Friday, January 27, 2012 1 comments

It Says Here

Recently, a friend of mine, the awesome and amazing Shannon gave me a blog award and while I would totally do the same for her....I am blog-tarded and can't figure out how.

So go to Shannon's Blog and be impressed with her awesomeness like I am everyday. Go. Now. If you don't, I may hunt you down.

Education Blues

Hmmm, maybe it should be called Lack of Education Blues. Either way, I have them bad. Gone are the days when I could count on my team members to at least do SOME portion of their work correctly. Long past are the hours when I would come to class and WANT to have a conversation with them. Forever forgotten are the...okay, too much. I gotta learn to stop a bit sooner. Let's just say this, if I ever doubt my decision to do all the group work myself and let my teammates skate again, I want to be smacked upside my motha fuckin head with a motha fuckin chair.

We have this big scrapbook-like presentation due for week 5. Each week, a different part of it is due and it's all about ethical decisions and team work and group ideas and all the shit that gets in the way of me getting an A. For the first part, I was able to do the team assignment myself, I merely emailed Blond Sonya and Joe Cool what they needed to post to pass off as their own work. Same for the second part. Easy peasy lemon squeezey. But for week 3 there was no such luck. This weeks portion required actual opinions from each member. Considering I am probably the only conservative in the class, it would be pretty fucking obvious if our group submitted identical answers. Could I have faked their answers to sound liberal and stupid (two separate qualities in this case)? I could have tried but that level of mental retardation hasn't been attempted since Simple Jack.

After dividing up the discussion questions that we have EVERY WEEK that have NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FINAL PROJECT....AND THAT WE HAVE EVERY WEEK, I explained that each member needed to answer two, just TWO questions about EACH EXAMPLE for a total of 24 questions and answers. It isn't complicated math. It is more basic than basic math. There are twelve examples on ethics. Answer questions 1 & 2 about each example. I explained this more times than their should be answers. No exaggeration. But what happened? I got an email from Blond Sonya with 8 answers. Two answers for one of our good samaritan examples, two for one of our vigilante examples, one for two (not a typo) of our civil disobedience examples, and finally, three answers to questions that I am unable to locate anywhere.

Beside the obvious fact that the answers were spelled wrong, not formatted, and completely nonfactual, I ignored all of this and emailed her to let her know that she needed to once again answer questions 1 & 2 for each of the 12 examples. She texted me within a few seconds of the email being sent and said "That's what I did. I answered for my examples that you did and I posted." I explained to her that those were just her portion and that she needed to comment on all of the examples that were put together in the group forum. After about ten minutes of radio silence, she sends back a text that says "So like all the examples?" Yes bitch, all the examples. Almost an hour later I get another unformatted email of garbage but I made due. You all would be proud of me. I left just enough of her opinion to make her seem like the uneducated, uncultured, idiota she is. Oh the joy of editing.

Joe Cool was my biggest disappointment I must say. He waited until Wednesday to even start his shit and then proceeded to call me umpteen times to ask the same question. What question, you ask? "So like all the examples?" I'm not sure what is so confusing about that. I even drew a little picture on his syllabus last week to ensure that he got it. It wasn't Divinci's Mona Lisa but it would have made sense to my four-year-old (shout out to my Bug, happy birthday! Don't ever read Mommy's blog!). I think the most disheartening part was that his answers were so wrong that they couldn't even be counted as an opinion. Rewriting what the example says and then saying, no joke, "true" does not count as deciding if you feel the person made the right decision in their situation. Saying that the Boston Tea Party should have tried to negotiate for lower tea prices instead of wasting the tea is not what the Boston Tea Party was about. More importantly, the men of Enron weren't trying to build a company they could "believe in for their children". The were motha fuckin thieves bro. I couldn't help it, I brought it up in class in front of everyone. I needed him to know how fucking stupid or how high he must have been to answer like that. But as per usual, Dark Phoenix was the only other person who understood why he was wrong. All for nought I tell ya.

