Tuesday, June 28, 2011 0 comments

Ring The Alarm

Let me just say, there is no difference between 105 and 110 degrees. None. So when my Weather Channel app says it is 110 degrees but it feels like 105, it's full of shit. Especially when I have to walk from the farthest parking spot from the gym door. HAd people learned how to park correctly, it wouldn't have been the only parking spot that wouldn't put my car doors at risk.

Anyway, get to the gym at 1420 ish. Do a quick run in place, stretch it out and then hit the treadmil runnin'. Okay, not even cloise to running. But I did do a level 15 incline on 3 speed for 15 min straight. No biggie. I'm just that good. Next came 15 min on Mt. Kilaminjaro on level 10 resistance on the bike. 15 min powering through the eliptical and then a 15 min cool down on the treadmil. Nothing crazy. My legs still are a bit sore from yesterday.

Here's the important part: fattest man I have ever seen at a gym harassing this elderly couple. He kept waddling back and forth while they used the sit down bikes (the ones with the actual chair) and asking gruffly if they were almost done. Then he would grunt and pant off when they politely say "nope, not yet". Fucking priceless. I think his exercise was merely the five feet he ws pacing. Worst part, he got on the bike during my cool down and was directly in my line of sight, distracting me from The Kardashians playing on the TV. Even my skullcandy's couldn't block out the noises. That poor little chair on that poor little bike. His girth swallowed it. I felt like I was watching the biggest loser in real life, except he barely peddled and was trying to play some game with his fat fingers on his little phone.

Where was the Planet Fitness Lunk Alarm when I needed it? Granted, this guy wasn't a meathead trying to show off in the mirror, but he clearly was a lunk. And I know it's a "judgement free environment" and normally I would say "Wow, good for him! If he can do it, so can I" but this guy was just such a fuckwad. If I see him in there again, I'm going straight for the bike he likes. Count on it.
Monday, June 27, 2011 5 comments

Be True To Your School

1805 hrs (6:05 pm for you civvies) and class has not started. Five people aren't here....not a shocker, it's the same ones who are always late. My instructor keeps giving me nervous glances since I have already called him out on his perpetual inability to start class on time.

He just started, 1806 hrs. Also just referenced that papers must be posted by 1159 pm tonight in accordance with class policies. Yeah, that was my doing. Fucker tried to mark my paper as late and gave me half credit until I informed him that it was not late in accordance with his policy letter. Two weeks later, I have full credit and I have made him my bitch.

He's now explaining to the class that next week's presentation needs to be done at a college level. What the shit? If you have to explain that to them, maybe they shouldn't be in college. Oh how cute, he thinks I am diligently taking notes. Nope, just trying to stay awake.

Dear God, he is giving out performance awards for the 2nd week paper. Lame, I know. And I already know it was going to be mine. 10/10 on my paper, yeah, no one was going to beat that. Very few people in my class can even spell correctly with spell check, let alone put together an essay. He put in my notes that I had the best paper in the class, yet again. Really? Is that why you tried to give me half credit the first time?

Ooh, he gave me a mini-Hershey bar. Guess I can pretend to listen for the next hour.....

1834 hrs: I must inform you that African Army just got schooled by instructor. For those of you who do not know African Army, he is ACTUALLY an African but joined the US Army for citizenship. He is a racist, a homophobe, an anti-Semite and very anti-Law enforcement, yet is studying criminal justice. He tries to argue with everything I say and one I have reduced his opinion to the poop that it is, typically says something hateful under his breath. I really just LOL'ed when he was told just how wrong he is.

1845 hrs: Mrs. Wannabe Officer (a school security guard who never shuts up...ever) randomly says "Oh the picture was in black and white on our print out but now I get what you mean by see the whole picture because we can see it in the PowerPoint." No bitch, that's not at all what he meant.

1851: Couldn't make it to 1900 hrs. Former Team Member Stinky keeps staring at me. He does this every class. So fucking creepy. Like, dude, we kicked you out of the group for a reason. You're lazy, stupid, and creepy. Quit trying to read my computer screen. Better yet, read it. YOU FUCKING SMELL LIKE YOU BATHED IN SHIT. Oh, didn't see that? Gonna keep staring hard at my screen, if only I could magnify this shit for you. Wait, I can. Just zoomed in. Maybe he will get the fucking hint.

SN: Why is he so obsessed with Nazi's? He references them at least twice every lecture. Right now he's sharing his research on the Gestapo in Germany.

1902 hrs: FTM Stinky is doing the hungry chicken trying to stay awake. So tempted to drop my binder in front of him or bump the shit out of his chair. No wonder you're failing. Tool.

1922 hrs: He just woke up by face planting on the table. Classic. I not only laughed, I pointed and laughed. Hard. Not the best idea, I have to pee really bad. Oh thank god, break time.

1745 hrs: Line at Subway was out the door and down the block so we walked to the corner store...it's 103 still. Bad idea. And I didn't buy more water. Shit. Back in class to find YouTube up on the projector with a video about Nazi Germany cued up. This shit is gettin' super weird. I mean, he strongly condemns them, but there is a slight air of admiration for how efficiently they ran their government. The video has "Mad World" by Tears For Fears playing in the background. Great, I want to see emaciated Jews and Hitler when I hear this song next time.

2003 hrs: Mrs. Wannabe Officer is speaking again. Thanks bitch, we really wanted to know that you thought parole and probation was illegal. Seriously.

2015 hrs: Instructor USA just said "One int he hand is worth two in the bush". Apparently I am the only one who saw that Geico commercial and I LOL'ed.

2024 hrs: Sunflower seeds were a bad idea. My mouth is raw. Totally can't enjoy my Monster now. Tastes like salt, but not in a good way.

