Monday, February 20, 2012 3 comments

Mistaken Identity

Remember my uptight bitch teacher who I wanted to choke? The female one? Yeah, she's a he. And not just any he. I had pictured a forty-something, overweight, frizzy haired white woman and I got....well, um I got not that. 

Anyone watch Reno 911? Remember the episode where Deputy Williams pretends to have joined the Nation of Islam and Jones goes along with it? He has on the bow tie and glasses? 


Take away the hair and jacket and replace it with a vest and you have my instructor. But not funny. At all. 

I arrived to campus early to get an official University of Fictitious Bird nameplate, I soon discovered that the instructor was a man. A woman in the admin building, after telling me how fucking ridiculous it was that he made a fucking name tag a fucking requirement (exact verbiage), she said "I haven't heard good things about him. Good luck." I obviously thought she misspoke, so I said "Yeah, she isn't rubbing me the right way." She gave me a funny look and replied "No, she's a he." All I could say was "fuck". I had called him a ma'am in my earlier email. Super. I haven't even got to class and I already have pissed the man off. I think that's a record for me.

I dart across the parking lot to class and find almost there, laptops out and/or texting on their cell phones. I quietly place my things at my seat, take out the 40+ pages of required documents, and set up my shamrock green (yeah, I don't know why either) name plate. Everyone stops and stares at me. Typhoid Maria speaks first and asks me what I'm doing. She is followed by Fat Alberto who says "Did you forget your computers or something?". Even Juarez Teenager Female seems worried and asks why I have so many "paplers". I reply to all of them "Did you not read all the instructors posts? We had to bring all of these papers and have our name tag for credit. And we can't have our computers out. Or our phones." More blank stares. "Seriously, no one read it but me?" Then out of the corner, an It's Pat looking thing speaks up and says "I read it but I have it all on my phone so I wouldn't have to print it." 

Me: And you are?
It's Pat: I'm *name omitted. I'm in a band.
Me: Is this a band class? How is that relevant?
It's Pat: Um, I'm not following.
Me: Obviously.

I once again explain to everyone what was required for the first night and they all start saying things like "Oh it's cuz I readed it but didn't know we had to", "I don't like to waste energies on printing, it's not green" and Typhoid Maria's gem "Well, if they want us to print things and use computers they need to tell us that ahead of time." I'm not even going to touch that one. Nor did I explain that he was a she. I wasn't going to be by myself on that one.

In walks in the instructor. Big, black, bespectacled, wearing a vest and bow tie and with a look that says "I am judging all of you". That's supposed to be my look. Not cool bro. And I don't mean bro as in black man. Just a generalized bro. Okay, partly because he's black. Three minutes before six in the PM, he starts class. I was thinking to myself "Well, if you aren't 15 minutes earlier, you're late" when he actually says "If you aren't 15 minutes early, you're late." It all clicked. He was military. He had to be. I just knew it.

He dove into the syllabus right away. After noticing that I was the only one following along on my hard copy, he demanded to know where everyones syllabus was. Everyone offered their own pathetic excuses and he then handed out copies of the syllabus. "Apparently Ms. Golden is the only one who came prepared so she gets to feel superior to the rest of you. Although my guess is she already does." WTF bro? Where did that come from?! Because I'm white? Because I had the nerve to email you and call you out on not having our class forum set up? Because I called you ma'am? What. The. Fuck.

As much as I would love to give a word-by-word account of what happened, I couldn't have my computer out, I couldn't take notes, and I couldn't write everything down after class as I was so full of rage I would have broken my computer. You're going to get bits and pieces.

Somewhere between his opening statement about responsibility and how he's making us better, he referenced his $64 bow tie. I still cannot understand the context or the relevance but he broke his professional character and said "Girl, my bow ties cost 64 dollas. Gotta holla fo that dolla." 

There was a moment during the dramatic reading of the syllabus where we discussed late assignments. He made us repeat OUT LOUD like we were singing a Jody, that he does not accept late assignments. This occurred several times as he kept saying "I can't hear you!" I then pointed out that if he isn't going to accept late assignments, he should allow people to post them to the student website. 

Him: As I clearly stated in the syllabus that we are reviewing, the assignment is not due until tomorrow.
ME: Well, I clearly completed it earlier than that and to ensure it isn't late would like to post it now. Well, not now. I can't use my computer now. Wouldn't want to interfere with your purpose.
Him: (Chuckles) Perhaps you should have more attention to detail. I will ALLOW you to post your assignment when I am confident you understand it. 
ME: For real? That's your answer? 
Him: We shall address the assignment in detail shortly. 
ME: Holla.

He started going over our methods of communication and then I saw it. His personal email address. It stated his rank and job And since he had stated that he did not need to explain his credentials to the class, I was primed to pounce. You know why? Because I pay more to attend this shitty school than he gets paid to teach it. Because I have a right to know what makes this arrogant asshole qualified to teach me about criminal justice. And also because he had just criticized my attention to detail. hand went up.

