Thursday, April 26, 2012 1 comments

District Attorney

Tonight is the night. Criminal law with KiKi Quiver Bone. I could have gone with something else, but Quiver Bone made me giggle...that and KiKi Fuck Stick doesn't have the same ring to it.

KiKi Quiver Bone is a lawyer and was an assistant district attorney with the Sun City for 78% of my life. I'll let you do some calculating really quick....with me still? Okay. She was in college when I was shitting my pants. She also has blond hair that is the similar to a yellow highlighter, and has one of the fiercest face-lifts I have seen since Joan Rivers, but the neck of a Turkey (you know, the hangy thing). Add a rolling backpack contraption and lipstick that is far too matchy with her hot pink twin set and I think I've given you an accurate description. As we speak she is discussing adjusting the thermostat as she is going through "the change." I can tell by looking at her she is probably menopausal, but I didn't need a verbal confirmation.

Fat Alberto is 'bout it though. He's been kissing her ass for the past five minutes or so that she has been in the classroom. He told her "Ay wey, there is no way you're old enough for that senorita." I'm shocked he didn't call her "guera" which you probably have heard pronounced "wetta" as most Hispanics I know that have called me that are too lazy to know their own language, not just mine. Oh, did I mention she was white? Alas, I have to surrender my crown. No longer am I the ruler of Only White Land. Or should it be "Whites Only land"....eek, reading that made me cringe. How about Queen of the Lone White Folk? Fuck it. I am no longer the only white person.

Right now she is having the guy who brings around the class roster for signing how to use the computer. She wants to know how to use the projector that is hooked up to the computer to show the class the "power point slide show presentation" (yes, she said all of that). He is trying to explain to her that the computers at our campus work just like the ones at the other campus she teaches at, but she is NOT having it. She started speaking slower to him (apparently she thinks he doesn't understand English?) and repeated what she said before. I feel like I am watching a travel show where the traveler thinks that making hand signs and speaking slow will help them get the natives to understand, but the natives end up either telling them to fuck off or just smiles and points in the wrong direction. He is smiling and pointing. Well played roster man, well played.

After giving us her life story (yes, including mid-life crisis and menopause) she started to ACTUALLY teach us. First impressions aside, she isn't half bad. Mind you, I detest lawyers merely on principle, but she is a stickler for grammar and has been teaching high school for a few months now and stated she "does not tolerate retardedness." I literally LOLed. Anyone who hates stupid people as much as I do must not suck all that much. I will not retract my observations on her appearance or change her name (she definitely gives off a KiKi vibe), but she is NOT a stupid woman. She's dry (that is not a menopausal dig), witty, hates teenagers (yay!), enunciates her words, and liked my nail polish (Essie Turquoise and Caicos). Couple that with a law degree, 20+ years of experience working for the right side of the law, and she thinks my daughter is "beyond adorable" and she's probably going to be my favorite teacher ever.

When we started discussing elements of a crime, Fat Alberto decided to start telling a story about how "this guy, wey, he was like a druggie, you know, but he wasn't a druggie, you know, and the police were like..." but she cut him off and said "Didn't you here me say I don't tolerate retardedness?" I snorted and choked on my tea at the same time. He (of course) didn't get it and tried to keep telling his story, to which she cut him off again and said "I see no relevance of anything you could possibly say to what we are discussing. Moving on." His jaw AND mine (and probably the whole class' collectively) were on the floor...his out of shame, mine out of sheer respect and adoration.

We have an El Chuco police officer in this class. He's a former Marine (though from the look of him you wouldn't know it) and is wearing a Lynard Skynard t-shirt. I thought maybe this would make him awesome, but when I said "Excellent band" to him, he, in all seriousness, replied "What band?"
Me: The one on your shirt.
Him: No, it says Lynard Skynard. Isn't that an alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: Yeah, like Jack Daniels, no?
Me: No. Please pretend I never spoke to you.

This brief and shameful conversation earned him a blog-name. Semper Fucking Idiot. I don't care how many Marines I have just offended (I know of only one who reads this). How do you call yourself an American citizen and not know the song "Sweet Home Alabama" or "Free Bird" (at a minimum) and who sang it?! I wanted to ask him if he had ever drank Lynard Skynard and what it mixes well with. I wanted to say "Oh yeah, that's such a good brand. You should order it next time you go out drinking." Actually, I wanted scream "FREE BIRD!" in his face as I slapped him. But alas, I just let it go.

Other than some random thought-vomit that my other classmates felt the need to turn into word-vomit, not much else happened.

