Thursday, December 22, 2011 2 comments

It's All Coming Back to Me Now

I know, I know, everyone missed me so much last week. Fine, you missed the blog. Same difference. But you missed the blog because I missed class. I went on a road trip to Wichita Falls, Texas to pick up my baby sister from Sheppard AFB. She finished her training and got orders to her first base! And while I am so very proud of her, I am super bummed I missed class. Not because I was docked 8 points for not attending, but because I was pretty sure it would be an eventful night. The presentations were on different theories in criminology and when Mr. Deputy explained what group would be presenting on what, they all looked confused and terrified.

But on to tonight. Tonight, tonight, we only have tonight....for individual presentations. Before we began, Mr. Deputy asked me where I was last week. I told him that I had to go pick up the baby sis from her base in Wichita Falls. Eduardo Scissor Hands told me that Wichita is in Kansas. It was just the opportunity I needed. I replied "No, Wichita Falls, Texas. At Sheppard AFB. As in the United States Air Force. Something you could never join due to your tricky immigration status." He scoffed and said "No it's cause I have a visa for school". Without missing a beat I replied "Well that visa won't get you in the DEA. Don't worry though, University of Mythological Bird has no problem taking your money though." He had no words. Neither did Mr. Deputy who was laughing so hard I definitely saw a tear.

I just watched Fat Alberto give a presentation on the history of organized crime in the US. He told us the plot of The Godfather Part II. Not exaggerating. "The mafias are like family you know, but like even though the guys aren't really blood in real life." He then did his best Scarface impression, which of course caused me to choke on my coffee and after I stopped gasping for air informed him that he was mixing two different movies. He said "No it's cause The Godfather is a sequal to the Tony Montana movie." I replied with all seriousness that someone should make that a box set and he said "I know! I would buy it."

The cinephile was followed by two presentations on drug abuse. One was supposed to be about drug trafficking, but no, they were both on drug abuse. apparently, a sign of drug abuse is when a person does too much drugs. That's all I took from it....well, that and that Mr. Deputy was a huge pothead once upon a time. He practically salivated at the photo of a bong. I did too, but that isn't the point. Fucking potheads.

Okay, word of the night alert! Hairyachie. Apparently it means the same as hierarchy, but it's spelled and pronounced Hairyachie. I interuppted Eduardo Scissor Hands to ask for a definition of Hairyachie and either he knew I was mocking him or just didn't know, but he told me to get a dictionary. I informed him that I did indeed look up the word Hairyachie and that it said "did you mean hierarchy?" to which he informed me I was saying it wrong. Guess my English speaking no longer makes me righter and smarter.

He keeps talking about Al Capone now. Apparently Al Capone has had "Lots of filmographies made about him, like lots." He violated lots of Ricko statutes as well. I couldn't resist and asked if he meant RICO and he wouldn't answer me. But I did learn that Ricko's smuggle stuff. Nothing specific, just stuff.

The Juarez Teenager female is up now covering "white color crime" and it's links to terrorism. I told her that I was offended. She didn't get it (of course) and said they call it that because the rich people commits the crimes of white color. If terrorists didn't committ white color crime, they would have to rob banks and use drugs. She slurred her way through an explanation of the show "White Color" on "Los Usas Channels" and then abruptly asked us if we had any questions. I was so dumbfounded by the lack of a complete presentation (4 slides, no conclusion and no references) that Mr. Deputy beat me to the punch. He sighed loudly and said "None that you could ever answer."

I followed her. I was given the topic of prostitution. I choose to believe my classmates when they told me it was because none of them chose it and I wasn't there to pick. If I don't believe that, then I have to assume it's because Mr. Deputy thinks I know the subject well. Anyway, it was pretty funny. Aside from me blushing and Joe Cool calling me out for it. I had pictures of the trashiest whores I could find, I mean bitches you would find in the lowliest, most ghetto places immaginable. I'm pretty sure one woman had herpes of the face and crotch but it was all over her body. I had a picture of Weigel and Johnson as hookers from Reno 911 but Joe Cool and Mr. Deputy were the only ones who knew what it was from and probably the only ones who can afford cable. I went in to elicit detail about the types of prostitues and the venues where they perform their services. Juarez Teenager Female was actually the only one who didn't look uncomfortable, maybe shes been on the corner so long that she's used to it. I finished it up with the pros and cons of the legalization of prostitution and used a video of Lt. Dangel and Deputy Jr (also of Reno 911 notariety) informing a legal brothel owner that half of her business was now located in another county that does not allow prostitution. It was hilarious, but I'm sure it would have gotten more laughs in Spanish.

As soon as I was finished, Mr. Deputy informed us he had a "sort of emergency" and we had to end class early. He asked us if anyone objected to leaving early. I almost told him that my blog would suffer greatly if we ended class early but he looked pretty worried so I let it go. Eduardo Scissor Hands told us all Merry Christmas and I said "Well, Happy Chanukah!" He said "But I'm not Jewish" to which I said "Well did you ever think that not everyone is a Christian? That is so offensive. Whatever, Merry Kwanza." His eyes were bewildered and manic as he practically shrieked "I'm not black!" and I informed him that he was such a racist.

The Hubby picked me up from school and took me to Peter Piper Pizza where I discovered a drunk baby sister, a smashed Momma, and a Little Bug who was demanding other kids' tickets. Booze really shouldn't be served to my family around minority children as they kept imitating the whiney hispanic accents of the children that would walk by with pizza and various other ick covering their faces.

I want to say their faking it...sadly, they aren't.

My best impression of the hair on every hispanic females face within a 10 booth radius.

Damn her and her dark hair, she mastered it.

Little Bug thought it was funny face time.

Don't let that slice fool you, she really is a pizza face.

By our powers combined, we are....not appropriate in a children's resturant and probably should have been thrown out.

We ended up with four tiny ass rings, a velcro princess dart board that doesn't velcro, a pink frog and a green frog and two sparkle bracelets. It probably cost less than five dollars to buy all that crap and we spent God knows how much on tokens. All in all it was a good night. I don't have class next week due to the holiday break, but depending on how drunk my family gets on Christmas and New Year's Eve, I may give you a blog or two. Happy Chanukah, Merry Kwanza and I guess you can have a Merry Christmas too. 
Friday, December 9, 2011 1 comments

Things I'll Never Say

Receptionists. Not receptionist, receptionists. Edna Townsley was a receptionists. That statement wasn't just said out loud, that's how it was written in a Power Point presentation for all to see. Like, for a grade. Also, Charles Whitman, the UT sniper, was "killings the people because he had a tummer in his heads". I tried to take a picture of the screen, but between me trying to hide the laughter that convulsed my body and the little flap that covers my phone camera, I was unable to stealthily accomplish this.

We had to do presentations on Biological Criminal Behavior. The syllabus listed a few famous cases, such as Andrea Yates, Charles Whitman, and John Hinckley Jr. We were supposed to explain their cases and how a biological disorder affected them. Didn't have to be any of the above, those were just examples. The descriptions on the syllabus are pretty complete, so our instructor encouraged us to use OTHER examples.

I chose Dan White, the murderer of San Francisco Mayor Moscone and Supervisor Milk. His diminished capacity plea/Twinkie defense was pretty famous and there is doubt that he was actually suffering from any biological disorder. I thought the case was a nice representation of what could be proven and what was speculated in the criminal justice system and also, a perfect example of the difference between psychological theories and choice theories. If you didn't understand any of that, just know it was brilliant. Unfortunately, my team member, Joe Cool, thought it was fiction because "they made a movie about it" and the rest of the class asked if the movie was about "gay dudes and butt sex". Seriously, once the words "Homosexual" and "gay rights" left my lips, I knew I had lost them.

Mr. Deputy liked it. He informed the class that this was what he was ACTUALLY looking for in a presentation, to which one of the Juarez Teenagers (the girl) said "But ours was on a real person." Mr. Deputy actually held his head in his hands and shook it slowly with shame.

The first group did their presentation on Andrea Yates. Except pronounced with a rolling "r" and said "Aun" instead of "An". Also, "if Andrea would have just stopped having babies, she wouldn't have killed the babies." It wasn't just post-partum depression and schizophrenia, it was because she just kept having babies, therefore it was her fault that they "dies and stuff". Yes, all of that was written, but also read, word for horrifying word.

The Juarez Teenagers went next. Their presentation was like reading a wikipedia page, sort of informative, yet full of incorrect "facts". They were the ones who did Charles Whitman. The girl's accent is unbearably thick and she slurs her words together like one of those light-weight drunk girls at every high-school party that has ever existed. It was almost impossible to not correct everything that came out of her mouth. Actually, when she said that the shooting happened at UTEP, not UT Austin, I was in too much shock to correct her. I just nodded and sarcastically said "Yep, that is 100% correct." Mr. Deputy actually LOL'd and Fat Alberto, who sarcasm eludes, said "Nooo, it's cause I think it happened in Texas, but like, at Austin school." Mr. Deputy then said "Oh yeah, that's right, Austin High School here in El Paso." Unable to comprehend the sarcasm yet again, and giving in to his compulsive need to get the last word, Fat Alberto says "Nooooo, like the Longhorns, pinche UT." I just sighed and shared an internal LOL with Mr. Deputy when we saw the looks on each other's faces. I guess if I have to have an inside joke with anyone, it has to be him because everyone else IS the joke.

