Friday, June 29, 2012 0 comments

This Is The Stuff

Friday faves time again. I kind of like this. However, so I am not totally ripping off my best good friend Shannon, I might switch it to a Must Have Monday. Besides, her Friday Favorites are way better than mine could ever be.

Okay, I'm a bit late the Adventure Time coolness table. But now that I've arrived, I. Am. Obsessed. I need this iPhone case like a psych ward needs it's crazies. This is amazing.

It's only $9.99 on Etsy and the only thing stopping me from buying it is my fear I'll smash my phone to bits when I switch to it.

Speaking of not smashing my phone to bits, this is how I make that happen. The Griffin Survivor for iPhone is the only case designed to exceed US and UK military standards. It protects your screen, camera, earphone jack, volume switches...basically anything you (or mostly I) could mess up. They offer awesome color combos. I have a Quartz colored one but now that they have a purple one...I think I may need it.

For only $49.99 this badass case can be yours. And it should be.

Next up is my all-time favorite summer sandal. Well, my favorite every season sandal since El Paso allows for sandals year round. The Birkenstock Gizeh Birko-Flor is the most amazing and comfortable sandal you will ever wear. I have these in brown and after a few weeks of wearing them, they fit my foot perfectly. I bought them in 2007 in Germany and they are still in great shape and still in style. has these for $79.95 or lower in a wide variety of colors. My dream closet has all of them.

Now we all know you can't wear sandals without a pretty pedicure. My favorite color of the summer is currently Essie's Turquoise and Caicos. At first I found it to bright, but a nice coat of Essie's Luxeffects Pure Pearlfection makes it just right. 

Both can be found on Amazon for $5.99 and $3.75. When I get around to it I'll post some pics of my pretty piggies rocking this fab combo.

Little Bug is obsessed with Carly Rae Jespen's "Call Me, Maybe," Katy Perry's "Part of Me," even Maroon 5's "Payphone." I realize that not every song that comes on my Spotify (which you should all use!) is kid friendly. That's why I pre-ordered Kid's Bop 22. It is every song that she hears in the car, minus the cuss words and adult themes. I ordered it on iTunes so I can put it on her iPhones (she has Hubby and I's old ones) and not have to hear it myself. I never thought I'd be that mom, but they aren't completely horrible and she'll be less likely to sing "All these fairytales are full of shit."

I pre-ordered the Deluxe Version on iTunes for $12.99, but you can get the regular version for $10.99.

Last one for the day. Summer has hit us hard here in the Sun City and layering on the Spanx to look cute in summer clothes just isn't helping me stay cool. The only solution is flowy, fun dresses. And Target is part of that solution. With stylish, afordable summer styles, I totally don't have to break the bank to beat the heat (too cheesey?). Our Target finally finished it's remodel and I cannot wait to tear up the clothing section for some great deals. Unitl then, check out these awesome dresses from!

A Maxi dress that comes in petite? Yes please! $44.99 on

An easy care little black dress that can be dressed up with heels or down with sandals for $24.99

This dress can be converted to a a ton of different possibilities, including a super cute strappless number. Only $34.99

I think I will switch my fave to Monday Must Haves which means you'll get a second helping in 3 days. Have a great weekend everyone!

Thursday, June 28, 2012 0 comments

I Thought I Knew It All

Have you ever walked into a room and everyone gets quite and you just know they were talking about you? Totally happened when I walked into the building tonight. Hipster Gordo, Clown Face and Oompa Loompa (the orange fat/skinny girl) were sitting in the entryway and the second I walked in, they stopped talking. Full shutdown and every one of them were staring at me. I almost said "It's not like I would have understood you anyway since you only speak Spanish," but I just flipped my golden locks over my shoulder and walked past them like a boss. Clown Face whispered "She has like a different Coach bag every week." I do? I wasn't aware. But now I'm aware how on my jock you are. Hipster Gordo laughed and said something in Spanish to her. That's cool, my followers and I laugh at you all the time.

We watched this clip as our warm-up.

Hilarious right? Everyone was laughing, including myself. Clown Face laughed the loudest (as per usual) but she totally didn't get it. She said to the thugged out, prison tatted, parolee next to her that "That's how it is. Most of the answers are yes." Including the prostitution part in your case, right?

I-USA is starting us off right and bringing up the Obamacare ruling. I read up on it because I knew he would. I think he might cry when he talks about Chief Justice Roberts siding with the liberals. Almost every member of the class did NOT have an opinion on Obamacare. I wasn't surprised but I am disappointed. Here is a law that will affect their pay for years to come and they don't know a thing about it. Of course, I was the only one discussing the issue with I-USA and Hipster Gordo rolled his eyes a few times. I forgot he probably already gets free healthcare so why should he care?

We have our second exam tonight and a skit and we haven't really rehearsed. It's pretty much ad-lib and we all got here early to go over it. Wait, JTF, Katniss, and I all got here early. Blond Sonja still isn't here! She sent me a text at 1730 hrs (when we were all supposed to be here) that said she doesn't get off work until 1745 hrs. Okay. That would have been nice to know a few days ago when we decided to meet before class. She's supposed to play the bad cop, Katniss the good cop, JTF the suspect and I am the one explaining procedure. We have to demonstrate a constitutional arrest. I'm not making anyone cuff JTF since those procedures aren't covered by the constitution, just what the Fourth Amendment covers. It's not rocket science, but if she doesn't get her by break time, eek. We. Are. Fucked.

We are 45 minutes into I-USA's familiar drone and she isn't here and I haven't paid an ounce of attention. I didn't study for the test either. I'll be fine, but I think I should maybe retain something he's saying. Stand by...

We took a lunch break despite everyone saying we should just press through. Blond Sonja showed up and we had to rehearse like six times because she just doesn't get it. This is gonna suck. Oh, and every tank that said they didn't want food came back with 10lbs each of junk food from the corner store. After watching them stuff their gobs, we did a quick review of the test in which I-USA basically gave us all the answers in the order they would appear on the test. It still took most of them the full 15 minutes allotted for the test. We even got to grade our own tests again. If you have the full 15 and still get shit wrong, you're an idiot. If you don’t know, leave it blank and then circle it as you grade it. I know I am not the only person who thought of this. I didn't do it, I still only got 37/40 (fuck you Fifth Amendment), but how are you getting less than 30/40. YOU GRADE YOUR OWN TEST! Sadly, the ones who got less than 30 right, actually studied. So maybe they weren’t smart enough to figure out how to cheat.

Ugh, Mexican Snookie is sitting two seats away form me and she's having a very intense conversation in Spanglsih with Not Elle Woods and Blob Zombie, who have also sat on our side. All I have understood is that some guy Mexican Snookie is banging has 9 little girls. I hope she means as his children and not on the side. Ew.

So we just presented and Blond Sonja fucked it up but it was still good. Clown Face, Hipster Gordo, Oompa Loompa, the tatted criminal and a girl who didn't wash her hands when we were in the bathroom are up now. They're acting like the two boys are in a low-rider and getting pulled over for an outstanding warrant. However, they are supposed to be presenting on conducting a search with a warrant, not if the suspect has a warrant out for their arrest. This is terrible. They're even acting out the cuffing and searching of the guys. They're now searching the vehicle because the driver has an arrest warrant. Filthy Hands is trying to do her best to act like this is The Shield but all I keep thinking is "Thank God we went first because she's touching stuff I've touched." Katniss asked I-USA when in that whole thing they got a warrant for the search and the smile on his face tells me he is fully aware they got it wrong.

