Thursday, May 16, 2013 1 comments

The Bitch Is Back (Part 3)

Zayda and I are an unstoppable team. I waited in the hallway for him since he's old and I knew it would take him a while to get to the classroom. I greeted him warmly, but he saw through it. "Sit with me, lets discuss the volatile circumstances between Israel and the rest of the Middle East," he said with a smile. My country is Israel for my teams International Relations project, how fitting. I told him about Iran's (Poison Pussy) desire to wipe Israel off the map. I told him about Egypt (Belittle) compromising the whole Middle East stability with false words. I told him about Syria's (GI Schmo) acts of genocide and refusal to stop being combative. He laughed whole-heartedly.

"So, Poison Pussy wants to kick you out of the group. Belittle plagiarized her whole assignment, and GI Schmo keeps picking fights?" he said with a grin. I told him that he must be a genius. Again, he laughed and said, "That, and I monitored your learning team forum this week. If I didn't have dentures I would have had some popcorn." I adore this old man. I gave him all my supporting evidence and he thanked me because "now I won't have to grade it myself." I was pretty in-depth. He told me that Israel became a free state in 1948 and now Fat Bottomed Girl became one in 2013. I smiled and said, "I feel like we should celebrate." He replied, "Getting to see you do a presentation next week without the burden of the Islamic regimes weighing you down is celebration enough for me."

I am Israel now. I am free. I posted my portion of the Week 4 assignment in my forum for grading. I get to do next week's team stuff on my own. This is like my dream class. I don't have to put up with idiots and I get all the credit. Yay me!

The battle has been won, but the war still rages on. GI Schmo and Belittle stared daggers in me when I came back in. Belittle asked GI Schmo if he was going to talk to the instructor. He looked at me still and said, "Oh yeah I will. But not in front of her." "Do you mean me?" I said with a smile. "I've emancipated myself from your repressive regime, you don't have to worry about me bettering your people anymore." He didn't get it. Why was I even closed to surprised?

We started off class with an ice-breaker. Why does the United States have a greater trade with Canada than Mexico? Belittle started it off by saying (after a very long Google search) "Um, with Canada, we have a border." Zayda said, "We have one with Mexico too. Next." Poison Pussy was up and said, "I don't have any knowledge of that." I couldn't resist and quickly replied, "Of course you don't. Heads up, Canada isn't in China." She scowled and said pass. GI Schmo also opted to pass, but added, "I've never been to war with Canada, so I just don't know much about it." Zayda asked if he had ever been to war with Mexico either and he didn't respond. I was next and mentioned a few statistics and reasons off the top of my head. Yes, McMac was closed. I don't need Google. Poison Pussy scowled again and said (in what she thought was a whisper) that I just thought I was so fucking smart. I smiled and "whispered back" that I AM so fucking smart. The other team let out audible noises implying the bitch had been burned. I desperately want to say "And not just in her vagina."

Just now, out of nowhere, Belittle loudly exclaims, "If you're going to text in class, can you turn off the noises Tiffany?!?!" Poison Pussy got really red and tried to switch her phone off. Belittle saw this and said, "Oh no girl, you're good." Since Zayda is deaf and can't hear the shit talking, I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I am so embarrassed. You know my name, but I am trying really hard and can't remember yours. Are you new?" Even Poison Pussy laughed. You are an extra in the film doll, sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up.

We have to discuss our human rights paper from Week 3 as a team before the whole class. They won't even acknowledge me on it. That's fine. I asked Zayda if I should just cover the whole Middle East since I'm the only one who knows where it is located. He laughed and said, "Maybe I'll learn something about China though." Poison Pussy did not laugh.

"Let me start because I am the team leader," Poison Pussy said. "All bow before your Queen," I added loudly. Again she looked confused. "Oh that's right, you're the only person who doesn't get it. Please, continue Your Majesty," I replied. She ranted on about how she knows where China is but she knewed (yes that is the word she used) that Iran does businesses with China and thought they were really close enough to each other. 4,000 miles really isn't that far I guess. It's like maybe a few days walk. She said Iran is seen as a leader in the Middle East and the world and that their President is respected so much that he spoke at Columbus University in New York. I didn't comment, just LOL'd and rolled it into a coughing fit, garnering sympathy from the other team. They asked if I was choking. I said that I was choking...on stupidity. Belittle jumped in to talk about President More Si? (that's her pronunciation) of Egypt. He has been the president for a long time. He was in jail, but now he is free and runs things for the Muslim Brotherhood. Zayda looked at me to correct, but I smiled and said nothing. GI Schmo kept it simple. "Syria has chemical weapons that they use on their own people. But that's their business, not ours. We don't need another bullshit war."