So after the presentations, we had to discuss the basis for the Classical School of behavior in humans. Each team was given a statement and had to decide if they agreed with it or not and why. Fat Alberto's team was given some pretty complex statements and after they said why or why not they agreed, Mr. Deputy asked what the rest of us thought. One statement was that  "Human beings are fundamentally rational, and most human behavior is the result of free will coupled with rational choice." We all pretty much agreed that this was a true statement, except Eduardo Scissor Hands. He's one of the Juarez Teenagers that wants to be a DEA agent despite his little citizenship issue. He described himself once to the girl Juarez Teenager as a "Mexican Johnny Depp but with more style." Apparently, more style means a slightly Beiber haircut, fingerless gloves and skinny jeans. Anyway, he stated that people who have mental illness can;t be rational and rational people don't commit crimes so the statement can't be true. I pointed out that the statement is saying MOST and not all, and that just because a person commits a crime, it doesn't mean they aren't rational. He then proceeded to talk himself into a corner and I verbally annihilated every defense missile he shot out. 

Wait, this isn't war, it's a good ol' fashioned debate. I live for this shit. Intelligent...well, a one-sided intelligent debate about an interesting topic....but that's not what this one was. Eduardo Scissor Hands behaved as if I had called his dear Abuelita a whore and accused his sister of aborting the Pope's baby. It was almost as if me having the nerve to disagree with him wounded his pride and he had to avenge it. He looked physically hurt and enraged at the same time and I just kept smiling and countering his poorly thought out talking points. Mr. Deputy kept siding with me, which of course didn't calm him down and he called me a hypocrite when I had the nerve to disagree with his belief that punishment is an absolute deterrent to crime. I told him that if punishment was REALLY a deterrent, police officers would not have jobs. No one would commit a crime because the punishment of others would have made everyone in the world not want to repeat that action. Does punishment deter SOME people? Yes, but not all. He told me I was a "Contraption" and when I asked if he meant I was contradicting myself, he said I was "contrapting" myself. Mr. Deputy went on to add that there is no way to say without a doubt making examples of others is a deterrent because we don't document the crimes that DON'T happen, just the ones that do, but Eduardo Scissor Hands wasn't having it. He informed me that "People who speak English think they're always righter and smarter". What. The. Fuck.

I wasn't aware that your inability to communicate your thoughts in the English language was my fault. I wasn't aware that in the United States of Fucking America, I should dumb myself down so you don't feel inferior. And what I did say to him was "You are aware YOU are speaking English right now. The whole class has for the whole night. So we must all be righter and smarter." He then told me that he doesn't know if I am being sarcastic or not. Mr. Deputy cuts me off and says "Oh, I have the answer to this one. In English because I am righter and smarter. Yes, she is absolutely being sarcastic right now." I mean, shit, even Fat Alberto was laughing his ass off. Joe Cool turned his head slightly towards Eduardo Scissor Hands and said "You do know that English is not what makes her smarter than you right?" Yeah, we totally fist bumped after that. I totally forgave him for thinking our presentation was fiction.

We continued to basically crush Eduardo Scissor Hand's soul as class progressed, even his own Juarez Teenagers sided with the rest of us. It was a little sad. His Mexican Machismo totally deserved to be anal raped, but I did start to feel bad, it isn't his fault that his culture foolishly praises every action the males in the family make. It isn't his fault that he was placed on a pedestal since birth by his Abuela, his Mami, his Tias and hermanas who told him the sun rose and set because of him. It isn't his fault he was ill-equipped to go toe-to-toe with someone like me, I blame all the women in his life that allowed him to think his opinion was relevant just because he is all that is man.

Once class was over, Mr. Deputy asked me to stick around. The Juarez Teenagers were still in the class as he thanked me for attempting to debate the subject matter. Eduardo Scissor Hands was drilling holes in us with his eyes and we both noticed. I laughed and said "You do know that this wasn't a personal attack against you right? People can have different opinions and talk about them without getting upset." Eduardo Scissor Hands replied "Well you don't have to say what you think." Huh? I was ASKED what I thought by Mr. Deputy, everyone was. That's how you earn participation points, you participate. Seeing the frustrated look on my face, Mr. Deputy said "Don't worry about it Mrs. Golden, you're the one with the A." Knowing how much that stung Eduardo Scissor Hands and his fragile Mexican ego pretty much made my night. Well, that and the fact he snatched up his bag and stormed out of the room did too. 

Maybe next week I'll go easier on him. It isn't his fault that I'm righter and smarter because I speak English.

Thursday, December 1, 2011 1 comments

Until We Meet Again

New class tonight, woo hoo! Not really, basically the same group of people and a repeat instructor, Mr. Deputy. I'm pretty sure somewhere along the way I blogged about my misadventures in his class. If not, here's a refresher.

Mr. Deputy is a 30 something sheriff's deputy for the county in the next state over. He's been one for 14+ years, proudly boasts that he is a Incident Investigator, dresses like a frat boy, and insists on calling me Mrs. Golden and winks at me after he says it. OMG, the instructor winked at me and thinks we share a private joke! Wow, I am such a lucky gal!

When he walked in class he glanced at me and said "Whoa I know you!" Unfortunately, he does. I've warned my future team members of his nit-picky teaching style and how he basically uses group presentations to teach the class instead of actually teaching. They all seem pretty nervous, but I have assured him he is just a giant tool. Well, except tools are useful and he isn't. At all.

Oh goodie, it's review the syllabus time. And I am the only person who printed one out as per usual. I gave my copy to another student...I said I can read it off of my computer, also known as live blogging. I just had to introduce myself to the class and boy, how many times can you say your name and career path? I had forgotten that he asks people if they're sure when they end their sentences with a question. Fucking cracks me up every time. Now we keep looking at each other and laughing. Great, we really do have a fucking private joke.

Still going over the syllabus and he keeps asking me if I have found any mistakes. I smiled each time but finally said "Just that you're teaching the class". He replied with "Nice, sick burn!" I am doing my best to not LOL at him. It's very hard. He is literally less prepared than if you pulled a homeless guy off the street to teach us. 

Okay, we are on a 30 min break right now and two of the Juarez kids are having this flirty conversation in Spanish. It's me, the kids and Mr. Deputy and I know for a fact his Spanish is whack at best. After their last giggle, he looks at me and says "Hey wanna have a conversation in a language they don't understand?" Without really looking up from my computer I said "And what language would that be?" He dryly responded with "English". I couldn't help but laugh. His wit has gotten much better since the last time we battled. 

On to teaching time...

He just wrote three discussion questions on the board and we had to answer them on a sheet of paper. As I did the assigned reading, my answers came to me quickly and I was able to write an appropriate amount of information on each topic. Okay, I was able bullshit my way through most of it. I have learned that the more writing you do when he feels like springing a pop quiz, the bigger the words, the less he is likely to actually grade it on content and will just give you a high five and full credit. Needless to say, I got a high five and 5 out of 5 points.

So far we have read the syllabus, talked about him, and discussed our discussion questions AFTER we had to write our answers. Every time I spoke, Fat Alberto, a part-time security guard who is not only over weight but a sweaty imbecile, felt the need to piggyback on my correct answers with incorrect ones. If I hear "Oh yeah, it's like I was saying wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong" one more time I may cut a bitch. I have this overwhelming urge to correct everything that comes out of his mouth. He's just so wrong. Did you know that crime happens when people don't think about things and stuff? I feel so fucking enlightened now!

I know I promised epicness, the night started out promising, but he just abruptly ended class. Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, getting out 35 minutes early is always choice, but we haven't even come close to covering the designated topics as listed for week one in the syllabus. Just kidding. I'm going fucking home! Until next time kiddos!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011 1 comments

Try To Remember

I said I would blog and I meant it damn it. You'll actually get two of these this week. Starting a new class tomorrow. Pretty sure it will be the same group of people from the last one...oh joy.

So yesterday it was my birthday. I'll wait a minute or two while you all tell me Happy Birthday and how young I look for 27 and how I would pass for 19.....anyway, 27th birthday. It was nice. Got a Kindle Touch (the bad ass case is on back order :() and a Starbucks gift card and lots of hugs and kisses from my Bug. Hubby even ordered me the most epic cake ever. Half Green Bay Packers,  half Texas Longhorns, yellow cake, butter cream frosting...yum in a box. Not to mention purple (my fave!) flowers!

It really was a lovely touch. Too bad the cake was filled with strawberries. This may not seem like a big deal to many of you, but I am allergic to strawberries (amongst other things). Like, I carry an epi-pen so I won't die. I jokingly told hubby that the bakery either messed up or he was trying to kill me. He replied that he didn't have motive, but had he motive, he would have been more discreet. Super, I won't see it coming when he

So I call the bakery at Albertsons and ask to speak to a manager. I get Norma (real name, she should be shamed) and after explaining the situation she puts me on hold to ask the bakery staff. Unfortunately for her, I wasn't actually on hold and could hear her asking the mostly Spanish speaking crew. After many "Oh it's cause he asked for it like thats", "is she sure it's her allergy", "Did you say the name was Stephanie?", "the could just eat around it" and a few absolute denials that we bought the cake there, Norma informs me that they can't find the invoice. Seriously?! I informed her that we would be bringing the cake back momentarily and that I would like to speak to the store manager. She said "Yes, that's me?" I'm sorry, you don't know if you're the manager? Wow.

