The Only Exception

Guess who's back, back again. Instructor USA. And he got hair plugs. And they look like hair plugs. Guess who is also back? My kick ass team member from classes long past. She doesn't have a blog name yet, at lunch break I'm going to let her pick her own. 

Before class started, I staked out an area for my team, Blond Sonja, Juarez Teenager Female and Kick Ass Team Member, and spotted Big Time Army in the hallway. I jumped up to say “hi” and got the look. You know which one, the one that says “I know what you did and I am ashamed of you.” I immediately started to fall all over myself to explain why I switched, but I composed myself and calmly explained the reason. He slowly started to smile and told me it was all-good and did the whole handshake into a bro hug. He said he was proud that I learned to scam the system and that even though he should be ashamed that I took the easy way out,  I would definitely have him again and he would take it out on me then. He asked if I had my new instructor before and I recounted to him the awkward experience of Instructor USA hitting on me in front of Hubby. After his initial shock, he said “Damn, you really are gonna get that easy A. Old boy doesn’t even know how bad he’s gonna get played.” He’s right. Instructor USA is fucked in the A.

I already don’t like the other class members; they look skeezy. Fat Alberto, Typhoid Maria, and my team are on one side; they’re all on the other. When I first came in it was just TM and this guy with a faux-hawk and a purple hipster tee that belongs on a thinner person.

I introduced myself and TM and he said “Huh?” I repeated myself and he said, “Cool”.  After realizing that it is appropriate to introduce oneself next, he said "Oh, I’m whatever the fuck he said.” I shall call him Hipster Gordo. He wants to be a US Marshall, but he said “I’m gonna be a Marchall.” I let it go. He went on to tell me that the class normally has only one white person, so it would be different now. I wasn’t aware there was a limit on the amount of white folk. I guess I snagged an exception waiver.

Instructor USA gave me this look when he walked in. His face said “Oh crap” but he verbally said “Well, hello all. I’m Mr. Watts” and then walked up and said “Have we had a class before?” I said, “Yes, we have.” He winked; yes, winked, and said “It’s Tiffany right?” Oh LOL, you’re just a regular jokester aren’t ya?

In true form, he started class almost 20 minutes after the hour. He introduced himself to the class and left off the "and I'm single.” I am shocked. Maybe he found a lady right after he found those hair plugs in a back alley. Everything he said was comical. Kick Ass Team Member and I kept exchanging glances and giggles with each ridiculously obvious attempt at coolness. When he said his shtick about not turning in crap writing because he won’t tolerate it, I almost choked on my tea. He doesn’t take crap writing? My whole last class (minus myself and KATM) turned in crap writing and they got A’s.

From where I am sitting, I am staring down a bunch of Ho-skies. It’s like the Mexican Jersey Shore. One girl even took off her glasses seductively and a button came magically undone on her blouse when Instructor USA introduced himself. They’ll get names, should they choose to speak.

One girl who sat on our side for some reason, is two seats down from KATM and I. She has a pink legal pad. KATM is wondering if it’s also scented. The Elle Woods comparison is even funnier because she is the exact opposite of Reese Witherspoon. And easy 250, she has all pink accessories, to include a pink lip-gloss to the left of her computer that she has already re-applied multiple times. Her triple chin is especially prominent as she is either intentionally pushing it against her chest or it just rests that way. I’d mention her ethnicity, but as the only other white people are Instructor USA, and this burnout stoner-looking fellow (he’s apparently a cop) and myself, I don’t think it’s hard to figure out.

Right now we are talking about the first 10 amendments of the Constitution and this woman with skunk highlights in the front of her black hair, sharpie brows, and a shirt she got at Forever 21 about 30 years ago when she was 21, is saying them after the rest of us answer what they are. KATM whispered, “Way to jump on the train there” and I am trying hard not to piss myself. We are going to make all of these people want to or actually kill themselves. Someone should have warned them. (BTW she needs a name. She’s in the picture below. Reader’s choice name contest starts now).

I love all the fake Coach bags that the women are rocking, proudly displayed on their worktables. I can spot a fake Coach bag a good 3 miles away, but these you could see from space. Maybe they spent so much on their make-up and bad blond dye-jobs that they had to scrimp on the bags. I guess it is more important to show off a fake designer bag than to have a pen and paper or laptop out to take notes. I’m not judging, except that I am totally judging.

During our lunch break, we met up with Big Time Army’s class. They looked terrified. Racista sat in the hallway with a dead look and one of her teammates chatted me up. I tried to keep it positive and I did not tell her she wasn’t going to be able to hack it.  I think I have done my good deed for the week. Smug is me.

Instructor USA put on some YouTube clips. First a South Park one, and then one of animals dubbed with British Accents. I’d laugh except they aren’t that funny and he played them a minimum of three times for us last time we had him. I am eagerly awaiting the Nazi videos followed by the apologetic stare in my direction.

I snapped a pic of the Glam Squad, as I will now call them. Behold the beauty that is upon you:

If only the lighting were better you'd really be able to embrace the faces. Yet to-be-named Clown Face is to the right. What you can't see is her tapered, not skinny, jeans with heels she can barely walk in and FUPA that ain't quitting. The gal next to her is Lusty Eyes. Blob Zombie is the closest (her make-up is lighter than her skin and has a gray tint). Next to her is Mexican Snookie. They got names even without speaking.

