Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Only Exception

Guess who's back, back again. Instructor USA. And he got hair plugs. And they look like hair plugs. Guess who is also back? My kick ass team member from classes long past. She doesn't have a blog name yet, at lunch break I'm going to let her pick her own. 

Before class started, I staked out an area for my team, Blond Sonja, Juarez Teenager Female and Kick Ass Team Member, and spotted Big Time Army in the hallway. I jumped up to say “hi” and got the look. You know which one, the one that says “I know what you did and I am ashamed of you.” I immediately started to fall all over myself to explain why I switched, but I composed myself and calmly explained the reason. He slowly started to smile and told me it was all-good and did the whole handshake into a bro hug. He said he was proud that I learned to scam the system and that even though he should be ashamed that I took the easy way out,  I would definitely have him again and he would take it out on me then. He asked if I had my new instructor before and I recounted to him the awkward experience of Instructor USA hitting on me in front of Hubby. After his initial shock, he said “Damn, you really are gonna get that easy A. Old boy doesn’t even know how bad he’s gonna get played.” He’s right. Instructor USA is fucked in the A.

I already don’t like the other class members; they look skeezy. Fat Alberto, Typhoid Maria, and my team are on one side; they’re all on the other. When I first came in it was just TM and this guy with a faux-hawk and a purple hipster tee that belongs on a thinner person.

I introduced myself and TM and he said “Huh?” I repeated myself and he said, “Cool”.  After realizing that it is appropriate to introduce oneself next, he said "Oh, I’m whatever the fuck he said.” I shall call him Hipster Gordo. He wants to be a US Marshall, but he said “I’m gonna be a Marchall.” I let it go. He went on to tell me that the class normally has only one white person, so it would be different now. I wasn’t aware there was a limit on the amount of white folk. I guess I snagged an exception waiver.

Instructor USA gave me this look when he walked in. His face said “Oh crap” but he verbally said “Well, hello all. I’m Mr. Watts” and then walked up and said “Have we had a class before?” I said, “Yes, we have.” He winked; yes, winked, and said “It’s Tiffany right?” Oh LOL, you’re just a regular jokester aren’t ya?

In true form, he started class almost 20 minutes after the hour. He introduced himself to the class and left off the "and I'm single.” I am shocked. Maybe he found a lady right after he found those hair plugs in a back alley. Everything he said was comical. Kick Ass Team Member and I kept exchanging glances and giggles with each ridiculously obvious attempt at coolness. When he said his shtick about not turning in crap writing because he won’t tolerate it, I almost choked on my tea. He doesn’t take crap writing? My whole last class (minus myself and KATM) turned in crap writing and they got A’s.

From where I am sitting, I am staring down a bunch of Ho-skies. It’s like the Mexican Jersey Shore. One girl even took off her glasses seductively and a button came magically undone on her blouse when Instructor USA introduced himself. They’ll get names, should they choose to speak.

One girl who sat on our side for some reason, is two seats down from KATM and I. She has a pink legal pad. KATM is wondering if it’s also scented. The Elle Woods comparison is even funnier because she is the exact opposite of Reese Witherspoon. And easy 250, she has all pink accessories, to include a pink lip-gloss to the left of her computer that she has already re-applied multiple times. Her triple chin is especially prominent as she is either intentionally pushing it against her chest or it just rests that way. I’d mention her ethnicity, but as the only other white people are Instructor USA, and this burnout stoner-looking fellow (he’s apparently a cop) and myself, I don’t think it’s hard to figure out.

Right now we are talking about the first 10 amendments of the Constitution and this woman with skunk highlights in the front of her black hair, sharpie brows, and a shirt she got at Forever 21 about 30 years ago when she was 21, is saying them after the rest of us answer what they are. KATM whispered, “Way to jump on the train there” and I am trying hard not to piss myself. We are going to make all of these people want to or actually kill themselves. Someone should have warned them. (BTW she needs a name. She’s in the picture below. Reader’s choice name contest starts now).

I love all the fake Coach bags that the women are rocking, proudly displayed on their worktables. I can spot a fake Coach bag a good 3 miles away, but these you could see from space. Maybe they spent so much on their make-up and bad blond dye-jobs that they had to scrimp on the bags. I guess it is more important to show off a fake designer bag than to have a pen and paper or laptop out to take notes. I’m not judging, except that I am totally judging.