We were headed to a UTEP vs NMSU ladies basketball game shortly, so Hubby and Mom took the cake in the store while I waited in the car with the Bug. On of the bakers kept calling him Gary. They also informed him that Norma had just left, even though five minutes before she had said she'd be waiting for us. After the fear of God (it should have been immigration) was put into them, Hubby told them he wanted his money refunded and a second cake made for free. He picked it up this morning and it was only okay. Still looked cool and was Tiffany Poison free, but now I remember why Costco has the best cakes. It was the thought that counts in the end though.

On to the slaughter....I mean game. UTEP annihilated NMSU 63-27. The NMSU girls looked more like Barbie Dolls than basketball players. Clearly they should have spent less time on hair and makeup, and more on fundamentals. One girl, number 4, had a fucking Bump-it in her hair. I kid you not, The Jersey Shore was alive and well in the Don Haskins Center. Number 33 had this thick and long Heidi braid that she kept using to smack the UTEP players in the face with. Apparently, if you can't win, assault. The coach was even more awesome. He looked like Jack off of Just Shoot Me, a lot shorter and more Hispanic, but he never sat down and yelled the entire time. Obviously he was unaware that his coaching strategy wasn't working.

The UTEP ladies were polar opposites. Our team consists of mostly black girls who look like they could fuck you up with their pinkies. They are mostly under six feet and scrappy, fierce, loud and quite frankly, fearless. We have a few Eastern European chicks, but the black girls rock. Is it possible to call them "some nappy headed hos" like Don Imus did and mean it in a good way? Controversial descriptions aside, go see a Lady Miner basketball game if you have an opportunity. Such heart and skill. Worth it (even thought the tickets range from free to 10 bucks...mostly free).

Well, gotta finish up y homework and then gets my knitting ons. More tomorrow!
Monday, November 14, 2011 1 comments

(It's Not Me) Talking

Last Thursday's class was all about interpersonal communication and listening barriers. Well, after each group presented with a PowerPoint about their assigned topic. We'll knock out the presentations and then get to the good stuff.

I, as always, crafted a wonderful presentation about interrogations and the legalities of certain techniques used and a very informative section on false confessions with some alarming statistics. Had I been presenting this myself, there would have been a standing ovation given that lasted anywhere from 3 to 9 min, followed by requests for me to teach the class. This thing was choice. I even included the "Good Cop, Baby Cop" video spoofing an interrogation from It was brilliant. Unfortunately, my team is not. Right before class, Tejas Mo tells me he has a video he wants to play instead of us presenting our presentation. He says it is a video that HE MADE and it sums up our whole topic. I politely tell him that we have already submitted the presentation to be graded and that we cannot add anything else. He says "NOooooo, not to add it mira. Insteeeeed." I tell him that this is simply not an option, but he tries to convince Joe Cool that we should do it. Joe Cool sort of looks at the video and I glance over to see that it is NOT a video he made, but a segment from a documentary on the border patrol that I recently watched on the History channel. Nothing to do with interrogation tactics and nothing at all to do with our assigned topic.

So our instructor starts class and Tejas Mo interrupts her to inform her that he wants to play a video for the class instead of us doing our presentation. I am emphatically shaking my head no and as she is trying to hold in her laughter, she winks at me and tells him "Well, I think you should discuss that with your group and then your team leader can let me know". He says "Oh, well they said no but I made it and it's really good." I couldn't hold it in. I look at him and say "Oh, you produced and directed a documentary on the border patrol for the History Channel? Wow, what are you doing here then". He quickly backed down, but not before mumbling in Spanish that I was something. I wanna say he said sucia but he not only has an accent, he has a gay lisp so it;s hard to tell.

We presented and I swear to Bob, this had to have been Tejas Mo's first time looking at the presentation. He tried to to my part, he tried to talk over the video and he kept interrupting Joe Cool and I saying that his video HE MADE would have covered it. Our instructor, who needs a name since she'll be my teacher again soon, finally closed her grading book and asked him to sit down so Joe Cool and I could do it right. I think I'll call her Dark Phoenix. She's kind of a bad ass in law enforcement and teaches at fictitious bird university so it'll have to do. the other two groups followed and no surprise, even with our Tejas Mo fucking it up, we were still better. Just a word of advice, if you are not a native/fluent English speaker, please take note that RAPPORT and REPORT are not the same thing.

We then took this little quiz to determine our communication style. No surprise, I am an Assertor. What was a surprise was that 4 other people were as well....well, until Dark Phoenix read the traits and they all realized they didn't add their totals correctly. I was then the only Assertor. Tejas Mo's total said he was a Demonstrator. Here are some traits that were listed: somewhat disorganized, have trouble being on time and keeping track of details, wear bright colors, and sits in an open posture. Tejas Mo looks at these and says "Well, I do like bright colors". Really, that's all you see? REALLY?

After that, we had to list our PERSONAL listening barriers and interpersonal barriers. I put that my need to be right was a listening barrier. Well, not so much that I have to be right, but I want others to admit that they are wrong. If I am talking with someone who is unable to see reason, I tend to tune them out. I had a long list of interpersonal barriers, all of which Tejas Mo fit into. I put down that people who are unmotivated, smelly, liars, and needy are people that I am unable and unwilling to communicate with. We had to discuss these as a group and come up with solutions to these barriers. Joe Cool listed similar barriers to mine and we both said that the only solution was to not be around these types of people. Tejas Mo apparently didn't get this task either because he said his listening barrier was finishing peoples sentences. I said "Okay, but do you think that maybe you also have selective hearing? Because when you had to introduce me to the class, you just made up a bunch of stuff about me that wasn't true and I had already told you what to say". He replied with "Oh, I think that's like finishing sentences". *Slaps hand across own forehead*

Dark Phoenix went around the room and asked each person to say what there barriers were and the solution. TejasMo said his was "like when people gossip about me". How he got that from finishing people's sentences and selective hearing, I guess we'll never know. Tejas Mo also interrupted me and says "And you have to be minded like a window." What. The. Fuck.

Me: Oh, do you mean open minded?
TM: No. Because a window closes.
Me: Okay, but it opens as well, so you're saying that MY personal barrier is that I need to be minded like a closed window?
TM: Yes. Of course.
Me: Perhaps you mean that I need to be minded like a screen door, because that still allows some things to flow through.
TM: No, that's astupid.

Rico Suave joined in by telling Tejas Mo that he is by far the stupidest mother fucker he has ever met. Tejas Mo said "You just don't get it because your minded like a door". I pretty much lost all faith in humanity after that.

Some memorable moments:
I had to explain what the word "frugal" meant, as well as what "quick-witted" meant to the four people surrounding me. I actually had to give a second definition for quick-witted because the first time I replied with "Something you will never be".

Dark Phoenix said that if we learned to control our interpersonal barriers, we would be golden (my last name) and then she looked at me and said "Pun not intended", to which Tejas Mo said "what's that? Pun? Like an ass?"

Organizing is now OrGANzing. The not native English speaking kid in the other group told me that I was saying it wrong because it is OrGANzing. This is also the same kid that thinks RAPPORT and REPORT are the same thing and that Tiffany is pronounced with some rolled R's in it. Don't ask me where he added them, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to pronounce my name with rolled R's.

Sunday, November 13, 2011 1 comments

Who Do You Think You Are?

This blog is TWO weeks in the making. Actually, ten years in the making, but I meant to write this one two weeks ago. I would tell you what happened in school two Thursdays ago, but it's what happened when I got home from school two Thursdays ago that is really the spotlight.

Class was actually pretty blog worthy too. My fucking filthy, fat and lazy teammate Tejas Mo didn't do his portion of our assignment and gave me 14 different conflicting excuses why which culminated in me telling him how fucking lazy and stupid he is and our instructor giving him zero credit. I had a whole blog written on it in my head to type out when I got home (our instructor has a no comp policy when others are presenting) but something magical happened when I pulled in the driveway.

Let me back it up a bit. The scum of the earth live across the street from us. They have since we moved to Texas 10 years ago. Every neighbor on the block came over and warned us of all there crazy experiences with this family and told us to be careful. The six children used to have knock down drag out fights in the front yard, screaming matches between the mom and ex-husband, and one time the oldest daughter ran away once to our house and told us all about how all of the children had been molested and sodomized by the step-dad and his friend (aged 60+ at the time) and how she hated her crazy mom so much. My mother called the cops, like you're supposed to, but the girl recanted and said we made the whole thing up. One time, no shit, I witnessed the oldest daughter giving the old man step dad a lap dance in the drive way. Granted, it took home an average of ten min to get from his car to the front door so maybe she was providing motivation.

Anyway, before I had left for the Air Force, the cops had been to that house probably 100+ times on anything from curfew violations, noise, fighting, restraining orders (the girl had a crazy bf who is now the father of her child...and the three she aborted before that) and abuse charges. While I was away, my parents said it was even worse. They built a second story to their home ad moved even more people in. On any given night, there are 6-11 cars parked out front. Almost every night, they blast music until the wee hours and her now 15 year old youngest daughter gets drunk and high in the front yard with her siblings and friends.