So any who, tonight, after listening to the other groups ramble about "proscuttorial ethics", "the people who rapeded the ladied girl", "why it is importants for the lawyers to have rulers", and how hard it is for Juarez Teenager Female to be taken seriously because she looks so young (yes, that was one of her talking points....but spelled and pronounced wrong), my group presented on Ethics of the Defense Attorney. Right before we started the presentation, Blond Sonya loudly informs me that she didn't do the discussion questions that are due EVERY WEEK AND HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PRESENTATION FOR TONIGHT OR WEEK 5. I asked her in a whisper (following her yell) how that was relevant to the presentation and she once again loudly says "Oh it's cuz I thought it was just the two questions for the examples. You should have told me!" Really? I should have told you to do your individual work? If it weren't for Dark Phoenix LOLing and then trying to pretend she hadn't heard by playing with her phone, I probably would have just choked a bitch.

We did the presentation....and by that I mean, they read from the slides and I provided audience interaction, examples not listed on the slide, and brilliant commentary. As we were coming to our seats, Blond Sonya notices my hair. I braided my hair into a headband tonight (yes, I learned how on Pinterest) and it looked pretty cute. Blond Sonya must have thought so too because she asked me where I bought my headband. I explained to her that it wasn't a headband, it was just a braid of my real hair.  She replied with "No, it;s cuz it's a lighter blond than your hair." I explained to her (with the rest of the class watching in amazement for some reason) that I have natural hi-lights that come out in my hair, being that I am a born this way blond, and that's why the braid is lighter. She replied with "No, hi-lights aren't natural." This coming from the Hispanic woman with dark brown hair, blond chunks and black roots. I simply replied "You're right, they aren't natural...for you."

Joe Cool was laughing so hard he had tears, Fat Alberto started talking about how "Mexicana's always be jealous of the white girls" and how they need to "stop with the yellow hairs", Dark Phoenix did the phone thing again and Juarez Teenager Female spoke up to say that my hair didn't look like fake hair because only "negras get las weaves"...yes, that happened.

The rest of the night was a lecture on judicial ethics, not to be confused with Judge Judy, which is what Fat Alberto kept using as his reference material for every interruption. I may have been annoyed, but at least I got blog material this week!

Thinking about blogging on friendship soon. I have a specific one in mind. If any of you think you know what I'm talking about, you're probably right on the money. Go ahead and message me your blog nickname top three choices now as you KNOW you have a place in the blog.

Until next week bitches and ladied girls.
Saturday, January 21, 2012 1 comments

Dirty, Dirty People

I received a call today from Vile, Filthy, Rotten Cunt. VFRC lived next door to us in a house she rented from her mother-in-law for next to nothing. She has four children, each one set to be scarred for life because of her constant screaming and berating and psychological abuse. Her husband is a lard ass who is constantly cheating on her....yes, she is aware of it, and after his most recent indiscretion with her rotten toothed BFF, VFRC decided it was time to move the family to Misery, I mean Missouri. Misery is what the state will now be called since they have arrived.

Would you care for more detail? You would? Well, I should probably show restraint...just fucking kidding.  This has been a blog almost a decade in the making.

I have had the displeasure of knowing VFRC for almost 8 years. When my family first moved to El Paso, she was dating her now husband who lived next door to us with his mother. They were 17 and 18 when it started and before you go all "Awww, high school sweethearts" on me, they were never happy. Ever. I don't care how you re-tell your past on FB, they were always miserable and fighting. She was Mormon with criminal white trash with money racist parents and he was Catholic, entitled, lazy and the typical Mexican son who can do no wrong in his mother's eyes. He was cheating on her then too, but what does she do to get back at him? Gets pregnant.

