Thursday, August 30, 2012 0 comments

I Guess I Showed Her

Class is going to suck. More on that later. Right now I want to bitch about Baloo.

Last week he gave the class the option of writing a one-page paper on Stuxnet for one extra credit point. I need that one point to ensure I get my 100%, so of course I wrote it. Baloo gave me the one point. End of story? Nope. You see, Baloo is so determined to fuck with me, he marked last week's paper down to 9/10 with no explanation. I'm still at a 99, except there is no reason I should be. I scoured the paper I wrote (the not extra credit one) looking for any mistakes. None. I looked at the instructor provided feedback. Nothing stating why I was deducted the point. Zilch.

In fact, it says:

+1 bonus point Ms. Golden, as usual you have submitted an outstanding individual assignment this week. You touched on all of the major points for this weeks assignment as delineated in the course syllabus. Your assignment was formatted correctly with an introduction, body, & conclusion in which you provided in depth research & analysis of this weeks topic. You also met the word & reference minimums for a complete, comprehensive assignment. Your assignment is well written. The information flows smoothly from page to page, and you provided lucid examples of the practical application of the theories we discussed this week. Your ideas are easy to understand and it was truly a pleasure to read your assignment this week. Your assignment was properly formatted to the APA style. You included the page headers & proper APA in-text citations. Your reference page was properly formatted and you have met all the APA requirements this week. 

Not one thing about a deduction. He just can't let me get that 100.

Katniss isn't here tonight, so I've got Blond Sonja and Juarez Teenager Female for my backup. We have a quiz tonight that is only worth 4 points, but it's two essay questions. Okay, like 300 words for each, but that might as well be an essay for these people. We studied together before class, but I think it was more for them than for me because all I can seem to remember is the stupid shit they said.

Baloo is bullshitting with another CJ instructor and they're talking about other instructors. Baloo has referenced cronyism several times. I just can't figure out who they are talking about. I think they may be talking about our next instructor, but I can't be sure. I think he knows that I'm listening while typing and he hurried the man out. He decided to start class at 15 after and again, I am in the middle. I get to wait for the left side of the classroom (Moobs, Typhoid Maria, Semper Fucking Idiot, Fat Alberto) to go first, then me, then the right side of the classroom (Blond Sonja, JTF, The Deputy, Piercy Paula.) I wanted to go first so I could get it over with and go pee. I don't want to sit and listen to them babble on about shit that has nothing to do with organized crime. So far we've talked about a fight between two bikers, the school district wanting a raise in property taxes, and a coyote smuggling in illegals. No ties to organized crime for any of all.

I gave mine about the two alleged C.I.A. operatives that were wounded in Mexico. 12 Mexican Federal Police were detained for their involvement and they think they were acting on behalf of the Sinaloa cartel. Blond Sonja shocked the hell out of me by bringing up the 4 former Army members who killed another comrade and his girlfriend for threatening to rat them out because of the group's plot to overthrow the government. Sadly, she didn't know that militia's (which is what the group claims to be) are recognized by the US Constitution. She said they should make militias illegal "cuz you can't do that shit." Oh, but you can. Le sigh.

Can we just take this fucking quiz already?!?!?!

Okay, we took the quiz. I want all the time I spent studying back. Here I was thinking I had to have a minimum of 300 words and explain the answers in detail, but no. He posted the questions on the board and said, "You'll get full credit if you just write something that's even close to the answer. Really, I only gave it because I have to." What. The. Fuck!?!?!?!?  He even left the room for the majority of it, didn't make us turn off our computers, and didn't make us put our notes away. I hate this man.

We took break right after and though we were supposed to be back by 8. Baloo didn't come back until 8:30. No explanation. He just started right up with police brutality. He asked if before personal video cameras, if officers "employed different tactics" than they do today. Semper Fucking Idiot replied, "Well, now we have to use verbal Judo more than we would have back then." I LOL'd real world. I guarantee he has been dying to use that phrase for months now. It was written all over his face. He was waiting for someone to ask what verbal Judo was, but no one did. Even Baloo steamrolled him by saying that he wasn't asking about what cops do now. I smiled and said, "Back in the 1980's cops were able to beat suspects because the people were to scared to report it or they know no one would believe them." SFI scoffed and said, "But that's not policy." Baloo then laughed and said, "I have been a police officer since the 80's and policy didn't matter. You could do it and get away with it. No need to protect the cops, we all know they cracked skulls." Ne ner ne ner ne nerrrr. Childish? Yeah, but delightful none the less. His badge is sitting on the table in front of him (again) and he keeps playing with it. Baloo said, "What are you gonna do with that? Mine trumps yours." Again, I LOL'd real world.

Has the law enforcement bromance ended? Baloo has continued to silence Semper Fucking Idiot at every opportunity. He shushed him more than actual "shusssshhh." Karma motherfucker.

Well, now I know he's an idiot. He has a slide about "Charles Lucas" and the bio is strangely similar to Frank Lucas of American Gangster fame. Oh, because it is. Blond Sonja told him that his slide was wrong, the guy's name is Frank, not Charles. Baloo said, "Well, no. The guy's name was changed for the movie." I jumped.

Me: No, his name was Frank Lucas. He was a real man.
Baloo: Well, the book said Charles.
Me: The book is wrong.
Baloo: Well, the man who wrote it has a PhD, so I doubt that.
Me: Well, I have and google and there is no famous drug kingpin named Charles Lucas.
Baloo: But it's in the book.
Me: So, you're teaching us incorrect material. His name was still Frank.

He quickly changed the subject. PWND bitch. He wants to take my point, I'll take your dignity. He ramble on for a few more slides and as the time approached 9:30, we somehow got onto zombies. True story, bro. Baloo is not an expert on them by any means, but I had flashbacks to my film class discussion. Well, except that I can express my disdain for these people's lack of knowledge with my tone a little better. Sarcasm doesn't translate well in text (except on here:)).

As we were leaving, Semper Fucking Idiot stormed over to Baloo's desk to grip about his grade. From what I could hear, SFI was furious that he was only given a 5 on his paper. He said it should at least be a 7 because he had 3 references. Baloo told him he needed 4 and that really, he only had one in-text citation and the rest were just referenced at the bottom with no proof he used them. I had to pee so I didn't stay for the rest, but it is safe to say that the bromance is dead.

Not-so-shockingly, I am the only person who has an A right now, besides Katniss. During break everyone was bitching about their grades. JTF got a 4 and two 7's on her papers, while Blond Sonja got a 4 on all three. Typhoid Maria has been pulling straight 6's and Fat Alberto said, "You know, he's a tough graders but I think I'll get a C, you know." The Deputy says he should also get a C, as did Piercy Paula and Doppelganger. Moobs left before lunch....something tells me he's no better off. The other two guys, well, they don't have blog names so they don't matter. 

I still think Baloo is a giant waste of space who has ruined "The Bear Necessities" for me as every time he walks in I hear it in my head. I can safely say I hate him. But I can also say, he's a stern grader...even though I have no doubt his corrections are wrong.

Well, it is time for bed folks. Early morning fun is only 6 hours away. Nighty night.


A Change is Gonna Come

I am a livid lady. Seriously seeing red. I want to punch some bitches in the face but in this case, it would be a hate crime. Let me explain.

