Thursday, December 22, 2011

It's All Coming Back to Me Now

I know, I know, everyone missed me so much last week. Fine, you missed the blog. Same difference. But you missed the blog because I missed class. I went on a road trip to Wichita Falls, Texas to pick up my baby sister from Sheppard AFB. She finished her training and got orders to her first base! And while I am so very proud of her, I am super bummed I missed class. Not because I was docked 8 points for not attending, but because I was pretty sure it would be an eventful night. The presentations were on different theories in criminology and when Mr. Deputy explained what group would be presenting on what, they all looked confused and terrified.

But on to tonight. Tonight, tonight, we only have tonight....for individual presentations. Before we began, Mr. Deputy asked me where I was last week. I told him that I had to go pick up the baby sis from her base in Wichita Falls. Eduardo Scissor Hands told me that Wichita is in Kansas. It was just the opportunity I needed. I replied "No, Wichita Falls, Texas. At Sheppard AFB. As in the United States Air Force. Something you could never join due to your tricky immigration status." He scoffed and said "No it's cause I have a visa for school". Without missing a beat I replied "Well that visa won't get you in the DEA. Don't worry though, University of Mythological Bird has no problem taking your money though." He had no words. Neither did Mr. Deputy who was laughing so hard I definitely saw a tear.

I just watched Fat Alberto give a presentation on the history of organized crime in the US. He told us the plot of The Godfather Part II. Not exaggerating. "The mafias are like family you know, but like even though the guys aren't really blood in real life." He then did his best Scarface impression, which of course caused me to choke on my coffee and after I stopped gasping for air informed him that he was mixing two different movies. He said "No it's cause The Godfather is a sequal to the Tony Montana movie." I replied with all seriousness that someone should make that a box set and he said "I know! I would buy it."

The cinephile was followed by two presentations on drug abuse. One was supposed to be about drug trafficking, but no, they were both on drug abuse. apparently, a sign of drug abuse is when a person does too much drugs. That's all I took from it....well, that and that Mr. Deputy was a huge pothead once upon a time. He practically salivated at the photo of a bong. I did too, but that isn't the point. Fucking potheads.

Okay, word of the night alert! Hairyachie. Apparently it means the same as hierarchy, but it's spelled and pronounced Hairyachie. I interuppted Eduardo Scissor Hands to ask for a definition of Hairyachie and either he knew I was mocking him or just didn't know, but he told me to get a dictionary. I informed him that I did indeed look up the word Hairyachie and that it said "did you mean hierarchy?" to which he informed me I was saying it wrong. Guess my English speaking no longer makes me righter and smarter.

He keeps talking about Al Capone now. Apparently Al Capone has had "Lots of filmographies made about him, like lots." He violated lots of Ricko statutes as well. I couldn't resist and asked if he meant RICO and he wouldn't answer me. But I did learn that Ricko's smuggle stuff. Nothing specific, just stuff.

The Juarez Teenager female is up now covering "white color crime" and it's links to terrorism. I told her that I was offended. She didn't get it (of course) and said they call it that because the rich people commits the crimes of white color. If terrorists didn't committ white color crime, they would have to rob banks and use drugs. She slurred her way through an explanation of the show "White Color" on "Los Usas Channels" and then abruptly asked us if we had any questions. I was so dumbfounded by the lack of a complete presentation (4 slides, no conclusion and no references) that Mr. Deputy beat me to the punch. He sighed loudly and said "None that you could ever answer."

I followed her. I was given the topic of prostitution. I choose to believe my classmates when they told me it was because none of them chose it and I wasn't there to pick. If I don't believe that, then I have to assume it's because Mr. Deputy thinks I know the subject well. Anyway, it was pretty funny. Aside from me blushing and Joe Cool calling me out for it. I had pictures of the trashiest whores I could find, I mean bitches you would find in the lowliest, most ghetto places immaginable. I'm pretty sure one woman had herpes of the face and crotch but it was all over her body. I had a picture of Weigel and Johnson as hookers from Reno 911 but Joe Cool and Mr. Deputy were the only ones who knew what it was from and probably the only ones who can afford cable. I went in to elicit detail about the types of prostitues and the venues where they perform their services. Juarez Teenager Female was actually the only one who didn't look uncomfortable, maybe shes been on the corner so long that she's used to it. I finished it up with the pros and cons of the legalization of prostitution and used a video of Lt. Dangel and Deputy Jr (also of Reno 911 notariety) informing a legal brothel owner that half of her business was now located in another county that does not allow prostitution. It was hilarious, but I'm sure it would have gotten more laughs in Spanish.

As soon as I was finished, Mr. Deputy informed us he had a "sort of emergency" and we had to end class early. He asked us if anyone objected to leaving early. I almost told him that my blog would suffer greatly if we ended class early but he looked pretty worried so I let it go. Eduardo Scissor Hands told us all Merry Christmas and I said "Well, Happy Chanukah!" He said "But I'm not Jewish" to which I said "Well did you ever think that not everyone is a Christian? That is so offensive. Whatever, Merry Kwanza." His eyes were bewildered and manic as he practically shrieked "I'm not black!" and I informed him that he was such a racist.

The Hubby picked me up from school and took me to Peter Piper Pizza where I discovered a drunk baby sister, a smashed Momma, and a Little Bug who was demanding other kids' tickets. Booze really shouldn't be served to my family around minority children as they kept imitating the whiney hispanic accents of the children that would walk by with pizza and various other ick covering their faces.

I want to say their faking it...sadly, they aren't.

My best impression of the hair on every hispanic females face within a 10 booth radius.

Damn her and her dark hair, she mastered it.

Little Bug thought it was funny face time.

Don't let that slice fool you, she really is a pizza face.

By our powers combined, we are....not appropriate in a children's resturant and probably should have been thrown out.

We ended up with four tiny ass rings, a velcro princess dart board that doesn't velcro, a pink frog and a green frog and two sparkle bracelets. It probably cost less than five dollars to buy all that crap and we spent God knows how much on tokens. All in all it was a good night. I don't have class next week due to the holiday break, but depending on how drunk my family gets on Christmas and New Year's Eve, I may give you a blog or two. Happy Chanukah, Merry Kwanza and I guess you can have a Merry Christmas too. 


Shannon said...

Oh Tiffany. I adore the blog. I was in Arkansas hell at this point... I am loving White Color crimes. BAHAHA... I am so offended. :) XOXO

Susan geiss said...

Your mother's not a pretty drunk. Hope she didn't barf on the way home.

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