We've called the cops a million times. So has most of the neighborhood. However, no one ever leaves a name out of fear of retaliation. They actually called the health department on our cats, saying that we were feeding strays. Our chipped, fixed, vaccinated and registered cats. I was tempted to cut them myself for one, using the law to attempt revenge, and two, for fucking with my animals, but I didn't. I told myself that no scheme I could dream up would do to them what karma would. Boy oh boy was I right.

The Saturday before Halloween they threw a party. No surprise. These are the same people that put a bouncy castle in their driveway on a Tuesday for no reason. So 11pm hit and I got everyone in our house plus some neighbors to call in the noise violation, curfew violations and to also mention the strong smell of pot. About 1230 am or 1 am the cops show up. I meet them outside before they go over there and I lay it on thick. I mean truly Oscar worthy if I do say so myself. I tell them that these people are just so scary and that they have made every ones life hell. I tell them the music keeps everyone up (they actually turned it up more while I was talking to the cops). I told them that my poor 3 year old baby girl couldn't sleep because her window faces them (all while looking at the female cop...she was sooo on my side after that). I told them how we were sick of living in fear that our cars would be vandalized or that beer bottles would be smashed in the street. I look the male cop straight in his eyes and said "I'm just so grateful that EPPD has officers like you that truly care". It was amazing.

They told me to go inside so the Douchbag family wouldn't see me and the male said "Ma'am, you shouldn't have to live in fear. We'll handle this." So what if it was said to my breasts....whatever works. So they went over. It took almost 10 min for someone to come to the door. I couldn't hear anything, but the crazy mom tried to slam the door in the male officers face. He kept it open with a stiff arm and it looked pretty heated. The female officer put her hand on her weapon a few times. I was hoping for a shoot out, but it ended in a citation. The Douchebags went back inside, but the officers stuck around and took down the plate of every car there....

One plate in particular was important. The Old Man step dad's. Little did we know, Paul H. Flynn, 78, of El Paso, Texas, had a warrant out for his arrest. We learned of this two Wednesdays ago when EP County Sheriff's, EPPD SWAT and ICE agents raided their house. I mean kickin' down doors, scaling walls and the whole nine yards. Evidence was seized, weapons removed and a kindly SWAT guy let us know to BOLO for Mr. Flynn. The warrant was for Felony Theft less than 100,000 but greater than 20,000....but three agencies don't kick in your damn door for theft. Apparently he was wanted for some other stuff they haven't been able to prove yet.

So the following night, I get home from class and I am flabbergasted to see his Lincoln with it's handicapped plate (he uses a cane and has a mean hunchback) sitting boldly in their driveway. I call 911 as instructed by the police to do so and tell them that he is there. How fucking stupid are you to go back there? I mean shit, they raided your house, you don't think they'll come back????

EPPD sorta kinda fucked this one up. Four units descended on the house in a staggered formation, but the oldest daughter was going to her car as they did. She ran back inside (to warn everyone) and then came back out with her bat shit mother and they told the cops that he escaped out the back door and hopped a rock wall into the storm ditch behind their house. Really. A 78-year-old man with a cane hopped a 8 foot high rock wall and escaped. I thought "Surely they can't believe this, they're gonna check the house" but no. Didn't happen. 3 of the 4 officers went into the gas line, under the fence, and into the storm ditch to search. They came back out 15 min later and took off. We saw them driving in the subdivision behind ours with spotlights. Every 5 to 10 min we would see a patrol car drive down our street. Finally, after an hour or two the old man slowly....and I mean with steps that seemed eternally slow...hobbles out to his car with his 32 year junior wife following.

We called 911 to inform them that not only had the officers been duped, he was trying to flee again. Oh, did I fail to mention we were sitting in our neighbors driveway with hot cocoa and popcorn? No joke. Nothing is better than witnessing Karma at work first hand. Anyway, the cops finally apprehended him at his OTHER house a few blocks away. He was booked and released on a bond that they put their house up as collateral for.

I had a brief, yet very entertaining verbal altercation with one of the sons that he raped the next day as well. Yes, I am going to hell, but as he told me to go suck off my father, I had no choice but to reply "Oh sorry, I'm not into that. I hear you really liked getting ass raped by the felon though. Your sister told us all about it. Did he make you call him daddy?" Even Hubby informed me I was gonna burn for that one. Worth it I think. All he could reply with was that I was a whore and a bitch and fucking stupid. He drove off spastically while flipping me off and making cock sucking motions to which I said "I hear you are good at that!" and then a "God Bless" for good measure.

It's been all quiet on the western front since then. Well, someone broke a beer bottle in front of our car that was parked on the street last night. The glass was politely swept up and placed in their driveway. I'm hoping they are actually stupid enough to try something. I would love for him to get his bail revoked or for him to flee and they lose the house. I am tempted to stage Operation Hip Replacement where I kidnap the old man and prevent him from making his court date. Too much?

Anyway, stand by for blog #2 of the night. It's back to school.
Thursday, October 27, 2011 1 comments

Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell

It has finally happened. I have been placed in a class that is very likely what I will experience when I am burning in hell. I'm sure I have said it before, but never in my life have I witnessed such ignorance. I mean it this time. These people make the inbred freaks from The Hills Have Eyes look like Einstein. I am still trying to wrap my mind around the how these people graduated high school, let alone got into college. I will do my best to describe them to you all, but we may have to have a part two to cover this one.

I already knew by reading the class roster that I was the only white person and that's including the teacher. There were a few names that perhaps could have been pronounced differently than what I was thinking, but my gut told me I was a lone wolf. No biggie, race doesn't matter to me, all I care about is that you do your damn work, and from the looks of our syllabus, there is going to be A LOT of group work. So I find the building and room that our class is in say a general "Hello" to the people that are already there and then sit down at a desk (they seat two per) that has two open to my right and one to my left. A seating choice, might I add, that clearly says that I like my space. I even spread out my binder, laptop, coffee and bag on the desk, so it was abundantly clear that you should pick another spot.

Didn't matter. In walks a pockmarked, fat, greasy yet flamboyant Hispanic mail that says "Hola beetches" to the room and sits down in the one spot to my left. He has a chipped manicure on his right hand, a stained Texas shirt (my heart wept for Bevo) and his jeans were low rise. Yeah, you read that right, LOW RISE. I could see his hairy paunch from a mile away. He starts setting up his things on his desk and sees my computer and says "Ayyyyyeeee, she's smart, she bought a small cheap computer!" to I am assuming the woman on his right. I replied "Well, no, I bought a Macbook Pro. You know, made by Apple. Maybe you've heard of them." He just gave me a blank stare and said (about two minutes of staring later) he said "Oh, the guy that died mades those. The guy that makes the jobs". Without laughing at his face I said "Um, Steve Jobs? Yeah, he ran Apple and he died recently". Now I'm not judging (oh wait.....) but this guy had some no name brick of a laptop and has the nerve to call mine cheap and small?! No dude, it wasn't cheap and just because it's lighter than yours doesn't mean it's small. And STEVE JOBS DIED, not the guy that makes the jobs. He then sees my phone (an iPhone 4) and says "Oh, how do you like your ayyyyyy phone?" but before I can answer, he says "It's a 3 huh? This like just came out." Oh and guess what, he gets a blog name. Why? Because he's my new team member. I think I'll go with Tejas Mo.

So the next class members trickle in and every last one of them spoke to me in Spanish first. With each limp wristed handshake they would offer, I would say "I'm Tiffany and I do not speak Spanish", to which I would get "Oy yay, that sucks" or "Oh so we have to use English then for you?" in response. These two guys came in at the same time and one sat down right next to me and the other made a loud sigh and sat in front of us. The one next to me says to the girl next to him "oh I see how it is, you let someone steal our spots. Imma get you back". Clearly he is referring to where I am sitting, so I say "Are you talking about this spot? I can move so you can sit together. All you have to do is ask instead of acting as if I can't hear you". Apparently this excited him as he then attempted to turn on his charm. We'll call him Rico Suave (since he was pretty gross too). He licked his cold sore covered lips, no joke, and says "No ju can sit right next to me. We're just playin" as his eyes focused right at my chest. Super.

Our instructor is actually pretty cool. Been in law enforcement for 10+ years. Dry witted and doesn't take any shit. When she was introducing herself and the course, the group of Juarez Teenagers (of which Rico is included) to my right were rambling on in Spanish. She cut them off and said "This is Written and Oral Communication in Law ENGLISH. Do I need to add that to the slide? That we speak ENGLISH here?" I had to use all my strength not to burst into laughter. She then asked us to ask some questions that were on the slide to the person next to us. We couldn't write down their answers, we had to retain it and then introduce them to the class based on the answers.

