Sunday, February 5, 2012

Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'

Listen up people, I am itchin' for a fight. It's been a week plus a few days since my last blog and the longer it takes me to pop one of these out, the more my sanity suffers. It's like I am unable to hold in the insults that long to flow from the pads of my fingers. So without further ado...

Before class even began, things were off. Starbucks got my drink order wrong (triple grande instead of triple venti), traffic was horrifying, I had to stop reading Mockingjay, and frankly, PMS is a bitch. Long story short, I walked into class to find shiny, happy people when I was dark and twisty. Yeah, that's a Grey's Anatomy reference, you like it.

So yada yada yada, everything is off. I didn't even cringe when Typhoid Maria (Fat Alberto's teammate) did her sing-song "Hello Tiffany!" as I walked in. I know I haven't blogged about her before, but I hate this bitch. She is everything that is wrong with old people. Everything. She works as a medical biller and one day decided that since the federal government was paying for it, she would go back to school for criminal justice. Somewhere under her Dorothy Hamill hair style in that tiny little brain of hers, she thinks she has what it takes to be in the criminal justice field. Just no idea of where exactly in the field. Every week I listen to her go on and on in the fifteen minutes we share before class (punctuality is her only redeeming quality) about how she doesn't want to carry a gun, she doesn't want to deal with prisoners, doesn't want to wear a uniform, doesn't want to be at a desk, and doesn't want to do anything being in law enforcement actually requires.

For those of you who don't know, Typhoid Mary was an Irish immigrant who lived in New York. She carried the pathogen associated with Typhoid Fever but never had a symptom in her life. She just spread the disease to 53 people, 3 of whom died, over her career as a cook. When confronted by the health department, she denied that it could have been her, because she wasn't sick and also because she thought she was being persecuted because of her Irish-ness. She was forcibly quarantined TWICE and the second time, it was for over 30 years until her death. She is what I think of when I think of Typhoid Maria. She may not be spreading Typhoid fever, but this bitch is so far in denial about her future career that it's baffling. When asked once about what she thinks might hinder her in the criminal justice field, she said "Well, people are threatened by a smart, confident Hispanic woman." Dark Phoenix, an actual smart, confident Hispanic woman, said "Well, I'm proof that that isn't something to worry about. Are you worried your age might lesson your career opportunities?" to which Typhoid Maria replied "Well, I'm not that old and you aren't that young." But you are that stupid and that negative. Yes, I am a bitch and as negative as they come, but she turns everything good to bad. Everything other's are proud about is crap. Everything that shines is dull but she still has this sing-song voice and smile that says "I hate you and you hate me but I act like Suzy fucking homemaker and if you snap, you'll be the bad guy."

She's rambling on about her daughter's various high-school shit, how she never has time to do her homework, and that she thinks that maybe she could be like some sort of agent. Real estate? Sports? Federal? Who knows, just some kind of agent. I'm trying to set up my Mackey (yes, I named my Mac Book Pro) and plug in my phone that's dying, set down my coffee and purse and not drop everything, and apparently I said yes to whatever she was asking. Suddenly, it's quiet. Deathly quiet. I sit down and start to log on and all she says is "Wow". "Wow what?" I ask. "Just wow," she replies. Whatever, I don't bother to  ask what the fuck she's talking about and I do my pre-class routine until Dark Phoenix arrives.

Each person had an individual presentation on one of their discussion questions. Mine was asking that if you knew prison was not a deterrent, would you still be in favor of it. Of course I would be. You can't beat and torture the convicted, not every case is a death penalty sentence, and I don't want convicted felons just walking free after the trial, so yeah, woo hoo prison. My presentation was totes amazing. Dark Phoenix actually said "You never disappoint me!" and then told the rest of the class "That's how it's done." Typhoid Maria scoffed. I shook it off, she's just a jealous bitch, whatevs. But then Typhoid Maria takes the floor. Her question was if she thought prisoners should be allowed to participate in medical studies in exchange for a reduced sentence.

Typhoid Maria begins with "May I just say that if any of you have an opinion about my presentation, just keep it to yourselves" and is lookin' right at me. I have no idea what the fuck she's talking about so I just smile real big and nod my head. He whole presentation was garbage, no shocker there. But she misunderstood the question and went on a rant about how prisoner's are being tortured by drug companies and how we need to respect their rights and release them if they ask. What? Really? Okay, let me go talk to Charles Manson and if he asks to be let out, I should just let him. So as she continues, Dark Phoenix turns around and says "What do you guys think about the QUESTION?" so of course I chime in.

ME: Well, the question asks if prisoner's should be given reduced sentences if they participate in medical studies, not that they are being tortured. I think that any participation in a medical study should be voluntary with no promise of a reduced sentence.
TM: I don't appreciate you mocking me Tiffany.
ME: Wait, what?
TM: Even before class, you're just being mean to me.
ME: Okay, seriously, what?
TM: I asked you if you thought my presentation sounded dumb when I read it to you and you said yes. And now you are just trying to make fun of me.
ME: Oh, that's what you asked me? I totally don't listen to anything you say. My bad.
DP: (LOLing) Um, Typhoid Maria, no one is mocking you. It's called class participation. It's encouraged, you get points for it.
TM: I need to stop. (shuts down power point and walks to door) I think I just need a moment of no judgement.

She didn't come back for 35 minutes. No one cared, we just went on with the rest of the presentations. She came back in, sat down next to me and acted as if nothing happened. Every part of me wanted to say something to her, anything, didn't even have to be mean, just funny, but I held it in. Finally, we hit our half-way mark for the night and she says "I have to leave early, I have a family emergency. I trust you won't allow them to talk about me after I leave?" to Dark Phoenix and then leaves without an answer.

I know some other good shit happened in class. Horrible yet inventive mis-pronunciations, crappy opinions, even a fart that I am pretty sure came from Juarez Teenager Female but no one wanted to acknowledge, but the meltdown of Typhoid Maria just makes me happy. Could she be my fifth victim? Let's hope so. The criminal justice system doesn't need anymore disease carriers.


Shannon said...

BAHAHAHA!!!! Tiffany, I adore you. You never cease to amaze me. What an idiot!!!

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