Fat Alberto, Typhoid Maria and their lackeys are up. How to conduct a constitutional interrogation. He has said, "You know" so many times, I am beginning to think that they may be a constitutional requirement. Typhoid Maria is playing the bad cop, which is hilarious because when they were discussing how to do theirs, they weren't doing Good Cop/Bad Cop like us. They are clearly winging it as evidenced by all the Uhs and You Knows. Fat Alberto has said the same sentence 13 different ways to explain what happens. 

The last group is up. Stoner White Boy Cop, Carlos Brown, Blob Zombie, Mexican Snookie and Not Elle Woods are going to show how to search a property without a warrant. They are using a traffic stop to show this. Which is actually correct. Team A (Hipster Gordo) is fuming. They shouldn't be mad at this team; they're doing what they are supposed to be doing. You're group fucked up. SWBC is not convincing as a police officer even though he is one. I feel kind of bad for him. He must get walked all over on the road. I guess they technically got it right, but they still got it wrong. 

We were just informed we will be watching a movie for the last hour of class. I don't give a shit. Whatever. Gives me time to type. I did pull I-USA outside to ask about my observations. Well, because I'm me.

Me: Okay, because I feel like my IQ gets lower with each class I take here, I just want to verify you witnessed the same thing as me. 
I-USA: And what is that? (With a pervy smile)
Me: Well, Team A and Team C presented on the same thing, a search without a warrant, except Team C was the only team that should have presented on that. Right?
I-USA: Oh you caught that?
Me: I'm just wanting verification on that because Katniss asked you if Team A was correct and you sort of shined her on and I would hate for someone to not know the proper procedure.
I-USA: (laughing) I can assure you that their grades will reflect that.
Me: Oh, I don't care about their grades. I care that you're using these skits to teach us and that was beyond wrong.
I-USA: Because you're learning so much, right?
Me: I'm concerned for my team members.
I-USA: You deserve extra credit just for almost making me believe that. (With a wink)

He's right. I want to make damn sure that his lax grading doesn't give them points they don't deserve like the last class I had with him. Essentially, I am the Tea Party to his seat in Congress, the shareholder to his CEO. And quite frankly, he likes it.

Brubaker is still on; Redford has taken over as warden. Hot dam he was a good-looking man. Blob Zombie, Mexican Snookie and Not Elle Woods won't shut the fuck up. They aren't even trying to whisper. The whole class needs to here about baby daddies and who Mexican Snookie thinks she's cuter than. She isn't even cuter than real Snookie, so I cannot imagine whom she looks better than in the Sun City. Not Elle Woods just popped in her ear buds and is rocking out to some type of Tejano music. I'm not being racist, I can hear it. She's tapping along with her fingers and has even sang a few of the words. I'm praying that I-USA notices. This girl could use every last point and these participation points should be gone. I can write this blog and give you a play-by-play and still manage to participate. They can't manage to shut the fuck up for 30 minutes. Let me enjoy a young, hot Robert Redford in peace. I've said "Can you shut the fuck up?" at least three times (and everyone knows I don't whisper) and they're still going. They must not be able to hear me over their own whining. 

The conversation is getting more intense and my patience is practically non-existent. Even JTF wants to punch the shit out of them. Not even an ounce of respect for anyone else that might actually want to watch this movie. Whatever is going on or in between their legs is more important than basic respect and common courtesy. Again, not surprised, just disappointed. I wonder how their illegitimate kids behave in school? Probably just like momma.

I give up. I'm done. If I don't put this lappy away and get ready to leave, bitches will be choked or cut. See you all tomorrow for another round of faves.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012 0 comments

El Paso City

To me, "El Paso City" is a horrible rip-off of the Marty Robbins classic "El Paso." And I do realize that both songs were penned by the same man, but come on, it's an awful song. However, it is a fitting title for this blog as the actions conducted by El Paso City Council are equally as awful.

In perhaps a monumentally stupid move, El Paso City Council voted to demolish City Hall to build a $50 million baseball stadium in it's place. The vote was apparently required for the city to continue negotiations to bring a Triple-A baseball team to the city. Yes, you read that correctly. To. Bring. A. Team. The city is willing to demolish City Hall, spend $50 million on a stadium, and we don't even have a team yet.

It gets better. El Paso currently has a non-affiliated team, the Diablos. They play out of Cohen Stadium, a city owned field in the Northeast of El Paso. The Tigua Indian Tribe purchased the team for $500,000 and they have sunk about $1.5 million into repairing and improving the stadium. However, under the terms of the deal with MountainStar Sports Group LLC (the company brokering a team for us), there is a non-compete clause. Meaning, the Diablos got to go. By 2015, they cannot play at Cohen Stadium or in the city of El Paso for that matter. The Tigua's are pissed (rightfully so) because this deal was being put together without their knowledge when they were buying the Diablos. And they thought they got screwed over when the white man stole their land!

But wait, it gets better, again! Because City Hall will be demolished, 650 city employees will need to be relocated. At a cost to taxpayers of $3 million dollars a year, they will be placed in office space around the Downtown area. That's on top of salaries. The cost to demolish the 33 –year-old City Hall will be around $2 million and the cost to move everything around $2.5 million. The city estimates it would cost $33 million to build a new City Hall and that does not include the cost of land acquisition.

So what do we have here folks? If the city started work today and finished by this time next year (which would never happen in a city this corrupt and lazy) the total cost to bring a Triple-A baseball team would be around $100 million dollars. Add on the lawsuits that are no doubt coming from the Tigua's and other business owners in the vicinity of the new stadium and you'd have to tack on a couple million more. Oh, lest I forget, the deal increases hotel taxes, property tax and a slew of other things to pay for it. And what is MountainStar getting out of it? They have to pay $5 million in rent for 25 years. Not per year, for the whole 25 years. Something tells me they're getting off cheap. 

I must confess, I don't get it. Why bring in a Triple-A team? This city knows no loyalty. The Diablos can't even fill half of Cohen Stadium, even when they don't suck. When they were the farm club of the Arizona Diamondbacks and Randy Flipping Johnson came here to pitch, they still didn't fill that place. UTEP can't sell out a football game. UTEP Men's basketball only sells out when their winning. Give it a few more years of sub-par standings and they'll be giving those tickets away for free. So why spend $100 million dollars on this? To renovate City Hall would cost between $9 and $13 million. Cohen Stadium would be Triple-A Quality with about $10 million in repairs. At worst case, $30 million gets you a nice City Hall and a professional stadium.