Rico Suave tried to ask me, but I had already turned to Tejas Mo. Big mistake. He asked me the questions but before I had finished answering, he was on to the next. When we introduced each other, I remembered everything he said and added a few witty quips, everyone laughed, it was good. But when he introduced me....well, let's just say if my biography was written on what he said, you wouldn't know it was me. Apparently, I want to be a stay at home mom when I get out of the Army and that me and my retired husband are trying to have kids. I want to get my "doctor degree thing" to be a border patrol agent and I like to read books with my glasses. No exaggeration. I tried to correct him, but Instructor said "This is an example of inactive listening, well, really bad listening" and then asked me all the questions about myself. She then said "And that's the ACTUAL Tiffany".

We had to do a few skits based on non-verbal ques from suspects and how different phrases could be said different ways and I, not only being the only vet, but the only person with law enforcement experience, was light years ahead of these people. Apparently, semantics is a hard word (the book defines it three times in our reading), hopeful means the same as helpful, and a NON-VERBAL queue is when someone SAYS stop. I did a mock traffic stop where you suspect the driver of driving drunk and THREE people commented after that "That's what the cop sounded like that got me for my DUI."How are you wanting to be in law enforcement and you've gotten a DUI?!

When it came time to pick teams, the Juarez Teenagers wanted to do two groups of five (it would have put me in their group). Instructor explained that while we only had 10 people right then, that we had 12 total, so we could do 4 groups of 3 or 3 groups of 4. Rico Suave apparently can't count because he again said "So like two groups of five". After I patiently (yes me) explained numbers and math to him, the Juarez Teenagers made their own group, a male and female who knew the two absentees made a group and I got stuck with Tejas Mo and Joe Cool, a Hispanic male from Chicago who tries a wee bit too hard to put off a straight, tough guy vibe. At least Joe Cool isn't an idiot, and during our bathroom break told me that he had Tejas Mo last time and that he was glad he didn't have to deal with his suckage on his own.

I had to explain the homework to Tejas Mo SIX DAMN TIMES. I still don't think he gets it. I don't actually need him for the group project, or Joe Cool for that matter. Most of the group work actually takes place in class, so that's one less thing to worry about.

I am actually pretty grateful I didn't get the Juarez Teenagers, I might have killed them all. I think they are actually all Americans and are all 21+, but they spent the majority of the class talking amongst themselves about where they go to party in Juarez and how you can get a lot of high school girls there. The one female, a 4'10" size negative Hispanic female with a perma-scowl on her hairy face, kept saying "Yeah but they don't know how to fuck. You gotta get a real woman." Like you? It was all around creepy. They even made plans to go to a house party together tomorrow night. The one guy I thought might have a brain in the bunch (he said he didn't drink and seemed to have a legitimate career plan) added "I'll come if you bring some bud. You know I don't like to drink". But you'll smoke pot and you want to be DEA. Awesome combo.

I'd touch on the other group but they were pretty forgettable. I know the male was short and fat and said he worked security. When asked where at, he said "You know, like people pay me to do security at events and stuff. I'm like a bouncer." Yes, if by bouncer you mean they could use you as a trampoline. The female was older and just kept talking about how she doesn't know what she wants to do in the criminal justice system, how she wanted a career that "had like less long hours but paid good and stuff." Yep, that's law enforcement. Less long hours but pays good and stuff. They actually had a pregnant female in their group who left early. She wore a dress that left nothing to the imagination; every dimple and fat roll, even her thong pantie line (yes, I know thongs don't show pantie lines) and mad cleavage. Do women not know what slips are anymore? Do they not know what shape wear is? I know she is pregnant, but they make that stuff for pregnant women. And she almost fell 3 or 10 times in her 4 inch (no lie) lace covered heels. I think she may be working the poll on the day shift.

My brain is turning to mush. Until next blog!
Thursday, October 20, 2011 1 comments

Bittersweet Symphony

It's my final math class tonight. This should be followed with a "AND I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY!", and don't get me wrong, part of me is. The other parts of me are divided up amongst a few other emotions. Shall I touch on those?

I shall. Let's start with anxiety. I haven't even been in this classroom for more than a few minutes and I have already been inundated with calls and texts. Coca Cola is running late, Shit In My Mouth just now looked at the presentation, Cum On Irene feels she needs to make a few changes to her part and Other Team Member is a few seats away from me hacking her gd brains out. Anxiety covers all of that nicely. CC being late means we can't go first which I had planned on doing so we could leave sooner. I created  SIMM's portion specifically for her so she could shine, she needs to score 20/20 on this to get a C. Cum On Irene is a fucking idiot and the only change she should make is to her gd face. And if I get sick again, I will murder Other Team Member. For reals.

Number two on the list is a delicate mix of anger and sadness. I am angry that every week for the past 10 weeks, I have been these people's fucking mother. I'm pretty sure we are all legally adults, but realistically, they're middle schoolers. I realize I'd have had less stress and less hair loss had I just let them crash and burn, but unfortunately, letting them crash and burn would have affected my grade. I don't do not A's. I'm angry that these people succeeded on someone elses coat tails. I am angry that, in all reality, they will continue to be just as lazy and scrape by the rest of their course load on tax payer's dimes. But then the sadness kicks in. Coca Cola can't hook me up with free shit anymore. That's depressing.

Number three is flat out dread. I know this next class is going to be filled with a fresh crop of fucking morons. It will bring three to four new team members that I will have to carry on my already heavy shoulders. It'll bring another instructor that I wow with the most generalized of opinions and gives me an A simply for not being stupid. An instructor that thinks my worst work is the best he/she has ever seen.

I'm not trying to sound conceited, really, that isn't the case. I don't think I'm a super genius, I don't think I'm too cool for school, I merely know that the quality of student AND instructor at University of Mythical Bird is well below par. I realize that in attending UOMB I have chosen to take the easy road to a masters and by doing so, I must suffer through the village idiots that have all congregated here. I also realize that without the staff and students of UOMB, I would have far less blog material. So I guess I'm feeling some gratitude as well.
Thursday, October 13, 2011 1 comments

New Deep

I've been listening to a lot of John Mayer in the past 24 hours for no apparent reason and during a shuffle all albums session, this song called New Deep came on. The lyrics are really wonderful, all about the pompousness of youth and how over analyzing is ridiculous and how this person has really made a change.  The chorus starts out with this statement that "Numb is the new deep" and it got me to thinking "Wow, what a good choice for a blog title". I'm sure you all have caught on that the blog titles are all song titles...if you didn't, just pretend you did.

I'm still not sure how it applies to my night so far. Maybe because I believe (cough cough KNOW) I am far more evolved than anyone else in this class. Maybe it can serve as a reminder that I am not the center of the universe, and that I need to be nicer. I need to change. There is this line where he says "I'm a new man, I wear a new cologne and you wouldn't know me if your eyes were closed." Granted, this song was pre-John Mayer the raging man whore douche bag, but I'm smokin' what he's rollin'. Perhaps I should stop analyzing the fault in others and have a good time.....

Just fucking kidding! Tonight is an especially special night. I did a bad bad thing. I gave myself the easiest part of our presentation. I'm talking title slide, objectives slide, intro and maybe one or two math problems. I also informed my team that they will be receiving ZERO help from me tonight. JJO said they need to be able to do it on their own and it will not effect my grade if they suck, so BAM! Let them eat cake. Or whatever Witty phrase works there.

The first two groups that have presented flat out said before they started that they didn't understand what they're doing and JJO was on that shit. He kept jumping up and saying "Clear as the muddy waters...." and writing frantically with the dying dry-erase marker. As much as this place costs, you'd think we'd get some better markers. Maybe a coffee bar. We did get snazzy desks with outlets built in, so I guess my charger thanks them. I actually think all of the money we pay goes to the AC bill. It's fucking freezing in here, plus everyone is sneezing and coughing. Apparently, no one in this class was taught to cover their damn noses and mouths.

The chick currently presenting is wearing a see through white shirt with an ill-fitting white bra that makes her look like she has inverted nipples. And she's a skinny fat girl, so I am even more disgusted. You know what I'm talking about. She's thin-ish but has creepy bell rolls and has a shirt from the Baby Gap. What's worse is she is wearing a man's xxl hoodie but it isn't zipped and it's hanging off of her shoulders. She needs a high pony tail in a scrunchie to really be able to pull this look off.

We just went on a 30 min break and Coca Cola asked if I wanted anything as he is going to the gas station and I have no desire to walk there, stand in line for our whole break and come back to class and be that jackass that's eating during the presentations. I prefer to be the jackass that is typing hateful things while occasionally saying "Uh huh", "Oh, that makes sense" and "7" without even looking up. Anyway, I said "Yeah, can you get me some coffee or hot chocolate or whatever. something that's hot". He replies "Like those starbucks drinks in the cooler? Or like a burrito?" SERIOUSLY?????? It took everything to not flat out slap the man across the face ala Terrence and Phillip on Brooke Sheilds (I think maybe one of you will get that reference), and after the long pause that should have been followed with a slap, I say "Like, hot coffee in a cup".

We're up next and I am giddy with excitement. I can't wait to present and then kick back and watch the train wreck. I wish I would have brought my knitting stuff. How perfect of a picture did I just paint? Huh? Feet kicked up on a chair, knitting away and chuckling as my team burns in the flames of the wreck. I know, I'm sick.