So they both drop out of college and take off to live with her father in Utah. Over the next 6 years they moved from place to place, created 3 more innocent lives to ruin, mooched off of people, tortured grandparents by using their children as a bargaining chip and eventually came to settle in the same house next door that Jizz's (close enough to his real name) mother let them rent for LESS than what she could have. She could have gotten 1500 a month for it and let them rent it for 950. 950 that was never paid on time if paid at all. A once beautifully landscaped yard became nothing but weeds and cigarette butts and a random sand pit full of dog shit that her children would play in. Walls got covered in food, fecal matter, crayon drawings and chunks missing from a dog that chewed through them. Fairly new appliances were stained and broken with no intent to repair. The tiled floors became satined with a thick layer of scum and the carpet stained with urine and whatever liquid you could imagine. Ants roamed the pantry. VFRC's brother was even moved in (the dog was his) and a giant section of carpet upstairs was ripped up. He smoked as well, adding to the butt collection that was now the front yard.

To say that this place was a glorified trailer park is unkind, there are people in trailer parks that are very clean. Let's just say that comparing the home of VFRC to a dump is probably the most accurate description, except more filth.

So anyway, Hubby, Bug, and I have been biting our tongues for a while now. We would let Bug play with the kids, but she was never allowed inside. Ont he few occasions she would try to go in, some excuse as to why we wouldn't want her in their was made. I sat her down on more than one occasion and had to explain to her that we don't go inside VFRC's house because she wasn't done cleaning it yet. When the kids would try to touch her with their germ covered booger hands, we were right there to swoop her up and away. Countless times Bug would tell VFRC's kids that they had boogers on their face and to have their mommy wipe them, but the boogers would just stay stuck. Their hair was never done, their clothes were stained or knit by VFRC and not weather appropriate. But what really made me hate her was the yelling.

Not one single day passed that VFRC did not scream bloody murder at those children. without exaggeration, VFRC has used every curse word under the sun and screamed it at her kids. She was so loud that you could be on the opposite side of our house with the windows closed and hear her. More than once I had calmly walked next door and asked her if she needed any help with the kids, perhaps a break and she would laugh and say "No, I'm just a yeller." Bug used to ask me if I thought Miss VFRC was going to hit the kids. A three year-old knows that this woman is out of control, but to VFRC it's just because she's a yeller. I have never witnessed hugs, kisses, I Love You's, or any compassion towards her children. If they fell, she would say "That's what you get for not listening" or "Well you should have fucking listened." So damaged are these children that they actually hit each other and whisper mean things to one another...yeah yeah, all kids do that at some point, but to an infant? Yeah, they hit their infant brother. Probably because he is VFRC's new favorite and she stopped paying attention to the older three.

So after the latest round of Jizz cheating, VFRC decides that they need to move to Missouri. No family there, no home lined up, no money to move, but the city of El Paso and the state of Texas are what is causing Jizz to cheat and they need to move. She poor mouthed on FB for a while, talking about how she hoped they got their taxes in soon because it was going to cost a lot of money and then one day it was "We're packing and moving". No good byes (not that I care) but she didn't even let the kids say goodbye to the Bug. I don't know why I thought she would, she doesn't have consideration for anyone, why should my daughter be different?

Here's the best/worst part. They blew out of town like a sandstorm and left Madre (Jizz's mom) with a completely wrecked house. Three truck loads of trash and left behind junk in the garage, bags of shit filled diapers, a can of shitty toilet paper, a 50-gallon fish tank that not only hadn't been cleaned in years, but had 100's of feeder fish that were decaying while still alive and everything previously described. The poor woman had sacrificed a profit for years to provide her grandchildren a place to live and was now left with a property that was destroyed.

For the past week, Hubby, my mother, and I have been cleaning, fixing, hauling, and painting everything that needs it. We've been there when VFRC's brothers came over and dished all the dirt they had on her to Madre trying to get Madre to let them move in (Yes, the brothers that destroyed parts of the house). We were there when VFRC called to cuss out Madre for holding a yard sale to 1) get rid of the shit left behind and 2) recoup some of the cost of the damage. VFRC had the nerve to demand that Madre not sell the stuff because it was theirs. Really? You left in a pile of trash. What the fuck. Did I mention I had to clean an empty the fish tank? That's a separate blog in itself.