We start back up and guess what, still talking about the first 10 amendments. It was sheer torture when we hit number nine. Did you know the government can’t do stuff if we don’t say they can? Apparently, we need to have the definition of a democracy explained to us. Not sure who wouldn’t know that, although the Glam Squad looks confused. As we finally reached number 10, I thought it would be quick but I-USA is hyped. States rights must get him all hot and bothered. We’ve had the title slide of his PowerPoint up this whole time and each time I glance at it (pretending to really listen) I keep focusing on this caricature of the standing Supreme Court Justices and I am trying so hard not to laugh. The man can put together a pretty entertaining title slide, so he’s got that going for him, which is nice. Oh, and he’s a federal prosecutor and makes “way more” than state prosecutors. Big ballin’ up in here. Maybe he switched the single line with the money one.

He actually just referenced the caricature and named all the justices for the class. I am 100% positive they did not know who they were. I tried to hide my disdain, but when he asked why Justice Kennedy is considered to be one of the most powerful men in America and got blank stares, I answered. I said he was the swing vote. Yet to-be-named Clown Face asked what that meant. I explained that four justices are more conservative and the other are more liberal and Kennedy tends to be the tiebreaker. I know that she didn’t get it despite her head nods.

KATM just pointed out to me that we are only on slide 2 now and we have 24 to go. We aren’t going to make it. These people are already falling asleep. We have to leave enough time for the Nazi video or I’m going to be heartbroken. He said at the beginning of class we would be watching a clip from a film directed by a local man that is about the murders on the border, but I think he’s really teasing. This man loves his the Nazis too much to not show them off. Maybe the video is actually about the murders on the border and explains that they aren’t by the cartels but by Nazis.

“At the end of the day, the prosecutor is gonna have to convince a jury of 12.” Really? That was his reason as to why prosecutors are more powerful than everyone. Verbatim. I have seen this man in a courtroom. He could not convince a jury of the color of the sky, let alone secure a guilty verdict.

KATM texted me that she wanted to know what I need her to do for the group work and I explained to her that in her absence, I have taken to doing all the work. After her “WTF?” she said that she pulls her weight and is totally helping. I assured her that I have done it for so long now, that it’s habit. I am almost done with all the group work to be honest. She said, “That’s what I thought. One of them said it’s because you’re so nice and I thought ‘No bitch, you must be dumb’.” Yeah, she hit that on the head. If she’d just pick a damn blog name already, we’d be cool…LOL.

He just asked if we feel that 2.5 million people out of 310 million is too many to be incarcerated. No one thought so. So he asked if it isn’t enough and I said, “I think that the problem lies in the sentencing process. People are granted probation who SHOULD be incarcerated and people who would have taken advantage of probation and changed, are incarcerated. Yet to-be-named Clown Face said “Oh yeah it’s true because this guy was harassing my daughter when she was 11 and all they did was give him the ankle thingy. But then I heard on the news that he killed his grandpa.” The story has gotten more intense. Apparently, this kid was a sociopath. He followed the little girls in the neighborhood around and would try to touch them, threatened people with sickles, tortured animals; basically every evil kid from Law & Order rolled into one. But they let him go because he was 11. Good job Sun City.

Fat Alberto started to compare it to “this lady who called about some dogs but the man, the animal control man, he said he couldn’t take away the dogs because they didn’t kill nobody yet.” I am still unsure how any of that applies to incarceration and probation. I don’t think he knows either. I-USA did do a pretty decent whiny Sun Cit-ian impression and I have to give him props; it was pretty funny. It was executed with complete disregard for any of the present whiny Sun Cit-ians.

We have less than 52 minutes to go and we have reached slide 8. I give him about 10 more minutes before he turns it off and replaces it with a Nazi flick. I just realized I-USA has no eyebrows. He’s a brunette so they aren’t just really light. He. Has. No. Eyebrows. He has a goatee though. The imbalance of it all is so distracting. He’s going to think I’m checking him out now. Maybe that’s why his wife left him, she couldn’t handle it anymore. Who would blame her? Could you stare at an eyebrow-less man for the rest of your natural life? Apologizees to any of you that have some type of condition that makes you lose your eyebrows, but seriously, with everything he doesn’t have going for him, he needs eyebrows. Maybe that’s where the hair for his back alley plugs came from.

The sleeves are rolled up now and he has loosened his tie. I feel like I am about to hear a Pentecostal, Hell-fire and Brimstone sermon. He’s using the front table like it’s a podium. Maybe if he were this animated in court, he’d win something. I want to tell him to stop wasting his energy. These people are not learning anything, nor do they care to. He for sure has a man-crush on Justice Scalia. He even said that it upsets him when people try to act like Scalia is a “conserva-Nazi” because he has made some of the most liberal opinions. That may be the only Nazi reference I get tonight. I can still get behind that. Who doesn’t love Justice Scalia?

He asked if this country was ready to elect a Mormon president. I said yes, but the rest of them said no. I-USA said that we might be surprised as a lot of people didn’t think we would ever have a Catholic president, but President Kennedy was elected, although barely. I said, “Well, it’s amazing what dead people in Chicago can do for an election.” He and KATM were the only ones who laughed. I think I just secured my A. As KATM said, he loves me. He also told us we probably wouldn’t have time for the movie and Yet to-be-named Clown Face actually cried out “Oh no but I wanted to see it!” Not ironically or sarcastically mind you. She was genuinely upset that he isn’t going to play it. I want her to cry to see how far her mascara will run. Probably to the border. See what I did there? You liked it.

Fat Alberto just informed us that the 6^th amendment says that you can get a jury that is on your side. He tried to clarify but stayed with that statement. I-USA attempted to make sense of it, but even he failed. KATM was able to interrupt and informed us that she believed he was referring to the jury selection process. Defense attorney’s can choose jurors as well, and while I have no doubt that was what he read and meant, the look on his face said that is not what he understood. Pobresito.

