Thursday, September 29, 2011

Scream Aim Fire

I have the Rocky theme playing in my head. Me and this bitch are gonna dance tonight. She sent me an email saying how she works 11 whole hours a day and has to drive an hour each way to work and how she prefers emails to texts and how she's soooo accomplished. Yeah, all it was was a giant run on excuse. And boy oh boy was it catty. 

My reply was absolutely fabulous. I played the whole sweet but bitchy card. I also informed her that I'm not just some housewife who doesn't know the meaning of work. I said how fortunate I was after two deployments to get the opportunity to go to school and take care of my beautiful daughter. BTW, she looks like she would have been an 80's prostitute. OH! I have her blog name: Cum On Irene. Genius.

So the gist of her email was that she always brings her A-game, I should have emailed her (even if she never gave me her email addy), and "Bitch, you don't know my life". I thought my sickeningly sweet "Suck it the fuck up and do what I say" was an appropriate response. 

So after all the shit she wrote, this is what I got. I got a 1980's hair band groupie reject. I got a 50+ year old woman desperately trying to cling to her youth by wearing a baby doll dress (you can only wear that if you're a skinny model or a child) and teased hair and make-up that would make Lady Gaga say "It's just too much." I got a woman who tried to flirt with our teacher J-Jo because she certainly didn't understand what she was supposed to fucking present. She even said "I'm going to open with a joke". Bitch, I gave you the last portion of the presentation, we've been opened. I almost said "Is your above the knee dress and bare varicose veined legsthe joke?", but I held it in. 

I had to be smooth, so it's not the best quality, but I think it gets my point across. She has that whole no ass but a huge stomach thing going on. It'd be super cute if she wasn't a giant bitch. She had 5 slides to cover and she was so bad that he stopped her after 1 and a half and asked me to finish it. She said "No no, I got it" to which he replied "No, you don't". 

OH! I forgot to mention that Cum On Irene said she is an accountant for ATT and is almost done with her bachelors. I thought that you had to have your bachelors to be an accountant. I think what she meant to say is that she is an accounts specialist, also known as a customer service rep, which in El Paso means telemarketer. I can see how you could get Accountant and Telemarketer mixed up. 

I'm pretty sure that she just read my email response. I think she may be giving me dirty looks through her droopy eyelids. Did I mention she sat completely across the classroom from the rest of the group? There is room for her, but she waddled across the room and sat there. I just keep giggling at SIMM's jokes and smiling big to show off my perfectly straight teeth my momma paid for (I had to give her a shout out, she listens to my blog each week and lies and tells me it's good). Yep, those are clearly daggers she's shooting me....I LOVE IT!

Coca Cola said he had her in a previous class some months ago. He said she was very upset she was not the team leader and that she made every one's life very difficult. He said she even actually said "Well, if I'm not in charge, you can bet I'm going to make it harder for who is" and Coca Cola isn't smart enough to lie. He looks genuinely in fear of her. He did tell me "You're our leader and my loyalty is with you. I got your back" which was pretty sweet. I want to say "This is just math, not Sparta" but his heart is in the right place. Also, he gets free tickets to the UTEP games so I think I'll stay nice. AND he gave me a case of Monster's two weeks ago for free...I don't mind doing extra work and not saying the smart ass thing I want to say for free shit.

Cum On Irene does this bizarre throat clearing thing too. Like a freight train mixed with a revving Harley. drink some water, suck on a cough drop, take some claritin, but please, stop going "urgh urgh urgh urgh urrrrrrrgh". Oh how I wish "someone would hold my baby". Don't worry if you don't get that line, it was meant for one person in particular.

Class is almost over. I wonder if she'll stick around after and actually talk to me. Probably not. More tomorrow....maybe.

She bolted from class as soon as we were released. I figured she would. But while in the parking lot by my car with Coca Cola and Shit In My Mouth and she pulls up next to us and asks "Did you get my email?" I wanted to ask "Which one? The one where you question my intelligence or the one where you act like you're better than me?", but I smiled and said "Can you elaborate?". She told me she emailed me an apology email a few minutes before and that she was sorry if she "came off as a B-I-T-C-H", yes, she spelled it. Then she proceeded to tell me that she has two sons in the service who are about to retire at 20 and 25 years and that she appreciates my service and that our teacher must really like me because she saw his grade sheet and we had the highest score. Before I could say anything else, she said "Thanks for doing all the work, I think I'll just shut up and take the A, hehehe. Have a good night" and drove off. Even Shit In My Mouth and Coca Cola were in shock.


Shannon said...

LMAO.... She is insane. What a dress... We should get one just like it and wear it out... Girl. I will hold your baby anytime. ;)

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