Thursday, August 23, 2012

If I Don't Make It Back

I hate to be cliched, but it is raining cats and dogs in the Sun City. Everything is flooding and most of my classmates have texted or called me to tell me they're going to be late. I-10 is flooded, Loop 375 is flooded, the road to get to campus is's a mess.

This also doesn't bode well for me as none of my teammates are here and Baloo is. He walked in with a big grin on his face that quickly disappeared when he locked eyes with me. FYI, I didn't blink or look away first, he did. Maybe I don't have to use my words to make this guy cower in fear.

When I got here, Typhoid Maria's jaw hit the floor. She tried to compose herself and said, "Oh hello! I didn't think you'd be coming back!" I smiled and replied, "Why wouldn't I? I pay to go here." She stammered, "I kn-know, but after last week, I just thought..." I couldn't help myself and said," Thought what? Thought I was scared of him? Thought I would take that kind of treatment?" "Well, no," she replied, "but he said so much bad things about you." I let out a laugh and said, "I know he did, and the dean does too."

Fat Alberto waddled in shortly after and said, "You know what? Good for you. You tell him he can't do that. Don't tell him but I filed a complaint for how he acted." I said, "Thank you, I appreciate that." I don't take back anything I have ever said about him, but at least he knows right from wrong.

Baloo is knocking the school again. He said he has to go to mandatory meetings on Saturday that he doesn't get paid for and how it's just so unfair. Anything else you have to say derogatory about our school? I'm not only writing it all down, I'm recording it as well. Speak into the microphone please.

Semper Fucking Idiot just walked in and his swagger disappeared as soon as he saw my smile. Poor little Clocktower thought he got rid of me. It'll take more than you being a disrespectful jackass and trying to use your Sun City police badge to intimidate people. I know cops that are higher ranking than you and your NOT sergeant stripes. I know your bosses and their bosses and they adore me. You, not so much. Oh, did I neglect to mention that I informed some higher-ups about a certain ex-Marine who brags that he abuses his power as a policeman? Well, I did. I also know he has a complaint folder that can't handle one more formal investigation. Fat Bottomed Girl's don't take intimidation lightly.

Katniss is here...thank you Jeebus. She informed me that there is a posting in the main hallway that says University of Fictitious Bird will not tolerate any discrimination against students because of gender by anyone to INCLUDE faculty. It's never been there before and me thinks it was directed at Baloo. I tried really hard to not giggle.

Baloo is starting class now (6:17pm) and is remembering the winter of 1987. I'm not sure if he's going to find a segue into criminal organizations. I hope for his sake he does. He's talking about how the city has grown and the infrastructure has not. And that is relevant because? Now he's relating a current event to the class, except it happened months ago, possibly last year even. Current must mean something differently in New York than it does in Sun City.

I just presented my current event article about the Hell's Angels suing the US government because it's foreign members are being denied visas to come to the US. They are also demanding the designation as a criminal organization be removed from the club. I am certain this is going to be the only current event article that is even remotely relevant. Peircy Paula attempted to go first and even with her computer open in front of her, couldn't find anything.

I'm starting to get a little pissed off. I was promised there would be an in-class monitor, but there isn't one. I get that the roads are terrible and he or she could just be running late, but come on. We're an hour in and no one is here. I'm recording the whole class as a precaution.

Somehow we got to talking about spyware and malware and Baloo waxed philosophical about how the government needs to employ hackers to protect us. I informed him that they do, most recently the FBI employed a huge group of hackers to hold back a virus that would have crippled thousands upon thousands of computers. He responded, "Oh yeah! I remember that!" Sure you did. He then wrote "Stuxtnet" on the board and said, "I'll give anyone who writes a one page paper on this an extra point." I informed him it's called "Stuxnet" and if he wanted it in APA-format? He laughed and said, "Of course you would do it." Yeah, you docked me my participation point last week and I want an A.

For some reason he brought up what his old boss told him that every time you pull someone over, that's a potential date. He asked Semper Fucking Idiot if he knew what that meant, and SFI said, "Well I'm a married man. Hehehe." His point was that you should treat every person you pull over well because it could be someone you want to date. He then looked at Katniss, myself, Blond Sonja, and Juarez Teenager Female (because we sit together) and said, "What? None of you females are gonna get upset about that? I mean, I guess us men are all pigs huh?" Clearly and obvious dig as we all complained about him.

Lunch came and went with little incident. I told Peircy Paula about class last week and she was shocked. She told me that she had complained to her advisor after week one because she felt like he was only picking on the females. I find it super hilarious that people lodged complaints against him BEFORE he threw me out.

He cut our lunch break short (because HE decides when break is over) and said we are going to power through the slides so we can get out of here. He's reading off of them as if this is the first time he has seen them. The second slide has two paragraphs worth of information on it. Apparently the "rule of 6" only applies to presentations given by students. Do as I say, not as I do.