I cleared my throat, rather dramatically I might add, and started. I addressed the freedoms in Israel, for all faiths, not just the Jews. I mentioned world human rights agencies ratings of Israel. I highlighted the current efforts to bring gender equality to the religious sites in Israel, specifically the Western Wall. I even cited a few missteps by Israel, but stated, "In contrast to the rest of the Middle East, Israel is a mecca for human rights in the region. Though my former teammates failed to mention anything of significance, Israel is perhaps the only country in the Middle East where you will not be persecuted for not be a Muslim." I also said, "Just a quick side note. I don't know where they got their information Poison Pussy, but in what reality is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a respected leader by the rest of the world? Do you troll pro-terrorist websites and take their word as gospel?" I had hoped this would spark a fire in her and that I would get some type of response, but she said, "I don't even know who that is." "The President of Iran," I replied. "Well, that's not who I said," she snapped. "But you said the President of Iran," I replied quizzically. "Nuh-uh." It's pointless.

This was all AFTER the break. Team A presented before we broke. It was as if they were unaware that Latin America was their chosen region. After five minuets of babble, Zayda put his hand up and said, "I'm gonna call it."

During the break, the Three Amoebas huddled around Zayda's desk and tried to complain about me and said I MADE them turn the paper in without editing it. He said firmly, "I know that to be completely false. There will be no more discussion about Israe--ahem, Tiffany. After class we will discuss the plagiarism issue at length if you wish. I have already submitted your portions for further review." Poison Pussy looked outraged and cried, "WHAT ABOUT HER?!?!?!" Zayda didn't miss a beat. "Tiffany submitted her portion separately and proved that she did not participate in academic dishonesty. From examination of your team forum, I can attest that she even warned you about the many, many mistakes and you reacted rather, well, immaturely frankly. You three will be held accountable for your actions."

I had a slight skirmish in the hallway after that with Poison Pussy. I was filling Katniss in on what was going down and Poison Pussy walked by and scoffed/laughed. So I broke out in crazy hysterical laughter. She walked down the hall, then turned around and came right back. Um, obvious much. When I came back in, she was whispering to GI Schmo and they laughed when they saw me. I smiled and said, "You can continue to talk about me, or you can try to act like an adult. I'm not sure if you can spell it, but maybe you can Google it." She said whatever and rolled her eyes and then said, "You see?" to GI Schmo. He was like, "Yeah, that's Air Force for you, real high speed." I couldn't hold back.

Me: You wouldn't know much about that would you?
GI: Excuse me?
Me: High speed. You clearly have no idea what it means to be light years ahead of anyone. Should I speak slower for you?
GI: Whatever. We kicked you out. Get over it.
Me: I asked to be removed. Enjoy those F's. You know you have to pay that money back, right?
PP: Don't talk to her. She's so dumb.
Me: But I know how to spell Egypt and where Iran is, so there's that.
GI: Whatever.

The rest of class was a series of moments of them glaring at me and Zayda demonstrating why I'm his favorite. Poison Pussy had the nerve to whisper, "What's worse is that that bitch is a mother." No, I didn't choke a bitch the fuck out. I simply replied, "Maybe that's why God killed off your litters." Cruel? Yes. Do I regret it? Not one bit. Do I wish I had gone harder? You bettcha. I think I should really thank Zayda for not having a hearing aid. They may talk a lot of shit, but I get to respond which makes it all worth it.