I took Little Bug to school this morning as per usual. It was actually a great morning. She wasn't fussy when she woke up and didn't roll her eyes at me when I took pictures. Well maybe in this one she did, she wasn't facing me and was explaining to me that she didn't need me to hold her hand.

We got to school and I let her run to the playground to get in "one good slide trip" as she calls it. Then it was time to line-up with the rest of her class. Little Bug is in the collaborative Pre-k which means it is filled with 4-year-olds (who speak English already) and 3-4 year-olds with special needs. The other class, which lines up next to hers is the ESL class (English as a second language). All of the kids are Spanish speakers. When you think Spanish speakers and El Paso, you think Hispanics, and you would be right. The class is Hispanic only.

This morning, a tacky Hispanic woman shows up with her kid in tow and loudly greets one of the other moms. In English, mind you. She says "Oy yay, I haven't seen you in forevers!" and the other basically repeats this. The first mom is wearing too-tight skinny jeans, sky high wedges, a top that is meant for a teenager and her hair and makeup (while flawless) is more televangelist preacher than everyday wear. Her son has breakfast on his face and shirt and his hair is a hot mess. There is nothing I hate more than parents who take time on themselves and let their kids look like shit. Well, I probably hate terrorists and Iranians more, but I digress.

The woman explains to the second mom that she got a call from the school that her son would be "truanced" if she didn't bring him in. She said, "I thought it was like whenever you bring them. It's just preschooled." Apparently she didn't get the message that they are now enrolled in the public school system. Attendance matters. 

They babbled on about other shit and then Mom Numero Uno says to Numero Dos that all the kids in their class are Mexican and all the kids in Little Bug's class are white. "That's so racists cuz they keep the gringos together." Um, what?! Little Bug's class has at least one kid of EVERY race, seriously. We even have a Samoan kid. But why does that even matter?! Your child's class is for kids that do not speak English. They're taught the same curriculum as my kid, but in Spanish. Would you like my English speaking child to be put in your class just to whiten up the place? Do you want your kid in the other class so they can sit and not understand what's going on? Our children are there to learn. Your child is in that class to learn English with a specially designed system that makes that happen.

Maybe she should have taught her kid some of that English she was talking shit in, then he could be with the "gringos." I know saying anything to her would have been a waste of time. She'd just call me a racist of make a scene, so I let it go. It isn't worth looking like a bitch in front of my child, though she had no problem running her mouth in earshot of the kids. Plus, who really wants to go to jail for beating the face in of a dumb twat? Not me.

Here's why I got livid. As the kids were walking into the building, at the end of the line was this little girl in Little Bug's class who has Down's Syndrome. She's so stinkin' cute and is super fierce. Doesn't want to hold the teacher's hand, is the first one to try and sneak over to the playground before the bell, told her dad that she doesn't need him to stay in the morning because she's a big girl, I just love her. Anyway, she's bringing up the rear and I start to walk out to the parking lot and I hear Numero Uno say to Numero Dos, "At least we don't have that!" followed by them laughing and looking directly at her.

I wanted (and still want) to cut a bitch. The violence in Juarez would look like world peace after I got done with them. Who the fuck laughs at a special needs kid? That little girl has more intelligence and spirit in her pinkie than you do in your entire FAMILY. I actually stopped walking and almost started towards her, but my fear of prison stopped me. I did play a grisly death scene in my head where they were leaving the school and got ran over and dragged for miles by the day care drop off bus. I was actually disappointed when it didn't come to fruition. 

People like that, be they any race, piss me the fuck off. Karma cannot come hit those broads fast enough. I'm going to try and let it go, but if they're running their mouths at pick-up today, I might have an update for you. I'll still be blogging class tonight, see you then.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012 2 comments

My Best Days Are Ahead Of Me

Anyone watching the RNC? Fat Bottom Girl sure has. About every other speaker has brought tears to my eyes as they recount their stories of hard work and struggle, how they or there parents built there businesses from the ground up (They DID build that!), and how Romney and Ryan are the two men who can and will lead this country back to greatness.

After the recent attacks on me and my blog by PolitiJim, the uninformed jackass wannabe pundent, I was determined to make it very clear what my political beliefs for. You know, so he couldn't confuse me with a Tea Party infiltrating Occupy Wall Streeter or a Catholic Santorum supporter. I know you can't change right-wing nut jobs and liberal psychopaths, but you can reach those in the center, which is close to where I stand.

I don't go to church on Sunday and I didn't bow my head or say Amen when the closing prayer was said. I know the GOP is often referred to as the party of God and guns, and I do subscribe to the gun side, but you don't have to love Jesus to be a Republican.

I believe that gay people should have the same rights as every other American. You probably won't hear that at the convention. You will hear a lot about how GOPers value traditional marriage. What's wrong with that? Aren't they entitled to their beliefs? Disagreement doesn't mean hate. In fact, those same bible toting elephants are taught to love everyone. Yes, bigots and hateful people claim to be members of the party, but they exist in the liberal world as well and they make up a very small percentage. I look forward to the day that the religious right and the moral majority's grip is loosened on the party. Have you ever heard of the Log Cabin Republicans?

Oh, we're racist too, right? That's what I've heard. We don't like minorities and want to keep them in the gutter where they belong. Yeah right. Tell that to Gov. Susanna Martinez of New Mexico, Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, Gov. Nikki Haley of North Carolina, Congressional candidate Barbara Carrasco, Rep. Allen West of Florida, Fmr. Sec. of State Condolezza Rice, Gov. Luis Fortuna of Puerto Rico...need I go on? Minorities are Republicans too. Stop believing the Liberal propaganda that we're all racist rednecks.

I think I've strayed from my point. In the past three days, I have seen post after post about how evil and hypocritical we Republicans are. How our women are all sluts. How the hair and makeup touch-up booth for the ladies of the GOP sets the women's lib movement back. And how they wish Hurricane Isaac would have destroyed every last one of them. Does this sound like the tolerant Left? Are these same people who are accusing the Right of waging a war against women calling GOP women sluts? No, that would be as hypocritical as all these religious nut jobs, right?

I have watched speaker after speaker highlight the things that make America great, and all of these things, Obama is against. Try and deny it. I'll go talking point for talking point with you, except mine aren't going to be filled with campaign rhetoric, they'll be filled with fact.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Fat Bottomed Girl reading nation (too lame? I'll work on it), I endorse Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan (who is kinda hot, no?) for the offices of President and Vice President of the United States of America. WE built this country and they know that and have the ability and determination to turn this country around. I'll go back to my regular not-charming and witty self tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012 5 comments

I Just Want It To Be Over

Week 3 of Into to Film started today. Yippee! Um, I just want to make sure everyone here's the sarcasm in that as they read it. Maybe a Daria-like voice? We're good? Okay.

This week's theme (yes, we have a theme each week) is essentially the Horror genre. Steve decided to add a twist,  “because every good horror movie has a twist," and threw in comedy/horror movies. More explicitly, Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland. Both brilliant comedies, but in my opinion, not so much horror films.

One of the discussion questions this week was this:

In some instances, genres overlap each other, as in Zombieland or Shaun of the Dead. In your opinion, do you think these movies fall into an existing genre, such as horror or comedy? If so, which one do they fall into? Why did you select this genre? If not, how would you define the genre? What would you call it?