During our lunch break, we met up with Big Time Army’s class. They looked terrified. Racista sat in the hallway with a dead look and one of her teammates chatted me up. I tried to keep it positive and I did not tell her she wasn’t going to be able to hack it.  I think I have done my good deed for the week. Smug is me.

Instructor USA put on some YouTube clips. First a South Park one, and then one of animals dubbed with British Accents. I’d laugh except they aren’t that funny and he played them a minimum of three times for us last time we had him. I am eagerly awaiting the Nazi videos followed by the apologetic stare in my direction.

I snapped a pic of the Glam Squad, as I will now call them. Behold the beauty that is upon you:

If only the lighting were better you'd really be able to embrace the faces. Yet to-be-named Clown Face is to the right. What you can't see is her tapered, not skinny, jeans with heels she can barely walk in and FUPA that ain't quitting. The gal next to her is Lusty Eyes. Blob Zombie is the closest (her make-up is lighter than her skin and has a gray tint). Next to her is Mexican Snookie. They got names even without speaking.

We start back up and guess what, still talking about the first 10 amendments. It was sheer torture when we hit number nine. Did you know the government can’t do stuff if we don’t say they can? Apparently, we need to have the definition of a democracy explained to us. Not sure who wouldn’t know that, although the Glam Squad looks confused. As we finally reached number 10, I thought it would be quick but I-USA is hyped. States rights must get him all hot and bothered. We’ve had the title slide of his PowerPoint up this whole time and each time I glance at it (pretending to really listen) I keep focusing on this caricature of the standing Supreme Court Justices and I am trying so hard not to laugh. The man can put together a pretty entertaining title slide, so he’s got that going for him, which is nice. Oh, and he’s a federal prosecutor and makes “way more” than state prosecutors. Big ballin’ up in here. Maybe he switched the single line with the money one.

He actually just referenced the caricature and named all the justices for the class. I am 100% positive they did not know who they were. I tried to hide my disdain, but when he asked why Justice Kennedy is considered to be one of the most powerful men in America and got blank stares, I answered. I said he was the swing vote. Yet to-be-named Clown Face asked what that meant. I explained that four justices are more conservative and the other are more liberal and Kennedy tends to be the tiebreaker. I know that she didn’t get it despite her head nods.

KATM just pointed out to me that we are only on slide 2 now and we have 24 to go. We aren’t going to make it. These people are already falling asleep. We have to leave enough time for the Nazi video or I’m going to be heartbroken. He said at the beginning of class we would be watching a clip from a film directed by a local man that is about the murders on the border, but I think he’s really teasing. This man loves his the Nazis too much to not show them off. Maybe the video is actually about the murders on the border and explains that they aren’t by the cartels but by Nazis.

“At the end of the day, the prosecutor is gonna have to convince a jury of 12.” Really? That was his reason as to why prosecutors are more powerful than everyone. Verbatim. I have seen this man in a courtroom. He could not convince a jury of the color of the sky, let alone secure a guilty verdict.
KATM texted me that she wanted to know what I need her to do for the group work and I explained to her that in her absence, I have taken to doing all the work. After her “WTF?” she said that she pulls her weight and is totally helping. I assured her that I have done it for so long now, that it’s habit. I am almost done with all the group work to be honest. She said, “That’s what I thought. One of them said it’s because you’re so nice and I thought ‘No bitch, you must be dumb’.” Yeah, she hit that on the head. If she’d just pick a damn blog name already, we’d be cool…LOL.

He just asked if we feel that 2.5 million people out of 310 million is too many to be incarcerated. No one thought so. So he asked if it isn’t enough and I said, “I think that the problem lies in the sentencing process. People are granted probation who SHOULD be incarcerated and people who would have taken advantage of probation and changed, are incarcerated. Yet to-be-named Clown Face said “Oh yeah it’s true because this guy was harassing my daughter when she was 11 and all they did was give him the ankle thingy. But then I heard on the news that he killed his grandpa.” The story has gotten more intense. Apparently, this kid was a sociopath. He followed the little girls in the neighborhood around and would try to touch them, threatened people with sickles, tortured animals; basically every evil kid from Law & Order rolled into one. But they let him go because he was 11. Good job Sun City.