2037 hrs: Every time Mrs. Wannabe Officer asks an irrelevant question, I am tempted to heckle. She asked about the 5th amendment. She asked if you can get around it. I know Instructor USA wants to strangle her, you can see it in his eyes. He used to assume she was joking, quickly realized she is serious and does not know the answer and begrudgingly explains each answer. Then she asked if Casey Anthony got around the 5th amendment. Oh, the things I want to say to her. Sadly, very few of them have anything to do with her intelligence.

2103 hrs: We are done for the night. Does Instructor USA release us early? Nope. We are watching a scene from Liar, Liar. Great movie. Gotta love that Jim Carey. Would I choose to sit here and watch it instead of going home? No. I was not aware that we pay so much to watch a movie. I already pay for Netflix. I can watch it there. At my home. With my family. Or not watch it. We aren't just watching the final courtroom scene, Instructor USA is giving us a play by play narrative. Because Jim Carey movies are that complex. This isn't Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, it's fucking Liar, Liar....not that deep.

2110 hrs: Clearly, Reese Witherspoon's epiphany in Legally Blonde was stolen from Jim Carey's in Liar Liar. Clearly. I have less appreciation for Elle Woods' perm revelation now. "That fact that my client has been ridden more than Seatle Sleugh is irrelevant".

2113 hrs: I think he may dismiss us soon. Yay!

Sorry about my non-fitness related rant. Hope you think no less of me than you did already.

Hot Legs

At least I hope they will be. Took a break yesterday from P90x and started day 5 today. Legs and back. Shockingly, it didn't hurt as bad as I had mentally prepared myself for. Like, I feel good. I say this now. I'm sure in a few hours when I am sitting in class trying not to kill myself or the ignorant "students", I'll be feeling it. Maybe the pain will be a motivator to stay awake.

Have a good week ahead of me. Class tonight...okay, not a good start. But Tuesday is Day 6 then some gym time for abs and then a nice cool down swim....then some one on one with Hubby. Wednesday, an early morning Day 7 workout, trip to the Books Are Gems store with the Mommies, then maybe a swim and a three mile walk. Thursday....I don't know actually. I think I mapped that out for my class presentation I have to put together and of course Day 8. Day 9 on Friday and a movie with the bug. Saturday is Day 10 and some swimming, then Sunday rest day!

Realistically, nothing will go as planned and I will be pulling my hair out by 2300 hrs tonight, but fingers crossed!
Thursday, June 23, 2011 2 comments

Burn It To The Ground

Oh the pain of lunges and squats! I curse the day you born P90x man. I think you need to be punched in the face, but something tells me you would keep smiling and say something motivational. It also really blows that todays workout had a guy with a prostetic leg. Like, he has a fake leg and he can do it. What kinda of vag would I be if I didn't finish?

Apparently, Mom and Hubby had already did Day 1 yesterday, so we did Day 2 today. Plyometrics. I'm sure it's some made up name that translated litterally means shitting horse or something, but it was hard as hell. I barely, and I do mean barely, finished. Had a nice swim in the pool in the afternoon though and now the ol' legs aren't burning as bad.

Arms and shoulders tomorrow. Woo hoo. Let's just hope that my little one doesn't want to be carried at all.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011 2 comments

The New Workout Plan

Supposed to go on my weekly three mile walk with the ladies of my mommy group tonight. Yeah, that didn't happen. Got there at 1915, waited until 1920, realized that the two ladies who might show have kids that would not fair well in 103 degree heat and took my ass to the gym. I relly need to remember to get people's phone numbers.

So, I get to the gym and walked 1.5 miles in 17:04. Felt pretty good, except that I might as well have been running. Trying to keep that fast of a walking pace was quite comical, I'm sure someone was getting a good chuckle out of it besides me. SN (Side Note): Watched The Voice on NBC while walking. Pretty good show.

Started up on the bike after that, then realized that tomorrow is Day 1 of P90X with my mom and husband (like he needs it...pfft). Doing the Day 1 workout, then going to the gym, hitting the tanning bed, then probably a swim in the afternoon. Hubby is more of our personal fitness coach than a fellow participant in this weight loss journey. Stupid abs of steel and edurance for days, one day I too will be able to look at myself in the mirror and say "Nice."
Thursday, June 16, 2011 1 comments

Just Dance

I think the secret to being less fat is dancing with your 3 year old daughter. Or maybe it's the ab-working belly laughs when she is singing "Run The World" by Beyonce. Apparently, she runs this mutha.

Seriously, I had to have burned a couple hundred calories in the past 30 minuets. Which is good...because I really didn't do anything else today except get Ella's 4th of July pics done and eat the most amazing Seared Ahi Tuna Sandwich at Crave.

I'll do better tomorrow. I think I'll go to the gym by myself and destroy the eliptical and do some core exercises. As Ella likes to say "I go hard in the paint".
Wednesday, June 15, 2011 0 comments


So I changed my mind....as us women have been known to do. While I will continue to rant whenever necessary, I think (for now) I am going to primarily use this to focus on my fitness (or lack there of). I'm fat. It's unhealthy and unsightly and I want to wear summer shorts and that isn't going to happen with these thighs.

Went for a 3 mile walk with some of the ladies in my mommy group tonight. Made it in right at an hour. I think we're going to try and do it once a week, but that means I have to get my ass in gear during the seven days in between. There is no logical reason why someone who has more kids than me should be in better shape....except that I am lazy and unmotivated.

Begin the Begin

So I started a blog. Yes, I do think I am important enought that people will flock to it in droves, just to read my brilliant musings and refreshing observations on society.

Okay seriously, I have been wanting to blog for a while now. I have no idea if it will have a theme or simply serve as a place where I can bitch about all the things going on in my day to day that might offend everyone on FB but I need to get out. Time will tell.