I thought about changing the font to something more professional, but if it's good enough for Steve, why not copy and paste? Anyway, this was my response:

"Zombieland and Shaun of the Dead fall into the comedy genre more than horror. The movies are more funny than scary, if they are even scary at all. The zombies are more sluggish and silly than terrifying, the actors deliver hilarious line after hilarious line, and the stories have a happy ending. Horror movies never have a happy ending. It defeats the purpose of a horror movie. I guess it is possible to say they fall in both genres, but I personally find nothing about these films to qualify them as horror.

They are both listed on as comedy/horror, and thinking about it, Zombieland is a bit more suspenseful than Shaun of the Dead. There were genuine moments that startle you, but nothing that I would consider horror."

The question is asking for my opinion and I give that. There is nothing scary about those movies. They're meant to parody the zombie craze if anything, and to me, have a Scary Movie vibe to them. But that doesn't really matter. IT IS MY OPINION. Patrick must have missed that part of the question. Remember Patrick? He's the one who insisted John Travolta was in Forrest Gump. The one who takes serious offense to every post I make. The one who can't hang up the campaign hat long enough to not treat everyone like he's their TI yelling at them.

Here's his reply to me. Not his reply to the question, but directly to me:

You are mistaken about "Horror movies never have a happy ending". On the contrery most horror films do have happy endings. After all- did Jaws not got blown up at the end of the movie? Does Freddie Krueger not get "kills" at the end of most of his films, Does Jaime Lee Curts not live to see a sequel? Do they not find out who the killer is in the Scream films?? Does Linda Blair not become a normal little girl again at the end of The Exercist?  I think the happy ending is what viewers wait for in horror movie, it gives you the sense of vindication, and that good triemphs over evil. I do realize though...that in the past decade or so, a lot of horror films have opted for a not so happy ending (paticularly zombie films, which makes both Zombie Land and Shaun of the Dead stand out even more). Horror films (IMO) try to push the envalope now days with shock, and little substance. Speaking of zombies...they are supposed to be sluggish and silly, they are, after all, dead. Just saying...

He still has not posted his own reply to is required. I chose to ignore the spelling and grammar mistakes and simply respond to his "happy ending" theory:

"I'm not sure how your entire family and social circle being slaughtered as you helplessly watch is a happy ending. Every horror movie worth it's salt leaves the audience with a sense that it isn't really over at the end. There is nothing happy about it. 

Freddy always comes back to kill again. Linda Blair's character was possessed by a demon and a priest was killed, can we say therapy for life? Jaime Lee Curtis lives (until she dies) in fear of her brother coming back to kill her. Neve Campbell's Scream character Sidney lives a life in which she is constantly scared and untrusting of anyone who gets to close to her. Still think that's happy? 

I cannot name any horror movie where I get a "sense of vindication, and that good triumphs over evil." In fact, I get the sense that (even if there is no sequel made) these people will be forever damaged from the incident that has happened and in killing the killer, be it self-defense or not, they now have a tiny bit of that evil inside them.

In Zombieland, the nerd gets the girl and a set of cahones. In Shaun of the Dead, Shaun wins back the girl and gets to still have his BFF Ed (though, in Zombie form). And the zombies of these movies are sluggish and silly to make you less afraid of them. The zombies in 28 Days Later, Dawn of the Dead, Resident Evil, etc. are vicious and snarling. They don't dance to Thriller and die comically. "

I mean, am I right? Did you walk away from The Exorcist with a good feeling? No. You walked away from The Exorcist looking for the Bible. I left the Halloween movies checking my backseat and under the bed. Because of Scream, I STILL don't answer phone calls from numbers that I don't know or are blocked. No sense of good beating evil, just a few nightmares and extra precautions. 

I also know that Patrick needs to learn what spellcheck is. Correct me here peeps if I am wrong, but did Zombieland or Shaun of the Dead scare you? I will refrain from LOLing in your face if they did, I promise. I looked at his reply to the other Week 3 DQ and it is obvious this guy has a hard-on for the Horror genre. He wrote a giant run-on sentence describing the effectiveness of Leather Face as a bad guy. The DQ was asking us about teen slasher flicks and the cliches that are rampant in them. I guess Leather Face as a inbred, mentally impaired, slow-moving, psycho is not cliched at all. Not Michael Myer's esque in any way, shape, or form. He stated that "Leather Face is scary because he was real and really chopped people up with his chainsaw." 

Should I school him on the real events behind the Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Should I tell him that it is based on Ed Gein and didn't even really happen in Texas? Should I burst his bubble that there were no actual chainsaws? What's the point? The man is a delusional idiot. 

Here's a link to the truth behind the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, you know, in case you thought it was real too.

I have done my four posts for the day. I think I'll just let this one ride, because there is just no reasoning with some people. 

Until tomorrow.

Monday, August 27, 2012 3 comments

Forever Young

Little bug started school today. It's only Pre-K and 3 hours-a-day, but it's at the elementary school. She loved it and I didn't cry one bit. It was a nice break.

So no must have's today (I know, again!). You're treated to pics of my lovely on her first day of school.

She seemed a bit nervous @ breakfast.

About to leave, her smile finally popped out!

Waiting to go in...

She looks a bit terrified on the left, but soon was her hammy self again!

They have to line up before they can be released.

My Little Bug did wonderful!

And now, Little Bug would like to tell all of you how her day was:

I. Love. My. Friends. Julianna is my best friend and she is really nice. She has blue bows and brown hair. They love me too. School is fun because I get to learn math and teach the kids. Rainbows are really pretty but I didn't see one today. My friends love flowers. Flowers are okay, but rainbows are really prettier.

I had fun today and I didn't cry. The one boy with the necklace, he cried all day. I cried this morning because Momma woked up me so early. That's not nice.

I was being good and I listened to the rules from my teacher. I don't remember number one, but number 2 is to raise your hand if you want to talk. Oh, number 1 is be nice. Or be quiet. I did that. My teacher says I am a good helper and I told her because I practice.

Momma came and got me like she said. She didn't leave me. That's why I didn't cry. She comes back for me. Maybe the kids that cried don't have mommas that come back. The one boy with the necklace did but he still cried.

Momma took me to Hobby Lobby after school. She's gonna make me hair bows for Friday in 1000 months. I get to wear my school shirt. It's blue and white and has a coyote that says "Awwwooooooo!" But I'm not a coyote, I'm just pretending.

I get to watch Yo Gabba Gabba now so goodbye and see you later. Don't smell my feet because Momma said that's gross.

There you have it folks, straight from Little Bug. See you tomorrow!
Friday, August 24, 2012 5 comments

Before He Cheats

I wasn't going to blog today. I went and saw 2016: Obama's America (it was good!) and then had Little Bug's Meet the Teacher thing for Pre-K. I was perfectly content on coming home, feeding the kid, maybe drinking some wine, and then taking a coma. But as the fates would have it, I logged on to FB to find something that cannot go un-blogged about.

Let me start by giving you some back story. I've known one of the subjects of this blog for well over 15 years. My family went to church with him and his family, he may or may not have dated my sister for a spell, I think I made out with his cousin once in a parked know, church kids gone wild. Whatever. The guy hasn't crossed my mind in years.

