This One's For The Girls

The older I get, the more it upsets me when women or girls treat each other like shit. Probably because when I was younger I treated other girls and women like shit. I've been a bad friend, a frenemy, a backstabber, jealous, and cruel and any one of you gals who say you haven't is full of it. And I don't even have the luxury of saying it was as a teenager because frankly, I spent the better part of my early twenties being a this way. My bet is that most of us have.

I am so embarrassed at how I behaved towards other women that I have written, deleted, rewritten, deleted and now REwritten this blog this morning alone. Seeing my behavior written out makes it undeniable. It seems unforgivable, though I have been lucky enough that many of them have forgiven me (and vice versa). And frankly, my pride and embarrassment is going to prevent me from writing them all down in this version. I may share them later, but I think they will distract you all from my point.

Yes, I do have one. I am not here just to shame all of us ladies into tears. I am a mother to a daughter. Read that again. As a mother to a daughter, I am even more aware of the vile, vicious things we ladies do to one another. I fear every single day that some girl who wasn't loved enough or hates herself is going to take that out on my girl; my girl who thinks drag queens and old people are magical. My girl who apologizes to her toys for not playing with them enough. My girl who loves everyone and sympathizes with the world. My smart, kind, beautiful girl who doesn't know what it is like to feel unloved or look in the mirror and hate everything about yourself. Because let's face it, we hurt other girls and women because we ourselves are hurting.

We've moved to the middle of nowhere as I have previously mentioned and it has been an eye-opening experience for me. It is in a small-town that you really see the damage that girl on girl crime causes. I know it is bad everywhere, but in larger cities you can avoid someone if you don't like them. You aren't forced to see them every day, to pretend like you like them. So instead of developing your relationships with a group of girls you chose, you talk shit about the ones that are forced upon you. What's worse is that they hate each other because they're taught to do it. Their mothers are too busy gossiping about other women AND teenage girls that they don't see their daughters behaving the same way they do.

I don't want that for my Little Bug, but I don't want that for any girl. I want to live in a world (or hell, I'd take just my town) that isn't filled with hateful women tearing each other down behind each others backs and smiling sweetly to each others faces. I want to live in a world where girls don't slut shame each other and then go and sleep with the same guy. I want to live in a world where women don't condemn each other for making a choice that is different than their own. I want to know that my girlfriend only says things to my face and doesn't share what I have confided in her with the cool girls to get ahead. Yeah...the cool girls still exist at this age except at this age you can tell they are just as damaged and self-loathing as you used to be.

This probably isn't FBG comeback you all waited so patiently for, but I can't get it off of my mind and isn't that what my blog is for? I know I'm not THAT old, but being a mother changes your whole perspective. Being good friends with other women does that too. I look at these girls who desperately want to be better people than they have been raised to be and I feel so sad and yet so hopeful for them. Because at least they know it's wrong and knowing it's wrong is the first step to being better.

Don't get it twisted. I'm not having some world shaking epiphany. My snark is still alive and well and will be aimed at all parties who are deserving, male and female. That doesn't mean I can't be a better FRIEND and in turn help others be better friends. I'm not saying it'll even work, but who knows what'll happen if I reach one girl? Maybe she'll reach another. And then that one reaches another. Fingers crossed right?