Him: Yes?
ME: Are you a Command Master Sergeant?
Him: What would make you think that?
ME: Besides the jodys and your lack of hair?
Him: Yes, besides that.
ME: Well, you have a MSL. Master of Science in Leadership right?
Him: That's correct.
ME: Well, typically it's something Senior NCOs get to get promoted. And your email says CSM/ Oh, and you said HUA. I'm pretty sure of it.
Him: So your husband is in the Army? You're a dependent?

Really you sexist dick????!?!?!?!??!

ME: Well, my husband is a veteran, as am I. But thank you for the assumption. 
BTA (Big Time Army as he will now be called): You were in MY Army?
ME: Oh that's hilarious. God no. We were in the Air Force. 
BTA: Now that's hilarious. We gon be beefin' huh? Damn Air Fouce up in this mug! Betchu was a cop huh?
ME: I'm not sure about "da beefin'" but yes, we were both Security Forces. 

Now what came next is not important. What is important is how quickly he switched from professional to Hoorah, to just ghetto in such a short amount of time. I don't mind trading witty quips with an instructor. I enjoy it actually. But to converse with someone who is so clearly in an identity crisis, well, I was scared. I was waiting for him to ask if Wayne Brady had to slap a bitch.

All of his shit aside, he put Juarez Teenager Female in my group. And her teammate who hasn't been given a name yet because he's stupid, but not stupid enough that it has bothered me. I have literally spent the past two days re-writing our team charter because Big Time Army had "feedback". By feedback, I mean corrections to perfection. He even stated in the feedback that the charter was "perfection" but that he wanted us to make it "more perfect". I hate him. I mean that. Hate. Him.

There was so much awesome that happened, I literally overloaded my brain with mental notes for this blog. I think it crashed. He can be a dick and make assignments harder than they should be. He can hate on the Air Force and tell me my law enforcement experience is not relevant to criminal justice even though he's a medic. He can be ghetto bi-polar all he wants, but don't fuck with my blog. I will try to record the class or something next week so that I can provide a detailed account. 

Until then, I am signing off to go piss off some religious nut jobs. If we aren't friends on FB, just know I know some serious whack jobs who apparently have NOT read my blog and are unaware that I enjoy the crucifixion of people.

Thursday, February 16, 2012 2 comments

Oh No She Didn't

Seriously, this is a much needed rant.

My new "teacher" and yes I am using that term loosely, not only has written a syllabus and policy letter that makes her sound like an uptight bitch, but when I emailed her today (because she will "not accept texts or phone calls from students") to ask her to change our assignment tab so I could post my homework on time and she replied with:


Greetings, to you,

The homework for this week is not due until this Friday.  This is clearly indicated in my syllabus that I have posted for your review.

I ask that you review the meterail prior to coming to class.

Thank you."

Now, this may not seem like anything, but I clearly know university policy and it states that students are permitted and encouraged to turn assignments in early and no later than the day of class. So screw whatever date she picks, I can turn it in (and should) early.

She also has an email signature that states "Please consider the environment before printing out this and any document." But then required it in our syllabus that we print about 40 pages and bring them in tonight. Oh, and we can't have computers in class as she finds they are distracting to her purpose. But our textbook is online, and our classwork, oh, and all of the papers she wanted us to print and bring. I guess we just have to "consider" the environment, not actually save it.

Oh, my favorite part....
She has the letters MSL and CFE after her name. CFE is certified fraud examiner and MSL I think means she has a law degree, which she got from a "non-traditional learning environment such as yourself." I know it's just five classes with her, it's an easy route to a masters and that I have more law enforcement knowledge and experience in my pinkie toe nail than she has had in her whole life, but I already want to ring her neck.

I would blog during class but I wouldn't want to offend her fucking purpose.
Sunday, February 5, 2012 1 comments

Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'

Listen up people, I am itchin' for a fight. It's been a week plus a few days since my last blog and the longer it takes me to pop one of these out, the more my sanity suffers. It's like I am unable to hold in the insults that long to flow from the pads of my fingers. So without further ado...

Before class even began, things were off. Starbucks got my drink order wrong (triple grande instead of triple venti), traffic was horrifying, I had to stop reading Mockingjay, and frankly, PMS is a bitch. Long story short, I walked into class to find shiny, happy people when I was dark and twisty. Yeah, that's a Grey's Anatomy reference, you like it.

So yada yada yada, everything is off. I didn't even cringe when Typhoid Maria (Fat Alberto's teammate) did her sing-song "Hello Tiffany!" as I walked in. I know I haven't blogged about her before, but I hate this bitch. She is everything that is wrong with old people. Everything. She works as a medical biller and one day decided that since the federal government was paying for it, she would go back to school for criminal justice. Somewhere under her Dorothy Hamill hair style in that tiny little brain of hers, she thinks she has what it takes to be in the criminal justice field. Just no idea of where exactly in the field. Every week I listen to her go on and on in the fifteen minutes we share before class (punctuality is her only redeeming quality) about how she doesn't want to carry a gun, she doesn't want to deal with prisoners, doesn't want to wear a uniform, doesn't want to be at a desk, and doesn't want to do anything being in law enforcement actually requires.