It’s 2143 and we are powering through the slides. He hasn’t cut it off to showcases his the Nazis. Color me disappointed. Stoner White-boy Cop tried to make a joke about Justice Ginsberg right after I cracked one that got lots ‘o laughs. His flat lined, even after he repeated it. Doesn’t he know there can be only one funny white person in the class? Is his name Tiffany? Then shut the fuck up and play the Supporting Actor. There is only one Oscar given for the lead buddy. Well, two, actor and actress. Whatever, it was funnier in my brain.

Fingers crossed I get a Goose-step instructional video or something Nazi related coupled with the stare next week. If not, I’m going to be very disappointed I switched classes. Oh and I have given KATM a name since she didn’t choose one. She’s going to be Katniss. That’s what KATM reminded me of and if this were The Hunger Games, she’d be a serious killin’ machine. Good night all.

Sister Golden Hair

I think it is finally time to accept what my mother has always suspected. I am a magnet for assholes. Not funny assholes mind you, just plain old assholes. If they were funny, I wouldn't mind so much. I would be surrounded by my peeps if that were the case. But alas, if there is an asshole withing 10 miles of me, they're gonna find me and attempt to fuck up my day. Thank goodness I tend to misplace my filter in these instances or they just might succeed.

Let me tell you about my Tuesday, or rather, my Monday since that's where it all started. Little Bug took a nap in our room on Monday. I didn't intend for it to happen, but she crashed hard and Hubby was at the gym and well, I know not to move a sleeping babe...especially if that babe is getting to big to carry when she's dead weight. I let her crash. Gave me a chance to catch up on some things....like a nap. Hubby came home from the gym and asked what that smell was. I thought about replying "Your upper lip" since he woke me, but I took a whiff and realized....Little Bug peed the bed. We ALWAYS make her use the potty before any sleepy time to prevent such occurrences, but since I suck at life, my mattress sucked up urine.

Hubby gave her a bath, I scrubbed the mattress and Little Green Machined it up, washed the sheets and then, hours later when we discovered there was still that smell, covered the whole mattress with carpet cleaner and decided to let it soak over night. We finally settled down for bed at about 1230 am, me taking the guest room bed and Hubby the couch. The guest bed is a full and he moves way too much for me to put up with sharing such a small space. I should have taken the couch. The guest bedroom is the hottest in the whole house. It gets sunlight all-day and it's upstairs so all the heat that rises seems to congregate there. Hubby was downstairs with the cool tile floor and right under an AC vent. I should have figured I got screwed in the deal when he all too willingly offered up the guest room.

I tossed and turned all night. At one point, I picked up my Kindle and tried to read some Jane Austen to knock me out, but that failed as I switched over to Fifty Shades of Grey. At about 0345 or 0400 Little Bug came into the room and said "I found you, can I sleep with you?" as she was wedging herself into the crook of my arm. Little sleep was had by moi.

The rest of the morning was a blur of laundry, dishes, playing Avengers with Little Bug and eagerly awaiting her nap. It came and I realized I had to make a Walmart run. Anyone who has been to any Walmart EVER can attest that the aforementioned run is less than pleasant, but coupled with lack of sleep and a bad hair day, it can be disastrous. I'm not saying I was lookin' for a fight, but I was ready for one.

I get there and snag a primo second from the front parking spot. I giddily park, pop the trunk, grab my awesome Eco cart bag, and head inside. I started in produce and made my way through the store snagging what I needed and was making pretty good time. By the time I hit the bread isle, I had everything I needed and decided to squeeze in a quick look to the hair accessory isle. I needed hair elastics and while our Neighborhood Market NEVER seems to stock the blond colored ones, I was feeling pretty lucky. As I rounded the corner of the isle, I spotted them and almost let out and excited shriek. I composed myself and walked toward them...and toward two rather large women in bright purple and hot pink scrubs that said trainee for some fly-by-night technical college. The one in the purple was Hispanic with her black hair scrunched with too much hair gel to create only a slight curve in the strands. I think she was trying for curls, maybe waves, but it looked like someone splooged in it and she didn't wash it. Add her staggering height (5'11" if she was a foot), the sharpied-on eyebrows, butt-crack lip-liner, and a cart that contained chips, soda, and Hostess cakes (more than one box) and that completes Pendeja numero uno. Oh, and size 4XL at a minimum on those scrubs. Pendeja numero dos wore the hot pink scrubs (3XL...she was the hot friend I guess) and was barely 5'3". Her hair was just as black as Numero Uno and in this weird side pony that only young girls or a 1980's Jazzercizer can pull off. I mean literally on the side of her head, ABOVE her ear. Her face was equally as chola as the first ones, she stood next to the end of the cart and right in front of the hair elastics.

So I did what any person does when facing two hungry hippos, I waited patiently for them to move. When an agonizing two minutes of listening to them agonize over what brand of bobby pin was better and how they should have purchased smaller scrubs since theirs were so loose (they weren't), I said excuse me and tried to reach in for the hair elastics. As my hand is clearly headed for the blond color bands, Numero Dos snatches up the bands and says to her heifer friend "Oh, it's cause I needed some hair ties too." As they were the ONLY blond colored bands, I was aghast at the irony of a raven haired woman wanting blond bands when there was a plethora of black ones. Determined to not have my otherwise uneventful shopping excursion ruined, I cleared my throat and putting on my best polite voice asked "Excuse me, do you think maybe I could get those? You know, since I am a blond and they are blond?" She stared at me blankly and I continued "There's just so many darker bands and only the one blond one, so...." I trailed off because my gaze became fixated on Numero Uno's large fist that became suddenly clenched and butt-crack lips that became pursed. Numero Dos simply said "I like these cause they show in my hair" and waddled away, leaving the bobby-pins untouched, mind you.

