Thursday, September 29, 2011 1 comments

Scream Aim Fire

I have the Rocky theme playing in my head. Me and this bitch are gonna dance tonight. She sent me an email saying how she works 11 whole hours a day and has to drive an hour each way to work and how she prefers emails to texts and how she's soooo accomplished. Yeah, all it was was a giant run on excuse. And boy oh boy was it catty. 

My reply was absolutely fabulous. I played the whole sweet but bitchy card. I also informed her that I'm not just some housewife who doesn't know the meaning of work. I said how fortunate I was after two deployments to get the opportunity to go to school and take care of my beautiful daughter. BTW, she looks like she would have been an 80's prostitute. OH! I have her blog name: Cum On Irene. Genius.

So the gist of her email was that she always brings her A-game, I should have emailed her (even if she never gave me her email addy), and "Bitch, you don't know my life". I thought my sickeningly sweet "Suck it the fuck up and do what I say" was an appropriate response. 

So after all the shit she wrote, this is what I got. I got a 1980's hair band groupie reject. I got a 50+ year old woman desperately trying to cling to her youth by wearing a baby doll dress (you can only wear that if you're a skinny model or a child) and teased hair and make-up that would make Lady Gaga say "It's just too much." I got a woman who tried to flirt with our teacher J-Jo because she certainly didn't understand what she was supposed to fucking present. She even said "I'm going to open with a joke". Bitch, I gave you the last portion of the presentation, we've been opened. I almost said "Is your above the knee dress and bare varicose veined legsthe joke?", but I held it in. 

I had to be smooth, so it's not the best quality, but I think it gets my point across. She has that whole no ass but a huge stomach thing going on. It'd be super cute if she wasn't a giant bitch. She had 5 slides to cover and she was so bad that he stopped her after 1 and a half and asked me to finish it. She said "No no, I got it" to which he replied "No, you don't". 

OH! I forgot to mention that Cum On Irene said she is an accountant for ATT and is almost done with her bachelors. I thought that you had to have your bachelors to be an accountant. I think what she meant to say is that she is an accounts specialist, also known as a customer service rep, which in El Paso means telemarketer. I can see how you could get Accountant and Telemarketer mixed up. 

I'm pretty sure that she just read my email response. I think she may be giving me dirty looks through her droopy eyelids. Did I mention she sat completely across the classroom from the rest of the group? There is room for her, but she waddled across the room and sat there. I just keep giggling at SIMM's jokes and smiling big to show off my perfectly straight teeth my momma paid for (I had to give her a shout out, she listens to my blog each week and lies and tells me it's good). Yep, those are clearly daggers she's shooting me....I LOVE IT!

Coca Cola said he had her in a previous class some months ago. He said she was very upset she was not the team leader and that she made every one's life very difficult. He said she even actually said "Well, if I'm not in charge, you can bet I'm going to make it harder for who is" and Coca Cola isn't smart enough to lie. He looks genuinely in fear of her. He did tell me "You're our leader and my loyalty is with you. I got your back" which was pretty sweet. I want to say "This is just math, not Sparta" but his heart is in the right place. Also, he gets free tickets to the UTEP games so I think I'll stay nice. AND he gave me a case of Monster's two weeks ago for free...I don't mind doing extra work and not saying the smart ass thing I want to say for free shit.

Cum On Irene does this bizarre throat clearing thing too. Like a freight train mixed with a revving Harley. drink some water, suck on a cough drop, take some claritin, but please, stop going "urgh urgh urgh urgh urrrrrrrgh". Oh how I wish "someone would hold my baby". Don't worry if you don't get that line, it was meant for one person in particular.

Class is almost over. I wonder if she'll stick around after and actually talk to me. Probably not. More tomorrow....maybe.

She bolted from class as soon as we were released. I figured she would. But while in the parking lot by my car with Coca Cola and Shit In My Mouth and she pulls up next to us and asks "Did you get my email?" I wanted to ask "Which one? The one where you question my intelligence or the one where you act like you're better than me?", but I smiled and said "Can you elaborate?". She told me she emailed me an apology email a few minutes before and that she was sorry if she "came off as a B-I-T-C-H", yes, she spelled it. Then she proceeded to tell me that she has two sons in the service who are about to retire at 20 and 25 years and that she appreciates my service and that our teacher must really like me because she saw his grade sheet and we had the highest score. Before I could say anything else, she said "Thanks for doing all the work, I think I'll just shut up and take the A, hehehe. Have a good night" and drove off. Even Shit In My Mouth and Coca Cola were in shock.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011 1 comments

She's A Mean Woman

I'm sure my loyal followers were not expecting a blog until Thursday (during or after class), but you get one on a Tuesday afternoon. It is about class though.