So they bombed....hard. Coca Cola went first. It was awful. JJO kept asking me to explain and then would say "No, I'm sorry. Coca Cola, please explain" and then when he couldn't, JJO would take over. SIMM did great, but he rushed her because she knew it. Same with me. Then came Cum On Irene. She started by saying "Well, it wasn't on the slide but I thought I would add yada yada yada" HOWEVER, it was on the fucking slide. Right on top. Way to look like a fucking idiot. Then she said "Well, I worked really hard on this but it's just so hard to understand." She didn't work hard on anything. I made the whole goddamn thing. I almost hit an old woman in a hot pink sling. And then Other Team Member didn't even present. At all. She stood there and said "Oh well you just explained it so we're done". I am enraged right now. Fully.

I am going to destroy this bitch. I can't wait until next week's class. I will craft a presentation that makes the rest of us look like good mother fucking Will Hunting and makes her look like Slingblade. It is so on. Would it be wrong to leave her name off of the HW as well? I mean, she doesn't do any of it. I do. I make the team logs that say who does what. Granted, I lie on those logs so they are believable, but I can fix that real quick. Maybe shoulder check her as we walk to the front.

And before I fucking forget, she has a damn bow in her hair. A fucking bow like I would put in the Little Bug's hair. And the bow matches the bows on her shoes and the bow earrings she is wearing. They're all blue to coordinate (allegedly) with her outfit. Problem is, her shirt is a pastel pink disaster and the pants are fuchsia. It isn't color blocking, it's color raping.

JJO is talking over the final group now, I'm sure he's trying to explain something important about next week, but I could care less. I'm trying to figure out how to cut a bitch without anyone knowing I cut a bitch.

WAIT! It gets better. I came out to my car to find a note on my door that said "Text Me Plz. Brandon" with his number. So I think, shit, maybe he hit my car or some shit. Nope it was the campus security guard and he said he's trying to meet new people. WTF???? Not just inappropriate, I'm creeped the hell out. Sooooo reporting that tomorrow.
Thursday, October 6, 2011 1 comments


I'm having one of those days. Not one THOSE days, the kind where everything is just off, but one of those days where everything is going smooth and then BAM! Someone comes along and fucks it up. Today, that person is, no shocker here, a team member.  Actually, two of them. Cum On Irene and the other new one. She doesn't have a name yet. Maybe I'll think of one mid rant.

First, Cum On Irene. She had shoulder surgery this week, and even though I thought she would be missing class, she said she'll be here. Well, she is, with bells on. She's rocking a hot pink sling and matching lipstick on her face....not lips, face. I'm pretty sure she is hopped the fuck up on pain killers. She tells me, as I'm walking in, "Well I told you I'd be here girl! But I gadda tellllllllll you that I jus look at this thing we're doing right this second annnnnnnd I know I'll'll be okay because I'm jus good with numberses." No exaggeration on my part. She added "I means if youuuuuu can read the books then you can get this stuff, it's like history."

No, it's like math. And I think you may be too damn high to read books, but we only have one book. We haven't presented yet, but I gave her the title slide, the objectives slide and a basic introduction. There is actually barely any math at all in her beginning portion. I have no idea what the fuck she thinks she's presenting on.

On to Other Group Member. She texted me today to tell me her daughter was sick, they were at the pediatrician, and she wasn't sure if she was going to make it. I said that I hope her daughter feels better and just to let me know, if she couldn't, I would do her part. No biggie, I made the fucking presentation without anyone's help, I can present it too. The she texts me about an hour and a half before class and says "I can't get a sitter and my husband won't watch her" naturally sparking a WTF moment. I text back and ask why he won't watch his daughter so his wife can go to school and she replies "It's cause he doesn't want to get sick." So it's okay that she does? Of course I am pissed now and text her back "You do know that if you don't come tonight, you don't get any credit at all for the presentation?" to which she replies "Yeah, but he has plans this weekend and doesn't want to get sick."

Seriously???? He doesn't want to take care of his child because he has plans this weekend? You are going to lose 15% of your grade (that's how much tonight is worth) to take care of a sick child that he selfishly doesn't want to watch? I told Shit In My Mouth and Coca Cola why she wasn't going to be here, complete with the husband part, and they didn't even react. Like, it's normal that a man not take care of his child. Like that's just acceptable. Fuck that.

To top that all off, while we were waiting for the first group to get here, I ran to the student lab to print out a hard copy of our homework and I run into African Army. I tried to ignore his racist ass, but he said "What? You dont rememba me? Hahahaha". I replied "I don't associate with blatant racists." He looked shocked and pissed but I could honestly give a fuck. I was just hoping he was deployed or got kicked out or dead so I wouldn't get stuck with him in another class.

Oh wait, another what the fuck moment. We just finished our presentation. I presented Cum On Irene's part. She just stood there and kept saying "As you can see on the slide..." and I ended up having to present it and do all the examples. Then I had to save Coca Cola's ass because he still can't say x squared or cubed or to the anything power. Then I knocked out Other Team Member's part and by the time we got to SIMM's part, J-JO rushed her through it and then my part, he stops me and says "You're going again?" I said "yes sir, I did Other Team Member's part and now we're on to mine" to which he said "At least I know you get it". I'd be flattered if it wasn't so sad that no one else in the group or the class gets any of this.

Normally, this would be the point in the night where I knock out next week's presentation and HW and then gloat int he fact I get to do nothing school wise for the next week, but my brain is fried. It's bad enough I do all the work for the group, but having to do the one thing that is required of them is really pissing me off. JJO pulled me aside during our lunch break and said that he see's who does what and that their grades will reflect that. I just smiled and nodded but it was very nice to hear him say that. I already knew that, but I like that he reminds me every week. It almost makes all this group learning shit easier to deal with.

Mommy Night Out tomorrow with two of my favorite ladies....if we don't get too crazy, I may blog about it. Night all.
Thursday, September 29, 2011 1 comments

Scream Aim Fire

I have the Rocky theme playing in my head. Me and this bitch are gonna dance tonight. She sent me an email saying how she works 11 whole hours a day and has to drive an hour each way to work and how she prefers emails to texts and how she's soooo accomplished. Yeah, all it was was a giant run on excuse. And boy oh boy was it catty. 

My reply was absolutely fabulous. I played the whole sweet but bitchy card. I also informed her that I'm not just some housewife who doesn't know the meaning of work. I said how fortunate I was after two deployments to get the opportunity to go to school and take care of my beautiful daughter. BTW, she looks like she would have been an 80's prostitute. OH! I have her blog name: Cum On Irene. Genius.

So the gist of her email was that she always brings her A-game, I should have emailed her (even if she never gave me her email addy), and "Bitch, you don't know my life". I thought my sickeningly sweet "Suck it the fuck up and do what I say" was an appropriate response. 

So after all the shit she wrote, this is what I got. I got a 1980's hair band groupie reject. I got a 50+ year old woman desperately trying to cling to her youth by wearing a baby doll dress (you can only wear that if you're a skinny model or a child) and teased hair and make-up that would make Lady Gaga say "It's just too much." I got a woman who tried to flirt with our teacher J-Jo because she certainly didn't understand what she was supposed to fucking present. She even said "I'm going to open with a joke". Bitch, I gave you the last portion of the presentation, we've been opened. I almost said "Is your above the knee dress and bare varicose veined legsthe joke?", but I held it in. 

I had to be smooth, so it's not the best quality, but I think it gets my point across. She has that whole no ass but a huge stomach thing going on. It'd be super cute if she wasn't a giant bitch. She had 5 slides to cover and she was so bad that he stopped her after 1 and a half and asked me to finish it. She said "No no, I got it" to which he replied "No, you don't". 

OH! I forgot to mention that Cum On Irene said she is an accountant for ATT and is almost done with her bachelors. I thought that you had to have your bachelors to be an accountant. I think what she meant to say is that she is an accounts specialist, also known as a customer service rep, which in El Paso means telemarketer. I can see how you could get Accountant and Telemarketer mixed up. 

I'm pretty sure that she just read my email response. I think she may be giving me dirty looks through her droopy eyelids. Did I mention she sat completely across the classroom from the rest of the group? There is room for her, but she waddled across the room and sat there. I just keep giggling at SIMM's jokes and smiling big to show off my perfectly straight teeth my momma paid for (I had to give her a shout out, she listens to my blog each week and lies and tells me it's good). Yep, those are clearly daggers she's shooting me....I LOVE IT!

Coca Cola said he had her in a previous class some months ago. He said she was very upset she was not the team leader and that she made every one's life very difficult. He said she even actually said "Well, if I'm not in charge, you can bet I'm going to make it harder for who is" and Coca Cola isn't smart enough to lie. He looks genuinely in fear of her. He did tell me "You're our leader and my loyalty is with you. I got your back" which was pretty sweet. I want to say "This is just math, not Sparta" but his heart is in the right place. Also, he gets free tickets to the UTEP games so I think I'll stay nice. AND he gave me a case of Monster's two weeks ago for free...I don't mind doing extra work and not saying the smart ass thing I want to say for free shit.

Cum On Irene does this bizarre throat clearing thing too. Like a freight train mixed with a revving Harley. drink some water, suck on a cough drop, take some claritin, but please, stop going "urgh urgh urgh urgh urrrrrrrgh". Oh how I wish "someone would hold my baby". Don't worry if you don't get that line, it was meant for one person in particular.