At one point during class discussion, I asked GI Schmo if he was legally retarded, because anyone who thought that the problems in the Middle East could be solved with giving Iran a nuke must be. I asked if he had to wear a helmet when he's awake and if he got to serve in the Army as a make-a-wish thing, you know, pretend to be a soldier. He said, "There's nothing pretend about my service. You don't know war okay." The leader from Team A said, "I had you in my last class, you said you never deployed." "That's because I don't like to talk about it," GI Schmo replied defensively. "Really?" I asked, "because you used your combat experience to explain why you can't turn your work in on time." He shut up quickly and Team A Leader air high-fived me. I didn't know we were cool like that bro, good to know.

Then this just happened. Poison Pussy had security come to our classroom. She left, went and got security and then pulled Zayda into the hallway with them. I knew immediately it was about me. Game on bitch. I'm not sure what she said, but she came in smirking. She said, "Security will be here to walk me out, so don't try anything." What? This bitch is a psychopath. Either the meth or the hair dye has warped her mind. I went and spoke with the chair of my department and the head of security. My Chair was pissed. He told me she randomly walked up to security and said "This girl is gonna hit me. I know it. Can you come stop her?"

WHAT. THE. FUCK???? Chair and Head Security weren't buying it and asked me if I felt safe walking to my car. I was pretty shocked. I told Chair about how she walked back in the class and cackled while waving her finger at me. He said, and I quote "What a crazy bitch." Yeah, that sums up my thoughts. Head of Security asked me to file a complaint and Chair said he could email me the form. She told them that I followed her to her car last week after class and threatened her all night. I wasn't here last week. "Check the attendance," I said. "That didn't happen. One, because I'm not crazy, and two, because I wasn't even here." Head Security radioed his other guy and asked him to sit in class with us. Chair said a number of times that my Hubby is a cop, so they better keep me safe. This is beyond. What, I don't know, but it is beyond.

This went from you got busted for academic dishonesty to full-blown Glenn Close boiling my rabbit. When I came back in class, she pointed at me and made the creepiest face. Like, "I'm going to get you bitch and wear your skin." I WASN'T going to hit her, nor did I ever say I was going to hit her, but now I think I need a baseball bat. And a priest and a crucifix while I'm at it, because this bitch is possessed! I was just going to settle for an honor code violation, but now I think explosion sounds like the best option. Why do the psychos ALWAYS find me?

My Chair sat in class with me for a bit. He told her to sit down and shut up or leave. He told her to stop glaring at me. After about 15 minuets, we had to answer team discussion questions, but since I am without a team, I asked if I could answer the first question. They weren't jumping on it and Zayda said that was a great idea. Chair said, "Clean out your ears, you're gonna want to hear this." Poison Pussy said, "No thank you," and walked out of class. Then, she came back, loud as hell, and said "I'm so sorry, I need my pills." Then some weird fake crying happened, she answered a text, and went back to normal. Jaws collectively dropped in the room. I want to believe this was real. I really want to. But sorry, it's all too calculating for me. If you're really having a meltdown, you don't go get security and try to set me up with a smirk on your face.

Chair and Zayda assured me after class that Poison Pussy's allegations were not to bug me. She was lying and they knew it. But seriously, who the fuck does that? She's either really off her rocker, or her break conversation with Zayda made her realize she was fucked and she needed to do something drastic. A mental health breakdown will get you out of class I've heard.

I'm mentally spent guys. I have to work tomorrow and this has drained me. I am praying for a peaceful and uneventful class next week.

The Bitch is Back (Part 2)

I left my computer charger at home. As of right now, McMac has 2 hours and 5 minuets of battery life remaining. Of all the nights! I might go old school and jot it all down by hand, transfer it to here, then blow all of your minds.

I'm the first one here and I've set up my command post. To my left is my Trenta Cool Lime Refresher and backup bottle of water. In front of me, my mac. To my left, placed just enough away from me so someone else could read it is my evidence. The plagiarism check, the professional review, and my personal edit dripping with green ink. Poison Pussy sits next to me on that side, so yeah, it's for her.

Forgot to mention why I call her Poison Pussy. Two weeks ago, she tells me (out-of-nowhere) that she has miscarried twins, triplets, and what the doctors think were quadruplets. She said (with a Jodi Arias smile) that her uterus was like poison. Then she said that she had cancer "in my pussy", but like pre-cancer, but really more like a weird test result that got cleared up. So, she doesn't have cancer. Thus Poison Pussy.