So today, after a full week of biting my tongue, I get a phone call from VFRC. I was at a friends house with no signal so the call dropped. I texted her to let her know that I had a bad signal and asked her what she needed. She said never mind and I left it at that. After a minor car accident....yeah, my fault, I headed home and my momma and Madre told me she had tried to call my momma too. They couldn't call Madre because they turned off her phone, so they tried us. I then texted her to see if she needed something again. This is a word for word text convo.

ME: I am home and have signal now. Do you need to talk?

VFRC: Is jizzs moms car there?

ME: Yeah

VFRC: Can u go over and ask her for the at&t internet router, and then can u possibly drop it off at ups monday? His moms being a bitch and wont do anything to help us, please let me know if she gave the router or not, its a black box looking thing with at&t on it

ME: I'm actually over here right now. We've been cleaning and painting and repairing for the past week to help her out and she's been nothing close to a bitch. She has a new phone now, you have Jizz call her and maybe start out with an apology. I saw how you left this house, you should be ashamed.

VFRC: She sold things i asked her not and were family airlooms and she has been nothing but rude to us, i had a maid scheduled to come and clean it up after we left, but when she started being a bitch to me, i cancelled the maid. i left it knowing a maid was coming to clean. Can u please ask her for the router and if anything just leave it outside the front door and ill have my friend come get it

ME: Would the maid haul off trash and paint and repair? It has taken 10 people five days and we aren't anywhere close to cleaning and repairing the filth left behind. As far as the things you left behind, we're the soiled diapers the HEIRLOOMS you speak of? What about the shitty toilet paper can? Maybe the cigarette butts? Is she supposed to store your garbage for free?
Have your husband contact Madre if he needs something. I am not your pawn. You should be ashamed, if that's even an emotion you can feel

VFRC: Yes the maid was going to clean up garbage, and cig butts, and the toilet paper was in a trash can and probably from texy, and the house was not that bad. Wow what a friend ur being. And we would talk to her if one shed stop hanging up on us and just talk and two not be a bitch back, all we asked was for her to put the router out front for a friend to come get

ME: VFRC, then your view of what "that bad" is is skewed. The fish tank hadn't been cleaned probably ever, there was filth and trash in every room, the carpet is destroyed, the walls covered in grime and crayon, the yard is destroyed, the toilet was rusted and stained. Also, do not send your friends husband down here again. (He came down trying to intimidate Madre)

VFRC: That who is suppose to pick up the router, he is suppose to get it for us. My brother is fixing the carpet if Madre would let him and he offered to paint and help repair too but she told him to fuck off, she has had many of my brothers offer to help and she has turned em down

ME: Mom was here for all of that and that didn't happen. The second you left town your brothers were ratting you out to her and begging for her to let them stay here.

VFRC: Thats not what his mom said to jizz

ME: Well Jizz is lying to you. Wouldn't be the first time.

VFRC: Well jizzs mom is a bitch and ive known it since i married jizz and she has never liked me, so i guess she just has to deal with that fucking house, she gets what comes to her and no jizz aint lying

ME: This time?

VFRC: This time what?

ME: His isn't lying this time?

VFRC: No hes not thank you very much

ME: You don't want to deal with the issues in your crappy marriage so you lash out at a woman who has done nothing but help you.

VFRC: Well just have her put the router on the outside

ME: No. I'm not your messaging service and you can't order me around.

VFRC: Really, she hasnt helped us worth shit, we maid her mortgage, her phone bill, and kept her house from being forclosed, she hasnt helped worth shit.
Well we don't have her number so we cant contact her, and im not ordering you to do anything, i asked not ordered

ME: You paid 950 if you FELT like it and her mortgage is way more than that. Be delusional VFRC. Think you were a good tenant, think you aren't filthy, think you aren't a shitty fucking mom. You pay rent because that's what you do when you live in someone else's house. You can't reach her because you turned off her phone.

VFRC: Oh now im a shitty mom? Really?

