Thursday, May 16, 2013

The Bitch Is Back (Part 1)

I had a tough time choosing the title for tonight's blog. Ultimately, Elton John always wins out, but I had some other close choices. Keeps Getting Better was the second in line, but as I detest Christina Aguilera, I had to veto it. Stiletto by Billy Joel and Cold as Ice by Foreigner also came into play, but I think I can save them for later. Besides, The Bitch is Back is the best possible description for how my night will unfold.

I'm currently taking my last ground class at University of Fictitious Bird. This might make some of you sad, but don't fret as I have two more online classes and chapters (yes chapters) worth of stories that never made the blog. Not because they weren't good, but because they were chapter material. Read into that what you will (see what I did there?). Anyway, this class is all about international relations. Seems apropos since I seem to be the only American in the class.

My instructor loves me. He's an old, hunchback Jew who is hard of hearing, yet full of knowledge. I sit in awe each week as he explains things to us and recalls specific incidents of international significance that he lived through. I kind of wish he was my Zayde and I could come visit him in his home that smells of rich mahogany and he would tell me stories from the war. I don't think he's THAT old, maybe more Korean War than WWII. Every week, it feels like he and I have this intense discussions about world affairs and that we're the only two people in the room. Well, we are the only ones who actively participate. Everyone else needs to be stabbed in the temple to get some brain juice flowing.

My team is no exception. They. Are. Idiots. The self-appointed team leader, Poison Pussy, is a daft and aging pathetic hipster and single mother of 20. Okay, I think she said she had 4, but she doesn't have custody of all of them because of her issues. I candidly asked, "Is it the meth?" but she laughed. She either didn't get it or it was a nervous laugh because she's a methhead. She is easily in her late thirties with or without meth use, has spotty dyed pink hair, and dresses like my baby sister did when she worked at a hipster skate shop (you know it was bad little sis). And she thought Iran was in China. I'll let that sink in..........................we good? Moving on.

Then there is Belittle. She's fat, but not obese, more like weird shapes. She speaks English, but that is a generous statement. She "es an ejucation major. I like to teash the kids" Yep. She also plagiarizes like a fucking idiot and still does not understand why "joo can't just use the words of the writers because that's what joo say anyway." She's not really important, except that she would be the easiest of the group to make cry. I call her Belittle because it sounds like her name and it's so easy to do to her.

Finally, we have GI Schmo. He wasn't in class for week one, didn't speak to us at all during week two (except to say "You air force?"), and week three, didn't communicate with the group at all about the team assignment, and then added his unedited train wreck portion to the final version and said "Don't worry guys, I added my part." No dumb ass, you were left off for a reason. When I told the instructor and GI Schmo that his part should not be considered as part of the paper, he told me I wasn't as "high speed" as I think I am, then sent me this message:

i said the high speed reark as a joke i am not mocking your military service, I served in the Army as a combat engineer probably one of the most dangerous jobs to have,two deployment to Iraq & Afghanistan, so if anybody who knows what it means to serve and sacrifice it would be me. I have lost best friends in these pointless wars. So as you can see i am a veteran just like you and i know war. So if you think i was mocking your service, you are wrong, I figure you would get the joke but didn't take it so well. your bad.

Yeah, because your military service is relevant to the situation at hand. He knows war, but doesn't know how to write properly or comply with team deadlines. I got 8 out of 8 on the paper. Poison Pussy and Belittle got 4 and 3 respectively. GI Schmo got a 1. Needless to say, they're all a little pissed.

