Thursday, October 27, 2011 1 comments

Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell

It has finally happened. I have been placed in a class that is very likely what I will experience when I am burning in hell. I'm sure I have said it before, but never in my life have I witnessed such ignorance. I mean it this time. These people make the inbred freaks from The Hills Have Eyes look like Einstein. I am still trying to wrap my mind around the how these people graduated high school, let alone got into college. I will do my best to describe them to you all, but we may have to have a part two to cover this one.

I already knew by reading the class roster that I was the only white person and that's including the teacher. There were a few names that perhaps could have been pronounced differently than what I was thinking, but my gut told me I was a lone wolf. No biggie, race doesn't matter to me, all I care about is that you do your damn work, and from the looks of our syllabus, there is going to be A LOT of group work. So I find the building and room that our class is in say a general "Hello" to the people that are already there and then sit down at a desk (they seat two per) that has two open to my right and one to my left. A seating choice, might I add, that clearly says that I like my space. I even spread out my binder, laptop, coffee and bag on the desk, so it was abundantly clear that you should pick another spot.

Didn't matter. In walks a pockmarked, fat, greasy yet flamboyant Hispanic mail that says "Hola beetches" to the room and sits down in the one spot to my left. He has a chipped manicure on his right hand, a stained Texas shirt (my heart wept for Bevo) and his jeans were low rise. Yeah, you read that right, LOW RISE. I could see his hairy paunch from a mile away. He starts setting up his things on his desk and sees my computer and says "Ayyyyyeeee, she's smart, she bought a small cheap computer!" to I am assuming the woman on his right. I replied "Well, no, I bought a Macbook Pro. You know, made by Apple. Maybe you've heard of them." He just gave me a blank stare and said (about two minutes of staring later) he said "Oh, the guy that died mades those. The guy that makes the jobs". Without laughing at his face I said "Um, Steve Jobs? Yeah, he ran Apple and he died recently". Now I'm not judging (oh wait.....) but this guy had some no name brick of a laptop and has the nerve to call mine cheap and small?! No dude, it wasn't cheap and just because it's lighter than yours doesn't mean it's small. And STEVE JOBS DIED, not the guy that makes the jobs. He then sees my phone (an iPhone 4) and says "Oh, how do you like your ayyyyyy phone?" but before I can answer, he says "It's a 3 huh? This like just came out." Oh and guess what, he gets a blog name. Why? Because he's my new team member. I think I'll go with Tejas Mo.

So the next class members trickle in and every last one of them spoke to me in Spanish first. With each limp wristed handshake they would offer, I would say "I'm Tiffany and I do not speak Spanish", to which I would get "Oy yay, that sucks" or "Oh so we have to use English then for you?" in response. These two guys came in at the same time and one sat down right next to me and the other made a loud sigh and sat in front of us. The one next to me says to the girl next to him "oh I see how it is, you let someone steal our spots. Imma get you back". Clearly he is referring to where I am sitting, so I say "Are you talking about this spot? I can move so you can sit together. All you have to do is ask instead of acting as if I can't hear you". Apparently this excited him as he then attempted to turn on his charm. We'll call him Rico Suave (since he was pretty gross too). He licked his cold sore covered lips, no joke, and says "No ju can sit right next to me. We're just playin" as his eyes focused right at my chest. Super.

Our instructor is actually pretty cool. Been in law enforcement for 10+ years. Dry witted and doesn't take any shit. When she was introducing herself and the course, the group of Juarez Teenagers (of which Rico is included) to my right were rambling on in Spanish. She cut them off and said "This is Written and Oral Communication in Law ENGLISH. Do I need to add that to the slide? That we speak ENGLISH here?" I had to use all my strength not to burst into laughter. She then asked us to ask some questions that were on the slide to the person next to us. We couldn't write down their answers, we had to retain it and then introduce them to the class based on the answers.

Rico Suave tried to ask me, but I had already turned to Tejas Mo. Big mistake. He asked me the questions but before I had finished answering, he was on to the next. When we introduced each other, I remembered everything he said and added a few witty quips, everyone laughed, it was good. But when he introduced me....well, let's just say if my biography was written on what he said, you wouldn't know it was me. Apparently, I want to be a stay at home mom when I get out of the Army and that me and my retired husband are trying to have kids. I want to get my "doctor degree thing" to be a border patrol agent and I like to read books with my glasses. No exaggeration. I tried to correct him, but Instructor said "This is an example of inactive listening, well, really bad listening" and then asked me all the questions about myself. She then said "And that's the ACTUAL Tiffany".

We had to do a few skits based on non-verbal ques from suspects and how different phrases could be said different ways and I, not only being the only vet, but the only person with law enforcement experience, was light years ahead of these people. Apparently, semantics is a hard word (the book defines it three times in our reading), hopeful means the same as helpful, and a NON-VERBAL queue is when someone SAYS stop. I did a mock traffic stop where you suspect the driver of driving drunk and THREE people commented after that "That's what the cop sounded like that got me for my DUI."How are you wanting to be in law enforcement and you've gotten a DUI?!