I have read and re-read the comments on various pages about the city's decision. There's a mix of rage and pleasure. Some people are pissed about it not being voted on by the people, others because of the Tigua's getting screwed. But the people who think this is a good idea? They're the worst. People are actually praising the idea to place it downtown as it will revitalize an area that needs it. You know what would revitalize the area? Less bullets flying over from Juarez. Does no one remember City Hall being struck by stray Cartel bullets? It happened in 2010. The same site you wish to build a stadium that will hold thousands of people can be hit by bullets from across the border. But wait, that was in 2010, it can't be that bad now, right? Wrong. Back in February, a woman was struck with a bullet in the leg while walking downtown with her child in a stroller. Think of all the people who will be walking to their cars, to diners and cafes, to the shops in the surrounding area. Do you think they’re magically safe from gunfire? 

Traffic already is atrocious downtown. Construction on the roads is never ending, as is the constant influx of people from Juarez. Notice I did not say illegal, thank you very much. The Santa Fe Bridge (combined with El Paso's other 3) sees an estimated 250,000 crossings a day into the city. How much will those increase during a game night? How congested will the traffic be then? Probably bad enough to cost the city more money in road work.

Here's the real kicker. The city of El Paso is 200 police officers short of what it takes be at MINIMUM staffing. Minimum. The past 3 recruiting classes have been cut or postponed because there isn't any money to hire more officers. No money to serve and protect the citizens of the Sun City. No money to respond when my sociopathic neighbors are screaming and fighting and pointing guns at people. No money, so where is this $100 million for this new stadium going to come from. I can't speak for the less-outraged people of this town, but I can speak for me and mine. We'll take more cops over a baseball stadium any day.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012 5 comments

People In Your Neighborhood

The last time I blogged about neighbors, I told you all about the fucking trash that lives across the street. The Douchebag Family. While that is a code name, it is shockingly similar to their actual name and I feel the need to expand on their awfulness. And their compulsive and twisted need to make as much noise as humanly possible to annoy everyone on our street.

It started yesterday. My Dad and Hubby were outside laying down some sod and the nutjobs were out in full force. Krysstofer (yes that is the real spelling) is the oldest and apparently a reformed pervert. He molested a little boy down the street and his siblings, despite how they tell the story now. He was also the ringleader of all the crazy. Seeing my father and husband beautifying our home must have really enraged him as he rounded up Khevan, Rhyan, Randy, Traicee, and Athena and they all got in their vehicles (probably stolen) and started honking their horns. Some thought they were creative and tried to tap out a tune, some went with the solid blast, but Krysstofer stood on the sidewalk and stared at the men in my family like they were his next rape victim. Dad was unfazed as he's probably losing his hearing, but Hubby stood up and stared right back. Not with the "I'm gonna rape that ass" look, but with a "Try something fucker and you'll meet the business end of my shotgun" kind of look. It must have been effective because he motioned for them to all rally up back within the walls of their compound.

Not the best pic, but getting closer might cause health hazards!

They did it again last night. Honking like mad at 9pm for no reason other than to get a rise from us. Kind of like the rise Kryss gets when he thinks about sex with his siblings. The pic above shows only 3 cars outside, last night, they were all there. The old man/step-dad Paul drives the town car, Nirus (the matriarch) drives a Ford Flex that has a personalized plate that says "Mum of 6". The ex-husband/father of the demons also lives their and drives a Ford F-150. Khevan and Rhyan drive matching Ford Fiesta hatchbacks in silver. Kryss has a red Fiesta. Traicee and her husband each have Focuses (white and blue) and Athena doesn't have a car yet. Randy has a car as well, but since I am 99% sure he works for a Cartel, his car changes often. Add Randy's baby momma's car that is often parked in front of our house, the party guests that are their nightly, and the illegal go-kart they have, it's an average of 13 cars a night. 13 cars that all honked and beeped because this time, they set off the alarms too. 

I was on the phone with my Aunt in the back yard and even she heard it. It was then I began my black ops assualt plan. I could climb up to the neighbors roof next to them in the dead of night and use an air soft gun to puncture their tires. Maybe use a grappling hook to zip-line into their compound wall and just start breaking shit. It's getting to be so fucking annoying. This morning they were at it again. I know they just want a reaction and every fiber of my being is being used to supress the reaction I have.

I'm not sure what's worse though. The horns are bad, but knowing that these kind of people exsist is pretty horrifying. Traicee is probably the worst. She's the oldest daughter and a wise man once told me to never trust a Tracy that spells their name like a stripper (Thanks Bill!). Her children are always running into the road while she stands in the driveway on her phone talking to her pusher or her johns or screaming at her husband. I always manage to glance out the window as her child is inches away from being smashed by a car. I gasp in shock each time and yet, she reacts with the urgancy of molasses. I shouldn't be suprised, this is a creature that has had 2 abortions, smoked and drank during her first pregnancy, was arrested for pot posession during her second pregancy, and gets drunk and passes out in her driveway. Not watching her children as cars go by is relatively minor on her grand-scale of douchiness.

The youngest, Athena, is perhaps the saddest of the bunch. She's 16 and has had more dick in her than a pair of men's briefs. One night, she was getting plowed through and eaten out by two boys in the driveway while her brother Khevan smoked a ciggerette less than five feet away. I wouldn't have known this except they felt the need to yell and blast music at 1 am as it was happening. Cops were called each time, but no one does anything. Granted, Paul and one of his pedophile friends molested her and her siblings from an early age according to Traicee and being the youngest, Athena endured all kinds of abuse. Back in 2003 when my grandmother died and we didn't know the full amount of crazy these people were, Nirus brought Athena over to our house and asked my mom if she could watch her. Without waiting for an answer, she left, and didn't return for her 5 yr old daughter until 4 am. Athena spilled her guts to us about the abuse from old men and her siblings and she was so scared to fall asleep around strangers, she kept beating herself in her head to stay awake. The child has a metal plate in her head (probably from abuse) and she hit it repeatedly because it jolted her to consciouness. How terribly awful is that?

This was supposed to be a Time Warp Tuesday and now it's just a full blown rant. These people bring out the worst in me. Every breath they take is toxic to my being. But nothing makes them disappear. Not police raids, not threats, not city ordanances, it feels as if they can get away with anything. Oh wait, because they do. I have called in plates of people who are parked out front CLEARLY buying drugs, the police take 10 hours to respond...if they come at all. We, along with several neighbors have called in noise complaints, they turn it up louder as the cops are telling them to shut it off. They pointed a gun at me as I walked to the mailbox. Still nothing. 

I'd love to hear some suggestions from you guys, you know, what you would do if they were your neighbors. 
Friday, June 22, 2012 1 comments

My Favorite Things

My gal pal S does a weekly Friday Favorites blog and it is always amazing. Always. She pics the best makeup, clothing, shoes, books, etc. I look forward to it every week. While I am nowhere near as awesome as she, I would like to copy/join her in Friday awesomeness and each week (depending on my energy level) post a few of my Friday reccomendations. Let us begin.

My number one of all-time FAVORITE thing, the Macbook Pro. Isn't it pretty? Best computer I have ever owned. Even better when you get Best Buy's Black Tie Protection and you can throw it at a wall and they'll fix it/replace it for you. The new Macbook Pro is being released soon and while Ill spare you my nerd alert review, it is so worth the proce if your looking to pick up a new lappy.

Next up are the iHome Rechargable Capsule Speakers. Greatest speaker systen ever. Not only are these tiny suckers loud and portable, the bottom's are magnetic. They stick together or to whatever metal object you want to keep them out of your way. I have purple ones (of course!) but they come in a wide variety of colors. Anyone with music on their phone should def have portable speakers.