Oh, Typhoid Maria asked me if I wanted to be in her group and I was unable to stifle a laugh. It was an outburst of hysterical laughter. I think for a moment, I could have been sent to a psych facility because that's how crazy I must have looked. Well, I looked more crazy when I abruptly stopped laughing and Van Damned her (Hubby, I thought of you) and said "I prefer to work with people I don't detest." She must not know what detest means because she replied with "Is it cause you guys already told the lady you're a group? Maybe in the next class." No bitch, not in the next class. Not five classes from now. Not ever. Do I need to turn this into Green Eggs and Ham? I do not like you here or there, I do not like you anywhere. Of course this is the amended version and I will NOT change my mind at then end by trying to work with her and it turns out she's a gem.

Okay, now nothing else awesome has happened. I have to pee really bad and I'm going to try and do it before class is over. I bid you all adieu.
Thursday, April 19, 2012 2 comments

Everybody Talks

For those of you who are awesome, yes, the title is in reference to the very wonderful everybody talks by the Neon Trees. Their new album dropped on the 17th and I am madly in love with it. They have almost cured me of my One Direction infatuation. Almost. They don't look as pretty as Harry Styles does...shirtless and wet jumping into the ocean (drool), but they have followed up their album Habits with the very amazing Picture Show. I suggest you all get it, via iTunes or where ever you buy your music. I have had both albums on repeat all day and have not regretted it one bit. Okay, album recommendations are over. Back to school.

I just, just, JUST walked into class and I see Fat Alberto and Typhoid Maria are having an intense conversation about someone who just died. Typhoid Maria is speaking in Spanglish about how whoever just died had only gone to the hospital the day before and got diagnosed with something that day and then died. Apparently, it is the doctor's fault because the guy should have been told sooner. Fat Alberto asked her if the guy had been to the doctor before that and she said "No, he hadn't been to the doctor in like 5 years. But they should have known." I did everything in my power to not say anything, it was hard, but I held everything I wanted to say in. Then, Fat Alberto started talking about how fucked up it was that the doctors told him that he was dying "super fast and shit" because "they should have just pretended he was fine so he didn't died all scared." Again, I held my tongue and went about my pre-class set up. I could not get my computer out quick enough to jot that lovely incite into the health system down.

As I started typing, they started discussing their presentation for tonight. Something about how power point was not working properly and that the pictures they use are not staying in the right place when they message it back and forth to each other. Then there was this sudden silence. I look up to find them both staring directly at me.

Me: What?
Typhoid Maria: Well, do you know why it isn't working or not?
Me: Do I know why YOUR power point isn't working?
Fat Alberto: Si.
Me: Maybe you have different versions and there is a disconnect some where. Maybe his version can't format it the way yours does.
TM: Well I'm not paying for the new office.
Me: You don't have to, just update it regularly when it notifies you.
TM: I don't get updates because mines bootleg.
Me: Then that's probably the problem.
TM: Well you don't have to judge me for it.

Um, okay. I literally didn't look up from writing the paragraphs on their initial conversation the whole time they were talking to me. Didn't make a weird face, didn't call anyone a criminal, how was I judging.

I continued typing (the convo and they start talking about how maybe it would be better if only one team member did the work like my group does. But Typhoid Maria says it like a little kid who is trying to goad someone. Then she says "Tiffany, isn't that how your group works? You do all the work?" Trying not to choke on my Starbucks I was sipping, I set it down slowly, flipped my hair to the side and turned to stare straight at her with a "let's do this bitch" look on my face. In my best, calm, Martha Stewart-esque voice I say "Our GROUP does the GROUP work. It's always been that way. I complete an equal portion of the work, as do the other members. To imply that they aren't as a part of the group work is slightly catty and jealous. I'm sure you didn't mean to come off like that, well, unless you are jealous of the A we have maintained since I have joined the class." She started to speak and then mumbled "I'm not jealous" to herself and has said nothing to me since. I did hear Fat Alberto whisper, in his clearly not a whisper voice, that they would talk to Juarez Teenager Female about joining them in the next class. Yeah, because she's the brains of our team.

I texted JTF as she walked in and told her that it was great working with her and I would be sad to see her join the other team, but that I wished her well. As she sits down she reads it and busts out laughing and texts me back saying "I would NEVER EVER fucking be on their team. Let me guess, they were talking about asking me to join?" I nodded and she laughed more. Apparently, every class we have had they have tried to steal one of my team members. She told me that Fat Alberto asked Typhoid Maria why she wants my team members and she said she wants me to fail. I'm not sure if she means fail the class or just in general, but sorry lass, the loss of a team member or even all of them won't cause me to fail. It would cause THEM to fail, but I'll still be rockin' an A. Bitch.