When it came time to pick teams, the Juarez Teenagers wanted to do two groups of five (it would have put me in their group). Instructor explained that while we only had 10 people right then, that we had 12 total, so we could do 4 groups of 3 or 3 groups of 4. Rico Suave apparently can't count because he again said "So like two groups of five". After I patiently (yes me) explained numbers and math to him, the Juarez Teenagers made their own group, a male and female who knew the two absentees made a group and I got stuck with Tejas Mo and Joe Cool, a Hispanic male from Chicago who tries a wee bit too hard to put off a straight, tough guy vibe. At least Joe Cool isn't an idiot, and during our bathroom break told me that he had Tejas Mo last time and that he was glad he didn't have to deal with his suckage on his own.

I had to explain the homework to Tejas Mo SIX DAMN TIMES. I still don't think he gets it. I don't actually need him for the group project, or Joe Cool for that matter. Most of the group work actually takes place in class, so that's one less thing to worry about.

I am actually pretty grateful I didn't get the Juarez Teenagers, I might have killed them all. I think they are actually all Americans and are all 21+, but they spent the majority of the class talking amongst themselves about where they go to party in Juarez and how you can get a lot of high school girls there. The one female, a 4'10" size negative Hispanic female with a perma-scowl on her hairy face, kept saying "Yeah but they don't know how to fuck. You gotta get a real woman." Like you? It was all around creepy. They even made plans to go to a house party together tomorrow night. The one guy I thought might have a brain in the bunch (he said he didn't drink and seemed to have a legitimate career plan) added "I'll come if you bring some bud. You know I don't like to drink". But you'll smoke pot and you want to be DEA. Awesome combo.

I'd touch on the other group but they were pretty forgettable. I know the male was short and fat and said he worked security. When asked where at, he said "You know, like people pay me to do security at events and stuff. I'm like a bouncer." Yes, if by bouncer you mean they could use you as a trampoline. The female was older and just kept talking about how she doesn't know what she wants to do in the criminal justice system, how she wanted a career that "had like less long hours but paid good and stuff." Yep, that's law enforcement. Less long hours but pays good and stuff. They actually had a pregnant female in their group who left early. She wore a dress that left nothing to the imagination; every dimple and fat roll, even her thong pantie line (yes, I know thongs don't show pantie lines) and mad cleavage. Do women not know what slips are anymore? Do they not know what shape wear is? I know she is pregnant, but they make that stuff for pregnant women. And she almost fell 3 or 10 times in her 4 inch (no lie) lace covered heels. I think she may be working the poll on the day shift.

My brain is turning to mush. Until next blog!
Thursday, October 20, 2011 1 comments

Bittersweet Symphony

It's my final math class tonight. This should be followed with a "AND I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY!", and don't get me wrong, part of me is. The other parts of me are divided up amongst a few other emotions. Shall I touch on those?

I shall. Let's start with anxiety. I haven't even been in this classroom for more than a few minutes and I have already been inundated with calls and texts. Coca Cola is running late, Shit In My Mouth just now looked at the presentation, Cum On Irene feels she needs to make a few changes to her part and Other Team Member is a few seats away from me hacking her gd brains out. Anxiety covers all of that nicely. CC being late means we can't go first which I had planned on doing so we could leave sooner. I created  SIMM's portion specifically for her so she could shine, she needs to score 20/20 on this to get a C. Cum On Irene is a fucking idiot and the only change she should make is to her gd face. And if I get sick again, I will murder Other Team Member. For reals.

Number two on the list is a delicate mix of anger and sadness. I am angry that every week for the past 10 weeks, I have been these people's fucking mother. I'm pretty sure we are all legally adults, but realistically, they're middle schoolers. I realize I'd have had less stress and less hair loss had I just let them crash and burn, but unfortunately, letting them crash and burn would have affected my grade. I don't do not A's. I'm angry that these people succeeded on someone elses coat tails. I am angry that, in all reality, they will continue to be just as lazy and scrape by the rest of their course load on tax payer's dimes. But then the sadness kicks in. Coca Cola can't hook me up with free shit anymore. That's depressing.

Number three is flat out dread. I know this next class is going to be filled with a fresh crop of fucking morons. It will bring three to four new team members that I will have to carry on my already heavy shoulders. It'll bring another instructor that I wow with the most generalized of opinions and gives me an A simply for not being stupid. An instructor that thinks my worst work is the best he/she has ever seen.