Zayda usually gets here before the students. I really hope that's the case tonight. I need to talk to him before anyone else talks to me. If I engage with the Three Amoebas first, I might waste all my good stuff right off the bat. There's a certain way you address people who you know are going to be crucified as well, and I want that satisfaction. Am I evil? That was rhetorical, of course I am.

I have this turning in my stomach. It isn't nerves, more like this amped feeling I can't get rid of. Is this what GSP felt like before he whopped Nick Diaz's ass? You know what I mean, that feeling of "Wow, this guy is so unmatched that I am actually catching a high off of my excitement" kind of thing? Someone told me today that in a battle of wits, you should never engage with someone who is unarmed. But the kicker is, much like Nick Diaz, they think they've got a shot. They're each others hype men. Think Flavor Flav, but less intelligent. Sure, this may be shooting fish in a barrel, but those fish were talking shit and I am deadly accurate.

I think I'll end here. Part 3 will be the class breakdown. This way I can save McMac's life.

The Bitch Is Back (Part 1)

I had a tough time choosing the title for tonight's blog. Ultimately, Elton John always wins out, but I had some other close choices. Keeps Getting Better was the second in line, but as I detest Christina Aguilera, I had to veto it. Stiletto by Billy Joel and Cold as Ice by Foreigner also came into play, but I think I can save them for later. Besides, The Bitch is Back is the best possible description for how my night will unfold.

I'm currently taking my last ground class at University of Fictitious Bird. This might make some of you sad, but don't fret as I have two more online classes and chapters (yes chapters) worth of stories that never made the blog. Not because they weren't good, but because they were chapter material. Read into that what you will (see what I did there?). Anyway, this class is all about international relations. Seems apropos since I seem to be the only American in the class.

My instructor loves me. He's an old, hunchback Jew who is hard of hearing, yet full of knowledge. I sit in awe each week as he explains things to us and recalls specific incidents of international significance that he lived through. I kind of wish he was my Zayde and I could come visit him in his home that smells of rich mahogany and he would tell me stories from the war. I don't think he's THAT old, maybe more Korean War than WWII. Every week, it feels like he and I have this intense discussions about world affairs and that we're the only two people in the room. Well, we are the only ones who actively participate. Everyone else needs to be stabbed in the temple to get some brain juice flowing.

My team is no exception. They. Are. Idiots. The self-appointed team leader, Poison Pussy, is a daft and aging pathetic hipster and single mother of 20. Okay, I think she said she had 4, but she doesn't have custody of all of them because of her issues. I candidly asked, "Is it the meth?" but she laughed. She either didn't get it or it was a nervous laugh because she's a methhead. She is easily in her late thirties with or without meth use, has spotty dyed pink hair, and dresses like my baby sister did when she worked at a hipster skate shop (you know it was bad little sis). And she thought Iran was in China. I'll let that sink in..........................we good? Moving on.

Then there is Belittle. She's fat, but not obese, more like weird shapes. She speaks English, but that is a generous statement. She "es an ejucation major. I like to teash the kids" Yep. She also plagiarizes like a fucking idiot and still does not understand why "joo can't just use the words of the writers because that's what joo say anyway." She's not really important, except that she would be the easiest of the group to make cry. I call her Belittle because it sounds like her name and it's so easy to do to her.

Finally, we have GI Schmo. He wasn't in class for week one, didn't speak to us at all during week two (except to say "You air force?"), and week three, didn't communicate with the group at all about the team assignment, and then added his unedited train wreck portion to the final version and said "Don't worry guys, I added my part." No dumb ass, you were left off for a reason. When I told the instructor and GI Schmo that his part should not be considered as part of the paper, he told me I wasn't as "high speed" as I think I am, then sent me this message:

i said the high speed reark as a joke i am not mocking your military service, I served in the Army as a combat engineer probably one of the most dangerous jobs to have,two deployment to Iraq & Afghanistan, so if anybody who knows what it means to serve and sacrifice it would be me. I have lost best friends in these pointless wars. So as you can see i am a veteran just like you and i know war. So if you think i was mocking your service, you are wrong, I figure you would get the joke but didn't take it so well. your bad.