I got a friend request from him a few months back and after asking someone else who the heck he was, I said, "Sure, let's take a walk down memory lane." I approved the request and then looked around on his page, nothing remarkable. I thought that the obligatory "Hey! How the heck are you?" would soon come, but it didn't. He sent the request, not me, so I wasn't going to say anything. Until today, I had yet to "Like" or comment on anything of his. The appropriate amount of time to do so had passed.

I never see his posts in my news feed. Like, ever. But today, at the top of my feed, was this gem:

And OF COURSE I "Liked" that shit. How do you not click "Like" when you see that a jilted ex-gf has hijacked his account?! Once I managed to read through the grammatically challenged diatribe, I LOL'd real world for a while. I was Skyping with my older sister at the time and even she had a laugh. She informed me that church should be pretty interesting come Sunday and that she was not responsible for anything she KNEW I would be adding to it. She knows me so well.

From what I remember about James, everything she claims he has done sounds legit. I'm a little disconcerted because he still lives in his childhood bedroom and I would hate to think he was bangin' skanks with his parents in the other room. Not classy bro. But this is me, and I have to comment. I thought that she was only a one-time poster, but after I told her to enroll in an English class, Jilty McPsycho Ex accused me of having cheated on James. 

After I swallowed my vomit, I had to defend my honor. I informed her that I had never been anything with James and that even though Lindsey had relations with him, didn't mean everyone else did. I don't even know this Lindsey gal. I looked at her profile since her last name was provided to everyone and admittedly, she looks like a skank. I may have been infected with herpes just looking at her picture. And the praying thing and saying hi to his momma, that was for laughs. It isn't my fault inbred folk don't get it.

Nicole, who is one of my oldest and dearest friends, commented as well (as you can see). We carried on a separate conversation on her page about this conversation. Totes hilarious.

Now some more...

I could have just accepted her apology and let it ride, but through my tears of extreme laughter, I had to continue. But this Lacey comes out of nowhere and decides that anyone else commenting on this needs to grow up and sounds like trash.

I don't know what it is about the people that lurk around the slums of my hometown, but they bring this fight out in me that can't be reigned in too easily. What's worse is that all the sarcasm and sick burns of the world are lost in their tiny little brains. I mean, you, my loyal readers, can read these posts and giggle right? Those of you who know these people and read my blog, you're gasping for breath from laughing so hard...I know it. Why can't this broad see the humor in it?

And really, accusing me of being high is the best comeback she's got? Honey, have you seen me scratching my neck outside of your cook house looking to score? No? Then I'm not high.

All of this could have been avoided (thankfully it was not) if Jilty McPsycho Ex had just followed some simple rules that I will now present to you.

The Rules for Getting Revenge on Your Cheating BF:

1. Correct spelling and grammar are an absolute must. 
We want to take you seriously, we do. The run-on sentences and liberties you've taken with spelling make that impossible.

2. Keep it short and not so sweet.
This gal has the right idea:                                                         

As does this one:

And if you must go the hacking of the FB page route:

3. This is by far the most important rule. Pay attention. GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND FORGET ABOUT HIS CHEATING ASS!
Seriously, he cheated on you. Why lower yourself to his level by pulling this shit? Carrie Underwood led all of you jilted bitches astray when she described the damage she did to some schmuck's truck. He fucks another woman so you end up in jail? Because that's what happens when you bash in windows and slash tires. You go to jail because you will get caught. Especially when you hack his FB and Twitter to tell everyone how he wronged you. It's called motive, you has it.

What I wouldn't give for the women of the world (and skanks of Lodi) to stop thinking they can change a man. Your pussy wasn't so magical that he immediately stopped his cheating ways. If he got with you while he was with his ex, that should have been a sign. Also, just a thought, but if he doesn't ever check his FB, wasn't it all kind of pointless? 

See you all Monday.

Thursday, August 23, 2012 3 comments

If I Don't Make It Back

I hate to be cliched, but it is raining cats and dogs in the Sun City. Everything is flooding and most of my classmates have texted or called me to tell me they're going to be late. I-10 is flooded, Loop 375 is flooded, the road to get to campus is's a mess.

This also doesn't bode well for me as none of my teammates are here and Baloo is. He walked in with a big grin on his face that quickly disappeared when he locked eyes with me. FYI, I didn't blink or look away first, he did. Maybe I don't have to use my words to make this guy cower in fear.

When I got here, Typhoid Maria's jaw hit the floor. She tried to compose herself and said, "Oh hello! I didn't think you'd be coming back!" I smiled and replied, "Why wouldn't I? I pay to go here." She stammered, "I kn-know, but after last week, I just thought..." I couldn't help myself and said," Thought what? Thought I was scared of him? Thought I would take that kind of treatment?" "Well, no," she replied, "but he said so much bad things about you." I let out a laugh and said, "I know he did, and the dean does too."

Fat Alberto waddled in shortly after and said, "You know what? Good for you. You tell him he can't do that. Don't tell him but I filed a complaint for how he acted." I said, "Thank you, I appreciate that." I don't take back anything I have ever said about him, but at least he knows right from wrong.

Baloo is knocking the school again. He said he has to go to mandatory meetings on Saturday that he doesn't get paid for and how it's just so unfair. Anything else you have to say derogatory about our school? I'm not only writing it all down, I'm recording it as well. Speak into the microphone please.

Semper Fucking Idiot just walked in and his swagger disappeared as soon as he saw my smile. Poor little Clocktower thought he got rid of me. It'll take more than you being a disrespectful jackass and trying to use your Sun City police badge to intimidate people. I know cops that are higher ranking than you and your NOT sergeant stripes. I know your bosses and their bosses and they adore me. You, not so much. Oh, did I neglect to mention that I informed some higher-ups about a certain ex-Marine who brags that he abuses his power as a policeman? Well, I did. I also know he has a complaint folder that can't handle one more formal investigation. Fat Bottomed Girl's don't take intimidation lightly.

Katniss is here...thank you Jeebus. She informed me that there is a posting in the main hallway that says University of Fictitious Bird will not tolerate any discrimination against students because of gender by anyone to INCLUDE faculty. It's never been there before and me thinks it was directed at Baloo. I tried really hard to not giggle.

Baloo is starting class now (6:17pm) and is remembering the winter of 1987. I'm not sure if he's going to find a segue into criminal organizations. I hope for his sake he does. He's talking about how the city has grown and the infrastructure has not. And that is relevant because? Now he's relating a current event to the class, except it happened months ago, possibly last year even. Current must mean something differently in New York than it does in Sun City.

I just presented my current event article about the Hell's Angels suing the US government because it's foreign members are being denied visas to come to the US. They are also demanding the designation as a criminal organization be removed from the club. I am certain this is going to be the only current event article that is even remotely relevant. Peircy Paula attempted to go first and even with her computer open in front of her, couldn't find anything.

I'm starting to get a little pissed off. I was promised there would be an in-class monitor, but there isn't one. I get that the roads are terrible and he or she could just be running late, but come on. We're an hour in and no one is here. I'm recording the whole class as a precaution.

Somehow we got to talking about spyware and malware and Baloo waxed philosophical about how the government needs to employ hackers to protect us. I informed him that they do, most recently the FBI employed a huge group of hackers to hold back a virus that would have crippled thousands upon thousands of computers. He responded, "Oh yeah! I remember that!" Sure you did. He then wrote "Stuxtnet" on the board and said, "I'll give anyone who writes a one page paper on this an extra point." I informed him it's called "Stuxnet" and if he wanted it in APA-format? He laughed and said, "Of course you would do it." Yeah, you docked me my participation point last week and I want an A.

