It's All Coming Back to Me Now

I know, I know, everyone missed me so much last week. Fine, you missed the blog. Same difference. But you missed the blog because I missed class. I went on a road trip to Wichita Falls, Texas to pick up my baby sister from Sheppard AFB. She finished her training and got orders to her first base! And while I am so very proud of her, I am super bummed I missed class. Not because I was docked 8 points for not attending, but because I was pretty sure it would be an eventful night. The presentations were on different theories in criminology and when Mr. Deputy explained what group would be presenting on what, they all looked confused and terrified.

But on to tonight. Tonight, tonight, we only have tonight....for individual presentations. Before we began, Mr. Deputy asked me where I was last week. I told him that I had to go pick up the baby sis from her base in Wichita Falls. Eduardo Scissor Hands told me that Wichita is in Kansas. It was just the opportunity I needed. I replied "No, Wichita Falls, Texas. At Sheppard AFB. As in the United States Air Force. Something you could never join due to your tricky immigration status." He scoffed and said "No it's cause I have a visa for school". Without missing a beat I replied "Well that visa won't get you in the DEA. Don't worry though, University of Mythological Bird has no problem taking your money though." He had no words. Neither did Mr. Deputy who was laughing so hard I definitely saw a tear.

I just watched Fat Alberto give a presentation on the history of organized crime in the US. He told us the plot of The Godfather Part II. Not exaggerating. "The mafias are like family you know, but like even though the guys aren't really blood in real life." He then did his best Scarface impression, which of course caused me to choke on my coffee and after I stopped gasping for air informed him that he was mixing two different movies. He said "No it's cause The Godfather is a sequal to the Tony Montana movie." I replied with all seriousness that someone should make that a box set and he said "I know! I would buy it."

The cinephile was followed by two presentations on drug abuse. One was supposed to be about drug trafficking, but no, they were both on drug abuse. apparently, a sign of drug abuse is when a person does too much drugs. That's all I took from it....well, that and that Mr. Deputy was a huge pothead once upon a time. He practically salivated at the photo of a bong. I did too, but that isn't the point. Fucking potheads.

Okay, word of the night alert! Hairyachie. Apparently it means the same as hierarchy, but it's spelled and pronounced Hairyachie. I interuppted Eduardo Scissor Hands to ask for a definition of Hairyachie and either he knew I was mocking him or just didn't know, but he told me to get a dictionary. I informed him that I did indeed look up the word Hairyachie and that it said "did you mean hierarchy?" to which he informed me I was saying it wrong. Guess my English speaking no longer makes me righter and smarter.

He keeps talking about Al Capone now. Apparently Al Capone has had "Lots of filmographies made about him, like lots." He violated lots of Ricko statutes as well. I couldn't resist and asked if he meant RICO and he wouldn't answer me. But I did learn that Ricko's smuggle stuff. Nothing specific, just stuff.

The Juarez Teenager female is up now covering "white color crime" and it's links to terrorism. I told her that I was offended. She didn't get it (of course) and said they call it that because the rich people commits the crimes of white color. If terrorists didn't committ white color crime, they would have to rob banks and use drugs. She slurred her way through an explanation of the show "White Color" on "Los Usas Channels" and then abruptly asked us if we had any questions. I was so dumbfounded by the lack of a complete presentation (4 slides, no conclusion and no references) that Mr. Deputy beat me to the punch. He sighed loudly and said "None that you could ever answer."

I followed her. I was given the topic of prostitution. I choose to believe my classmates when they told me it was because none of them chose it and I wasn't there to pick. If I don't believe that, then I have to assume it's because Mr. Deputy thinks I know the subject well. Anyway, it was pretty funny. Aside from me blushing and Joe Cool calling me out for it. I had pictures of the trashiest whores I could find, I mean bitches you would find in the lowliest, most ghetto places immaginable. I'm pretty sure one woman had herpes of the face and crotch but it was all over her body. I had a picture of Weigel and Johnson as hookers from Reno 911 but Joe Cool and Mr. Deputy were the only ones who knew what it was from and probably the only ones who can afford cable. I went in to elicit detail about the types of prostitues and the venues where they perform their services. Juarez Teenager Female was actually the only one who didn't look uncomfortable, maybe shes been on the corner so long that she's used to it. I finished it up with the pros and cons of the legalization of prostitution and used a video of Lt. Dangel and Deputy Jr (also of Reno 911 notariety) informing a legal brothel owner that half of her business was now located in another county that does not allow prostitution. It was hilarious, but I'm sure it would have gotten more laughs in Spanish.

