Thursday, January 5, 2012

Bad Grades

86/100. Eighty six out of one hundred. 86 points out of a total of 100 points. Doesn't matter how I write it, it's my first B. Yep, I said B. My flawless GPA has been raped by a B. RAPED.

Okay, I knew driving to pick up my sister and missing class would cause me to lose participation points (3), but apparently Instructor Deputy docked me 3 for participation, 5 for discussion questions, and 5 for my group presentation even though I made the damn thing all by myself.

I realize that it is still the highest grade in the class...seriously, the rest of them couldn't understand why I was peeved and they all told me their grades, but a B is so unbecoming. Le sigh.

So final presentations were tonight. I wasn't able to live blog, but I did take meticulous notes tonight. Not on anything that was being taught, but the wonderful quotes that make my class so magical. Fat Alberto's group was first. They were presenting on Technology and Crime. I'm sure that there were specific topics within that header they were supposed to touch on, but I don't think THEY knew that. They spent the whole seven minute presentation talking about how you can use a computer to do crimes, how the first computer hack was in 1950 on AT&T's network, the damage that computer surges can do to your fuses, and my very favorite, how the aforementioned AT&T hack was like, e-pick. I guess that's like epic, but way more awesome.

Joe Cool and I were next. We covered Technology in the Fight Against Crime with sub-categories covering DNA testing and databases, Internet security, and the future of personal freedoms in the Internet age. Everything was covered flawlessly, funny pictures and videos were added, Joe Cool pronounced most of the words right, and I just had to do I concluded our presentation, I asked the audience some questions. I asked if they felt that even thought the Internet did not exist when the founding fathers wrote the constitution, should the 1st and 4th amendments apply to the Internet. Maybe I did it to provide you with comedic gold, maybe I really thought they would have learned something and had an interesting answer, maybe I was just bored and wanted someone else to talk.

Fat Alberto, after staring blankly at the screen for more than sixty seconds, bestowed upon us this gem. "I think all the amendments apply to the Internet because the founding dads wanted their kids to be happy." I. Shit. You. Not. Instructor Deputy replied with "That's not even close to what she meant. You don't have to talk anymore tonight." Fat Alberto smiled and said "Cool, I got my participations points." Yeah, that isn't what he was talking about. Juarez Teenager Female spoke up and said "But the Internet isn't free." Cricket. Cricket. Cricket. It should have been followed with a Brooke Shields-esque bitch slap...points for a repeat South Park reference to me!

Eduardo Scissor Hands was not there yet, so Juarez Teenager Female asked if we could "wait for a little while cuzzzz he was caught up on the bridge" (yes, the one from Mexico) and would be there soon. Instructor Deputy took this time to show us gnarly meth faced people and talk to us about how to cook meth. I'm not sure if it's because I'm the only white girl or the only former cop, but everyone kept asking me questions about it. Instructor Deputy and I started making up random meth "facts" and somehow managed to keep a straight face. Did you know that if you only do meth for 3 years and then get clean, your body is shocked into staying skinny? Did you know that you can use cat urine to make meth? You can also human fecal matter, but baby feces works the best. They believed it all.

Juarez Teenager and Eduardo Scissor Hands finally went up after he walked into class, or maybe he was sauntering in a Johnny Depp-esque manner, and said "Is cool guys, I'm here. We can start class now." OF COURSE I had a retort and crushed his soul by asking he say whatever it was he said again, but in English this time. They presented on Terrorism. Unfortunately, they were unaware that I was ready to domestically terrorize them for the stupid things that slurred out of their mouths. I actually filmed the first couple of minutes of the presentation.

I stopped filming because Instructor Deputy soooo caught me. He even sent me a text after I turned it off to ask me what the fuck I was doing. I simply replied "Needed proof", to which he replied that I was a wierdo. I almost said he should read my blog, but I wised up and did not.

Here's what happened AFTER the short film. Eduardo Scissor Hands informed us that after 9/11 the Republicans made us patrol the border and invadeded the privacy with the Patriot Act because...wait for it, they're Republican and that's why they believe wrongly. Next he explained why terrorists evade law enforcement. "It's harder for the governments to find because they hide in there Muslim countries. Like, they hide good."

When they discussed domestic terrorism, ESH talked about what happened in the 80's with the guy who had all the drug power. I asked if he meant Pablo Escobar and he said "No, the drug guy. He was famous and they killed him."
Me: Yeah, Pablo Escobar.
ESH: Anyway, the Colombians, I can't remember what country, but the Colombians attacked their own people in their country.
Me: You mean COLUMBIA?
ESH: No they are Colombian but that's not the name of their country.

Also, civil wars can only happen in America. That's what he said.
ESH: It's only civil war in America.
Me: No. False. Way wrong. Civil war is when two sides from the same country, ANY COUNTRY, go to war with themselves.
ESH: Yeah, the Unions and the Counterfits.
Me: Confederates.
ESH: That's what they call themselves now.
Instructor D (to me): You'll never win this one. Just let it go.

On the subject of sleeper cells:
ESH: They call them Sleeper Cells because it's like 'HEY! Wake up, it's time to kill Americans!'

And his final gem:
ESH: Mohamed is a very common name. It's like the Muslim version of, uh, of Patrick.
Me: Patrick?
ESH: Yeah, everyone knows how much white people use Patrick. I know a guy named that.
Me: So the most popular male name in America is Patrick?
ESH: That's the truth. Everyone knows.

After Instructor Deputy told them to just sit down because there would be no questions they could answer, he played us a video from the ciriculum on sleeper cells. He said "It's actually called 'Hey! Wake up, it's time to kill Americans". JTF felt the need to randomly state that she would never date a Muslim guy about 10 minutes into the flick.
Me: Wait, not that this is AT ALL relevant, but why? Because you think they are all terrorists?
JTF: No because they are all controllings and don't bathed. The ones with monies do though, maybe of of them.
Me: Once again, relevance?
JTF: Well the terrorists have monies.
She went on to say that she knows lots of girls who date the "muslims with the monies" because they look just like Mexicans and I asked her if that means her friends are dating terrorists. She replied with "Well, they have money and they are muslims so probably." And she wants to work for Homeland Security. I smell a profiling lawsuit a mile away. Just kidding, she'll never get hired.

As class came to a close, ESH informed us he was transferring from Univerity of Fictional Bird to JUTEP. It's actualy UTEP, but he pronounced it JUTEP. I wanted to inform him that his credits probably wouldn't transfer, but I feel that if I did that, he might have stayed and I wouldn't get to claim his bailing as a victory. He's technically the 7th person that has beefed with me and dropped out. I shouldn't be proud of this....but I am. Going. To. Hell.

Until next week...


Shannon said...

BAHAHAHA!!! Seriously, "Hey wake up, it's time to kill Americans" BAHAHAHA.... I have no words. NONE. LOL.... :P You are not going to hell, you speak the truth. So, what did your professor say? Did he wonder why you were doing it? BAHAHA!!! He would probably get a kick out of your blog. BUT, don't show him until you graduate. ;)

Tiffany said...

I wouldn't call him a professor anymore than I would call Eduardo Scissor Hands legal. I know he has his Masters, but University of Fictional Bird hire "professionals within your field" to teach you. I would hardly call him professional either, but he was entertaining. He'd probably have a heart attack if he saw that his disdain for his students was plastered all over the internet....okay, not all over, just my blog.

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