I didn't go to class last week as I had a way more important (okay, just more fun) engagement called book club. I don't regret going to book club, however, in my absence, Coca-Cola and Shit In My Mouth allowed J-JO to add two new members to our group. One who's seems willing to just go along with whatever I say, and the other who is a catty fucking bitch who needs to get popped in the mouth.

I texted this bitch THREE TIMES with my email, name and contact number and requested hers as well. She doesn't send me shit but has the nerve to post in our forum that our teacher can read and it says "I havent receaved anything about our assignment and no one listed my email addresses on the team chater I AM a part if this team weather anyone is ok with that and I need to be included". Yeah, that's a copy and paste. I'll ignore the obvious mistakes in grammar and spelling and cut straight to what pissed me the fuck off.

I texted her THREE TIMES asking for her info and I got nothing. I haven't even met this bitch and she has the nerve to try and call me (okay the whole group) out?! And from what I know about Shit In My Mouth and Coca-Cola, they would have been nothing but nice to her last Thursday. Coca-Cola even called me to tell me that they both seemed smart and that this one seemed a little miffed that we already had a team leader. He said she said "She better know what she's doing or else". Who the fuck says that???? And yeah bitch, my 4.0 gpa says I know what the fuck I'm doing.

I can't wait until Thursday. Game on bitch.
Friday, September 9, 2011 1 comments

Brain Damage

I shall start off this blog by making a very special announcement:

The world champion Greenbay Packers beat "dem Saints" 42 to 34! Absolutely FABULOUS way to start off another championship season! GO PACK GO!

Alright. I had my Cheesehead moment for the week.

Where to begin with class? My brain is like mush right now. I spent 3 hours of class working on my final test in the math lab. It isn't due until next week, but it's not like I actually listen to the other groups presentations. I know, shock, I chose a test over Farmville and the Sims.

My group presented first. Let me re-phrase that. I presented first. The Deputy, who I gave the easier, first section, couldn't pronounce the word function. He kept saying "Fuckton". He had three slides and function only appeared three times, yet he managed to say "Fuckton" like forty times. Thank GOD he won't be here next week. Every presentation I've made, I've given him the easiest part. It's usually the intro and it's ALWAYS step by step, laid out so simply that a preschooler could understand it. But EVERY TIME he feels the need to ad-lib, to put in his UN-needed and never correct two-cents. Today, it was trying to explain "Fucktons" and "bases and expinents" (exponents).

So after interrupting him SEVERAL times to save the group score, Coca Cola starts his portion. Not only does he not know that comma's mean there is a pause, he also thinks that x to the 3rd power is X3. J-JO corrected him every single time he talked about powers, which was every other word as his potion was about powers. Afterward, he told me "It's cause I didn't look at it until today and it was really hard to understand cause it's like, complicated with the math and stuff". That's a direct quote, I wrote it down as he was speaking, realizing it was blog gold. I was not aware that math is hard to understand and complicated until Coca Cola pointed it out to me. And I had that shit to them on Monday, how did he just look at it today? Oh, I know why, because he, like the rest of my team, is a lazy mother fucking idiot.

Shit In My Mouth was next. She informed me while Coca Cola was presenting that she never got the presentation email so she needed to know what part was hers. I told her I sent it on Monday, twice actually (accidents happen) and even showed her my outbox from my phone to prove it. She opened up her mail app and said "Oh, I guess I just missed it." So let me get this shit straight, I tell you I will have the presentation sent to you by Monday and you don't think to text, call or email me asking where it is. You don't check your email thoroughly? You wait until class has started to see what you're supposed to present on????? So she tries to explain Monomials and Polynomials but keeps saying MOMIALS and POLLYS. About thirty seconds in, I cut her off and handle that shit. She kept saying "Yeah, that's right" and "Exactly". No bitch, stop talking. I could have said "Shit In My Mouth is the most retarded woman alive" and she would have said "Yeah that's right" and "Exactly".