Hubby just go this for me and I. Love. It. So much fun. Unlike the first Lego Batman, this one has a fully playable Gothim City and a ton of DC characters to play with. Little Bug loves it too and she's normally anti-video games. I prefer to play it on the Wii versus the XBOX or PS3 but it is available for all systems. Pick whichever you prefer and start playing it. So much silly fun!

I don't have this, but I need this. Hubby and Little Bug are big Adventure Time fans to put it mildly. At first, I thought it was the stupidest show ever, but once I sat down with them and watched it, I was hooked. Lumpy Space Princess is my fave of all the princesses. I'm pretty sure she's actually a Drag Queen. 

One more before I get on with my day. No summer is official without a good pair of Sperry's and these are to die for. Little Bug needs these most quickly. I am scouring the net for the grown-up version!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and that my asshole magnestism keeps them all away from the rest of you!

Thursday, June 21, 2012 0 comments

Poetic Tragedy

Before I go live for tonight's class, let me just say that it has been two full weeks since I last attempted to make contact with the ol' BFF. It's not the longest we have gone without talking, but it is the longest I have gone without trying. If some of you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, read all about it here.

Okay, on to what you came here for. It is 1810 hrs and we are still watching videos from the internet. I've seen them all before and they are no better this time around. Clown Face is laughing at each video as if it is the most hilarious thing she has ever seen. They aren't. She's looked in a mirror before. That has to be the most hilarious thing she has ever seen.

We've only got a little bit of learning to do tonight. We did half of this weeks lesson last week. I-USA has promised us a movie for the end of class. I am seriously annoyed. All we do is watch shit. This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos, this is my fucking education. I am fully aware that Clown Face, Hipster Gordo and Mexican Snookie are cool with watching movies the whole time, but I'm not. The glee on their faces makes me want to slap the shit out of them.

I-USA is "teaching" us about right to counsel and Miranda warnings and I feel like I have heard this all before. Oh, wait, I have. Apparently I-USA did not get the memo that there is nothing new under the sun because he's trying to put a snazzy spin on it. He pretended to be a police officer, he did a (terrible) Clint Eastwood/Dirty Harry impression, did this wierd snappy thing with his hands, but it doesn't matter. I have not uttered a word. I can tell by his face that it's killing him. I just don't care tonight. I'm thinking about telling him at the break that I'm going home. This class and instructor are a waste of time.

Okay, I finally spoke. Stoner White Boy Cop was asked if a suspect he was interogating said that he might want a lawyer, would he tell him to get one. He said no, he would keep talking to him. I had to answer, not just because I-USA was looking to me for a response, but because cops like SWBC are the reason confessions get thrown out. I said that anytime a suspect mentions the word lawyer, stop what you are doing and get a definitive answer. Don't tell them they don't need one, don't bully them into not getting one, just clarify if they want one and proceed accordingly. SWBC looked embarassed as I-USA reitterated what I said. Now we all know how shitty of a cop you are. Awesome. I hope he's the guy who arrests me (God Forbid) because his lack of procedural knowledge and obediance would get me off on appeal.

I just can't seem to focus on class. I keep thinking about who's going to win the basketball game tonight. Please, please, please let OKC come back. I am anticipating an awesome new episode of Suits tonight. Harvey Spector is my dream man (Sorrry Hubby). I am also dwelling on my lack of conversation with the Not BFF. I am much more sad about it this week than last. You get used to somebody, knowing they are just a phone call away, but he isn't now. In all honesty, he hasn't been for some time. Writing it down makes me realize it that much more. Jerk.

Everyone has left for break and it's just me and SWBC. I'm typing, he's on his phone. We're going on 3 minutes of silence, well past the point of making decent conversation. It would be awkward if I said anything now, even though he is staring blankly at me. Well, you know how much I love awkward...

Me: So how long have you been a cop?
SWBC: four years?
Me: Is that a question?
SWBC: Haha, yeah like four years.
Me: Do you like being Sun City PD?
SWBC: Yeah, well, like, it's pretty easy.
Me: Well, that's good, I guess.
SWBC: Yeah.

That was it. More awkward silence. Thank God Katniss and Juarez Teenager Female came back in. He's not the conversationalist I expected, he's worse. I-USA started back with the videos. I haven't laughed once. He keeps looking at Katniss and I for approval and when he doesn't recieve it, tries to amp us up for the next one. I'm starting to enjoy this, knowing how much he needs our affirmation. I know, I'm sick.

I'm scraping at the bottom of the barrel hear. I-USA keeps rambling about IDing suspects and when half the class (okay 2/3) has been in a line-up, it kind of feels like he's giving them advice on beating the charge. I'm trying to hold out for the movie, but I want to leave. He just started on workshop 5, so we get out early next week, and I want to scream. Play your fucking movie so we can go the fuck home. We aren't going to get out early next week because you'll have another movie for us then.

I'm not sure why I haven't left yet. Six people didn't come back from the break, I should have made it seven. I've got this whole scenario worked out in my head. I start packing up my stuff and I-USA says "Where do you think you're going?" and I reply "The hell away from here." I walk out the door and as I put my shades on (because sunglasses make everything cooler) he starts to play another stupid video but this time, it triggers short and the room blows up. I, of course, keep walking because cool people don't look at explosions. I am aware that this would mean people die and that's not cool, but I'm bored and my mind is wandering.

I-USA is describing what happens when an undercover cop poses as a hooker and tries to entrap men looking to bang said hooker. He went into far too much detail for me to not think he's been with a hooker. I realize he is trying to get us to argue with him that entrapment is a load of shit. For the most part, I did. I said what I think, if you steal a car that has the keys in it, take someones money that is hanging out of their purse, or try to pay a hooker for sex, you are knowingly breaking the law. You chose to do that. The cops didn't make you break the law. No one took the other side though. Back to "Let's all agree with the white girl!" I forgot, one of the other girls, Not Elle Woods, asked me if I was staying in the class during the break. She used my name and I chuckled before answering because I don't know hers and probably never will. She'll always be Not Elle Woods or Pinkie Pie (from My Little Pony). I'll go with Pinkie Pie, easier to type. I wasn't sure why she asked until I realized she set all her stuff back down on her desk and then left. You can leave your stuff if a white girl is in the room.

It's almost 9pm which means movie time. This will officially mean that 4/16 hours or 1/4 of our total class time has been movies. Add the youtube clips and I can confidently say that 3/8 of class has been video. He just announced the moive for tonight. Brubaker with Robert Redford. Fuck no. This isn't an Oscar viewing party. I'm done. I don't pay all this money to attend University of Ficticious Bird to watch okay movies from the 1970's or documentaries that blame America for all that is wrong in Mexico. Sorry folks. Drawing the proverbial line.

I'll catch up with you all on Saturday (maybe).
Wednesday, June 20, 2012 0 comments

I Can't Make It On Time

Tuesday's time warp was delayed (again) as I did not have any idea of what to write. I thought you people understood I rely on your suggestions to get the ol' brain workin'. Apparently not. I still haven't gotten any, but I watched a video on HuffPo today that made me say "Fuck Time Warp Tuesday." It's about to get real.