Cunt. That's what I thought, though I was almost tempted to utter it aloud. My self-preservation instinct kicked in and it stayed a thought. I straightened up and headed to the checkout nearest me and was pleasantly surprised that only one woman was in line. If I couldn't get the Holy Grail of hair elastics, I would at least be out of the store quickly. Unfortunately, Numero Uno and Dos must have had seen the line as well and attempted to run (more like toddle) towards the checkout. As my thighs rubbing together does not slow me down, I swiftly swooped into the line a good 15 feet ahead of them. I did a victory dance in my head and let out a barely audible "Bam!" The lady in front swiped her card and the cashier told her that it didn't read and he would have to swipe it. Numero Uno snickered and said "Fucking gringa got her card declined." I ignore her and wait as the cashier swipes the card on his side and it goes through with no issues. I smirked and said to no one in particular "Fucking gringa's card works just fine."

The cashier started swiping my items and sees my Eco-AWESOME bag and asks if he can just set the items on top of the bagging area or if I would like him to bag them. I say "Oh thank you, but I can bag them myself. On top of that is fine." He says your welcome and slows his scanning to allow me to organize everything. I turn my back to the Gorillas and as I am placing the items in the bag, I feel this looming presence over me. I turn to almost run straight into Numero Dos, all up in my personal space. If she had a dick (which I am not sure she didn't), I would have been pressing sexual assault charges. I say "Excuse you" and she barely moves a few inches whilst rolling her eyes at me. I swipe my card, momentarily forgetting that the cashier had said it wasn't reading and I apologize for my absentmindedness. He says "No problem" and as he swipes my card on his side, he asks if it will be credit or debit. I say debit and start to put in my pin, but stop short of the first digit as Numero Dos is breathing on me.

Me: Excuse me, but where I come from, there is such a thing as manners and personal space. You have no manners and you are violating my personal space, so could you kindly step the fuck off? (I may or may not have channelled my girl S and added some southern sweetness to it)
Dos: Beetch, I'm from here. I'm an American. Phssh.
Me: Oh honey, I didn't question your immigration status, just your upbringing.

I think the cashier would have high-fived me if I had stuck my hand out. Shit, I would have high-fived myself if I stuck my hand out. I pushed in my pin, accepted a smile and my receipt from the cashier, and coolly put on my Ray Bans. As I swung my super sleek Coach bag over my shoulder, I couldn't help but cherish the Rhino jaws now firmly on the floor. I walked out of the store towards my car and in my mind, I was Salma Hayek walking away from that explosion in Desperado. I was Matthew McConaughey's Wooderson parting the doors of the Emporium Pool Hall. I was the title sequence of Reservoir Dogs. Nailed it bitches. My high from the asshole pwn-age was so high, I chose to ignore the fact that my exit from the parking lot was delayed by the Safari Animals taking years to walk past my car.

I'm debating whether or not to tell you about T-Ball practice and the asshole dads that Coach Tiffany had to incur. My compulsive need to paint a vivid portrait of today's events has led to a rather long blog post. Ugh, I can't be a cock-tease but that'd be at least another 1,000 words, so just know, should the Diablos (our team) parent's ever choose to start a street gang, don't run up on us motha fuckas.

I know Time Warp Tuesday got the most (and only) votes, but I was inspired and who am I to look a gift horse, or Rhino, in the mouth? See you all Thursday.

I'd Love to Change the World

...but I'll start with my blog. New layout, feel more me than that shiny, happy thing I had up before. Tell me what you think in the comments or via FB or Twitter. It took a really long time because I have no idea what the fuck I am doing....so you better say it's awesome.

Also, still taking suggestions for a theme for my soon-to-come Tuesday and Saturday blogs. Thursday is unofficially a "Thursday Thrashing" if that helps you. I'd kind of like to have a more generalized blog post on the other two days, but if someone offers an awesome recurring theme, then I will so be down with that.

One last thing, if any of you that read this know how to create a photo header, I'd love some help...or you can make this into one for me:

Thanks peeps.

Sing for Your Supper

Last night of KiKi Quiver Bone's class and we're having a potluck. Yes, that's right, a potluck. And shockingly, it was NOT Fat Alberto's idea. KiKi said that every class she teaches brings stuff for the last night and even though my group was all for just presenting and bouncin', but no, we must break bread.

I picked up a Raspberry Swirl from Starbucks as they are simply not worth any effort it would take to make something or get out of my car. Blond Sonya and Juarez Teenager Female both brought chips and that was only because I texted them and said we should bring shit. I figure if everyone is stuffed, they won't pay too much attention and we can get the fuck out of here. Fat Alberto brought a salad. Yep, you did not misread. He actually announced via the class forum that he would be bringing salad.

"Hey class, well the food that i decided to take to class for Thursday's class is going to be a salad. Im a gonna take a salad for the class. I hope this is good. 

See you guys Thursday. 

Alberto"

He actually include his last name as well. Very formal of him. And it wasn't really a salad. It was macaroni salad, homemade....so obviously I will not be eating it. The sweat from his bald fat head might have dripped in it. The rest of them brought things like plates, drinks, pizza, and more chips. Typhoid Maria also brought chips but you'd think they were dipped in gold. She keeps mentioning them. "Oh I just brought chips but they ARE delicious." No bitch, their no different than the other fifteen bags of Limon chips.