My portion went by without the slightest of hiccup. J-JO seemed relieved that he didn't have to interrupt or correct me. And that I could say "Function", "Whatever to the whatever power", "Monomial" and "Polynomial".

I literally spent the next three hours on this test. It was a bitch. You only get one shot and there is ZERO help. I had the textbook open in one window (do Macs have windows???), google in one tab, and this math solver website in another and I still got an 80%. It'll all still average out to an A, but if me, the only person with 100% (or even an A for that matter) in the class can barely get an 80%, the rest of them are fucked. My team members kept trying to ask me questions about next weeks assignment and I had to explain to them a million times that I was doing next week's test, that once you start it it can't be stopped, and that I would get the assignment done by Tuesday. They almost got murdered. When I finished, the looks on their faces were priceless. The Deputy asked if it was hard and I said "Well, I worked non-stop for three hours with every resource I could find and I got an 80%". He replied with "Shit, we're fucked". I wanted to say "Why? Because you mooch off of my brain and still have yet to figure out that Google can do 60% of the work for you? Because fucktons are complicated?", but I just said "Well, you'll do your best." And by best, I mean that he'll get a D overall.

To top it all off, I come home to a fully Fall/Halloween decorated house, complete with motion-activated skeletons and a bat that scared the living shit out of me as I tried to open the front door. Mi Madre and Hubby did an excellent job, even if it is a month too soon for Halloween (but the fall section is very timely), but I was not warned in advance of the crazy bat by the front door and I almost had a heart attack. And my Little Bug was so tuckered out from all the decorating excitement (and the fact that she conned me out of a nap again) that she passed out before I got home. I snuck in her room and gave her a kiss on the forehead and said "I love you the best" (I tell her every night) and her little hand came up and pushed my face away. Great. Even asleep, she's a diva.

Came downstairs and watched Suits with Hubby and while it was another phenominal episode, I got all bummed when I realized it wouldn't be back until next summer. My Thursday's just won't be the same without Harvey and Mike. I mean sure, I'll soon have Grey's Anatomy, but they jumped the shark a few seasons back, I only watch now out of obligation.

Tomorrow will be a fun filled morning of crafting hand-made invitations to the Halloween party Mi Madre is insisting we have and maybe a Walmart run. I'm pretty sure there is something we'll need and Target is just not worth the drive. On the upside, the weather was glorious today in the West Texas town of El Paso and I look forward to a second day of wearing my awesome Gabor riding boots.

Until next time....which may be sooner than usual, depending on how tomorrow's attempt at being Martha Stewart goes.

Thursday, September 1, 2011 1 comments

Dirty Water

Back in the saddle again. I am fully aware that I did not blog last week's class, or anything at all for that matter. I think the two blogs from two weeks ago should count for being to lazy/annoyed/pre-menstral this past week. Anyway, I will not promise comedic gold this time around, but I have a feeling that any of you that are like me will chuckle as you read.

"Are we clear?" Jaime James Olmos says outloud as he explains graphing linear equations. Some head nodding and vacant stares from the rest of the class (not me of course...I can actively participate and ignore at the same time) promt him to answer "Like the muddy waters of the Rio Grande". Kinda funny right? Wrong. He asks "Are we clear?" about every thirty to forty five-seconds, meaning he says "Like the muddy waters of the Rio Grande" every thirty to forty-five seconds. And every single time he gets courtesey laughs, which only encourage him to keep saying it. Seriusly people, it isn't funny anymore. Stop laughing. Besides, he's making fun of all of you and you're too fucking stupid to get that.

Oh, check this, Shit In My Mouth didn't show. Not only did she not show, she didn't tell any of us and now I have to present her portion of our presentation. Well, I don't have to, but realistically, I am the only one that can. I created the presentation, assigned slides to each member, and am the only one in the group that ACTUALLY understands any of this shit. The Deputy offered to help, but as soon as I said that I could do it, he said "Oh, that's good cause I was just offering to be nice".

The Deputy informed me that he has an 80%. I asked him why and he said "Oh it's cause I didn't think he'd check the answers. I don't got time to double check". Jaime James Olmos overheard this and informed everyone that I am also the only person in the ENTIRE CLASS that has 100%. Apparently, they do not realize that when doing your individual assignment in the online math lab, you can keep doing the problem until it is correct. There is no limit on the amount of times you can try. There are also these nifty little tools that walk you through the problem step by step, thus making getting the problem wrong next to impossible. Well, impossible if you are not a member of this class.