A woman named Karen Huff Klein works as a school bus monitor in the city of Rochester, New York. She has lived there her whole life, about to attend her 50th high school reunion, has been widowed for 17 years and 10 years ago lost her son to suicide. She works as a bus monitor to ensure that the children aren't being harmed or bullied by each other or the bus driver. However, the unappreciative, disrespectful, asshole children that ride the bus are the bullies that she needed protection from. Here's the video:

WARNING: This video may make you want to beat the shit out of these little punk ass children.

If you couldn't keep watching, I understand. I wanted to cry for her. I wanted to give her a hug. I wanted to snatch the little bitch with the phone up and throw him out the damn window. Did you see the one who poked her with his yearbook? I'd press assault charges.

I'm not sure what is worse, what they said or that they filmed it and uploaded it. Obviously what was said to this woman was beyond awful, but these little bastards were so proud of what they did, they put it on the Internet. I'm sure one (or more) of them is delighting in how many hits it has gotten. I wish, that for every hit this video gets, the same amount of hits is given to these creatures of evil by their parents.

Speaking of parents, we all like to go straight to the righteous indignation and believe that our children would NEVER behave this way. These kids must have crack-whore, alchie, white-trash, ghetto, hoodlum, (pick your adjective) single mothers and absent father's to act like this. You know you thought it. More than likely, these kids come from a normal household with normal upbringings. Mommy and Daddy love one another and little Billy, Juan, or Jamal get lots of love and attention. You know what they don't get? Lessons in respect and ass-whoppings.

Like most American children in the upper-levels of elementary school and middle school, they know there is not a god damn thing that teachers, bus drivers, and in this case, school bus monitors can do to them. Teachers can't hit them, can't take their cell phones, can't correct them even without a parent contacting the authorities. "Oh my baby is being harassed!" Why? Because a teacher told him to sit his fat ass down and pay attention?

There is a black teenage girl (yes, her race matters) in California that reported to the police that her teacher slapped her several times across the face because she didn't bring her required notebook, pen/pencil, and books to class (which she showed up late for). The NAACP (see, told you race was relevant) is calling for the teacher to be fired and sued and probably burned at the stake because this was "clearly a racially motivated incident." The girl is also suing the school for $1,010,000 for pain and psychological damages. The school conducted an investigation and found the teacher only "patted" the girl and students that were present have backed up the teacher. But let's sue anyway. The teacher, who is Hispanic, has apologized but that isn't good enough. A million bucks will make it good enough.

I'm not saying that hitting a student is okay, but what's the back story? There are reports that the girl is always tardy, never brings her homework, has a bad attitude and is very disrespectful to the teacher and other students. The school is standing behind the teacher and students of all races are backing her as well. There are reports out of Malibu (where the school is) that the girl has recanted her story after investigators started doubting it. Nothing official yet, but look how quickly this story spread? Can't find a retraction but you can find the initial reports. And that's what these kids see. If they don't get their way, if someone has the audacity to correct them, they'll just lie about them. Who cares if you destroy an adults reputation when they did nothing wrong? What message are her parents sending her by pursuing a lawsuit?

Back to the kids in the Karen Huff Klein case, are they going to sue next? I'm sure there is a lawyer who'd take that case somewhere. "My client was saying those vile things because he was in fear that Ms. Klein was actually going to sweat on him." Next thing you know, the kids will be demanding apologies from the district and Ms. Klein because of the emotional trauma they feel by being outed as assholes. The police are even being called to post guards at the homes of the children because they claim to fear for their safety. Seriously. You should fear for your safety....from your parents! They should beat that ass until it's black and blue. But no, these kids are the victims now. Poor, poor kids that were just expressing themselves.

Karen gave an interview where she (because she's a good person) defended the kids. "They weren't that bad all year. They just had one day. I don't know what possessed them. I hope that this might help other people, that's what I really hope. To go though all this for nothing would not be satisfactory." These four boys (their names are in the comments) relentlessly attacked a woman old enough to be their grandmother and even after seeing her cry, KEPT GOING. How do you pick on a woman that is still trying to find the good in your pathetic ass?! How?! 

If those are the names of the boys, they should be shared. Make. Them. Famous. Let everyone know that they are cruel and pathetic and deserve to be humiliated and shamed. And fuck an apology, I highly doubt it would be sincere anyway. 

Before anyone gets all uppity in the comments, I am fully aware of the bullying the bully philosophy I seem to be supporting. I am also aware that I could also be labeled a bully for my Thursday Thrashings. There is no justification for what I write. I'm old and grown enough that I don't have to supply one. I'm honest and truthful about what goes down in class. If any of these people ever read it and said "Hey, that sounds a lot like me," I would smile politely and ask what their point was. No one gets a blog reference without provocation, something that cannot be said for the attack on Ms. Klein. And if you really think I'm such a bully, why the hell are you reading this anyway? 

These boys in New York should be banned from riding the bus. Permanently. Let the parent's worry about how to get them to school. I bet when Mommy and Daddy start being inconvenienced by the dropping off and picking up, the kids will feel it to. No more iPhone to upload mean videos. No more TV and XBOX and hanging out with friends. Make them work for redemption. Start with Ms. Klein's yard. I'm sure she could use some help. And isn't what they did a hate crime? They reference her weight and age, so charge the punks. The girl in Malibu should be charged with filing a false police report. Let's see how that looks on a college application. Teach our children that there are consequences for bad behavior. 

I'm done for today. Anger makes me hive out.

Saturday, June 16, 2012 0 comments

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

Baseball, without an ounce of doubt, is America's past time. I care not that basketball and football get higher ratings, nor will I admit that the steroid scandal has damaged the games reputation. Sure, when Barry Bonds was accused (fuck it he's guilty) of using them, I stopped being a Giants fan. A team that I had loved since as far back as I can remember had a fucking cheater and it killed me. It was one thing for other teams to have their Mcgwire's and Sammy Sosa's, but not my Giants. It wasn't until recently, maybe 4 or 5 years ago that I began to enjoy the game again and LOVE the Giants. Before the World Series win, mind you. My baby sis was and is a bit of a baseball nut. Just listening to her go on and on about stats and records and mostly the Giants renewed my love of the game. Brian Wilson's beard also helped, have you seen it? He's pure awesome. James Harden of the Thunder can only aspire to this amount of greatness.

So with this renewed love of the game, and a husband who played it for years, we enrolled Little Bug in T-Ball. Soccer was pure chaos, all they did was run aimlessly and get a lucky goal, but T-Ball would be different. She would have to focus and hopefully, with the right coach, love the game. Unfortunately, we will never know about the right coach part because Hubby and I were the only parents who were willing to coach.

We're a few weeks into the 11-week season right now. It's hot as hell in the Sun City and windy to boot. The fields are this red/orange-dirt that covers everything and anything. And the kids, well, the kids are 4 and 5 years old. Anyone who has ever met a 4 or 5 year old knows that they can't remember to wipe their ass, have the patience of a full bladder, and the attention span of Snookie. Well, probably a bit better than Snookie. It's been challenging, to say the least, but they have made INCREDIBLE progress.