Class is almost over. I wonder if she'll stick around after and actually talk to me. Probably not. More tomorrow....maybe.

She bolted from class as soon as we were released. I figured she would. But while in the parking lot by my car with Coca Cola and Shit In My Mouth and she pulls up next to us and asks "Did you get my email?" I wanted to ask "Which one? The one where you question my intelligence or the one where you act like you're better than me?", but I smiled and said "Can you elaborate?". She told me she emailed me an apology email a few minutes before and that she was sorry if she "came off as a B-I-T-C-H", yes, she spelled it. Then she proceeded to tell me that she has two sons in the service who are about to retire at 20 and 25 years and that she appreciates my service and that our teacher must really like me because she saw his grade sheet and we had the highest score. Before I could say anything else, she said "Thanks for doing all the work, I think I'll just shut up and take the A, hehehe. Have a good night" and drove off. Even Shit In My Mouth and Coca Cola were in shock.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011 1 comments

She's A Mean Woman

I'm sure my loyal followers were not expecting a blog until Thursday (during or after class), but you get one on a Tuesday afternoon. It is about class though.

I didn't go to class last week as I had a way more important (okay, just more fun) engagement called book club. I don't regret going to book club, however, in my absence, Coca-Cola and Shit In My Mouth allowed J-JO to add two new members to our group. One who's seems willing to just go along with whatever I say, and the other who is a catty fucking bitch who needs to get popped in the mouth.

I texted this bitch THREE TIMES with my email, name and contact number and requested hers as well. She doesn't send me shit but has the nerve to post in our forum that our teacher can read and it says "I havent receaved anything about our assignment and no one listed my email addresses on the team chater I AM a part if this team weather anyone is ok with that and I need to be included". Yeah, that's a copy and paste. I'll ignore the obvious mistakes in grammar and spelling and cut straight to what pissed me the fuck off.

I texted her THREE TIMES asking for her info and I got nothing. I haven't even met this bitch and she has the nerve to try and call me (okay the whole group) out?! And from what I know about Shit In My Mouth and Coca-Cola, they would have been nothing but nice to her last Thursday. Coca-Cola even called me to tell me that they both seemed smart and that this one seemed a little miffed that we already had a team leader. He said she said "She better know what she's doing or else". Who the fuck says that???? And yeah bitch, my 4.0 gpa says I know what the fuck I'm doing.

I can't wait until Thursday. Game on bitch.
Friday, September 9, 2011 1 comments

Brain Damage

I shall start off this blog by making a very special announcement:

The world champion Greenbay Packers beat "dem Saints" 42 to 34! Absolutely FABULOUS way to start off another championship season! GO PACK GO!

Alright. I had my Cheesehead moment for the week.

Where to begin with class? My brain is like mush right now. I spent 3 hours of class working on my final test in the math lab. It isn't due until next week, but it's not like I actually listen to the other groups presentations. I know, shock, I chose a test over Farmville and the Sims.

My group presented first. Let me re-phrase that. I presented first. The Deputy, who I gave the easier, first section, couldn't pronounce the word function. He kept saying "Fuckton". He had three slides and function only appeared three times, yet he managed to say "Fuckton" like forty times. Thank GOD he won't be here next week. Every presentation I've made, I've given him the easiest part. It's usually the intro and it's ALWAYS step by step, laid out so simply that a preschooler could understand it. But EVERY TIME he feels the need to ad-lib, to put in his UN-needed and never correct two-cents. Today, it was trying to explain "Fucktons" and "bases and expinents" (exponents).

So after interrupting him SEVERAL times to save the group score, Coca Cola starts his portion. Not only does he not know that comma's mean there is a pause, he also thinks that x to the 3rd power is X3. J-JO corrected him every single time he talked about powers, which was every other word as his potion was about powers. Afterward, he told me "It's cause I didn't look at it until today and it was really hard to understand cause it's like, complicated with the math and stuff". That's a direct quote, I wrote it down as he was speaking, realizing it was blog gold. I was not aware that math is hard to understand and complicated until Coca Cola pointed it out to me. And I had that shit to them on Monday, how did he just look at it today? Oh, I know why, because he, like the rest of my team, is a lazy mother fucking idiot.

Shit In My Mouth was next. She informed me while Coca Cola was presenting that she never got the presentation email so she needed to know what part was hers. I told her I sent it on Monday, twice actually (accidents happen) and even showed her my outbox from my phone to prove it. She opened up her mail app and said "Oh, I guess I just missed it." So let me get this shit straight, I tell you I will have the presentation sent to you by Monday and you don't think to text, call or email me asking where it is. You don't check your email thoroughly? You wait until class has started to see what you're supposed to present on????? So she tries to explain Monomials and Polynomials but keeps saying MOMIALS and POLLYS. About thirty seconds in, I cut her off and handle that shit. She kept saying "Yeah, that's right" and "Exactly". No bitch, stop talking. I could have said "Shit In My Mouth is the most retarded woman alive" and she would have said "Yeah that's right" and "Exactly".

My portion went by without the slightest of hiccup. J-JO seemed relieved that he didn't have to interrupt or correct me. And that I could say "Function", "Whatever to the whatever power", "Monomial" and "Polynomial".

I literally spent the next three hours on this test. It was a bitch. You only get one shot and there is ZERO help. I had the textbook open in one window (do Macs have windows???), google in one tab, and this math solver website in another and I still got an 80%. It'll all still average out to an A, but if me, the only person with 100% (or even an A for that matter) in the class can barely get an 80%, the rest of them are fucked. My team members kept trying to ask me questions about next weeks assignment and I had to explain to them a million times that I was doing next week's test, that once you start it it can't be stopped, and that I would get the assignment done by Tuesday. They almost got murdered. When I finished, the looks on their faces were priceless. The Deputy asked if it was hard and I said "Well, I worked non-stop for three hours with every resource I could find and I got an 80%". He replied with "Shit, we're fucked". I wanted to say "Why? Because you mooch off of my brain and still have yet to figure out that Google can do 60% of the work for you? Because fucktons are complicated?", but I just said "Well, you'll do your best." And by best, I mean that he'll get a D overall.

To top it all off, I come home to a fully Fall/Halloween decorated house, complete with motion-activated skeletons and a bat that scared the living shit out of me as I tried to open the front door. Mi Madre and Hubby did an excellent job, even if it is a month too soon for Halloween (but the fall section is very timely), but I was not warned in advance of the crazy bat by the front door and I almost had a heart attack. And my Little Bug was so tuckered out from all the decorating excitement (and the fact that she conned me out of a nap again) that she passed out before I got home. I snuck in her room and gave her a kiss on the forehead and said "I love you the best" (I tell her every night) and her little hand came up and pushed my face away. Great. Even asleep, she's a diva.

Came downstairs and watched Suits with Hubby and while it was another phenominal episode, I got all bummed when I realized it wouldn't be back until next summer. My Thursday's just won't be the same without Harvey and Mike. I mean sure, I'll soon have Grey's Anatomy, but they jumped the shark a few seasons back, I only watch now out of obligation.

Tomorrow will be a fun filled morning of crafting hand-made invitations to the Halloween party Mi Madre is insisting we have and maybe a Walmart run. I'm pretty sure there is something we'll need and Target is just not worth the drive. On the upside, the weather was glorious today in the West Texas town of El Paso and I look forward to a second day of wearing my awesome Gabor riding boots.

Until next time....which may be sooner than usual, depending on how tomorrow's attempt at being Martha Stewart goes.

Thursday, September 1, 2011 1 comments

Dirty Water

Back in the saddle again. I am fully aware that I did not blog last week's class, or anything at all for that matter. I think the two blogs from two weeks ago should count for being to lazy/annoyed/pre-menstral this past week. Anyway, I will not promise comedic gold this time around, but I have a feeling that any of you that are like me will chuckle as you read.

"Are we clear?" Jaime James Olmos says outloud as he explains graphing linear equations. Some head nodding and vacant stares from the rest of the class (not me of course...I can actively participate and ignore at the same time) promt him to answer "Like the muddy waters of the Rio Grande". Kinda funny right? Wrong. He asks "Are we clear?" about every thirty to forty five-seconds, meaning he says "Like the muddy waters of the Rio Grande" every thirty to forty-five seconds. And every single time he gets courtesey laughs, which only encourage him to keep saying it. Seriusly people, it isn't funny anymore. Stop laughing. Besides, he's making fun of all of you and you're too fucking stupid to get that.

Oh, check this, Shit In My Mouth didn't show. Not only did she not show, she didn't tell any of us and now I have to present her portion of our presentation. Well, I don't have to, but realistically, I am the only one that can. I created the presentation, assigned slides to each member, and am the only one in the group that ACTUALLY understands any of this shit. The Deputy offered to help, but as soon as I said that I could do it, he said "Oh, that's good cause I was just offering to be nice".

The Deputy informed me that he has an 80%. I asked him why and he said "Oh it's cause I didn't think he'd check the answers. I don't got time to double check". Jaime James Olmos overheard this and informed everyone that I am also the only person in the ENTIRE CLASS that has 100%. Apparently, they do not realize that when doing your individual assignment in the online math lab, you can keep doing the problem until it is correct. There is no limit on the amount of times you can try. There are also these nifty little tools that walk you through the problem step by step, thus making getting the problem wrong next to impossible. Well, impossible if you are not a member of this class.