As soon as I was finished, Mr. Deputy informed us he had a "sort of emergency" and we had to end class early. He asked us if anyone objected to leaving early. I almost told him that my blog would suffer greatly if we ended class early but he looked pretty worried so I let it go. Eduardo Scissor Hands told us all Merry Christmas and I said "Well, Happy Chanukah!" He said "But I'm not Jewish" to which I said "Well did you ever think that not everyone is a Christian? That is so offensive. Whatever, Merry Kwanza." His eyes were bewildered and manic as he practically shrieked "I'm not black!" and I informed him that he was such a racist.

The Hubby picked me up from school and took me to Peter Piper Pizza where I discovered a drunk baby sister, a smashed Momma, and a Little Bug who was demanding other kids' tickets. Booze really shouldn't be served to my family around minority children as they kept imitating the whiney hispanic accents of the children that would walk by with pizza and various other ick covering their faces.

I want to say their faking it...sadly, they aren't.

My best impression of the hair on every hispanic females face within a 10 booth radius.

Damn her and her dark hair, she mastered it.

Little Bug thought it was funny face time.

Don't let that slice fool you, she really is a pizza face.

By our powers combined, we are....not appropriate in a children's resturant and probably should have been thrown out.

We ended up with four tiny ass rings, a velcro princess dart board that doesn't velcro, a pink frog and a green frog and two sparkle bracelets. It probably cost less than five dollars to buy all that crap and we spent God knows how much on tokens. All in all it was a good night. I don't have class next week due to the holiday break, but depending on how drunk my family gets on Christmas and New Year's Eve, I may give you a blog or two. Happy Chanukah, Merry Kwanza and I guess you can have a Merry Christmas too. 

Things I'll Never Say

Receptionists. Not receptionist, receptionists. Edna Townsley was a receptionists. That statement wasn't just said out loud, that's how it was written in a Power Point presentation for all to see. Like, for a grade. Also, Charles Whitman, the UT sniper, was "killings the people because he had a tummer in his heads". I tried to take a picture of the screen, but between me trying to hide the laughter that convulsed my body and the little flap that covers my phone camera, I was unable to stealthily accomplish this.


We had to do presentations on Biological Criminal Behavior. The syllabus listed a few famous cases, such as Andrea Yates, Charles Whitman, and John Hinckley Jr. We were supposed to explain their cases and how a biological disorder affected them. Didn't have to be any of the above, those were just examples. The descriptions on the syllabus are pretty complete, so our instructor encouraged us to use OTHER examples.


I chose Dan White, the murderer of San Francisco Mayor Moscone and Supervisor Milk. His diminished capacity plea/Twinkie defense was pretty famous and there is doubt that he was actually suffering from any biological disorder. I thought the case was a nice representation of what could be proven and what was speculated in the criminal justice system and also, a perfect example of the difference between psychological theories and choice theories. If you didn't understand any of that, just know it was brilliant. Unfortunately, my team member, Joe Cool, thought it was fiction because "they made a movie about it" and the rest of the class asked if the movie was about "gay dudes and butt sex". Seriously, once the words "Homosexual" and "gay rights" left my lips, I knew I had lost them.


Mr. Deputy liked it. He informed the class that this was what he was ACTUALLY looking for in a presentation, to which one of the Juarez Teenagers (the girl) said "But ours was on a real person." Mr. Deputy actually held his head in his hands and shook it slowly with shame.


The first group did their presentation on Andrea Yates. Except pronounced with a rolling "r" and said "Aun" instead of "An". Also, "if Andrea would have just stopped having babies, she wouldn't have killed the babies." It wasn't just post-partum depression and schizophrenia, it was because she just kept having babies, therefore it was her fault that they "dies and stuff". Yes, all of that was written, but also read, word for horrifying word.