ME: You scream at those kids like they are trash, you smoke and you breast feed, you let them walk around with dirt and gross things on their clothes and faces, you're son had a bronchial infection and you STILL smoked. You let them live in filth and treat T (the oldest) as if she was created to take care of the others so you can knit.
Being a good parent is more than cake and cookies and footies, it's love and compassion and kindness and you don't have any of that. But why would you? Self centered sociopaths don't.

VFRC: Oh really? Nice to see ur perseptice of my family. Nice, thank you for your opinion, i appreciate it.

ME: Oh it's much worse than that and you know it. You have a compulsive cheater as a husband who takes no responsibility for his actions. He fucking blamed you not showing him attention for cheating? What kind of man is that? He calls you fat but he is easily 300 lbs and he's a grown man with kids who still smokes pot. He said he's sorry because if he divorced him, he would be poorer than you already are. I'm sure someone told you at some point that you deserved better than this, but you don't. You deserve every misery that comes your way. Now we're done.

Okay, lengthy and probably mean (of me) but I lost it. The second she started talking bad about Madre, I said fuck it, game on. She deleted me on FB, thank God, and even though I went at her with the e brake on, I'm sure she's either trying not to kill herself or screaming at her kids/husband. And while I won't touch on how many times CPS has been contacted about her in Texas, I can assure you I will continue calling in Missouri when I get their address from Madre. She has no one that knows her there, noone to answer to if she goes to far. She's going to home school them too, bitch can't spell but she can home school.

Setting my bitterness and anger aside, please pray for those four kids. They're going to need it.
Sunday, January 15, 2012 0 comments

The Sun's Gone Dim

It wasn't a bright day in the Sun City. It isn't too bright in this classroom either. New class and the same ol' folk and you'd think I would be used to it. Nope, I still allow myself to maintain hope that a student will come along to challenge me. And every class I spend the first fifteen minutes sulking as the same mentally challenged people start speaking. We even got two new classmates but they also have disappointed me. Or maybe they haven't, they are pretty blog-able. Let's describe and decide, shall we?

One, who actually refers to himself as Tank, is a former Army tanker (thus the nickname I would assume...although he is rather large) with three kids, a wife of 17 years who he married right out of high school because "we gots knocked up", is from New Jersey AND Peru, loves to "just kick it", wants to be some type of "cop and stuff" and confessed bringing over things from Mexico to our Customs Agent instructor, Dark Phoenix. How did I learn so much about Tank in just one night, you may be asking? Well, he told us all of this information while trying to explain why he believes cops shouldn't "get away with shit."

Before I go on to the second new person, let me back up a bit. This new class is about ethics in law enforcement, which I know I am going to love. My moral compass may be slightly off, but a class on ethics should be a dream class for me. Sensitive topics that are meant to spark debate and the challenging of preconceived notions....oh wait, this is El Paso. It's gonna suck. Dark Phoenix is teaching it and I do like her as an instructor, but I am very aware how little will be learned.

Anyway, back to the newbs. The second and final addition to our ensemble is Blonde Sonya. Ever watch Operation Repo? You know the Ursula looking creature named Sonya? Have her drop 100 lbs and you've got Blonde Sonya. Better make up though, and she doesn't wear tents and flip flops, but I looked at her and saw Repo Sonya. She even talks like her...except less articulate. She's a single mother because her "baby daddy messes around on me and I ain't paying for his other kids anymore", yes kids plural and yes, anymore. Also, all of his kids were born AFTER her kid and he doesn't work. So I am assuming at some point she actually did pay for his other kids. She was an education major and said she just woke up one day and thought it would be "way cooler" to be a criminal justice major. Not a cop, not in law enforcement, but a criminal justice major. When I asked her what she would do with her way cooler criminal justice degree she said AND I QUOTE "I don't know maybe I could teach at here or something." University of Fictional Bird hires professionals within the field you are studying who have years of experience in that field, not someone who got their degree from UOFB and have no experience in the field. But hey, as long as UOFB gets that money. Oh, and she's in my group now. Yay.