Break, break, break. Fat Alberto is talking about one of HIS patients from the hospital where he has been promoted from security guard to doctor. "This woman that was there, you know, in the hospital, you know, she went crazy because her husband and dad were killed in Juarez, you know, and the state paid for her crazy time." I couldn't resist and added a "you know." He looked at me point blank and said "Yeah, I know right?" but not sarcastically. I don't know how people getting killed in Juarez would get money from the TEXAS victim compensation fund, but you know, he knows.

It's 1932 hrs and we have STILL not presented. KiKi has a presentation on the projector but we're not really discussing it, just shooting the shit. But we're only doing that because Fat Alberto is on his eighth slice of pizza. We don't mind staying late so you can get fatter. I just want to present first and be amazing, sit through everyone else's crap, and then go home. 

Aw shucks, just found out Fat Alberto will not be in our next class. Typhoid Maria will be all by her lonesome. This makes me smile.

Whoa, Semper Fucking Idiot JUST walked in. He said "I was in court testifying for a very important case." No one asked, he just announced. KiKi rolled her eyes and moved on. I cannot fucking stand him. He sits up against his table and his fat, saggy man tits are resting on it like a shelf. He has on a Dropkick Murphy's shirt, let's be safe and assume he does NOT know who they are. He also has on a green Boston Red Socks hat. The shirt is gray with green lettering and he has on black track pants. Yeah, you wore that to court, I am so sure. I just fucking love people who wear a sport team's hat because it matches, not because they're a fan. Let me see a fucking SF Giants hat or a Packers hat on his head and I might be losing my shit on a cop. He's got the clock tower glasses on too. If he wasn't tragically fat and had on skinny jeans, he could pass for a Sun City Hipster. I hate hipsters.

Typhoid Maria and Fat Alberto are whispering in Spanglish about me. I know it. Not because I'm paranoid but because I am definitely the only guera (Wetta) in the class. And I also heard a "Tiffania" once or twice. You sit one seat away from me, I can hear you. From what I gather, Fat Alberto thinks that when I switched my instructors for our next course, I bumped him out. I guess I have more pull than I thought. I wanted to interject and tell them that while I may be a scheming bitch 98% of the time, there were several open slots for the course and I did not in fact "bump" him. We all know it would be a waste of breath.

Moment of the night:

KiKi brought up the case where the baby sitter put that kid in a washing machine in the great state of New Jersey. While it is sickening and awful, things you do expect from New Jersey, I bring this up because of what Fat Alberto said about it. 

FA: Oh Tiffania, you'd probably go all loca and kill her huh?

Me: Excuse me? My name is Tiffany.

FA: That's what I said. But you know, you would, you know, kill that baby sitter huh?

Me: Actually Fat Alberto, I would let the justice system handle it because people who harm children tend to get theirs in prison and as the child lived, it would need me to take care of it. No one is worth being separated from my child. But I find it amusing that YOU of all people seem to think so little of me. 

(My whole team and the Racista's team are dying of laughter at this point)

FA: No, you know, it's cause you like guns and republicans and stuff.

KiKi: I like guns and republicans and stuff. Does that mean you think little of me too?

FA: No, you know, it's like, you know, because (points to his arm) like your colors and stuff.

Me: I hope you mean the colors red, white and blue because we are so patriotic to believe in this countries legal system because if you mean because we are Caucasian...

FA: Ay no! I didn't mean that, you know.

Me: What exactly do I KNOW? Because I'm pretty sure YOU telling me what I know every other word is the most annoying thing anyone in this class does.

FA: Wait, huh?

Me: It must be so hard to be you.

Somewhere amongst all of that, we presented. I volunteered my group to go first. I love stealing others' thunder. We all essentially had the same topic so going first not only set the bar high, it also allowed me to see the defeat on every one's faces. I'm easy to please like that.

Next week I will start with Instructor AUSA again. Should be pretty easy since last time he either starred at my rack or played Nazi videos. Night all.

ALMOST FORGOT! I snapped a pic of Typhoid MAria and the top of Fat Alberto's head.

You know you like her Suri Cruise bob. If I see Fat Alberto again, you WILL get a full shot.

No Lies, Just Love

Disclaimer: Shit's about to get real. You have been warned.

If I post a link to my blog on FB and you choose to click it and read what the blog says, please do not have the audacity to passive aggressively talk about what you can or cannot believe what some people would put down in writing.

Don't real world LOL (Thanks McCord for that term) as you read but then snarkily say that what I write could be misunderstood and that I should be considerate of others' feelings.

How about you man or woman the fuck up and say shit to my face....like I am sort of but not really doing right now? Seriously people, if you know me in real life, you should fully aware that I pull no punches. Wait, I guess by not naming some of you hypocritical bastards I technically AM pulling punches...but y'all get what I'm saying.

I don't force any of you to read my blog. I may strongly suggest that you read it, like it, comment on it, follow it, etc. under threat of making you blog fodder, but the majority of you read/like/comment/follow because we're friends and I make you laugh. You know I would never write anything terrible about you and not just because I would have to come up with more blog names. I want readers that WANT to read this mush that comes from my twisted mind, not FB/Twitter/Blog stalkers that are looking for a reason to be offended.

Also, I have been wanting to write more; not just Thursday thrashings as I have come to call them. I've been thinking about making myself a blog schedule. Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday blogs. Thursday would be about school (of course) but I am taking suggestions for Tuesday and Saturday. I will also be having a guest blogger once a month. I know some crazy ass ladies (and gents) who I would love to feature. Not all of them have their own blog, but they either inspire me, scare me, or make me laugh and I would love to share that with my people. BTW, some of my followers also have blogs. L, S, and Ana are some of them and I read there stuff. Each one is different but they are all much nicer than I and if you're looking to get all up in this blogger thing, I would check them out.