Yeah, because your military service is relevant to the situation at hand. He knows war, but doesn't know how to write properly or comply with team deadlines. I got 8 out of 8 on the paper. Poison Pussy and Belittle got 4 and 3 respectively. GI Schmo got a 1. Needless to say, they're all a little pissed.

That's what brought on this weeks drama. I missed class on week 3. I didn't feel good and I was tired. But I messaged PP and told her that I would provide an outline for the week 4 assignment. She said OK. Of course she did because she doesn't posses an original or creative thought in her tiny little meth-riddled brain. I messaged her my outline and she texted me back to say that they came up with their own idea and that I could do it or be kicked out of the group. WHAT? We were on good terms the week before. Other than getting a better grade than them, I didn't do anything wr....Oh. That's it. Anyway, she assigned me and GI Schmo the same thing essentially. We can ignore the fact that her plan (which I learned was actually GI Schmo's plan) was not even close to what the syllabus called for and just focus on the redundancy for a second. I explained to her the dilemma she created and she said "Do it or don't. You can be kicked out real quick." I politely responded that a simple Google search would prove me correct, but we could always involve the instructor if she wanted to be argumentative. She did. So I got Zayda involved. He informed them I was correct and said that he "strongly suggested that Tiffany's suggestions become law in this team." Owned.

The thing is, no ones portion changed but mine. They all still had a full week to do their portions, while I had less than a day. It was due to GI Schmo on Tuesday and it all got resolved on Monday afternoon. However, I am the only one who posted my learning team portion to the team forum on Tuesday. When I noted this to GI Schmo and asked for transparency, I was told to kick rocks. He said he would edit it, post it for review, and submit it "when I get to it" and then added that I needed to "be calm and courteous" if it was even in me. We all know how I feel about time lines and due dates, but I feel even more strongly about some POS, dumb as rocks, wannabe bad ass telling me where to go. So I replied.

The team charter, much like the course syllabus, is a biding document for the learning team. Failure to adhere to it will result in the instructor grading members differently for the submitted assignment. We all agreed to adhere to the charter and university rules. I'm not sure about your feelings on integrity, but I feel VERY strongly about it. Failure to produce your portion for the assignment on the day YOU requested it is a lack of integrity on your part. Holding people accountable to their word is not disrespectful, but not honoring your word certainly is.

Not as snarky as you all expected? Well, the forum is monitored. I have to maintain some control. He didn't reply. Instead, he posted last night this:

Hey everyone here is the Paper for week 4. Good job everyone, good sources, good citations and good coverage on the topics given.  Feel free to check it out and let me know what you all think. 
Thank you for all your hard work everyone.

Except, he didn't wait for review and corrections, he posted it for grading. I am irate. With the exception of my portion and references, the entire thing is a train wreck. Egypt is spelled "Eygpt" 13 TIMES throughout three separate sections of the paper. Citations don't exist and there is bold, absolute plagiarism by the paragraph. I printed out the paper, the plagiarism check, and the school's editing software's corrections of the paper and plan on bringing them to class to gloriously shame them all. Also, I WILL be telling GI Schmo that even though he referred to everything as good, I don't think that word means what he thinks it means. Yep, sometimes you have to go Princess Bride on a mother fucker.

I publicly and formally asked to be recused from the team and the team assignment via the forum. I stated that I do not, have not, and will never participate in violations of the university's policy and do not support academic dishonesty. I also made sure to highlight that my portion was checked for plagiarism and came back clean. And I posted EVERYTHING in the team forum. I'm covered. They, however, posted nothing in the team forum, so proving who wrote (or stole) what is going to be a little harder. Zayda takes plagiarism very seriously and will be forced to submit the three of them to the Academic Integrity Council. Meanwhile, I'll be free to operate as my own learning team and next week, I'll presenting an intelligent analysis of Middle East relations. I get sweet revenge and freedom.

Well, I hope that's how it'll play out. Stay tuned....

Oh, here's a taste of the edits needed to make their paper not suck:



There was much, much more, but the black ink doesn't do it justice. I should have used green, like my favorite English teacher Mr. Woo. I feared green. Maybe these people should too.