So as I mentioned before, this is an ethics class. Fat Alberto thought it was an "Ethnics class" and after mini-intros, spent a good 5 to 7 minutes talking about ethnics. Dark Phoenix kept trying to cut him off but he just kept going. What really pisses him off is when ethnic people think they can be rude because their ethnic. OF COURSE I asked his definition of ethnic people. He told me "well, not white people or Mexican people." Dark Phoenix then felt compelled to explain what an ethnic group is but stopped herself and said "None of that matters. This is a class on ETHICS". I still don't think Fat Alberto understands the difference.

The rest of class was sadly not as exciting as I imagined. Instead of these ethical questions being thrown at us causing a difference of opinions and debate, the rest of the class waited for me to answer and then would side with me. I, of course, turned it into a bit of a game and made my answers not only unethical, but inhumane and cruel and when they would fall over themselves to agree with me, I would say that I didn't really believe that and state how I really felt, leaving them to look like Adolf Hitler. Dark Phoenix must have caught on to this early on because the questions became increasingly more and more disturbing and did not match the given ones in the book. Some favorites include "If you were on patrol and you saw a child being beaten to death by a group of other children, but those kids were possibly infected with a very contagious disease, would you help the child that was being beaten?", "If in the course of a robbery investigation, you found money from the register that the thief had dropped but the owner had not reported, would you spend it at the same place that had been robbed?", and the best "You captain has asked you to not tell his wife that he has been having a gay affair for months with your brother. Do you tel the wife?"

Let me just say, if they didn't see her trying not to laugh as she read these questions, then they deserved to be made fools me. I answered the first question by explaining that pack mentality was something to not be messed with. "Let's ignore that those children could be spreading the Hantabitted you? You'd be fucked."

For the second question, I stated that as long as their were no finger prints on the money, I would buy myself some coffee and a doughnut from the shop owner if it was that type of shop. Fat Alberto practically salivated over the thought of a doughnut and began describing everything you could buy from a convenience store.

The third question, my personal favorite, I informed them all the Don't Ask, Don't Tell was not just repealed from the military, but from all types of government agencies as well and that you had a legal obligation now to tell. Dark Phoenix literally LOLed and no one caught it. We went on to have a 15 minute conversation about how they all think gays could not be effective police officers. One reason, because they might want to have sex with the suspect, another because if they get hit, the blood could touch other people and give them AIDS. And why you and I realize that I started all of this, none of them seemed to get that as the became more and more unethical, I would switch sides and condemn them for their awful statements. Joe Cool was the only one who knew what I was doing besides Dark Phoenix and he spent most of class echoing my views as to how messed up they all were. I hope no one went home and committed suicide over this...eek.

Anyway, the only eventfulness has now been blogged. Hopefully next week I will have more for you. Until then, stay classy.

Thursday, January 5, 2012 2 comments

Bad Grades

86/100. Eighty six out of one hundred. 86 points out of a total of 100 points. Doesn't matter how I write it, it's my first B. Yep, I said B. My flawless GPA has been raped by a B. RAPED.

Okay, I knew driving to pick up my sister and missing class would cause me to lose participation points (3), but apparently Instructor Deputy docked me 3 for participation, 5 for discussion questions, and 5 for my group presentation even though I made the damn thing all by myself.

I realize that it is still the highest grade in the class...seriously, the rest of them couldn't understand why I was peeved and they all told me their grades, but a B is so unbecoming. Le sigh.

So final presentations were tonight. I wasn't able to live blog, but I did take meticulous notes tonight. Not on anything that was being taught, but the wonderful quotes that make my class so magical. Fat Alberto's group was first. They were presenting on Technology and Crime. I'm sure that there were specific topics within that header they were supposed to touch on, but I don't think THEY knew that. They spent the whole seven minute presentation talking about how you can use a computer to do crimes, how the first computer hack was in 1950 on AT&T's network, the damage that computer surges can do to your fuses, and my very favorite, how the aforementioned AT&T hack was like, e-pick. I guess that's like epic, but way more awesome.