Okay, that's my rant. I would appreciate any suggestions or comments via here or FB. If not, eh, I won't threaten you...THIS time. Also, every blog title is a song. Most of the time I pick good ones that don't just apply to the blog

Stand by for my Thursday Thrashing.

Sweet Escape

Fat Alberto is at it again. He knows everything about anything and is determined to share it no matter what. Tonight we started out by talking about DWIs/DUIs. I know what you’re thinking, he knows about them because he’s had one, but that’s not the case. He knows all about the subject of drunk driving because; get this, someone told him. He doesn’t remember whom, but someone did tell him.

According to him, in the state of Texas you DO NOT have to do a Breathalyzer test. The cop will just take you to the place (yeah, the place) and you can tell the lawyer people that you don’t want to and they let you go. “They let you go because, you know, they don’t have the proofs that you were drinking because they didn’t steal your breaths, you know.”  KiKi Quiver Bone wanted to correct him, it was written all over her face, but she deferred to me.

To say that I enjoyed telling him just how wrong he was is like saying that sex feels good.  I think I exuded radiance. If you turned off the lights, I would have glowed. My smile was bigger and bigger with every point I disproved. Every time he tried to interject, I held up my finger emphatically as if to say “Shut the fuck up, adults are speaking.” There were a few times when he seemed to cower in his chair. Yeah, I liked it.

We moved on to concealed weapon laws. Racista told us a story about a gun her ex-boyfriend (the crazy cop) gave her and how when her house got searched by the cops, they told her she stole a cops gun. But her house was searched by accident. Oh, because search warrants get issued by accident all the time…well this is the Sun City, that’s actually plausible. However, you have a crazy ass ex-boyfriend who has abused his power to stalk you MULTIPLE times, so I’m thinking this wasn’t an accident. And why the fuck would you take a gun from him? You didn’t think “Hey maybe I shouldn’t take a gun from my disgruntled ex who’s a cop” or “Maybe this is a set up”.

KiKi is hiving the fuck out. She’s the white version of the Hulk. I’d be right there with her except at this point, Racista is fucking asking for it. She knows what to do, she doesn’t seem scared, and she is CLEARLY relishing the attention she’s getting from everyone about this. I almost want to find out his name to give him a head’s up. Like “Bro, you’re ex is trashing you and saying you’re a dirty cop.” There is a part of me that keeps thinking there is a chance she’s telling the truth, maybe that’s why I haven’t tracked his ass down. It just seems so….so much like bullshit. I find it pretty hard to believe that you would so nonchalant about the safety of yourself and your child. Or maybe she is. Maybe this is normal behavior where she comes from.

We just broke for lunch and Semper Fucking Idiot sauntered in. I guess he’s too busy and important to show up on time. I can’t wait to get him all riled up again. His neck fat jiggles when he’s raging out and it makes me chuckle. He keeps staring at me, like he wants to say something but suddenly forgot his words.

Somehow we got to talking about the Texas Seven and Semper Fucking Idiot puffed up his chest and added his input. This is WORD FOR WORD what he said:

SFI: When that shit went down, it was intense. They took forever to find them.

First of all, according to his own bio he gave the first day of class, he was not a local cop then. Second of all, KiKi was one of the prosecutors of two of the escapees and was placed under police protection when they escaped, so she kind of knows what she’s talking about. Thirdly, they were apprehended within a month, that isn’t really forever. You all know me, I have to wave the bullshit flag.

Me: You worked that case?

SFI: Well, yeah, I mean, I know about it.

Me: Well most of the country KNOWS about it. I KNOW about it, doesn’t mean I worked it.

SFI: I KNOW about it too. They were arrested in El Paso County.

Me: Yeah, El Paso County COLORADO.

SFI: No, El Paso County TEXAS.

KQB: No, El Paso County Colorado.

SFI: Well I know some guys that worked it and arrested them here.

Me: Then you know some guys who lied. They caught them in Colorado. And you said you were still in the Marines then. So you lied to.

SFI: I didn’t say I worked it. You said those words. Not me.

Me: But you implied those words.

SFI: I don’t know what that means. Now you’re making stuff up.

Me: I’m making up the word implies? Or I’m making it up that you implied something?

SFI: Yeah those.

Me: Those what?

SFI: Whatever.

Me: And they let you carry a gun.

SFI: Well, yeah, I’m a cop.

Me: (to KiKi) Next slide please.

It’s like I am a magnet for these people. God forbid I have a class of NOT idiots. Or a blog that isn’t mistaken for that of a Catholic Santorum supporter (some of you will get that). I checked out after that. I figured anything else that anyone else could say would fail in comparison.

Before I end this, let me inform you all that I am a woman named Alice and a minority. All of you are part of "The Insidious Liberal Plan to Infiltrate and Indict the Tea Party". My followers that have blogs don't actually write them. They are all robots carefully crafted to seem like caring housewives and mothers, but they're really spies for Obama. Click the link, you'll see. Anyone who has met me in real life was a part of the conspiracy as well because I don't really exist, so you must be lying. And because I am sure that crazy asshole PolitiJim will read this searching for more clues to the conspiracy he's created, let me state that was all SARCASM. 

Next week I'll recap the end-of-class potluck we are being forced to have. Or maybe I won't. I may post this blog full of detail and then disappear without any explanation because that's what robot blogs do.