I'm not trying to sound conceited, really, that isn't the case. I don't think I'm a super genius, I don't think I'm too cool for school, I merely know that the quality of student AND instructor at University of Mythical Bird is well below par. I realize that in attending UOMB I have chosen to take the easy road to a masters and by doing so, I must suffer through the village idiots that have all congregated here. I also realize that without the staff and students of UOMB, I would have far less blog material. So I guess I'm feeling some gratitude as well.
Thursday, October 13, 2011 1 comments

New Deep

I've been listening to a lot of John Mayer in the past 24 hours for no apparent reason and during a shuffle all albums session, this song called New Deep came on. The lyrics are really wonderful, all about the pompousness of youth and how over analyzing is ridiculous and how this person has really made a change.  The chorus starts out with this statement that "Numb is the new deep" and it got me to thinking "Wow, what a good choice for a blog title". I'm sure you all have caught on that the blog titles are all song titles...if you didn't, just pretend you did.

I'm still not sure how it applies to my night so far. Maybe because I believe (cough cough KNOW) I am far more evolved than anyone else in this class. Maybe it can serve as a reminder that I am not the center of the universe, and that I need to be nicer. I need to change. There is this line where he says "I'm a new man, I wear a new cologne and you wouldn't know me if your eyes were closed." Granted, this song was pre-John Mayer the raging man whore douche bag, but I'm smokin' what he's rollin'. Perhaps I should stop analyzing the fault in others and have a good time.....

Just fucking kidding! Tonight is an especially special night. I did a bad bad thing. I gave myself the easiest part of our presentation. I'm talking title slide, objectives slide, intro and maybe one or two math problems. I also informed my team that they will be receiving ZERO help from me tonight. JJO said they need to be able to do it on their own and it will not effect my grade if they suck, so BAM! Let them eat cake. Or whatever Witty phrase works there.

The first two groups that have presented flat out said before they started that they didn't understand what they're doing and JJO was on that shit. He kept jumping up and saying "Clear as the muddy waters...." and writing frantically with the dying dry-erase marker. As much as this place costs, you'd think we'd get some better markers. Maybe a coffee bar. We did get snazzy desks with outlets built in, so I guess my charger thanks them. I actually think all of the money we pay goes to the AC bill. It's fucking freezing in here, plus everyone is sneezing and coughing. Apparently, no one in this class was taught to cover their damn noses and mouths.

The chick currently presenting is wearing a see through white shirt with an ill-fitting white bra that makes her look like she has inverted nipples. And she's a skinny fat girl, so I am even more disgusted. You know what I'm talking about. She's thin-ish but has creepy bell rolls and has a shirt from the Baby Gap. What's worse is she is wearing a man's xxl hoodie but it isn't zipped and it's hanging off of her shoulders. She needs a high pony tail in a scrunchie to really be able to pull this look off.

We just went on a 30 min break and Coca Cola asked if I wanted anything as he is going to the gas station and I have no desire to walk there, stand in line for our whole break and come back to class and be that jackass that's eating during the presentations. I prefer to be the jackass that is typing hateful things while occasionally saying "Uh huh", "Oh, that makes sense" and "7" without even looking up. Anyway, I said "Yeah, can you get me some coffee or hot chocolate or whatever. something that's hot". He replies "Like those starbucks drinks in the cooler? Or like a burrito?" SERIOUSLY?????? It took everything to not flat out slap the man across the face ala Terrence and Phillip on Brooke Sheilds (I think maybe one of you will get that reference), and after the long pause that should have been followed with a slap, I say "Like, hot coffee in a cup".

We're up next and I am giddy with excitement. I can't wait to present and then kick back and watch the train wreck. I wish I would have brought my knitting stuff. How perfect of a picture did I just paint? Huh? Feet kicked up on a chair, knitting away and chuckling as my team burns in the flames of the wreck. I know, I'm sick.

So they bombed....hard. Coca Cola went first. It was awful. JJO kept asking me to explain and then would say "No, I'm sorry. Coca Cola, please explain" and then when he couldn't, JJO would take over. SIMM did great, but he rushed her because she knew it. Same with me. Then came Cum On Irene. She started by saying "Well, it wasn't on the slide but I thought I would add yada yada yada" HOWEVER, it was on the fucking slide. Right on top. Way to look like a fucking idiot. Then she said "Well, I worked really hard on this but it's just so hard to understand." She didn't work hard on anything. I made the whole goddamn thing. I almost hit an old woman in a hot pink sling. And then Other Team Member didn't even present. At all. She stood there and said "Oh well you just explained it so we're done". I am enraged right now. Fully.

I am going to destroy this bitch. I can't wait until next week's class. I will craft a presentation that makes the rest of us look like good mother fucking Will Hunting and makes her look like Slingblade. It is so on. Would it be wrong to leave her name off of the HW as well? I mean, she doesn't do any of it. I do. I make the team logs that say who does what. Granted, I lie on those logs so they are believable, but I can fix that real quick. Maybe shoulder check her as we walk to the front.