That's what brought on this weeks drama. I missed class on week 3. I didn't feel good and I was tired. But I messaged PP and told her that I would provide an outline for the week 4 assignment. She said OK. Of course she did because she doesn't posses an original or creative thought in her tiny little meth-riddled brain. I messaged her my outline and she texted me back to say that they came up with their own idea and that I could do it or be kicked out of the group. WHAT? We were on good terms the week before. Other than getting a better grade than them, I didn't do anything wr....Oh. That's it. Anyway, she assigned me and GI Schmo the same thing essentially. We can ignore the fact that her plan (which I learned was actually GI Schmo's plan) was not even close to what the syllabus called for and just focus on the redundancy for a second. I explained to her the dilemma she created and she said "Do it or don't. You can be kicked out real quick." I politely responded that a simple Google search would prove me correct, but we could always involve the instructor if she wanted to be argumentative. She did. So I got Zayda involved. He informed them I was correct and said that he "strongly suggested that Tiffany's suggestions become law in this team." Owned.

The thing is, no ones portion changed but mine. They all still had a full week to do their portions, while I had less than a day. It was due to GI Schmo on Tuesday and it all got resolved on Monday afternoon. However, I am the only one who posted my learning team portion to the team forum on Tuesday. When I noted this to GI Schmo and asked for transparency, I was told to kick rocks. He said he would edit it, post it for review, and submit it "when I get to it" and then added that I needed to "be calm and courteous" if it was even in me. We all know how I feel about time lines and due dates, but I feel even more strongly about some POS, dumb as rocks, wannabe bad ass telling me where to go. So I replied.

The team charter, much like the course syllabus, is a biding document for the learning team. Failure to adhere to it will result in the instructor grading members differently for the submitted assignment. We all agreed to adhere to the charter and university rules. I'm not sure about your feelings on integrity, but I feel VERY strongly about it. Failure to produce your portion for the assignment on the day YOU requested it is a lack of integrity on your part. Holding people accountable to their word is not disrespectful, but not honoring your word certainly is.

Not as snarky as you all expected? Well, the forum is monitored. I have to maintain some control. He didn't reply. Instead, he posted last night this:

Hey everyone here is the Paper for week 4. Good job everyone, good sources, good citations and good coverage on the topics given.  Feel free to check it out and let me know what you all think. 
Thank you for all your hard work everyone.

Except, he didn't wait for review and corrections, he posted it for grading. I am irate. With the exception of my portion and references, the entire thing is a train wreck. Egypt is spelled "Eygpt" 13 TIMES throughout three separate sections of the paper. Citations don't exist and there is bold, absolute plagiarism by the paragraph. I printed out the paper, the plagiarism check, and the school's editing software's corrections of the paper and plan on bringing them to class to gloriously shame them all. Also, I WILL be telling GI Schmo that even though he referred to everything as good, I don't think that word means what he thinks it means. Yep, sometimes you have to go Princess Bride on a mother fucker.

I publicly and formally asked to be recused from the team and the team assignment via the forum. I stated that I do not, have not, and will never participate in violations of the university's policy and do not support academic dishonesty. I also made sure to highlight that my portion was checked for plagiarism and came back clean. And I posted EVERYTHING in the team forum. I'm covered. They, however, posted nothing in the team forum, so proving who wrote (or stole) what is going to be a little harder. Zayda takes plagiarism very seriously and will be forced to submit the three of them to the Academic Integrity Council. Meanwhile, I'll be free to operate as my own learning team and next week, I'll presenting an intelligent analysis of Middle East relations. I get sweet revenge and freedom.

Well, I hope that's how it'll play out. Stay tuned....

Oh, here's a taste of the edits needed to make their paper not suck:



There was much, much more, but the black ink doesn't do it justice. I should have used green, like my favorite English teacher Mr. Woo. I feared green. Maybe these people should too.


Anonymous said...

UMMMMMM I am on the edge of my seat waiting for tonight's stories after class! I'm also on 12s, so I pretty much have all the time in the world and I was delighted to see that "Internet Explorer provided by USAF" did not flag your blog as restricted. ;) Don't get me wrong though. Even if I wasn't on 12s, I would still read.

Shannon {ava_caitlyn} said...

I cannot wait!! WOOT! Get those bastards. LOL!!!

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