For some reason he brought up what his old boss told him that every time you pull someone over, that's a potential date. He asked Semper Fucking Idiot if he knew what that meant, and SFI said, "Well I'm a married man. Hehehe." His point was that you should treat every person you pull over well because it could be someone you want to date. He then looked at Katniss, myself, Blond Sonja, and Juarez Teenager Female (because we sit together) and said, "What? None of you females are gonna get upset about that? I mean, I guess us men are all pigs huh?" Clearly and obvious dig as we all complained about him.

Lunch came and went with little incident. I told Peircy Paula about class last week and she was shocked. She told me that she had complained to her advisor after week one because she felt like he was only picking on the females. I find it super hilarious that people lodged complaints against him BEFORE he threw me out.

He cut our lunch break short (because HE decides when break is over) and said we are going to power through the slides so we can get out of here. He's reading off of them as if this is the first time he has seen them. The second slide has two paragraphs worth of information on it. Apparently the "rule of 6" only applies to presentations given by students. Do as I say, not as I do.

He asked us if politicians are all liars. The class said yes, but I said no. He ignored me and said," So everyone thinks politicians are liars? How sad is that?" while looking straight at me. I didn't take the bait, I just kept smiling. He then asked Blond Sonja if she thought there was a difference between republicans and democrats. She said no and he then said, "Are you sick?" She said yes, but seriously? She has a box of tissues out and looks like death. She texted me, "What? Does he think I'm blowing my nose for fun?" Without seeming the least bit concerned, he said, "Well I hope you have some tissues or something because I didn't go to work today because I didn't feel well. I don't want to get sick." He then said that the whole class was in agreement with Blond Sonja that there was no difference between republicans and democrats. And again, he looked right at me. Do you know how hard it is to not bite back????!??!?!?!??!?!?!?

Deep breath. Keep calm and imagine him getting hit by a semi. We're doing a class exercise in which we have to describe a picture that was on the last slide. I nailed it and so did Katniss, while Semper Fucking Idiot tried to sound professional, you know becuase he's the subject matter expert. Baloo said that it was so funny how we all saw the same picture and all came up with different versions of the photo. Yeah, isn't it funny how we all sat in class last week and witnessed you bully me and then throw me out and yet you have a completely different version of events than the rest of us? How funny, indeed.

The next couple of slides only contained photos of Cheech and Chong and Dazed and Confuzed. Baloo rambled on about how we didn't used to have drug laws. He asked why San Fransisco passed the first drug law in the 1800's banning the smoking of opium in public dens. No one knew. I raised my hand (because I know the fucking answer) and he ignored me and said, "No one knows." Seriously. It couldn't possibly be because the Chinese smoked opium from a pipe that they passed around and the Chinese were hated in San Fran back then. Even if I didn't know that, the fucking slide said it in as much words and still, NO ONE KNEW! It makes my brain cry when I am surrounded by such incompetence.

Okay, I can't take it. The past five slides have had photos from Dazed and Confused. I wasn't aware that Wooderson was responsible for the Philippine Insurrection, but since the text is in YELLOW and we can't decipher it, we are left to believe this is true. Damn you Matthew McConaughey, it's all your fault.

I think I could write a book entitled "How to Not Teach a College Class" simply based on my observations of Baloo. Oh shit, he's switching it up! The next slide (about prohibition) has pictures of Leprechauns and Homer Simpson drinking on St. Patrick's Day. Glad we've moved on from Dazed and Confused. Wait, now we have a before and after photo of Amy Winehouse. No explanation as to why.

And I just almost threw up. He had me google Krocodil, a drug that is widely used in Russia. It was created as a substitute to heroine, which is less available there. It's 8-10 times more potent than morphine and the high burns off super fast. Because of this, people use more and while I will not post the photos here, it literally eats your flesh off. DO NOT GOOGLE KROCODIL UNLESS YOU WANT TO PUKE. Photos of tortured dead bodies and rotting corpses have zero effect on me. Even seeing dead bodies in real life didn't bother me. But photos of what Krocodil does to a person truly turned my stomach.

We just went off on a tangent about the Tigua Indian tribe and why they aren't federally recognized. Without flat out saying that they aren't because they're Mexican. The only thing Indian about them is the title they give themselves. I practiced diplomacy, however, and said that they are not federally recognized because of the genetic markers in their blood and yada yada yada. Semper Fucking Idiot scoffed and said it was really because they broke off of another tribe and were chicken shit. Um, yeah, that's why the federal government doesn't recognize them. How is it I know more about the history of this area than someone who was raised in this area?

Baloo has been shifty-eyed all night. Anytime he says something that could even remotely be taken as offensive or if his tone borders on sarcastic, he looks at me pleadingly as if to beg me not to report him again. Is it sick that I am enjoying this power I have over him? Because, well, I am. I haven't been shushed once and though he typically responds to the things I say with slight annoyance, he almost immediately says what a good point I've brought up. I don't want him to kiss my ass, but a girl could get used to this.

Surprise, surprise, our monitor never showed. I got a text from the department 2IC telling me he was delayed because of the storm that hit tonight and his assurances that he will be here next week. I get it, the storm was pretty bad. Somehow though, I didn't actually think we'd have a monitor. This is Sun City, Texas and lazy is a genetic trait of the natives. If any of you reading this are Sun City natives and are offended by that statement, it's because it's mostly true and you resemble it. Shit, that will be great for my blog views.

We got out of class pretty early. Not earlier than last week when I was THROWN OUT, but still early enough for Baloo to tell everyone it was so we could drive home safely. It wasn't even raining anymore. It must suck to be so inept at your job and so close to being fired that you second guess every decision you make. Pobrecito.

Tomorrow I am going to see 2016: Obama's America. I'm a nerd Republican like that. Depending on my mood, I may offer a review. Have a good weekend!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012 0 comments

Ain't She Sweet

For those of you who don't know, I set up a GMail address specifically for my blog ( and linked it to the mail icon over there --------------------------->.

Feel free to email me any bitches, gripes, complaints, or suggestions you may have. It's easier than leaving a comment as you do not need a blogger account. I've been compiling some reader feedback for a Fan Mail blog. Most are from people telling me they were searching for porn and came across my blog and that they think I'm funny, even without the ass photos. A few were from hardcore Bangs fans. Some even tell me how much I suck through bad spelling and grammar. Anyway, I'd love to hear your thoughts about anything you want to share with me.

Moving on.

I would like to have a contest. But not just any contest. I want to host a photo scavenger hunt. I've seen some super cute ones on other blogs, but this one will be Fat Bottomed Girl approved.

A girlfriend of mine and I used to do something similar. We had a list of things that you had to see in real life, take a photo of, and send it to the other. The other night at a friend's birthday dinner, I was reminded of this list when I spotted the one thing I was never able to find. Sitting a few tables away from us was a woman with a butterfly tattoo on her shoulder. The front of her shoulder. I won't go into detail about her weight or that the clothing she was wearing was for a younger person. You see, one of our list items was a butterfly tattoo that was NOT on the lower back or ankle.