Don't Stand So Close to Me

Or sit. Or breathe. I am sitting at least 15 feet away from a girl in bedazzled jeans and a too-tight top, hooker hoop earrings, J-Lo blowout hair, and claws that are in need of a fill. She smells like she bathed in Paris Hilton perfume or something equally as cheap and tacky. It's nauseating. I got an instant headache 30 seconds after she walked in the door. Here's the kicker, I had to walk past her to throw away something and she was talking and I am 99% positive someone shat on or around her mouth. But she's chewing gum. It's probably shit flavored. I don't think I would want to hose her down as much if she would just shut the fuck up. She has questions about everything. It isn't the rest of the class' fault you left early in week one and didn't show up at all last week. Please do the fucking reading before class and stop interrupting. I don't pay to here you say shit like "It's cause I didn't read the books and stuff so what is that?" THAT is gonna be me slapping the shit out of you, that's what that is.

My head is killing me. Every time she speaks she feels the need to flip her hair over whatever shoulder is bare and it wafts the Stank by Paris Hilton in my direction. We were just talking about suicide and how it is illegal in some states to help someone kill themselves and she got all Catholic on us. "You go to hell if you kill yourself. That's the truth." I brought up Dr. Kevorkian and how he assists terminally ill people and she was like "Well he's going to hell too." The whole class disagreed with her, but shoot if she didn't stick to her guns. I'm all for standing your ground (not a reference to George Zimmerman...that willget a separate blog) but could you at least attempt to sound intelligent? J-No (as she will now be called) just keeps saying that everyone is going to hell. Great argument. Is there a hell that exsists for people who FUCKING STINK?

Semper Fucking Idiot showed up late and every time KiKi Quiver Bone asks him something pertaining to Sun City Police, he stammers an "I don't know" and then pretends to check his phone. He is also wearing a bright red shirt with orange lettering that says 'Marines'. Let's advertise that you were once one and now the shirt fits you like you got it from Baby Gap. I can see a clear definition of his belly button cavern and it must be cold in here because the nipples of his D-cup titties are hard as rocks. He is also wearing hipster black glasses that weren't on his face in week one (he wasn't here last week either) and they do not look prescription. They look like he picked them up at Zumiez along with the skinny jeans he should NOT be wearing. I can just picture the sales clerk wanting to tell him that he shouldn't buy it but deciding the commission on the sale was more important than the view. I can even picture him in his Sun City PD uniform, pot belly hanging over his utility belt, fat thighs rubbing together in his polyester pants, and sweat stains, lots of sweat stains. Maybe a donut, but he looks more like a McDonald's McGriddle kind of guy, mainly because he smells like maple syrup.

My team just presented on a fictitious case made up for our class and we had to explain one of the charges against the defendant. The defendant assaulted a police officer while he was being apprehended by punching the police officer in the face. Under Texas Penal Code, it could be charged as simple assault or aggravated assault. We decided since he was also being charged with murder, kidnapping, and drug charges, we would charge him with aggravated assault. Semper Fucking Idiot was chomping at the fucking bit to contest that. He is a police officer, after all. He said he's been assaulted several, SEVERAL times and it's always been charged as simple assault. I of course replied with "I'm so sorry that you have been assaulted so many times. How unfortunate for you. But, since the defendant is being charged with other heinous crimes, we feel we should charge high. One, because it would stress to the jury the seriousness of the offense and two, we can." He tried to interject but KiKi cut him off.

HOWEVER, his group discussed the kidnapping charge and he stated, very clearly and adamantly that he wouldn't have charged kidnapping, but unlawful restraint and why. Why? Because it was a safer play. J-No and Fat Alberto (in his group) both said they would charge kidnapping instead. So when it came to questions time, I started to ask why they disagreed and Semper Fucking Idiot cut me off and started saying that because he was a cop he knew what the charge would really be and was getting pretty angry. I politely waited for him to finish and said "That wasn't my question. May I please ask the question I intended to ask?" He started to speak again and KiKi said "You aren't a cop in here Semper Fucking Idiot. You need to cool it with all that machismo." I fucking love KiKi Quiver Bone.

He just sat down and is breathing heavily next to me. It sounds like an asthma attack. Except I know it's because he's trying to control his rage. Even Blond Sonya and Juarez Teenager Female were laughing there asses off. They told me "I knew you were ready to just destroy him but then KiKi got him too!" It was amazing and I am delighting in his embarrassment. He's angrily tapping his foot and chewing on his fingernails. I might want to be careful, those hipster glasses make him look like a textbook Clocktower. He is SEETHING right now. Someone brought up DUI's and how a cop wouldn't charge some guy because HE didn't see the guy driving. I said "Well the vehicle in motion helps create probable cause..." and he cuts me off and says "NOT necessarily. If..." to which I cut him off and said "AS I WAS SAYING, vehicle in motion helps create probable cause but obviously the vehicle couldn't have gotten to where it was without it being driven. He should have arrested the drunk guy." Semper Fucking Idiot hit...wait, HIT the table with his fist and said "That's what I was going to say." Um, huh? I was saying it first dude. What? Are you fucking 5? 'I wanted to say it but she said it and that's not fair!' My four-year-old behaves better. This guy is one confrontation away from being on the news for using excessive force. Even KiKi was shocked. She picked her jaw up off the floor and said "Is there some sort of problem Semper Fucking Idiot?" He just mumbled no.

Class ended after that and he jumped up quickly, gathering the...oh wait, he didn't bring anything, and speed walking out of the room. Me and my girls (yeah, BS and JTF) were laughing with each other all the way to the parking lot, where Semper Fucking Idiot was maniacally waiting for his team members. I half expected him to make the international sign for I'm watching you, and he may have, but I giggled with the gals about something or other (nothing to do with him) and headed home. I will admit I took an alternate route in case he was following me. One can never be too careful when you anger a Clocktower.