Little Bug still prefers to play with the dirt than pay attention. She still thinks Mommy and Daddy should drop everything to pay attention to her. Oh, and she is one-half of our terrible twosome. Her and this blond haired blue eyed boy have been drawn together like magnets since the first day. They quote Adventure Time, finish each other's sentences, laugh at the silly faces they make, and his mother says she has to write this in a memory book because it's his first case of puppy love. It's cute, really, but I want to separate them just so I can get them to listen.

We had a buy last week and practice wasn't great. It was almost 104 that day and even though we didn't practice until 7pm, they were just miserable. Couldn't pay attention to save their lives. I held out no hope for a good game today. It has been stormy here and I prayed for our game to be rained out, but no such luck. We were at the field with plenty of time before the start of our game and Little Bug sat in the bleachers playing with the other kids. We talked with the photographer the rec center cleared about our team pics, went over the roster one more time to make sure we had a good batting order, and as the kids started to arrive, I already saw it their faces. It was hot and I could go fuck myself.

To make matters worse, our game started 15 mins later than it was supposed to. The other teams that were playing went over their time limit because they wanted a second inning. T-Ball rules are really simple: don't let them kill each other and as long as every kid hits once, you're good to go. No one is keeping score (I am), there are no outs, who cares how many at-bats your kids has? Gotta make sure they get bat time in front of all the scouts? By the time we start, I've already lost any energy required to wrangle them. Whatever, they'll suck but at least they'll have fun. Oh, and we only had 8 out of our 12. So at least batting would be quick right?

We took the field first. Just getting them to stand in the right place is a challenge and today was even worse. I told one kid to go to first and he said "Where's first?" Because you've never stood at it or played it before right? He spent the whole game whining that his leg hurt. Maybe if you didn't dive for every ball (even though there was never a need to) your legs wouldn't hurt. His dad came out on the field and tried to correct him, but he's that kid. The one who has an injury or has to pee or has dirt in his eye or needs his mom, anything to avoid actually playing. Between him and Little Bug dancing in the outfield, I was exhausted. Hubby just gave up and stopped trying to correct. I should have too.

OH! Before I mess up the timeline, after the first 4 at-bats, one of the rec center staffers brings out one of our team members. This kid got dropped off (late) by his dad, but to the wrong field. The dad just took off. What's worse is the kid didn't even have the situational awareness to realize that it was the wrong red team and tried to bat for them. The team was 6/7 year olds and the coach was great. He made sure the staffer knew that the kid was just dropped off, no parent and told him that it looked like he belonged on our field. This kid doesn't really talk, but won't talk at all to adults, or even turn his head in acknowledgement that you are speaking to him. He cries because his glove is on the wrong hand but when you tell him to switch it, he won't. Telling him to pay attention is a waste of time because it's like he goes out of his way to get hit by the ball. His father is a jackass that all the other parents hate and a small part of me thinks he may be abusive. His dad didn't show up until the end of the game. I made sure we reported it to the rec center director because of the no drop off policy and I also mentioned the dad and his rage issues. I confided in them my abuse suspicions as well, and they assured me that they would pass it along to CPS. No child is that fearful of adults without a good reason to be.

BUT that was not the most eventful part of the game. During our first at-bat, we were rather slow in getting the kids up to the plate. Quite frankly, I was the only person in the dugout and I was more concerned with getting water in them than how quickly they got on deck. Hubby was at the plate with them, another dad in the practice box and I was trying to put on helmets, take off their gloves (and assure them they'd get them back), prevent the fist fight that was brewing between two of the boys, and keep their water in their cups or mouths and not their clothing. We did pretty well, considering, but not well enough for the third base coach of the other team. 

He was old and obviously a grandpa, and apparently, our speed enraged him. He yelled out "Come on batter, get it movin', get it movin'." I was trying to get the possibly abused child up and he froze immediately. I assured him he was okay and the old man kept it up. "Get up there, we ain't got all day!" I looked right at him and said "Stop, please. They are 4 and 5 years old." He didn't listen, just got louder. "Knock it off," I added. "They're little kids. You need to be quiet." When he started up again, because how dare a woman tell him anything, the dad helping in the practice box raised the bat in his hand and said "SIR! Knock. It. Off." The dad's size and stern voice did it. Got the attention of the umpire as well and he kicked him off the field. After the game, he came into our dugout and tried to shake my hand, but since they were full, felt the need to pat me on the back. He said "It's cool coach." His pat was more of a full-on slap and I winced. I said "It's not cool. You don't yell at children, especially the ones on my team. And you don't need to touch me." He stepped back, aghast, but then walked the fuck away. I am against elderly abuse, but ol' dude needed an ass whoopin'. If he had said anything else, I probably would have knocked his ass out. He just screamed mean ass old man. I hate mean ass old men.

Any who, the kids got ice-cream after the game and all seemed well. The worst kids from week one were the best behaved today. Little Bug has further affirmed that she'll be a drama/music kind of gal, and that's okay. And I get to drink booze and eat chocolate with my gals tonight. All in all, not a horrible day.

Thursday, June 14, 2012 1 comments

Not On The Test

I was running a bit late tonight and was not the first one to class. Mexican Snookie and Clown Face were here before me, studying. Yes, studying. You see, tonight we have an exam on the first three classes' material. We were given all the power point slides during week one so we can study them in preparation for the exam, but apparently, they didn't know until tonight that the exam is going to cover what was in the power points. Even though it was explained to them several times, they said they didn't know. Even though I personally explained it to Clown Face, they didn't know. So here they sit, speaking in Spanglish LOUDLY about the difference between a search warrant and the Supreme Court. They are actually debating if the Supreme Court gets the search warrants or issues them and if the Supreme Court is only for Texas.

Clown Face: The police get the evidence from the Supreme Court.
Mexican Snookie: Yeah but that's just for Texas. That Evans guy had the porn that they searched and the Supreme Court told them to keep it for Texas.
CF: Oh si, that's right.

No, no it's not right. Not at all. They went on and on and three minutes before class I snapped.

Me: Seriously, you're doing too much. It's not a hard test. If you even remotely looked it over the slides, you'll be fine.
CF: Oh you think?
Me: You're going to psych yourself out. (Looking up at I-USA) No offense, but it's pretty easy.
CF: Oh I didn't take offense.

I would hope not, I was talking to him, not you. She giggled at him and said "You'll go easy on me 'cause I'm easy on the eyes, right?" He walked out of the classroom to pretend to take a call. I know it was pretend because he winked at Juarez Teenager Female and I as he did it.

Right now, he's reading us jokes from Larry the Cable Guy. No one, well no one beside Clown Face, is laughing. He keeps looking at Stoner White Boy Cop and I like we are supposed to laugh, presumably because we're white. Well, guess what buddy? I'm not going to laugh, mostly because it isn't funny, but a tiny portion is because you can see the hurt in his face when we don't. He just gave us our week one performance rewards and Stoner White Boy Cop and I won. He gave us pens. I guess I can't complain, I left mine at home today.