I didn't zoom in, but it's definitely there.

The same (unnamed for dignity purposes) girlfriend informed me this photo also counts for the Hungry Hungry Hippos spot on the list. Yes, we are going to hell, but it's entertaining.

So here's the thing, I am compiling a list of things you must photograph. I think 5 things a week for 5 weeks. I'll post the list on Monday and you'll have until Friday to post them all on my Facebook page. The first to get all five things, wins for the week. At the end of the five weeks, the person who won the most weeks will win a fabulous prize.

Here's the kicker, I'm going to need proof that you saw this in real life and didn't just google a picture. So, you must post the pictures to Fat Bottomed Girl's FB page with a link to your Instragram account where the photos were originally posted. Instagram has a cool new map feature so I'll know where it was taken at. Plus, Instagram classes it up a bit, don't you think?

I'm taking suggestions for list items, should any of you have any crazy ideas. Also, the best photos will be featured each Friday. You can even create you're own caption.

What do all of you think? Fun idea? Any one have anything they'd like to see as a prize? I can tell you that what I have in mind will blow you're mind.

Follow that arrow up there ^ to email me or comment down below.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012 2 comments

Defend You

Today counts as a Time Warp since I will be discussing the events of last week. Accept this logic and just let me rant. You'll like it.

Baloo had been reported to the Ministry of Magi.....wait, sorry. That's not right. I've managed to watch every Harry Potter movie in the past week and I'm getting my stories mixed. Let me start again.

Baloo has been reported to the head of faculty at University of Fictitious Bird. My very feisty academic advisor was beyond livid when I spoke with her on Friday about the situation that happened Thursday night. She told me that while she was unable to confirm or deny that Baloo had had previous complaints, she couldn't confirm or DENY that he had previous complaints. She said it four or five times and I politely played along, though I got it the first time. Big Time Army had already told me as much. She insisted that there will be an observer in each of my next classes with Baloo to ensure my "academic safety."

From here on out (or then on out?) all grades and online feedback is being monitored by some magical grade elf who will notify his bosses should my grades suddenly decline. Not a Harry Potter reference, that's really how my advisor explained it to me. When I laughed at the "magical grade elf" comment, she said "Well, you know, one of those people who use computers." If you're reading this from a computer, you are now a magical elf. I prefer the Lord of the Rings type of elf to the Harry Potter version. You're free to choose.

I also had to convey the incident in email form to the faculty director. He's a father of daughters and a PhD in Criminal Justice, so to say that these facts shaped the email I wrote would be an accurate statement. I detailed the humiliating and traumatic experience of the second class, but set up the incident by reliving week one as well. I think you could hear my tears. I referenced Baloo's version of events that he posted into my feedback forum. His version was seriously lacking the basic elements of the night...mainly, the truth and I said how upsetting it was that he not only sought to humiliate me in front of my peers, but to tarnish my sterling academic reputation.

In Baloo's feedback he stated that I shouted at him. I acknowledged this by saying that while I might have raised my voice to be heard over Baloo's discriminatory comments that seemed never-ending, I in no way shouted. I didn't come close to exerting that kind of energy. I also said that because of my service to the United States Air Force, I have been left with documented significant hearing-loss and inner ear problems that make it difficult to hear how loud I am (not BS, really is true). I said that I in no way wanted to be treated differently because of my disability, but as Baloo was aware of this issue, to accuse me of shouting is hurtful and disrespectful. Oh, did I mention my academic advisor filed a Americans with Disabilities Act complaint against him?

To put the cherry on top, I told him about how up until that moment, I was proud to say I was a member of the University of Ficticious Bird family, but now I felt dejected and humiliated by a man who is supposed to encourage and uplift. While I am not one to question teaching methods, surely there is nothing to gain from berating and chastising students. I didn't sacrifice all those years of my life in the military for an education to be treated like I was nothing, nor did I think that the other members of the class deserve to be bullied and threatened.

Everything in the email was true. I attached Baloo's feedback and snarky, unprofessional emails to me. I gave dates and times (thank goodness for live blogging to look back on) and informed him that a recording of the first class was available to him as evidence of Baloo's treatment of me, should it go that far. My advisor doesn't think it will, though she has heard the recording (I only made it because I thought I wouldn't be able to blog) and it only helped to piss her off more.

Thursday, I will be going to class. I don't now who the monitor will be, but I have been told it will be another criminal justice faculty member. Hopefully, it will be one of the many who I am told HATE Baloo. Oh, BTW, because I am awesome and have great relationships with all the right people, I found out that Baloo has had more than one complaint about him having to due with his treatment of women in the sheriff's department. Doesn't help me with my school issue, but it does give my evil mind some leverage.

I will say now, I am not looking for a fight. I just don't see the harm in coming to class fully prepared. And really, what Texas (fat bottomed) girl wouldn't come with fully loaded guns and extra ammo?

Depending on how class goes, I might just link you to his TMI Facebook page.
Monday, August 20, 2012 3 comments

Would You Believe It?

Today, I have the honor of featuring another guest blogger! I am super excited. My friend Alison, whom I met through a mommy group, has been through a lot in the past year. She has been so candid and honest about her experience that I asked her if she could write about it as a guest blogger. Not only is she a wonderful mother, but she is also an incredible example of perseverance and faith.

Not only is she sharing a bit about her music, she's sharing her faith (Judaism) and how it helped her through the terrible loss of her sister. I hope you all enjoy.

In late May 2011, on a women's spiritual retreat I was encouraged to sing my song, “Adonai Tzuri V’Goali” As the music flowed, the group began to sing along and get excited. One of my fellow musicians, Robbi Sherwin, from the group Sababa, was recording it on her iPhone. After we were done, she sent it to Scott Leader (also from Sababa), whose response was "Who sang that and why isn't it recorded yet?"

Scott, Robbi, Larry Bach (head rabbi and incredible musician at Temple Mount Sinai) and I recorded my “baby” over the next two weeks and entered it in the New Voices young songwriter competition sponsored by NewCAJE. Imagine my surprise when an email arrived saying “YOU WON!”

Not only had it won but it was now included on a CD with nine other new up-and-coming talents. The email also included an invitation to perform in-person at the NewCAJE conference in North Carolina in August, 2011.

At the conference, after a performance of a new art form made up of live music and improvisational story-telling, the six performers decided to jump into unknown waters and we founded an artists' collective called NuRootz. I discovered my inner musician and began writing more songs on the plane home from the conference; enough for an album!

With new-found confidence and excitement, I began planning an album and a brand-new career. That's when tragedy struck my family. My sister, Lauren, committed suicide.

Lauren struggled with mental illness for years but I didn't know how difficult her struggle was. Laying there in the hospital, on life support, my parents and I struggled to sing Debbie Friedman’s "Mi Shebeirach." I sang her my song - the one that seemed to wake everyone up at the conference - praying that it would do the same for Lauren.

It wasn’t to be. After five days, we learned that she would never wake again and we decided to let her rest. She’s buried in Rhode Island among our family she loved so much.

Ever since then, as I've been putting the pieces of my life back together, I have found that music is helping me heal in so many ways. Healing starts when I write it down. It continues as I sing it to someone, and the greatest gift is when even one person says, "Your words helped me heal, too."