Fat Alberto started to compare it to “this lady who called about some dogs but the man, the animal control man, he said he couldn’t take away the dogs because they didn’t kill nobody yet.” I am still unsure how any of that applies to incarceration and probation. I don’t think he knows either. I-USA did do a pretty decent whiny Sun Cit-ian impression and I have to give him props; it was pretty funny. It was executed with complete disregard for any of the present whiny Sun Cit-ians.

We have less than 52 minutes to go and we have reached slide 8. I give him about 10 more minutes before he turns it off and replaces it with a Nazi flick. I just realized I-USA has no eyebrows. He’s a brunette so they aren’t just really light. He. Has. No. Eyebrows. He has a goatee though. The imbalance of it all is so distracting. He’s going to think I’m checking him out now. Maybe that’s why his wife left him, she couldn’t handle it anymore. Who would blame her? Could you stare at an eyebrow-less man for the rest of your natural life? Apologizees to any of you that have some type of condition that makes you lose your eyebrows, but seriously, with everything he doesn’t have going for him, he needs eyebrows. Maybe that’s where the hair for his back alley plugs came from.

The sleeves are rolled up now and he has loosened his tie. I feel like I am about to hear a Pentecostal, Hell-fire and Brimstone sermon. He’s using the front table like it’s a podium. Maybe if he were this animated in court, he’d win something. I want to tell him to stop wasting his energy. These people are not learning anything, nor do they care to. He for sure has a man-crush on Justice Scalia. He even said that it upsets him when people try to act like Scalia is a “conserva-Nazi” because he has made some of the most liberal opinions. That may be the only Nazi reference I get tonight. I can still get behind that. Who doesn’t love Justice Scalia?

He asked if this country was ready to elect a Mormon president. I said yes, but the rest of them said no. I-USA said that we might be surprised as a lot of people didn’t think we would ever have a Catholic president, but President Kennedy was elected, although barely. I said, “Well, it’s amazing what dead people in Chicago can do for an election.” He and KATM were the only ones who laughed. I think I just secured my A. As KATM said, he loves me. He also told us we probably wouldn’t have time for the movie and Yet to-be-named Clown Face actually cried out “Oh no but I wanted to see it!” Not ironically or sarcastically mind you. She was genuinely upset that he isn’t going to play it. I want her to cry to see how far her mascara will run. Probably to the border. See what I did there? You liked it.

Fat Alberto just informed us that the 6th amendment says that you can get a jury that is on your side. He tried to clarify but stayed with that statement. I-USA attempted to make sense of it, but even he failed. KATM was able to interrupt and informed us that she believed he was referring to the jury selection process. Defense attorney’s can choose jurors as well, and while I have no doubt that was what he read and meant, the look on his face said that is not what he understood. Pobresito.

It’s 2143 and we are powering through the slides. He hasn’t cut it off to showcases his the Nazis. Color me disappointed. Stoner White-boy Cop tried to make a joke about Justice Ginsberg right after I cracked one that got lots ‘o laughs. His flat lined, even after he repeated it. Doesn’t he know there can be only one funny white person in the class? Is his name Tiffany? Then shut the fuck up and play the Supporting Actor. There is only one Oscar given for the lead buddy. Well, two, actor and actress. Whatever, it was funnier in my brain.

Fingers crossed I get a Goose-step instructional video or something Nazi related coupled with the stare next week. If not, I’m going to be very disappointed I switched classes. Oh and I have given KATM a name since she didn’t choose one. She’s going to be Katniss. That’s what KATM reminded me of and if this were The Hunger Games, she’d be a serious killin’ machine. Good night all.


TK said...

How did you not blog about a cheesy instructor hitting on you in front of the hubby?! I went back and looked, and there's NO MENTION. Please reconsider the Time warp Tuesday concept with this as your topic. Lol Also, I notice you have a visitor from Colorado Springs, CO. Wonder who THAT could be? ;)

Tiffany said...

You're right, I did not. It happened after the class ended. Thanks for the Time-Warp Tuesday suggestion, you just made my week hella easy yo. Are you sure it REALLY says colorado springs? It might be a trick by Alice in Dallas!

Shannon {ava_caitlyn} said...

Nice. I am loving this blog, I laughed so much I woke up Ava. Sharpie brows... I am digging your description. Okay, so maybe we can go on that secret mission soon...the one that we have been plotting about? You know, the trip to see Alice?

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