I think the next class we might end up coming to blows. She is so jealous of my brain, I think she might try to snatch it out of my skull. Maybe even zombie style. She's going to eat my brains. I said it. Crap, if a zombie apocalypse actually happens, I'll have to look out for Typhoid Maria zombie, because her hatred of me is so strong, her zombie self is going to be programmed to come after me. Yes, I realize that this implies that I would still be human and it may sound cocky, but come one. I'm gonna survive. It's just fact. Not because I watch the Walking Dead, not because I love a good zombie flick, but because I'll just fucking shoot everyone. Better not send any slack-jawed mouth breathers my way, if you look like your brain dead, you'll be dead. End of story.

Not sure why I went off on a zombie slaying bunny trail, but it happened. Whatevs. We are currently discussing why there are more border patrol agents on the southern border than the northern. Somehow that segued into how illegals get everything for free and us citizens are fucked over. I'll admit that I felt a bit of camaraderie with them. Like, wow, its not just the white folk that get screwed over here in El Paso. We are all getting fucked.

So we are on break now and the other team that is NOT Fat Alberto and Typhoid Maria brought us pizza. I'm not eating it, My Fitness Plan would be destroyed when I entered that pizza was my dinner and it always makes me feel like shit when it says I have gone over my calorie limit for the day. Fat Alberto obviously isn't counting calories as he has just finished his sixth slice. I guess I can't say he finished it as some of it is on his chin and shirt. So wasteful. Typhoid Maria announced she will not be eating pizza because she's watching her weight. One, we don't care, and two, what the fuck does she mean she's watching it? It's obviously not going anywhere. She did this weird little giggle and added "I have to keep my girlish figure." If by girl she means Dame Maggie Smith then yeah, she's nailed it.

Now she's talking about her daughter, a candidate for Teen Mom: 3-El Paso. The teenage volleyball player she never shuts up about is apparently a mother. And she gets government aid. No wonder she was so quite when the rest of us were bitching about how we don't qualify for any help. Her little superstar gets food stamps, health care, and free baby shit. They even offered her free housing but she didn't want to leave Typhoid Maria's house. Really? If she's a minor, mommy and daddy should be paying for it.

Team A is presenting right now. A as in Awful. A as in Assholes. A as in Typhoid Maria and Fat Alberto. They are talking about women offenders and how they are being discriminated against because they are starting to get tougher sentences now and that's not fair. Um, how do you tackle such solid logic? Women shouldn't get tougher sentences because they're women. Okay, let's just set equality back a few decades. Fat Alberto just said "Women are underrepresenteded in life AND the criminals justice systems because they're the victims, you know, so they get discriminated, you know." Minus the "you knows", that's word for word what the power point says. Oh, and hookers have rights. Not sure what those rights are but there is a whole slide with bold font that simply says "HOOKERS HAVE RIGHTS". I feel so informed.

Did you know that we have heard in the news all the time about security guards at schools raping little girls? Like all the time. You can't turn on the TV without hearing about cops and stuff raping women and sometimes men. It's on the news ALL the time. What fucking news channel are you watching? Women are also evil because they kill and better men all the time. Better men. Not batter, better. And they don't let the baby daddy see the kids because they might have been raped. No lie, that is a bullet on the slide. "They refuse acksess to baby daddy because of rape." Spell check is apparently not required at a college level, neither is a brain.

Team C is up now. I would tell you what it's about but, um, I haven't paid attention. Like at all. I had to tend to my virtual pawn shop on FB. Something about gender bias but don't quote me on that. Then one of them just said something about normal white suburban areas and everyone looked at me. Nice.

We are up next....stand by.

Okay, as soon as we finished, he released us to go home. I closed this Mac Book Pro faster than it took to type that and bolted. But for you, my loyal followers and sycophants, I will recap. Blond Sonya and Juarez Teenager Female did their parts with few mistakes. It kind of helped that I made them note cards that they were instructed to read word for word. I did the final portion of the presentation. I also had note cards, but one line in I said fuck it and went off the cuff. I literally spent the next seven minutes explaining how everything that is wrong with the criminal justice system is the fault of minorities. Hold up, I'll explain. I told them how stereotypes exist because we allow them to. You don't have to be a teen mom just because you live in El Paso (yeah, that was a motha fuckin dig at TM). You don't have to be uneducated because everyone in your family is. I told them that it was time that everyone stands up and stops letting others speak for them and what they believe. Everyone is offering a hand out, not a hand up and as long as they allow themselves to be treated like second-class citizens, that is all the would ever be. If you want change, be that change. I swear to you, I sounded like a Pentecostal preacher in a country church on Sunday. I needed a black choir, a bunch of old ladies with fans in the front row and a pulpit to bang my fist against and you would have thought it was a scene from Blues Brothers, The Apostle or even Red State. I think I channeled my preacher grandpa for a second...his demeanor, not his doctrine.