For those of you who don't know, Typhoid Mary was an Irish immigrant who lived in New York. She carried the pathogen associated with Typhoid Fever but never had a symptom in her life. She just spread the disease to 53 people, 3 of whom died, over her career as a cook. When confronted by the health department, she denied that it could have been her, because she wasn't sick and also because she thought she was being persecuted because of her Irish-ness. She was forcibly quarantined TWICE and the second time, it was for over 30 years until her death. She is what I think of when I think of Typhoid Maria. She may not be spreading Typhoid fever, but this bitch is so far in denial about her future career that it's baffling. When asked once about what she thinks might hinder her in the criminal justice field, she said "Well, people are threatened by a smart, confident Hispanic woman." Dark Phoenix, an actual smart, confident Hispanic woman, said "Well, I'm proof that that isn't something to worry about. Are you worried your age might lesson your career opportunities?" to which Typhoid Maria replied "Well, I'm not that old and you aren't that young." But you are that stupid and that negative. Yes, I am a bitch and as negative as they come, but she turns everything good to bad. Everything other's are proud about is crap. Everything that shines is dull but she still has this sing-song voice and smile that says "I hate you and you hate me but I act like Suzy fucking homemaker and if you snap, you'll be the bad guy."

She's rambling on about her daughter's various high-school shit, how she never has time to do her homework, and that she thinks that maybe she could be like some sort of agent. Real estate? Sports? Federal? Who knows, just some kind of agent. I'm trying to set up my Mackey (yes, I named my Mac Book Pro) and plug in my phone that's dying, set down my coffee and purse and not drop everything, and apparently I said yes to whatever she was asking. Suddenly, it's quiet. Deathly quiet. I sit down and start to log on and all she says is "Wow". "Wow what?" I ask. "Just wow," she replies. Whatever, I don't bother to  ask what the fuck she's talking about and I do my pre-class routine until Dark Phoenix arrives.

Each person had an individual presentation on one of their discussion questions. Mine was asking that if you knew prison was not a deterrent, would you still be in favor of it. Of course I would be. You can't beat and torture the convicted, not every case is a death penalty sentence, and I don't want convicted felons just walking free after the trial, so yeah, woo hoo prison. My presentation was totes amazing. Dark Phoenix actually said "You never disappoint me!" and then told the rest of the class "That's how it's done." Typhoid Maria scoffed. I shook it off, she's just a jealous bitch, whatevs. But then Typhoid Maria takes the floor. Her question was if she thought prisoners should be allowed to participate in medical studies in exchange for a reduced sentence.

Typhoid Maria begins with "May I just say that if any of you have an opinion about my presentation, just keep it to yourselves" and is lookin' right at me. I have no idea what the fuck she's talking about so I just smile real big and nod my head. He whole presentation was garbage, no shocker there. But she misunderstood the question and went on a rant about how prisoner's are being tortured by drug companies and how we need to respect their rights and release them if they ask. What? Really? Okay, let me go talk to Charles Manson and if he asks to be let out, I should just let him. So as she continues, Dark Phoenix turns around and says "What do you guys think about the QUESTION?" so of course I chime in.

ME: Well, the question asks if prisoner's should be given reduced sentences if they participate in medical studies, not that they are being tortured. I think that any participation in a medical study should be voluntary with no promise of a reduced sentence.
TM: I don't appreciate you mocking me Tiffany.
ME: Wait, what?
TM: Even before class, you're just being mean to me.
ME: Okay, seriously, what?
TM: I asked you if you thought my presentation sounded dumb when I read it to you and you said yes. And now you are just trying to make fun of me.
ME: Oh, that's what you asked me? I totally don't listen to anything you say. My bad.
DP: (LOLing) Um, Typhoid Maria, no one is mocking you. It's called class participation. It's encouraged, you get points for it.
TM: I need to stop. (shuts down power point and walks to door) I think I just need a moment of no judgement.

She didn't come back for 35 minutes. No one cared, we just went on with the rest of the presentations. She came back in, sat down next to me and acted as if nothing happened. Every part of me wanted to say something to her, anything, didn't even have to be mean, just funny, but I held it in. Finally, we hit our half-way mark for the night and she says "I have to leave early, I have a family emergency. I trust you won't allow them to talk about me after I leave?" to Dark Phoenix and then leaves without an answer.

I know some other good shit happened in class. Horrible yet inventive mis-pronunciations, crappy opinions, even a fart that I am pretty sure came from Juarez Teenager Female but no one wanted to acknowledge, but the meltdown of Typhoid Maria just makes me happy. Could she be my fifth victim? Let's hope so. The criminal justice system doesn't need anymore disease carriers.