The Juarez Teenagers went next. Their presentation was like reading a wikipedia page, sort of informative, yet full of incorrect "facts". They were the ones who did Charles Whitman. The girl's accent is unbearably thick and she slurs her words together like one of those light-weight drunk girls at every high-school party that has ever existed. It was almost impossible to not correct everything that came out of her mouth. Actually, when she said that the shooting happened at UTEP, not UT Austin, I was in too much shock to correct her. I just nodded and sarcastically said "Yep, that is 100% correct." Mr. Deputy actually LOL'd and Fat Alberto, who sarcasm eludes, said "Nooo, it's cause I think it happened in Texas, but like, at Austin school." Mr. Deputy then said "Oh yeah, that's right, Austin High School here in El Paso." Unable to comprehend the sarcasm yet again, and giving in to his compulsive need to get the last word, Fat Alberto says "Nooooo, like the Longhorns, pinche UT." I just sighed and shared an internal LOL with Mr. Deputy when we saw the looks on each other's faces. I guess if I have to have an inside joke with anyone, it has to be him because everyone else IS the joke.


So after the presentations, we had to discuss the basis for the Classical School of behavior in humans. Each team was given a statement and had to decide if they agreed with it or not and why. Fat Alberto's team was given some pretty complex statements and after they said why or why not they agreed, Mr. Deputy asked what the rest of us thought. One statement was that  "Human beings are fundamentally rational, and most human behavior is the result of free will coupled with rational choice." We all pretty much agreed that this was a true statement, except Eduardo Scissor Hands. He's one of the Juarez Teenagers that wants to be a DEA agent despite his little citizenship issue. He described himself once to the girl Juarez Teenager as a "Mexican Johnny Depp but with more style." Apparently, more style means a slightly Beiber haircut, fingerless gloves and skinny jeans. Anyway, he stated that people who have mental illness can;t be rational and rational people don't commit crimes so the statement can't be true. I pointed out that the statement is saying MOST and not all, and that just because a person commits a crime, it doesn't mean they aren't rational. He then proceeded to talk himself into a corner and I verbally annihilated every defense missile he shot out. 


Wait, this isn't war, it's a good ol' fashioned debate. I live for this shit. Intelligent...well, a one-sided intelligent debate about an interesting topic....but that's not what this one was. Eduardo Scissor Hands behaved as if I had called his dear Abuelita a whore and accused his sister of aborting the Pope's baby. It was almost as if me having the nerve to disagree with him wounded his pride and he had to avenge it. He looked physically hurt and enraged at the same time and I just kept smiling and countering his poorly thought out talking points. Mr. Deputy kept siding with me, which of course didn't calm him down and he called me a hypocrite when I had the nerve to disagree with his belief that punishment is an absolute deterrent to crime. I told him that if punishment was REALLY a deterrent, police officers would not have jobs. No one would commit a crime because the punishment of others would have made everyone in the world not want to repeat that action. Does punishment deter SOME people? Yes, but not all. He told me I was a "Contraption" and when I asked if he meant I was contradicting myself, he said I was "contrapting" myself. Mr. Deputy went on to add that there is no way to say without a doubt making examples of others is a deterrent because we don't document the crimes that DON'T happen, just the ones that do, but Eduardo Scissor Hands wasn't having it. He informed me that "People who speak English think they're always righter and smarter". What. The. Fuck.


I wasn't aware that your inability to communicate your thoughts in the English language was my fault. I wasn't aware that in the United States of Fucking America, I should dumb myself down so you don't feel inferior. And what I did say to him was "You are aware YOU are speaking English right now. The whole class has for the whole night. So we must all be righter and smarter." He then told me that he doesn't know if I am being sarcastic or not. Mr. Deputy cuts me off and says "Oh, I have the answer to this one. In English because I am righter and smarter. Yes, she is absolutely being sarcastic right now." I mean, shit, even Fat Alberto was laughing his ass off. Joe Cool turned his head slightly towards Eduardo Scissor Hands and said "You do know that English is not what makes her smarter than you right?" Yeah, we totally fist bumped after that. I totally forgave him for thinking our presentation was fiction.


We continued to basically crush Eduardo Scissor Hand's soul as class progressed, even his own Juarez Teenagers sided with the rest of us. It was a little sad. His Mexican Machismo totally deserved to be anal raped, but I did start to feel bad, it isn't his fault that his culture foolishly praises every action the males in the family make. It isn't his fault that he was placed on a pedestal since birth by his Abuela, his Mami, his Tias and hermanas who told him the sun rose and set because of him. It isn't his fault he was ill-equipped to go toe-to-toe with someone like me, I blame all the women in his life that allowed him to think his opinion was relevant just because he is all that is man.