Oh, it's two hours and 11 min into class and the first group is finally done with their presentation. Jaime James Olmos feels the need to interject every other word. "Let me just add that..." is almost heard as frequently as "Like the muddy waters of the Rio Grande". I really shouldn't complain, the longer everyone else takes, the longer I have to tend to Farmville and my Sims, but he is an awful teacher. He got rid of the tests and quizes in our course and replaced them with group presentations. He said it was so we can all learn from each other. No, it's so you don't have to come up with a lesson plan. And I'm not learning shit from anyone. I'm learning it from my book and from what I remember from Mr. Kleinert, my freshman year math teacher. And from Google. Their calculator feature is amazing.

Team B is now presenting and only one team member showed. This really ghetto black woman, we'll call her Shanaynay, who is constantly saying things like "Why you be confusing me dawg?", "This shit be makin my head hurt", and my personal favorite "Naw dawg, that ain't right" when it ALWAYS is. She has no idea what's going on, ever, and she just did a problem on the board that caused me and a very fat white boy, The Blob, and this blonde haired mexican BITCH, we'll call her Fressa, to get into it. They both came up with the WRONG answer after they frantically scribbled on their paper. I, just by looking at the problem said "It's -1/2" and then contiued on with my farm. The Blob says "No it's not, it's 5". Fressa chimes in with "Yeah it's five, you don't always know" in that whine only hispanic bitches can master. I stifle a laugh and say "Really? How did you get to 5?" (BTW, the answer has to be a fraction, the rise over run to determine slope). The Blob says "It's cause I did the math" and Fressa adds "Yeah, we did the math." Jaime James Olmos says "No, you didn't do the math. She did the math, you two did some shrooms before class. Mrs. Golden, can you please come up here and explain your answer?"

So I begrudgingly walk up to the front, write out the problem and solve it and before I can explain how I got it, Shanaynay says "Naw Dawg that ain't right", The Blob says "Nuh uh" and Fressa chimes in with "You're still wrong". Jaime James Olmos throws both hands in the air and says "I can't teach you people nothing" to which I respond "Anything". Yeah, right over his head. J-Jo went on to re-explain the problem showing them I was correct but Fressa, The Blob and Shanaynay are all giving me dirty looks. Shanaynay is sitting directly infront of me and has to do a 180 degree turn to look at me hard, but she's still doing it. I just smile politely and keep farming.

It's now 9pm and we have three more presentations to get through in an hour. Team C is up, Fressa is a member. Their Powerpoint presentation (btw my group was the only one to have a pp last week) looks exactly like I made it....if I was drunk and typing. How do you take a screen grab and not edit it to fit your slide? Half of the screen grab from the text book is missing and the text they added is spelled wrong. If you're going to try and copy my swagger, you need to step up your game Fressa. Just kidding, I know she didn't make it. She mispelled her own name on her name card. J-Jo asked her if it was really how she spelled her name, and she looked at it for a good two min before saying "Oh, I added a g" and giggled. Her name is Rosalba. How do you mistakingly add a "g" to your own name? I'd maybe understand if you were typing, mispelled words happen all the time when typing, but WRITING IT????

9:21 pm and they still aren't done with the second section out of four. That gives Team D and our team (E for EXCELLENT ESCALANTE's) less than 20 min each for our presentations. Judging by how retarded The Blob rest of Team D are, I am willing to bet good money that my group will not be presenting. He never interupts us anyway. He only interupts if the group is wrong. I know I sound like a cocky bitch, but I really am that damn good. Okay, maybe not that damn good, but the rest of the class is that damn bad.

Crap. 9:28 and he wants us to combine the last two groups. He asked if it was possible and I so desperately wanted to say "You can't add perfume to shit and make it not be shit" (us being the perfume of course).

Okay, so we knocked out our presentation without Team D assistance and J-JO said "Once again, the only group that got it right".

So I'm home now. Gave the Little Bug a bath and recounted most of the night to the Hubby. Only two more classes, followed by five of the next math class. I'll be heartbroken if I get smart people in the next class. Keep an eye out for a new blog Sunday night, as I will be attending the Annual Hill's Have Eyes Festival in Hatch, NM. Okay, it's the Hatch Chile Festival, but I'm pretty sure that movie was inspired and filmed in Hatch, NM.