Ten after the hour and we have finally started. I'm staring at Judge Dread on the screen and he's babbling about efficient cops. Since week one, Judge Dread has been on four, maybe five slides. Someone loves him some Stallone. He brought up informants and said "Snitches are an important part of the federal system, and the state system." Do you know how hard it was to not say that snitches get stitches. I had to fight to not go for the quick laugh.

Carlos Brown, SWBC's friend just walked in wearing ANOTHER striped polo, buttoned all the way to the top. His posture is killin' me. He scoots his chair as far as he can to the table and then slouches down. All I can see is head, shoulders and neck. Oh, and his hairy ass forearms and hands. He twitches a little bit, more of a junkie twitch than a palsy twitch. I'm not quite sure why I find him so fascinating, but he is. He's chewing gum and the whole right side of his head bulges out when he does. It's like Alien, but in his head. I feel like I've seen him before, perhaps on a Gangland episode.

We've started on Tennessee v. Garner and everyone has an opinion. It is the case from 1985 in which the Supreme Court ruled that you couldn't use deadly force on felony suspects that were not complying with commands. You could fuck 'em up if they are an immediate threat but Fat Alberto said "Oh cause like the book said if a robber is leaving your home you could shoot them." No Bro, just no. Home invasion and a police officer using deadly force are not the same things. Catch up. I wanted to ask what the pre-conditions for deadly force were and then answer before anyone else could, but I'm at the point where I don't need to show off, I did win a pen after all.

I pretty much zoned out for the last 10 min or so. I watched the final out of Matt Cain's perfect game (GO GIANTS1) and only came to just now when I smelled the oh-too-noticeable fart smell that wafted my direction. My money is on Fat Alberto. I-USA just isn't providing any gems tonight. I want to shake him and say his dullness is killin' my flow. He hasn't even graded out papers from last week yet. Maybe he had a bad date this week and is too depressed to attempt humor. He is combing his hair to the left now instead of straight back. Oooh, maybe it wasn't a bad date, but a good one. He's been gettin' some so his class doesn't matter anymore. Whatever it is, I'm baiting him with leading questions that should spark debate and he's not biting.

I did just inform the Hispanics in the room that they are not Mexican unless they are actually from Mexico and you should have seen the outrage conveyed on their faces. Classic. I'm right and now you're entire identity is called into question. Nationality and race are not the same thing people. I win. I guess I shouldn't brag about that, it's quite sad that they never knew that. I-USA told them that white people can be Mexican and I thought I saw a tear roll down Blob Zombies cheek.

We're on break and Hipster Gordo is stuffing his gob with vending machine snacks and Dr. Pepper. He doesn't have a neck. No exaggeration, he's got a chi-neck. It's making my neck feel creepy. I keep touching it to make sure it's still there.

Just took the test and I got 38/40. And it was the two questions I changed even though I knew they were originally right. God damn it. I shouldn't be upset, I still got the highest grade but I'm disappointed in myself. I-USA said to the class that if you got less than 30, then you need to study more. I laughed and Katniss said "How do you get less than thirty? Wow." and I saw Juarez Teenager Females test. It said 29/40. Whoops. Oh and we got to grade our own tests. Every time I-USA would say an answer you would hear a "YES!" or "NO!" in what was intended to be a whisper but was anything but. I thought Katniss was gonna cut somebody. "Seriously?!" she said. "We're gonna go all first grade and do this with every answer?!" I almost died. But the other side of the room did, in fact, do it with every answer. I'm not saying that one should cheat, but as I am certain of their level of integrity, you'd have thought they would have gotten higher scores. What was even better was when they asked what their grade was. Um, you graded your own test, how could you not know?

Mexican Snookie and I-USA just made a joke about serial rapists, because apparently, rape is funny. No people, it's not. Only if the serial rapist is a clown. We've moved on but I'm now ready to pounce. When I-USA mentioned Atticus Finch, Mexican Snookie said "Who?" I-USA and I said "From To Kill a Mockingbird" and she still looked confused as fuck. She tried to play it off but I am now fully aware that Mexican Snookie cannot read. And I discovered that her real name is that of the local mall. Seriously. Those of you who live in Sun City will get that and LOL real world.

We're sort of going over next week's lesson and we've been promised that we get to contiue our not Nazi movie. Oh joy. Let's watch an Asian documentarian's flick about Juarez. BTW according to the flick, I should just kill myself because it is all the white man/America's fault. I cannot wait for the gasps and gagging sounds that are sure to happen when the camera man zooms in on blood on the floor or a body covered in a sheet. Seriously, that shocks you? We see that shit every damn day in movies and TV. You care that an average of 8 people are killed a day in Juarez, but don't bat an eye when someone mentions a soldier dying or another bullied teen committing suicide, even when it happens in OUR town. I intend to keep up my RiffTrax-esque commentary the entire time.

I'm going to end this now so I can pack my stuff up. I have considered writing an op-ed on this "film" and turning it in to I-USA, if I do, it'll post it on here for all of my lovelies.

Why Don't You Get A Job?

My first job (that wasn't babysitting) should have never happened. I am certain that had it not, I would swear less, never have smoked, and would be far less versed in verbally destroying lesser individuals.

The summer of my 15th year, I was living in a town CCR allegedly got stuck in, California. You know what there is to do in the aforementioned town? Not a damn thing. Sure, people hung out in the Walmart parking lot til all hours, saw one of the two movies playing at the only theater in town, went partys out in the vineyards, and if you were me and my not-yet-ready-for-hard-shit friends, hung out at Sno-White Drive In across from Town Name Lake. Oh, and by lake I mean man-made cesspool of filth and river waste that was closed most of every summer due to high Ecoli levels.

Sno-White used to be part of a chain in California, but I choose to believe that when the health conscious hippies took over the state, so went the way of awesome burger stands. These chains got sold off to locals and even with it's burnt out sign that read "Home of the Super Burger", cracked paint, even more cracked wooden picnic tables, and all around dilapidation, people still flocked to Sno-White. Or Super Burger as people sometimes called it because they were idiots. There was (and is) a Foster Freeze in town, complete with the ice cream cone named Mr. Freeze neon sign, but their ice cream wasn't as good and their bathroom was too clean. Everybody knows the food is always better when they have a nasty bathroom.

So the summer of my 15th year, my girlfriend KiKi and I (not to be confused with a one Ms. Quiverbone) were sucking down some bomb-ass milkshakes and spotted the ice-cream splattered help wanted sign in the corner of the window. We both applied on the spot. Who wouldn't want to work across from the lake and flirt with all the hot guys that were sure to flock there? About a week later I received a call from Jade, the manager. I was excited, my first real interview, but she manically explained to me that I was the youngest who had applied and no one else had called her back and could I start the next morning and somewhere in all of her crazy, I said yes. I called KiKi right away and told her. She wasn't happy. She was almost 8 months older than me and was higher on the hire list, but apparently didn't get a message. She implied that I should have turned down the job, but I didn't care. I was going to be making money all summer and shopping and flirting and she should be understanding of that.