Joe Cool and I were next. We covered Technology in the Fight Against Crime with sub-categories covering DNA testing and databases, Internet security, and the future of personal freedoms in the Internet age. Everything was covered flawlessly, funny pictures and videos were added, Joe Cool pronounced most of the words right, and I just had to do I concluded our presentation, I asked the audience some questions. I asked if they felt that even thought the Internet did not exist when the founding fathers wrote the constitution, should the 1st and 4th amendments apply to the Internet. Maybe I did it to provide you with comedic gold, maybe I really thought they would have learned something and had an interesting answer, maybe I was just bored and wanted someone else to talk.

Fat Alberto, after staring blankly at the screen for more than sixty seconds, bestowed upon us this gem. "I think all the amendments apply to the Internet because the founding dads wanted their kids to be happy." I. Shit. You. Not. Instructor Deputy replied with "That's not even close to what she meant. You don't have to talk anymore tonight." Fat Alberto smiled and said "Cool, I got my participations points." Yeah, that isn't what he was talking about. Juarez Teenager Female spoke up and said "But the Internet isn't free." Cricket. Cricket. Cricket. It should have been followed with a Brooke Shields-esque bitch slap...points for a repeat South Park reference to me!

Eduardo Scissor Hands was not there yet, so Juarez Teenager Female asked if we could "wait for a little while cuzzzz he was caught up on the bridge" (yes, the one from Mexico) and would be there soon. Instructor Deputy took this time to show us gnarly meth faced people and talk to us about how to cook meth. I'm not sure if it's because I'm the only white girl or the only former cop, but everyone kept asking me questions about it. Instructor Deputy and I started making up random meth "facts" and somehow managed to keep a straight face. Did you know that if you only do meth for 3 years and then get clean, your body is shocked into staying skinny? Did you know that you can use cat urine to make meth? You can also human fecal matter, but baby feces works the best. They believed it all.

Juarez Teenager and Eduardo Scissor Hands finally went up after he walked into class, or maybe he was sauntering in a Johnny Depp-esque manner, and said "Is cool guys, I'm here. We can start class now." OF COURSE I had a retort and crushed his soul by asking he say whatever it was he said again, but in English this time. They presented on Terrorism. Unfortunately, they were unaware that I was ready to domestically terrorize them for the stupid things that slurred out of their mouths. I actually filmed the first couple of minutes of the presentation.

I stopped filming because Instructor Deputy soooo caught me. He even sent me a text after I turned it off to ask me what the fuck I was doing. I simply replied "Needed proof", to which he replied that I was a wierdo. I almost said he should read my blog, but I wised up and did not.

Here's what happened AFTER the short film. Eduardo Scissor Hands informed us that after 9/11 the Republicans made us patrol the border and invadeded the privacy with the Patriot Act because...wait for it, they're Republican and that's why they believe wrongly. Next he explained why terrorists evade law enforcement. "It's harder for the governments to find because they hide in there Muslim countries. Like, they hide good."

When they discussed domestic terrorism, ESH talked about what happened in the 80's with the guy who had all the drug power. I asked if he meant Pablo Escobar and he said "No, the drug guy. He was famous and they killed him."
Me: Yeah, Pablo Escobar.
ESH: Anyway, the Colombians, I can't remember what country, but the Colombians attacked their own people in their country.
Me: You mean COLUMBIA?
ESH: No they are Colombian but that's not the name of their country.

Also, civil wars can only happen in America. That's what he said.
ESH: It's only civil war in America.
Me: No. False. Way wrong. Civil war is when two sides from the same country, ANY COUNTRY, go to war with themselves.
ESH: Yeah, the Unions and the Counterfits.
Me: Confederates.
ESH: That's what they call themselves now.
Instructor D (to me): You'll never win this one. Just let it go.

On the subject of sleeper cells:
ESH: They call them Sleeper Cells because it's like 'HEY! Wake up, it's time to kill Americans!'