Once class was over, Mr. Deputy asked me to stick around. The Juarez Teenagers were still in the class as he thanked me for attempting to debate the subject matter. Eduardo Scissor Hands was drilling holes in us with his eyes and we both noticed. I laughed and said "You do know that this wasn't a personal attack against you right? People can have different opinions and talk about them without getting upset." Eduardo Scissor Hands replied "Well you don't have to say what you think." Huh? I was ASKED what I thought by Mr. Deputy, everyone was. That's how you earn participation points, you participate. Seeing the frustrated look on my face, Mr. Deputy said "Don't worry about it Mrs. Golden, you're the one with the A." Knowing how much that stung Eduardo Scissor Hands and his fragile Mexican ego pretty much made my night. Well, that and the fact he snatched up his bag and stormed out of the room did too. 


Maybe next week I'll go easier on him. It isn't his fault that I'm righter and smarter because I speak English.

Until We Meet Again

New class tonight, woo hoo! Not really, basically the same group of people and a repeat instructor, Mr. Deputy. I'm pretty sure somewhere along the way I blogged about my misadventures in his class. If not, here's a refresher.

Mr. Deputy is a 30 something sheriff's deputy for the county in the next state over. He's been one for 14+ years, proudly boasts that he is a Incident Investigator, dresses like a frat boy, and insists on calling me Mrs. Golden and winks at me after he says it. OMG, the instructor winked at me and thinks we share a private joke! Wow, I am such a lucky gal!

When he walked in class he glanced at me and said "Whoa I know you!" Unfortunately, he does. I've warned my future team members of his nit-picky teaching style and how he basically uses group presentations to teach the class instead of actually teaching. They all seem pretty nervous, but I have assured him he is just a giant tool. Well, except tools are useful and he isn't. At all.

Oh goodie, it's review the syllabus time. And I am the only person who printed one out as per usual. I gave my copy to another student...I said I can read it off of my computer, also known as live blogging. I just had to introduce myself to the class and boy, how many times can you say your name and career path? I had forgotten that he asks people if they're sure when they end their sentences with a question. Fucking cracks me up every time. Now we keep looking at each other and laughing. Great, we really do have a fucking private joke.

Still going over the syllabus and he keeps asking me if I have found any mistakes. I smiled each time but finally said "Just that you're teaching the class". He replied with "Nice, sick burn!" I am doing my best to not LOL at him. It's very hard. He is literally less prepared than if you pulled a homeless guy off the street to teach us. 

Okay, we are on a 30 min break right now and two of the Juarez kids are having this flirty conversation in Spanish. It's me, the kids and Mr. Deputy and I know for a fact his Spanish is whack at best. After their last giggle, he looks at me and says "Hey wanna have a conversation in a language they don't understand?" Without really looking up from my computer I said "And what language would that be?" He dryly responded with "English". I couldn't help but laugh. His wit has gotten much better since the last time we battled. 

On to teaching time...

He just wrote three discussion questions on the board and we had to answer them on a sheet of paper. As I did the assigned reading, my answers came to me quickly and I was able to write an appropriate amount of information on each topic. Okay, I was able bullshit my way through most of it. I have learned that the more writing you do when he feels like springing a pop quiz, the bigger the words, the less he is likely to actually grade it on content and will just give you a high five and full credit. Needless to say, I got a high five and 5 out of 5 points.

So far we have read the syllabus, talked about him, and discussed our discussion questions AFTER we had to write our answers. Every time I spoke, Fat Alberto, a part-time security guard who is not only over weight but a sweaty imbecile, felt the need to piggyback on my correct answers with incorrect ones. If I hear "Oh yeah, it's like I was saying wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong" one more time I may cut a bitch. I have this overwhelming urge to correct everything that comes out of his mouth. He's just so wrong. Did you know that crime happens when people don't think about things and stuff? I feel so fucking enlightened now!

I know I promised epicness, the night started out promising, but he just abruptly ended class. Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, getting out 35 minutes early is always choice, but we haven't even come close to covering the designated topics as listed for week one in the syllabus. Just kidding. I'm going fucking home! Until next time kiddos!