I took the GrapeLine (our town's bus equivalent) from my place to Sno-White and showed up a good 15 min early. Even before the AF I was prompt. I knocked on the back door and the oldest living hunchback I have ever seen opened the door. "Are you Tiffany?" she asked in an obvious Arkansas drawl. I nodded and said yes as she ushered me inside. I should have ran to catch the bus as soon as I saw the inside. Ick. The outside was dilapidated but the inside? The inside was comparable to what I would imagine I would see in a third-world country's diner would look like. Straight ahead from the door was the front window and the view of the pristine Lake Ecoli. But to my right was a walk-in freezer and sink area, to my left was a set of deep fryers and a grill, and right next to the back door was a mini-freezer that was dripping some sort of fluid. I'm still not confident it was really only water.

Joy led me to the front left of the establishment with a waddle and a wave and sitting at a tiny desk surrounded by shelves of cups and napkins sat Jade. She had buck teeth that gap in the front, a femme-mullet, broad shoulders, a broader waste, and she wore a man's XXL polo with coolots and sneakers. I saw a hint of mustache over her sweaty lip (in all fairness, it was like a sauna in there), and she reached out her hand for me to shake and said "Heya kiddo. Welcome to Sno-White. Let's go out back and chat." We stood outside for what seemed like hours as she smoked Marlboro Red after Marlboro red and talked mostly about herself, her kids, her grand kids, and her husband, all of whom (mind you, I had not seen them yet) seemed like they would go well on a Jerry Springer stage. I nodded and tried to ask questions about the job when I could, but eventually gave up. 1130 hits and Joy yells out for us that there were cars pulling in. Jade hands me an apron and a pencil, literally pushes me towards the cash register and says "You've done this before, right?" and goes back into the freezer to grab some stuff.

I made due. It wasn't rocket science, but you'd have thought I was Stephen Hawking. Joy cooked the orders and Jade made the shakes and Ice cream when those orders came up. I filled drinks, wiped tables when it was slow and with every good deed, praise could be heard from both women. "Girl, you're so smart. I ain't never seen somebody work that hard" Joy said to me at the end of my shift. I smiled and said thank you, despite my thoughts that they must have the worst employees ever if doing your job made you "so smart." Within 3 days I was making shakes and perfect swirls on ice cream cones, working the deep fryer, slicing buns for our Super Burger (Big Mac rip-off), restocking and organizing, and each day, Jade and Joy sang my praises. I worked from 9 to 1 for the first week and had only met the two of them. The night crew didn't come in until 4pm and the owner, Dan, hid in his trailer/office that sat behind the building.

I eventually would meet Dan, a reservist Warrant Officer (Helicopter pilot), who had a white hair comb-over, 1980's clothing, and a pedophile smirk. He never looked at my face, always my chest (yes, they were big then too) and I always wanted to bathe immediately after being remotely near him. Years later, his only son would be killed execution-style in a meth deal gone bad on the outskirts of our town. Very sad and still unsolved. He sold the business to some woman who painted it pink.

As the summer progressed, I started meeting the rest of the employees. Robin ran the night shift. She was barely 5 feet and skinny like a crack whore. Sores in the corners of her mouth made me think this could have been true. She had a smokers growl and a Lorrie Morgan hairstyle. I made the mistake once of telling her she looked like Lorrie and she said "You know what, I get that all time 'cept I sing better." I laughed but she wasn't joking. She spent the rest of the night singing "Watch Me", "Something in Red", "Except for Monday" and "Fancy" which I wanted to tell her was a Reba song but I let it go. She quit not long after that and the last I had heard circa 2004, she had hanged herself in her garage.

Shawn took over for Robin after she quit. Big, burly, tatted up, fucked up grill and a woman. She never wore a bra and her tits hung down to the middle of her belly button. She fought with everyone, had a boyfriend who was just as nasty and abusive (and she hit him too), and had a southern accent for no apparent reason. Seriously, how do you have a southern accent when your are born and raised in CA? I hated working with her. She gave me the willies. I was always scared she might hit me or eat me or touch my no-no places. Her and Chris, the other night shift "manager", hated each other. Chris was a single mother of two and a super Chola. Butt crack lip liner, sharpied eyebrows, actually used to be in a gang, but she liked me. Said I was the baddest white chick she knew, because only a white chick who was bad would talk back like I did. She would tell me, while pointing at me with a knife that never left her hand, "Girl, you're a funny white chick. I wouldn't have kicked your ass back in the day." Thank you? She also gave me pointers on how to fight white bitches. Always punch, don't slap. Don't pull hair unless you're going to rip that shit out. Oh, and my favorite, "don't stop crackin' theys skulls til the cops pull you off." I actually took notes once, you know, in case I ever had to testify. Chris ended up with another kid and a parole violation and Shawn went head first into an overpass after a night of heavy drinking. She died.

Tony was a teenage boy who worked there as well. He went to the other high-school in town and was the definition of in the closet. He was over-weight, super feminine, and the biggest drama queen I have ever met. He would start a fight over who had to do dishes, who had to clean the ice cream machine, who touched his was never ending. I told him once that he didn't have to be a stereotype. He asked me what I meant and I said "No one cares if you're gay. Just don't be a catty little bitch." He raised his hand like he was going to slap me, but I didn't bat an eye. I just said "Tony, that is soooo Dynasty of you. And Chris taught me how to fight." He walked away crying, from that and several more verbal beat downs I gave him. It wasn't because he was gay, I have to make that clear. It was because he was a bitch. I love me some gays, I just hated me some Tony's. He tried to set me up on a date with his "friend" once. But he came along too. We saw a movie and Tony sat in between us. I'm pretty sure I was the beard. I got a free movie out of it, plus popcorn and a soda, so I'm not complaining. He found me years later on Myspace (you read that right) and he looked great, lost a ton of weight, started taking care of his skin, came out of the closet...called it. He was going to school in Southern California (Not SoCal because I am not a douche) and modeling. He thanked me for being the only person who understood him, to which I wanted to ask what the fuck he was talking about, but just let go and said "Your welcome." He looked happy. Good for him. Probably still a bitch though.

Tasha was our resident Teen Mom, before it was cool to be knocked up and still in high school. She had the roundest, fattest head I have ever laid eyes on and the intelligence of the grease that coated the walls. She had this rolly polly of a boyfriend who knocked her up my second summer at Sno-White. She was such a smug bitch. I know most pregnant women are smug bitches, the way they rub there belly when talking to you as if to say "You want what I have", but Tasha was super smug. I'm sure her mother's life's ambition was to have an unwed teen mom for a daughter and her mother's before her. That's not sarcasm. She had her baby shower at Sno-White and bragged about how her daughter beat her because she was pregnant at 15 and she had Tasha at 17. While writing this, I think I found her on FB through a mutual friend. I was horrified and deleted the mutual friend as well. Anyone who knows that can't know me.

There were random coke heads, perverts, lesbians, and other low-lifes that Sno-White employed over my tenure there, but they all came and went so fast, I can barely remember them. I still pride myself on all that learned there, you know, don't be filthy, work hard, how to make the most amazing mint-chocolate chip banana shake ever, and I loved having a job. When all my friends had to bum money off of there parents, I didn't. Very liberating. And while I picked up some awful habits there such as smoking (also where my mom caught me but that is it's own blog), swearing, and talking down to everyone I saw, I can look back and see how far removed I am from that. I don't smoke anymore, I don't much, and I treat others with respect. Okay, the smoking part is true at least.