And his final gem:
ESH: Mohamed is a very common name. It's like the Muslim version of, uh, of Patrick.
Me: Patrick?
ESH: Yeah, everyone knows how much white people use Patrick. I know a guy named that.
Me: So the most popular male name in America is Patrick?
ESH: That's the truth. Everyone knows.

After Instructor Deputy told them to just sit down because there would be no questions they could answer, he played us a video from the ciriculum on sleeper cells. He said "It's actually called 'Hey! Wake up, it's time to kill Americans". JTF felt the need to randomly state that she would never date a Muslim guy about 10 minutes into the flick.
Me: Wait, not that this is AT ALL relevant, but why? Because you think they are all terrorists?
JTF: No because they are all controllings and don't bathed. The ones with monies do though, maybe of of them.
Me: Once again, relevance?
JTF: Well the terrorists have monies.
She went on to say that she knows lots of girls who date the "muslims with the monies" because they look just like Mexicans and I asked her if that means her friends are dating terrorists. She replied with "Well, they have money and they are muslims so probably." And she wants to work for Homeland Security. I smell a profiling lawsuit a mile away. Just kidding, she'll never get hired.

As class came to a close, ESH informed us he was transferring from Univerity of Fictional Bird to JUTEP. It's actualy UTEP, but he pronounced it JUTEP. I wanted to inform him that his credits probably wouldn't transfer, but I feel that if I did that, he might have stayed and I wouldn't get to claim his bailing as a victory. He's technically the 7th person that has beefed with me and dropped out. I shouldn't be proud of this....but I am. Going. To. Hell.

Until next week...
Tuesday, January 3, 2012 4 comments

Help Me Hold On

I have been subscribing to a lot of blogs lately...okay, I've been blog stalking without actually subscribing. I noticed all the ones that have a shit ton of followers all have a few things in common.

1)They are all pretty.
And not just "I found a template and tweaked the code", but full on either paid for someone to make it look like that (which my cheap ass will not do) or they actually know how to make all that html/java shit work (which I have no desire to learn how to do). I googled "Free blogger templates easy" and liked this one. If you don't like it, feel free to go fuck yourself.

2)They have a posting theme.
You know what I'm talking about. Everything is about weight loss, crafting, cooking, baking, photography, shitting on a daily basis. I guess I have a theme, if you count venting about the horrible education system in this country, also known as me being a bitch, but I had set out to do a motivational weight-loss blog. I think I did. I guess that didn't work. I have been going to the gym EVERYDAY this year (yes, 2012), but motivational weight-loss blogs require me to tell you how fat I actually am and post pictures of the aforementioned fat, which I don't want to do and you don't want to see. Two of my friends (Shannon and Laura) have personal blogs with themes for specific days and at the risk of copy catting, I think that's do-able. Except that means I have to post more. Fuck.

3)They have pictures.
I can take a mean picture with my iPhone. I can even edit it with all these super cool apps I have. What I can't do is make myself look better in them. I guess that means you get more pictures of the shit I mock and the cuteness that is my kid.

4)They AREN'T assholes.
And they don't use words like 'asshole'. They say nice things about even the most annoying of people. People leave them comments about how great they are, how kind they are, how much the blog has helped them, etc. I don't think I can make this happen. I'd have to have a full-on personality make-over and that's not gonna happen.

5)They network. 
I was reading the comment section and every fourth or fifth one is from another blogger that says something like "Loved your blog. Follow me back!". The problem with that is, if any of these bloggers followed me back, after one paragraph I would be banned. If you're reading this, you must be slightly asshole-ish or just really tolerate me. Pimp me out. Share my blog. I want followers. I want praise. I want haters. Do it. If you don't, I'll write a blog about you, complete with code name and any embarrassing story I can remember and/or makeup about you. Ugh, that's not actually going to happen because that would mean I would have to blog more. Fuck.

School starts back up in two days. The last class with Instructor Deputy, but not the last with my lovely classmates. I promise I will blog it. Maybe by then I'll have a blogging plan of action. Probably not. Happy New Year.