For a year, I’ve been fumbling through the grief and pain and sadness that her loss shook loose.  I’ve been following the traditional Jewish path of mourning, a week of shiva followed by a month of saying the Mourner’s prayer, followed by a year of less-intense mourning.  After 11 months, my sister’s tombstone was unveiled (in early August 2012) and on September 8, I’ll observe the first yarhzeit, or yearly commemoration of her death.  This involves lighting a special candle that will burn for 24 hours in her memory and going to synagogue to say the Mourner’s prayer.  After that, I’m only obligated to say the prayer at designated times throughout the year, on festivals and yearly on her yahrzeit for the rest of my life.

What I find most troubling are all the questions left behind for those of us still alive – why?  Couldn’t we have done more?  Hadn’t we done enough?  Why wasn’t I a better sister?  More intuitive?  But those are questions that lead down a dark path, and I’ve decided to leave them alone for a while.  Maybe I’ll be strong enough to face them someday, but that day isn’t today.

So now I have a CD.  The music I recorded has so much of my sister’s life embedded within, so much of her spirit and warmth, I had to name the album for her.  She is our Dragonfly – in Hebrew, Shapirit.  Every time I see one, it brings me peace.  I hope my music can bring you peace as well.

Thursday, August 16, 2012 1 comments

Give Peace a Chance

I had an interesting and needed conversation with Big Time Army today. I emailed him about Baloo and the torture I endured. I wasn't as descriptive in my email as in my blog, but I didn't sugar coat anything. BTA responded quickly and in an efficient form. He said "What course are you taking? When is your next class?" I answered both questions and got another immediate response. He said "What is a number I can reach you at?" Within a few seconds of my response, my phone rang.

Me: Hello?
BTA: When I told you that you could call me for help, I didn't really mean it.
Me: Well, you know me, I live to annoy you.
BTA: And apparently this new guy too.
Me: Okay, come at me. What do I do?
BTA: Well, first, because I just have to know, what is his name?
Me: Baloo. Tall, probably taller than you. Looks kind of like....
BTA: Kind of like the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond.
Me: That's the guy.
BTA: YEah, I don't remember liking him, much, or at all.
Me: This doesn't surprise me.
BTA: Okay, here's what we do. I will have a conversation with our department chair and you, well I don't want to tell you to shut up and color...but...
Me: But shit up and color.
BTA: Just don't engage. It sounds like he wants a fight, so don't give it to him. Trust me, I'll take care of it.

There was more, but I'll skip ahead to tonight. He handled it alright. Our department chair came to visit class and also The Warden (a previous instructor and department 2IC) has been with us since class started. I guess it pays to have good relationships with instructors who don't suck. The Warden loves me. He gave me a hug when he came in and said "I'm here." "To save the day?" I replied. He just smiled and winked. Baloo is going down.

He's already gone at me. I chose a case for my current event presentation that was sure to draw his ire. I chose to talk about the lawsuit filed by one Janet Jenkins of Vermont. Janet was married to Lisa Miller and they had a child together. One day, Lisa decided she wasn't gay and kidnapped the child and fled to Vermont, the to Canada, and eventually Nicaragua. A church that is part of Jerry Falwell's organization helped make this happen. There are warrants out for Lisa's arrest but we don't have an extradition treaty with Nicaragua. So Janet has filed a RICO lawsuit against the church, Lisa, the law school that funds the church, the pastor, and a few others demanding the return of the child and actual and punitive damages. It's genius. Bankrupt the fuck out of them so they give up Lisa. I explained that this is perhaps the first time RICO has been used against a religious organization. He held in his contempt for it because of The Warden, but brought up some ridiculous 1st Amendment argument. The 1st Amendment doesn't protect kidnappers.

He then powered through the first couple of slides of the PP in the same fashion as last week. He started with Semper Fucking Idiot reading and would cut him off, then the next person and the next person. He would nervously laugh and glance at The Warden who looked none too pleased.

During lunch I showed Katniss a paper that I agreed to proofread for Juarez Teenager Female. JTF texted me last night and asked if I could proofread her paper because Baloo left feedback on her last paper (that she got 9/10 on) that she needed "fresh eyes" on it. Who's fresher than me? It was awful. No references, horrible spelling, atrocious grammar...honestly, the worst paper I have ever seen. I lit it the fuck up with corrections. It was red from top to bottom. She thanked me and said "No one has every had a problems with it before, so I just lefts it."

I've been relatively quite for most of the night. More than a few times Baloo has said "Tiffany, you're always so vocal and opinionated, what do you think?" followed by his lecherous laugh. And every time, I politely respond through a forced smile. I will not engage. I will not engage. I want to engage so fucking bad. Semper Fucking Idiot is certainly filling the void my silence has left. Not well, but he's giddily trying to answer everything and stares me down after each outburst. He doesn't get shushed or mocked. Maybe I need a dick and a baby Gap T-shirt.

We've been listening to Baloo ramble on about how much better the Bronx is than Sun City. He talked about how Sun City only has Mexican food restaurants and mariachi bands. Somehow this is crucial information to a course on criminal organizations. He randomly asks "Are people inherently good or inherently evil?" This caused Doppelganger Housewife to say that they're good because her kids never lied to her. I stated that you have to teach children right from wrong, you have to teach them to not lie and that that would imply that they are inherently evil but can be taught goodness. For once, I was not shushed by Baloo...oh wait, yes I was. He started talking to Semper Fucking Idiot instead of letting me finish.

Then, it happened. I got kicked out of class. No lie. I got thrown out. Here's what went down.

Katniss answered a question that Baloo answered. He completely ignored her speaking and started up with Semper Fucking Idiot. Semper Fucking Idiot says "Well she's dancing around the question so I'll just say it." Katniss tells me "But I didn't dance around it, that's the answer I gave first." Again, Semper Fucking Idiot says she danced around it, that everyone was and puts his hand up and shushes us and says "Whatever."

I said "Excuse me, but you don't get to interrupt and be dismissive. She was talking and YOU interrupted her. She said the answer and you're trying to say that..." I was cut off by Baloo. He said "That's not what happened." I said, "Yes, that is what happened. You do it too. He can interrupt whomever he wants but when it's our turn we get told to be quiet." Baloo said "Don't take offense for someone else." I said, "I'm not taking offense for anyone else. I'm taking offense for me. You were both disrespectful to me and last week too. I pay the same amount as everyone else to go here. I'm not going to talk to me that way."

That did it. He said "Well if you're not going to calm down and stop being hysterical, you can leave," then paused and said "Get out. Leave. Now!"

I calmly gathered my things and left. Now I burst into tears the second I left the building. When I'm angry, I cry. I think what really bothered me was the evil smile he had on his face when he said it. Like "Hahaha I won." I went over to the resource center (thank goodness it was open) and after crying for what seemed like ever at the front desk, I was finally able to tell the guy what happened. He and the other employee gave me a few "It's okay mija's" and "Ay, what a dick" and then told me who I needed to call. One of them even sent an email to the head faculty member telling him a synopsis and that I would be contacting him tomorrow. I left a message for my advisor, emailed Big Time Army, blew my nose and drove home.