Oh, it's two hours and 11 min into class and the first group is finally done with their presentation. Jaime James Olmos feels the need to interject every other word. "Let me just add that..." is almost heard as frequently as "Like the muddy waters of the Rio Grande". I really shouldn't complain, the longer everyone else takes, the longer I have to tend to Farmville and my Sims, but he is an awful teacher. He got rid of the tests and quizes in our course and replaced them with group presentations. He said it was so we can all learn from each other. No, it's so you don't have to come up with a lesson plan. And I'm not learning shit from anyone. I'm learning it from my book and from what I remember from Mr. Kleinert, my freshman year math teacher. And from Google. Their calculator feature is amazing.

Team B is now presenting and only one team member showed. This really ghetto black woman, we'll call her Shanaynay, who is constantly saying things like "Why you be confusing me dawg?", "This shit be makin my head hurt", and my personal favorite "Naw dawg, that ain't right" when it ALWAYS is. She has no idea what's going on, ever, and she just did a problem on the board that caused me and a very fat white boy, The Blob, and this blonde haired mexican BITCH, we'll call her Fressa, to get into it. They both came up with the WRONG answer after they frantically scribbled on their paper. I, just by looking at the problem said "It's -1/2" and then contiued on with my farm. The Blob says "No it's not, it's 5". Fressa chimes in with "Yeah it's five, you don't always know" in that whine only hispanic bitches can master. I stifle a laugh and say "Really? How did you get to 5?" (BTW, the answer has to be a fraction, the rise over run to determine slope). The Blob says "It's cause I did the math" and Fressa adds "Yeah, we did the math." Jaime James Olmos says "No, you didn't do the math. She did the math, you two did some shrooms before class. Mrs. Golden, can you please come up here and explain your answer?"

So I begrudgingly walk up to the front, write out the problem and solve it and before I can explain how I got it, Shanaynay says "Naw Dawg that ain't right", The Blob says "Nuh uh" and Fressa chimes in with "You're still wrong". Jaime James Olmos throws both hands in the air and says "I can't teach you people nothing" to which I respond "Anything". Yeah, right over his head. J-Jo went on to re-explain the problem showing them I was correct but Fressa, The Blob and Shanaynay are all giving me dirty looks. Shanaynay is sitting directly infront of me and has to do a 180 degree turn to look at me hard, but she's still doing it. I just smile politely and keep farming.

It's now 9pm and we have three more presentations to get through in an hour. Team C is up, Fressa is a member. Their Powerpoint presentation (btw my group was the only one to have a pp last week) looks exactly like I made it....if I was drunk and typing. How do you take a screen grab and not edit it to fit your slide? Half of the screen grab from the text book is missing and the text they added is spelled wrong. If you're going to try and copy my swagger, you need to step up your game Fressa. Just kidding, I know she didn't make it. She mispelled her own name on her name card. J-Jo asked her if it was really how she spelled her name, and she looked at it for a good two min before saying "Oh, I added a g" and giggled. Her name is Rosalba. How do you mistakingly add a "g" to your own name? I'd maybe understand if you were typing, mispelled words happen all the time when typing, but WRITING IT????

9:21 pm and they still aren't done with the second section out of four. That gives Team D and our team (E for EXCELLENT ESCALANTE's) less than 20 min each for our presentations. Judging by how retarded The Blob rest of Team D are, I am willing to bet good money that my group will not be presenting. He never interupts us anyway. He only interupts if the group is wrong. I know I sound like a cocky bitch, but I really am that damn good. Okay, maybe not that damn good, but the rest of the class is that damn bad.

Crap. 9:28 and he wants us to combine the last two groups. He asked if it was possible and I so desperately wanted to say "You can't add perfume to shit and make it not be shit" (us being the perfume of course).

Okay, so we knocked out our presentation without Team D assistance and J-JO said "Once again, the only group that got it right".

So I'm home now. Gave the Little Bug a bath and recounted most of the night to the Hubby. Only two more classes, followed by five of the next math class. I'll be heartbroken if I get smart people in the next class. Keep an eye out for a new blog Sunday night, as I will be attending the Annual Hill's Have Eyes Festival in Hatch, NM. Okay, it's the Hatch Chile Festival, but I'm pretty sure that movie was inspired and filmed in Hatch, NM.
Saturday, August 20, 2011 4 comments

4 My People

I was supposed to do this yesterday, but *insert really good reason why I didn't here*. Now that we have that cleared up, I'll give you what you've been desperately waiting for (at least I'd like to think you have been).

The Deputy is a middle-aged, heavy-set, Hispanic male who has been a deputy sheriff for the next county over for five years. Before that (and trust me, this is his only saving grace), he was a deputy sheriff for Maricopa County. If you don't know why that is awesome, I'm going to ask you to choke yourself right now. He is divorced with a daughter and son who he seems to be very proud of. He is a republican (okay, that's a plus too) and is a criminal justice major like me.

Now to the shit you came here to read. Have you ever met that guy that tells a pretty lame joke and no one really laughs, but he tells it about 15 more times within the next hour hoping for more laughs? Yeah, that's the Deputy. He will also ask the same question over and over until he gets an answer that he likes or makes sense to him. He kept asking how we were going to post our group work on the website and I said to him that I would be the one posting it. He then asked how I was going to post it. I again said that I would be the one to post it. Again, he said how. Third time wasn't the charm, it was my snapping point and I responded "I will post our group work to the website. You will send it to me when you are done, I will compile and double check the math, and then, once all of that is done, I will save it in a word document and upload it to with my computer." Apparently, the sarcasm went right over his head and he said "Oh, okay, sounds good." He didn't have his homework finished either, and he kept answering Jaime James Olmos' questions loudly and proudly...except he was wrong every time.

Coca-Cola isn't too bad. He is also middle-aged and Hispanic, but in relatively good shape. He is another criminal justice major, and he uses math everyday at work (according to him). He is almost finished with his degree, just a few basics left to knock out so I am relatively confident he will be a good team member. I seriously doubt that this close to the finish line he would trip.

Now, the female medical biller, or as I will now be calling her, Shit In My Mouth. She's in her mid-twenties, has a kid and a fiance, works as medical biller for a pediatrician, will be moving to Austin soon, average looking Hispanic....anything else? Oh yeah, her breath smells like someone opened up her mouth and took a nice, hearty shit. I even offered everyone gum, a really strong one too, and it was still horrendous. My dog's asshole smells better, I'm sure.

Oh, and she's one of those "power of positive thinking people". She is constantly telling herself things like "I can do this", "I am a good leader", "I am in control of my situation" and what not. She even said in a somewhat shaky voice "I will be the one to do our Team Charter and the learning logs. I need to be a leader. I can do this". Seriously? Bitch, if you wanted to be a leader, I wouldn't be doing all the ACTUAL work for the group.

I really do welcome the break from all the crazies from my previous classes, but this class is going to do a number of things. 1)Provide ample blog material. 2)Induce vomitting from the smell. And 3)Add to the growing list of reasons I should have chosen a different school.

Thursday, August 18, 2011 2 comments

Strangest Places

I have walked into an alternate universe on the University of Phoenix campus. The Falcon building. No, I'm not joking, that's the name, and my oh my, it is a beauty. This is what all of the Criminal Justice majors have been missing out on. 

You see, I have to take a math class, two actually, which means I am no longer with my loveable group of miscreants that you have all come to know. Who am I fucking kidding, they were not loveable and I am not sad to be apart from them. 

I am in a classroom that has work stations WITH outlets built in (no more fighting for the ones on the wall), comfortable chairs, clean carpet, and technology from THIS century. I'm a little excited to see how the other half lives and learns. There is another CJ guy in here, a deputy sherriff the next county over and even he is amazed with the quality of The Falcon. Shit, even in the civillian world, cops get the short end of the stick. 

Our instructor is the chair for the math department for some high school. He didn't seem too proud of that fact either. Apparently, that school had very low math scores...and he's teaching us. Super. He looks like the teacher from Stand And Deliver. I don't know what to call him, Edward James Olmos or Jaime Escalante. Maybe Jaime James Olmos. I like it. J-JO it is. He wears glasses AND he's a math teacher...this is too awesome. Unfortunately, there is no Lou Diamond Phillips. "I got more bad news for you, *profe.* I know this is really gonna trip you out, but... I forgot my pencil. "

Oh I love that movie. I need to queue that shit up on Netflix. 

He's talking to the class about how hard this is going to be. He said "I understand if your homework isn't done this week, that's why I made it due next week." and the whole class breathed a sigh of relief. What the shit???? I had my homework done on Sunday. Mother fuckers. 

I am Learning Team E, I like to think it's E for Escalante. It's like we are alread his favorites. It's me, the Deputy, a guy who works for Coca-Cola and a female Medical Biller. They're nice enough. We shall see if they get nicknames and their own blogs soon enough.

OMG, I should have clep'd this class. Why oh why did I take it?!?!?! I have the answer before he finishes the question. This is straight up grade school math. Grrrrr....

To be continued tomorrow...