Hopefully next week he wears his hipster glasses again and I can get a pic. Good night to all and Happy Mother's day to all the hot mommas (ugly ones too) that I know.

I'm Down Like Your Internet Connection

Everyone loves a good conversation with tech support, right? The condescending tone of the so-called expert leaves us all feeling warm and fluffy. At University of Ficticious Bird, it is no different. Tech Support is an unavoidable beast that all must deal with and today, well, today was my turn.

I've called in the past, sure. Everyone has site issues and runtime errors, that's the price you pay for going to a university that does everything online. Today, however, I had one of those epic blond moments. I posted my group essay on Tuesday and without thinking, posted the rough-draft. I only caught it today because I always double-check the day of the assignment to make sure everything posted correctly. So, I make the appropriate changes and re-post the assignment. As I try to remove the incorrect version, I found I was unable to. It was odd because the newest post had a little trashcan next to it and gave me the remove option, but the old one didn't. Well, crud, time to call tech support.

I call the number and after getting through the menu, I am immediately connected to Charles (real name). He asks for my student registration number. I give it to him, taking momentary pauses as the number is long and he tells me, not once, but TWICE to repeat it. I do, with no attitude I might add, and then give him my name when prompted.

Charles: (BIG HEAVY SIGH) What do you need?
Me: Well, I am calling because I cannot remove and assignment I turned in and...
C: (Cutting me off) When is it due?
Me: It's due today, but I posted the incorrect assignment and need to take it down.
C: You can't. Nothing comes down the day its due.
M: Well, I posted the correct one and it says I can take it down. It's due today.
C: Well I can't take it down.
M: I wasn't asking you to take it down, I was asking why I can't. But now that YOU'VE brought it up, why can't you take it down?
C: Because that's our policy.
M: Okay, I can't take it down on the due date and you can't take it down on the due date, then why can I take down the one I just posted.
C: BECAUSE THE OLD ONE WAS POSTED 48 HOURS AGO. I told you that.
M: Actually, you didn't tell me that, but I am so glad you felt the need to yell it at me.
C: I DIDN'T YELL.
M: Well I am so glad I pay for your awful attitude. Thank you for not being of any help to me. Can you transfer me to your supervisor, please?

He hung up on me. No joke. Motha fucka hung up on me. All calls are logged by your student registration number so I will be calling back and handling THAT shit. I may or may not let you know how that goes.

Now I am sitting in class laughing as Fat Alberto gives medical advice to the class. Apparently, when you get sick, it makes you sick. But like real sick. I asked him how long he had to go to medical school to learn that. He said without hesitation "Oh, I didn't go to medical school, but my doctor told me stuff."

Tonight we are discussing criminal defenses. Typhoid Maria interrupted KiKi Quiver Bone to ask "If you're guilty, why do you get a defense? You're guilty." KiKi, after many seconds of deep thought, told her "You are innocent until proven guilty, so you get to defend yourself in court. An arrest does not mean guilty." TM didn't let it go and said "But if the cops are arresting you, you're guilty." KiKi completly ignored her and moved on.

Fat Alberto does not understand what a justification is. Every example KiKi is giving (necessity, self-defense, defense of others, etc.) he tries to offer a counter-example that is not even close. For self-defense, he offered the OJ Simpson case as an example. Necessity, he said "You could kill someone if they took your necessity." KiKi is pretty much ignoring his add-ons, which only prompts him to keep talking.

The super racist girl from the NOT FA and TM's team, we'll call her Racista, just told us a story about her ex-boyfriend, a Sun City police officer, has been stalking her for months, on and off-duty. He's pulled her over and cussed her out, followed her to work and school, threatend her child, and she's talking about it like, for lack of a better word, non-chalantly. No big deal, he's just jealous, whatever. My jaw was on the floor. KiKi was equally as shocked. We were both telling her to go to HQ and talk to internal affairs and she just doesn't get it. She said she told his sergeant who she used to kick it with and he promised he would do something.

Me: Did he?
Racista: Well, he said he would but I still see him everywhere. He pulled me over last week and tried to act like he didn't know me and shit and then he was all 'I'm watching you bitch. I know who you fuck'.
KiKi: Then he didn't do anything or if he did, it didn't help. You need to go to IA.
R: Well like, but he said he'd help.
Me: Well he lied. If it really is as bad as you say, you have a responsibility to yourself and your child, and everyone who might come into contact with him in this city, to report him. That behavior is in no way okay.
R: Yeah, I know but, like...
K: But like nothing. Either it's real and you need to report it or you're a liar. Pick one.

We took lunch right after that. Racista tried to keep talking to me about it but I told her "I'm sorry, I just can't." Also during lunch, I discovered I will be the only student (plus Blond Sonya) who will have Big Time Army for our next class. Don't get me wrong, I delight in knowing that I do not have to see Fat Alberto or Typhoid Maria again. I'm even happy that I won't have to suffer through having A-USA for an instructor again, but to not get to witness Big Time Army destroy these idiots again...well, it makes me sad. My blog will surely suffer as I will have to spend time on HW again and I can't live blog, not to mention that my cannon fodder will have disapated. I have no doubt I'll get another group of magically delinquent classmates, but I have to make up new blog names. Lame.

It's now Sunday and I have yet to post this. I had too much fun watching Thor when I got home on Thursday to finish. And then couldn't Friday because of a yard sale and the The Avengers (GO SEE IT!). Saturday was yard sale part two, soccer, soccer pool party, and then an Awesome People Pool Party. All viable excuses as to why I couldn't be bothered. Sadly, I am not adding anything else to this other than the  above written excuse list. Next week lovelys, next week.