They ate it up. I was almost positive I heard one girl say "Preach it." Not Jimmy Smitts clapped at the end.  Too bad it was all bullshit and they were reacting to my charisma and not my words. Le sigh.

Next week is criminal law with a teacher who has a genital related name. I'll have to meet her before she gets a code name, but you will definitely think of the male anatomy when reading it. Until then. Tschuss bitches.
Sunday, April 15, 2012 1 comments

Saturday Sun

Okay, misleading title, there was not Saturday sun. There was a HUGE sandstorm here in the Sun city.

This was around 2pm. No sun in site. And right behind that sky is a mountain range. Allegedly.

So anyway, I was bored and decided to yarn bomb the tree out front. Yes, in a sand storm. I started with some extra sock yarn I had lying around.

I didn't make it very big, just enough to go around a branch. I actually liked how it turned out. However, it took me almost 10 full minutes to attach that shit to the tree. By after nearly being blown to the land of Oz, I think it added a nice quirky touch.

Thursday, April 12, 2012 1 comments

Attica Blues

Attica! Attica! Attica! get the point. Tonight we are doing a team presentation on the Attica Prison Riot of 1971. I would have liked it to be a synopsis of Dog Day Afternoon instead, and the Not Jimmy Smitts even suggested we use clips from that movie. I had to explain to him that Dog Day Afternoon is NOT about the Attica Prison Riot. Yeah, Pacino shouts it out and whatnot, but it is NOT AT ALL about the riot. You'd think he would know that if he has seen the movie. Oh wait, he didn't. He, like most people, only remembers Pacino shouting Attica.

But before we get to our presentation, we started class at the usual 15 past 6 and I think we were supposed to be discussion racial disparity in corrections, but of course we Trayvon Martin it up. I decided this was my opportunity to call them all out about the lack of support for Zimmerman from the Hispanic community. I totally thought this would rile them up a bit, maybe provide a little debate to entertain me. No. Didn't happen. They all agreed with me. Fat Alberto tried to piggy back on my thought process and said "It's cause the blacks are all aggressive and mean to us if we speak our minds." What blacks? This is El Paso dude. YOU are the majority. There are no black people in El Paso bullying you for your opinion. Maybe for your English language skills. I almost feel bad mocking these people as there is now no doubt in my mind that they will never be better humans. Ever.

The first group presented after our lunch and since it was the three newbies to our class, I tried to listen with an open-mind. It wouldn't be fair to tune them out without knowing what they could do. They did nothing. They giggled, they read from the slides, one of them answered a text message during her portion and I am still not sure what they were talking about.

We killed it, as per usual. The picture perfect portrait of preparedness. That's what Not Jimmy Smitts said anyway. Except add some stuttering to it. Reminder: don't go for the alliteration if you are a horrible public speaker. The best part was the graphic photos of the riot and retaking of the prison. Typhoid Maria almost threw up. I'd feel more satisfied if she had, but I'll take the overly dramatic dry-heaving...for now.

Fat Alberto and Typhoid Maria took on the Stanford Prison Experiment...for a FOURTH TIME. In three other classes they have presented on this same subject. Each presentation is a mirrored image of the last, save a few added "facts" that they gathered from an intentionally incorrect Wikipedia page. I even called them out before the presentation and asked "Isn't that the exact same power point from the last class? You could have at least changed the background." Typhoid Maria shot me a nasty scowl but didn't acknowledge that it was regurgitated.

Fat Alberto even referenced me AGAIN. Every presentation he has said "Tiffany told me about this thing...yada yada yada". Here's the thing, each class we discuss the issues after the presentation and then the next class, he references ME and MY opinion. I didn't tell him anything. We don't chat. I offered insight to the class, not just to you. And that insight is not to be used by you. Well, if you use it, act like it's your own, don't say "Tiffany told me." Fucking idiot.

They added a video this time. Unfortunately, as interesting as it looked, Typhoid Maria stopped it and scrolled forward after 15 second runs and said "Well we have this but it's long so we aren't going to play it." I feel like I know far too much false information about the Stanford Prison Experiment. I almost (and probably will) want to find an excuse to do my own presentation on it just to shame them. It'll start with the first slide stating "Wikipedia is not an appropriate reference. Neither am I. That's why I did my RESEARCH on the subject from RELIABLE and TRUSTED sources. You are all fucking idiots. Specifically, Fat Alberto and Typhoid Maria."

I have to highlight my favorite part of the night. When discussing the Trayvon Martin shooting, Fat Alberto told me "You should be like el Presidente or something in the big house." I replied "You mean the white house?" To which he matter-o-factly stated "No they had to stop calling it that because of Obama."

I'll leave you to ponder if he was attempting irony or if he meant it. Good night ladies and gentlemen.