And before I fucking forget, she has a damn bow in her hair. A fucking bow like I would put in the Little Bug's hair. And the bow matches the bows on her shoes and the bow earrings she is wearing. They're all blue to coordinate (allegedly) with her outfit. Problem is, her shirt is a pastel pink disaster and the pants are fuchsia. It isn't color blocking, it's color raping.

JJO is talking over the final group now, I'm sure he's trying to explain something important about next week, but I could care less. I'm trying to figure out how to cut a bitch without anyone knowing I cut a bitch.

WAIT! It gets better. I came out to my car to find a note on my door that said "Text Me Plz. Brandon" with his number. So I think, shit, maybe he hit my car or some shit. Nope it was the campus security guard and he said he's trying to meet new people. WTF???? Not just inappropriate, I'm creeped the hell out. Sooooo reporting that tomorrow.
Thursday, October 6, 2011 1 comments


I'm having one of those days. Not one THOSE days, the kind where everything is just off, but one of those days where everything is going smooth and then BAM! Someone comes along and fucks it up. Today, that person is, no shocker here, a team member.  Actually, two of them. Cum On Irene and the other new one. She doesn't have a name yet. Maybe I'll think of one mid rant.

First, Cum On Irene. She had shoulder surgery this week, and even though I thought she would be missing class, she said she'll be here. Well, she is, with bells on. She's rocking a hot pink sling and matching lipstick on her face....not lips, face. I'm pretty sure she is hopped the fuck up on pain killers. She tells me, as I'm walking in, "Well I told you I'd be here girl! But I gadda tellllllllll you that I jus look at this thing we're doing right this second annnnnnnd I know I'll'll be okay because I'm jus good with numberses." No exaggeration on my part. She added "I means if youuuuuu can read the books then you can get this stuff, it's like history."

No, it's like math. And I think you may be too damn high to read books, but we only have one book. We haven't presented yet, but I gave her the title slide, the objectives slide and a basic introduction. There is actually barely any math at all in her beginning portion. I have no idea what the fuck she thinks she's presenting on.

On to Other Group Member. She texted me today to tell me her daughter was sick, they were at the pediatrician, and she wasn't sure if she was going to make it. I said that I hope her daughter feels better and just to let me know, if she couldn't, I would do her part. No biggie, I made the fucking presentation without anyone's help, I can present it too. The she texts me about an hour and a half before class and says "I can't get a sitter and my husband won't watch her" naturally sparking a WTF moment. I text back and ask why he won't watch his daughter so his wife can go to school and she replies "It's cause he doesn't want to get sick." So it's okay that she does? Of course I am pissed now and text her back "You do know that if you don't come tonight, you don't get any credit at all for the presentation?" to which she replies "Yeah, but he has plans this weekend and doesn't want to get sick."

Seriously???? He doesn't want to take care of his child because he has plans this weekend? You are going to lose 15% of your grade (that's how much tonight is worth) to take care of a sick child that he selfishly doesn't want to watch? I told Shit In My Mouth and Coca Cola why she wasn't going to be here, complete with the husband part, and they didn't even react. Like, it's normal that a man not take care of his child. Like that's just acceptable. Fuck that.

To top that all off, while we were waiting for the first group to get here, I ran to the student lab to print out a hard copy of our homework and I run into African Army. I tried to ignore his racist ass, but he said "What? You dont rememba me? Hahahaha". I replied "I don't associate with blatant racists." He looked shocked and pissed but I could honestly give a fuck. I was just hoping he was deployed or got kicked out or dead so I wouldn't get stuck with him in another class.

Oh wait, another what the fuck moment. We just finished our presentation. I presented Cum On Irene's part. She just stood there and kept saying "As you can see on the slide..." and I ended up having to present it and do all the examples. Then I had to save Coca Cola's ass because he still can't say x squared or cubed or to the anything power. Then I knocked out Other Team Member's part and by the time we got to SIMM's part, J-JO rushed her through it and then my part, he stops me and says "You're going again?" I said "yes sir, I did Other Team Member's part and now we're on to mine" to which he said "At least I know you get it". I'd be flattered if it wasn't so sad that no one else in the group or the class gets any of this.

Normally, this would be the point in the night where I knock out next week's presentation and HW and then gloat int he fact I get to do nothing school wise for the next week, but my brain is fried. It's bad enough I do all the work for the group, but having to do the one thing that is required of them is really pissing me off. JJO pulled me aside during our lunch break and said that he see's who does what and that their grades will reflect that. I just smiled and nodded but it was very nice to hear him say that. I already knew that, but I like that he reminds me every week. It almost makes all this group learning shit easier to deal with.

Mommy Night Out tomorrow with two of my favorite ladies....if we don't get too crazy, I may blog about it. Night all.