He asked us if politicians are all liars. The class said yes, but I said no. He ignored me and said," So everyone thinks politicians are liars? How sad is that?" while looking straight at me. I didn't take the bait, I just kept smiling. He then asked Blond Sonja if she thought there was a difference between republicans and democrats. She said no and he then said, "Are you sick?" She said yes, but seriously? She has a box of tissues out and looks like death. She texted me, "What? Does he think I'm blowing my nose for fun?" Without seeming the least bit concerned, he said, "Well I hope you have some tissues or something because I didn't go to work today because I didn't feel well. I don't want to get sick." He then said that the whole class was in agreement with Blond Sonja that there was no difference between republicans and democrats. And again, he looked right at me. Do you know how hard it is to not bite back????!??!?!?!??!?!?!?

Deep breath. Keep calm and imagine him getting hit by a semi. We're doing a class exercise in which we have to describe a picture that was on the last slide. I nailed it and so did Katniss, while Semper Fucking Idiot tried to sound professional, you know becuase he's the subject matter expert. Baloo said that it was so funny how we all saw the same picture and all came up with different versions of the photo. Yeah, isn't it funny how we all sat in class last week and witnessed you bully me and then throw me out and yet you have a completely different version of events than the rest of us? How funny, indeed.

The next couple of slides only contained photos of Cheech and Chong and Dazed and Confuzed. Baloo rambled on about how we didn't used to have drug laws. He asked why San Fransisco passed the first drug law in the 1800's banning the smoking of opium in public dens. No one knew. I raised my hand (because I know the fucking answer) and he ignored me and said, "No one knows." Seriously. It couldn't possibly be because the Chinese smoked opium from a pipe that they passed around and the Chinese were hated in San Fran back then. Even if I didn't know that, the fucking slide said it in as much words and still, NO ONE KNEW! It makes my brain cry when I am surrounded by such incompetence.

Okay, I can't take it. The past five slides have had photos from Dazed and Confused. I wasn't aware that Wooderson was responsible for the Philippine Insurrection, but since the text is in YELLOW and we can't decipher it, we are left to believe this is true. Damn you Matthew McConaughey, it's all your fault.

I think I could write a book entitled "How to Not Teach a College Class" simply based on my observations of Baloo. Oh shit, he's switching it up! The next slide (about prohibition) has pictures of Leprechauns and Homer Simpson drinking on St. Patrick's Day. Glad we've moved on from Dazed and Confused. Wait, now we have a before and after photo of Amy Winehouse. No explanation as to why.

And I just almost threw up. He had me google Krocodil, a drug that is widely used in Russia. It was created as a substitute to heroine, which is less available there. It's 8-10 times more potent than morphine and the high burns off super fast. Because of this, people use more and while I will not post the photos here, it literally eats your flesh off. DO NOT GOOGLE KROCODIL UNLESS YOU WANT TO PUKE. Photos of tortured dead bodies and rotting corpses have zero effect on me. Even seeing dead bodies in real life didn't bother me. But photos of what Krocodil does to a person truly turned my stomach.

We just went off on a tangent about the Tigua Indian tribe and why they aren't federally recognized. Without flat out saying that they aren't because they're Mexican. The only thing Indian about them is the title they give themselves. I practiced diplomacy, however, and said that they are not federally recognized because of the genetic markers in their blood and yada yada yada. Semper Fucking Idiot scoffed and said it was really because they broke off of another tribe and were chicken shit. Um, yeah, that's why the federal government doesn't recognize them. How is it I know more about the history of this area than someone who was raised in this area?

Baloo has been shifty-eyed all night. Anytime he says something that could even remotely be taken as offensive or if his tone borders on sarcastic, he looks at me pleadingly as if to beg me not to report him again. Is it sick that I am enjoying this power I have over him? Because, well, I am. I haven't been shushed once and though he typically responds to the things I say with slight annoyance, he almost immediately says what a good point I've brought up. I don't want him to kiss my ass, but a girl could get used to this.

Surprise, surprise, our monitor never showed. I got a text from the department 2IC telling me he was delayed because of the storm that hit tonight and his assurances that he will be here next week. I get it, the storm was pretty bad. Somehow though, I didn't actually think we'd have a monitor. This is Sun City, Texas and lazy is a genetic trait of the natives. If any of you reading this are Sun City natives and are offended by that statement, it's because it's mostly true and you resemble it. Shit, that will be great for my blog views.

We got out of class pretty early. Not earlier than last week when I was THROWN OUT, but still early enough for Baloo to tell everyone it was so we could drive home safely. It wasn't even raining anymore. It must suck to be so inept at your job and so close to being fired that you second guess every decision you make. Pobrecito.

Tomorrow I am going to see 2016: Obama's America. I'm a nerd Republican like that. Depending on my mood, I may offer a review. Have a good weekend!


Shannon {ava_caitlyn} said...

That fucker. How dare he keep on acting like women are crap. What an asshat.

Vivian said...

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Fat Bottomed Girl said...

Well welcome Vivian! Be sure to Like my Facebook page and thank you for reading!

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