I'm embarrassed that I cried and that someone saw it. But I'm more embarrassed by the way I was treated. He went out of his way to humiliate me, and not just tonight. The only time I remember feeling this low was after last week's class. Okay, tonight is lower. This fat, pompous waste of my tax-payer's dollars (who makes less money than I pay to go there) intentionally belittled and picked at me until I was forced to stand up for myself.

Katniss said he told the class that they would probably have to give a statement about what happened and that they should just be honest and tell them what happened...and then followed that up with his version of events. Katniss called him out on it but she didn't get the boot. She said that he actually tried to teach about the course after that and said the only reason he threw me out is because he knew I wouldn't be able to calm down after that and I wouldn't be able to contribute to the class. Um, I'm not allowed to contribute as it is. He can cover his ass all he wants, it doesn't negate the fact that he said and did what he said and did.

That's all I got tonight. I'm drained. My eyes are puffy. My head is pounding. I need some sleep, so I can be well rested and alert when I go to the campus to file a complaint. I'll fill you all in tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012 1 comments


What in the World?! Wednesday is henceforth dedicated to my new online class through University of Fictitious Bird, at least for the next five weeks. I mean, if I provide you with an in-depth look at my Thursday night escapades, why not do the same with my online classmates? Surely, they can't possibly be as bad as those in Sun City, right? I mean, these are people from all over the country, there is no way they could be as ignorant and incompetent as my ground campus colleagues. Wrong. So wrong.

Let me preface this by explaining the course. I apparently need a humanities credit and my advisor eagerly suggested Intro to Film. She said it was super fun and easy and I would just love all the interesting people I would meet online. All I think was, "Yay, more blog material!" Remind me to send her a fruit basket as a thank you.

It started with Steve, my instructor. He posted a detailed vitae about his work in the "lucrative baseball card industry" where he worked as a head of something or other for a "big name card manufacturer. The one that just popped into your head, yeah, that's the one." Nothing popped into my head so apparently he was unemployed. He lives in or near Berkley and from his use of Comic Sans for EVERYTHING, I am fairly sure he has a graying ponytail and wears a Fanny Pack. He was very proud that he teaches an extensive California Notary class and according to him he is "basically responsible for every document that is notarized in the state of California." Go him? He was a writer for the New York Post before all of this and conducted "numerous lucrative interviews with sports greats like Joe DiMaggio, Ted Williams and Mickey Mantle." However, when one of my classmates asked him a question about Joe, he said he didn't know that much about his stats. What? They weren't printed on the back of those lucrative baseball cards? As much as the man throws around the word lucrative, you'd think he was a Jew, but no. Just a guy who has taught at University of Fictitious Bird since I graduated high school. Oh, and for a man with is BA in English and his Masters in English Literature, he has terrible spelling and grammar.

As soon as the intros by each class member started to roll-in, I realized that they were no better than my bunch of genius' on ground. From the retired military guys who cannot spell military to the housewives who wrote paragraph upon paragraph about their latest recipes and knitting projects, I decided to keep mine short and sweet. I said "My name is Tiffany. I am a USAF veteran. I am a wife and mother to a 4-year-old. I am majoring in Criminal Justice and hope to work in federal law enforcement upon graduation." Bam. Easy peasy. But something about my lack of detail prompted another USAF fellow to reply.

Patrick, a former BMT instructor currently stationed in South Dakota, felt the need to grill me about what I did in the AF. I replied that I was 3P0X1 just to annoy him and he replied, "I don't know what that is." I wasn't sure why I had to explain what my AFSC (MOS for Army...basically job) was to a man who wrote in detail about how he shaped the future of the Air Force and we should all be grateful that he kept the bad ones out. I didn't reply and went about searching for other posts to respond to (because it's required...lame).

Later, I answered one of the instructor's discussion questions and Patrick responded with, "So you were a cop? You could have just said cop." People should really learn to respond to the appropriate thread. I sweetly replied that I wasn't sure what that had to do with my choice of Crash as one of my favorite movies and that any questions he had about my military experience could be posted in the Chat Forum and not in the one we were in. Steve replied that I was very diplomatic along with having excellent taste in films. Patrick must have become enraged because he proceeded to pick a fight with me on every post I commented on.

When I commented on another student's post about the movie Training Day and how I thought it was an excellent example of how easy it is to become corrupt when you are surrounded by the dredges of society, he replied, "And you know this because you were an AF cop?" Maybe I arrested this guy. Maybe I gave him a ticket. Maybe he's just pissed that he isn't the lone AF vet and I'm already the teacher's pet. Whatever it is, this shit needed to stop. Before I could reply, Steve asked us if we thought movies could teach a lesson. Realizing that this was my opportunity to meet my required daily instructor responses, I ignored Patrick and answered the question.

Me: I think most movies can teach a lesson, but all too often the viewer misses it because they're caught up in what they saw and heard and not what was implied. Unless the lesson is layed out in a Morgan Freeman voice over, people skip right over it. (Funny right? I know)

Patrick: Sure, movies can teach lesson. I have two children and the majority of the movies they watch contain some type of morall or lesson. The film Shrek comes to mind. It contained lesson (to me anyway) teaching to look past what you see on the sirface, that it is what is inside someone that counts. ("Ogers are like onions, they have layers") I think in most flims, you can pick out lessons of integrity, and self sacifice, especially flims aimed toward children. (This is a direct copy and paste)

Me: Okay, not counting children/family movies, do you think movies made for adults have as clear of a message?

Patrick: I think we can both agree that, yes, even flims geared toward adults contain a clear life lesson or massage. Forest Gump was full of them ("Life is like a box of chocolates"). I used children's flims as an example because their message is usually very prominent. (Direct copy and paste)

Me: Sure, Forrest Gump offered it up easily. But films don't just have one message and if they do, I find them to be a bit one dimensional. I prefer to look for the hidden meaning/lesson that lies underneath the movie poster tagline. Forrest Gump was about so much more than expecting the unexpected a la "Life is like a box of chocolates..." and I personally didn't feel like that was the message Winston Groom (the writer of the novel which is fantastic) was trying to portray. At least not primarily and I don't think that director Robert Zemeckis wanted to portray that either.

Patrick: John Travolta played a man that was simpel and slow but had a open heart. He went on wild adventures and changed peoples lives. (Direct copy and paste)

Me: What movie are we talking about? Because John Travolta wasn't in Forrest Gump, Tom Hanks was in it as the title character.

Patrick: No, it was John Travolta. And it was directed by Steven Speilberg. (Direct copy and paste)

Me: There's a website called IMDB and they have all the information about films. Maybe you should go on there. I can assure you, Tom Hanks played Forrest and Robert Zemeckis directed it. 

Patrick: I don't need to look it up or google it. I know I am riht. (Direct copy and paste)

Everything I wrote is what I said as well and is a direct copy and paste, I just felt the need to let you know, that IS his spelling and grammar. Drill Sgt just couldn't stand being wrong. Steve and the original poster both commented and said he was incorrect but he posted "I don't have time to argue, I'm at work" and we haven't heard from him since. I wish I had a job in the AF where I could do my schoolwork. I know cops that got LOR's for having that shit on post. I think this guy is going to have a full meltdown by the time this class is done. I should ask him to be in my learning team, he'd probably throw his computer against a wall.

There are some other gems in the class, but I have a paper to write for my other one, so you'll get more next Wednesday. Or Wensday as Steve posted in the title for today's discussion question.