Thursday, May 10, 2012

Don't Stand So Close to Me

Or sit. Or breathe. I am sitting at least 15 feet away from a girl in bedazzled jeans and a too-tight top, hooker hoop earrings, J-Lo blowout hair, and claws that are in need of a fill. She smells like she bathed in Paris Hilton perfume or something equally as cheap and tacky. It's nauseating. I got an instant headache 30 seconds after she walked in the door. Here's the kicker, I had to walk past her to throw away something and she was talking and I am 99% positive someone shat on or around her mouth. But she's chewing gum. It's probably shit flavored. I don't think I would want to hose her down as much if she would just shut the fuck up. She has questions about everything. It isn't the rest of the class' fault you left early in week one and didn't show up at all last week. Please do the fucking reading before class and stop interrupting. I don't pay to here you say shit like "It's cause I didn't read the books and stuff so what is that?" THAT is gonna be me slapping the shit out of you, that's what that is.

My head is killing me. Every time she speaks she feels the need to flip her hair over whatever shoulder is bare and it wafts the Stank by Paris Hilton in my direction. We were just talking about suicide and how it is illegal in some states to help someone kill themselves and she got all Catholic on us. "You go to hell if you kill yourself. That's the truth." I brought up Dr. Kevorkian and how he assists terminally ill people and she was like "Well he's going to hell too." The whole class disagreed with her, but shoot if she didn't stick to her guns. I'm all for standing your ground (not a reference to George Zimmerman...that willget a separate blog) but could you at least attempt to sound intelligent? J-No (as she will now be called) just keeps saying that everyone is going to hell. Great argument. Is there a hell that exsists for people who FUCKING STINK?

Semper Fucking Idiot showed up late and every time KiKi Quiver Bone asks him something pertaining to Sun City Police, he stammers an "I don't know" and then pretends to check his phone. He is also wearing a bright red shirt with orange lettering that says 'Marines'. Let's advertise that you were once one and now the shirt fits you like you got it from Baby Gap. I can see a clear definition of his belly button cavern and it must be cold in here because the nipples of his D-cup titties are hard as rocks. He is also wearing hipster black glasses that weren't on his face in week one (he wasn't here last week either) and they do not look prescription. They look like he picked them up at Zumiez along with the skinny jeans he should NOT be wearing. I can just picture the sales clerk wanting to tell him that he shouldn't buy it but deciding the commission on the sale was more important than the view. I can even picture him in his Sun City PD uniform, pot belly hanging over his utility belt, fat thighs rubbing together in his polyester pants, and sweat stains, lots of sweat stains. Maybe a donut, but he looks more like a McDonald's McGriddle kind of guy, mainly because he smells like maple syrup.

My team just presented on a fictitious case made up for our class and we had to explain one of the charges against the defendant. The defendant assaulted a police officer while he was being apprehended by punching the police officer in the face. Under Texas Penal Code, it could be charged as simple assault or aggravated assault. We decided since he was also being charged with murder, kidnapping, and drug charges, we would charge him with aggravated assault. Semper Fucking Idiot was chomping at the fucking bit to contest that. He is a police officer, after all. He said he's been assaulted several, SEVERAL times and it's always been charged as simple assault. I of course replied with "I'm so sorry that you have been assaulted so many times. How unfortunate for you. But, since the defendant is being charged with other heinous crimes, we feel we should charge high. One, because it would stress to the jury the seriousness of the offense and two, we can." He tried to interject but KiKi cut him off.

HOWEVER, his group discussed the kidnapping charge and he stated, very clearly and adamantly that he wouldn't have charged kidnapping, but unlawful restraint and why. Why? Because it was a safer play. J-No and Fat Alberto (in his group) both said they would charge kidnapping instead. So when it came to questions time, I started to ask why they disagreed and Semper Fucking Idiot cut me off and started saying that because he was a cop he knew what the charge would really be and was getting pretty angry. I politely waited for him to finish and said "That wasn't my question. May I please ask the question I intended to ask?" He started to speak again and KiKi said "You aren't a cop in here Semper Fucking Idiot. You need to cool it with all that machismo." I fucking love KiKi Quiver Bone.

He just sat down and is breathing heavily next to me. It sounds like an asthma attack. Except I know it's because he's trying to control his rage. Even Blond Sonya and Juarez Teenager Female were laughing there asses off. They told me "I knew you were ready to just destroy him but then KiKi got him too!" It was amazing and I am delighting in his embarrassment. He's angrily tapping his foot and chewing on his fingernails. I might want to be careful, those hipster glasses make him look like a textbook Clocktower. He is SEETHING right now. Someone brought up DUI's and how a cop wouldn't charge some guy because HE didn't see the guy driving. I said "Well the vehicle in motion helps create probable cause..." and he cuts me off and says "NOT necessarily. If..." to which I cut him off and said "AS I WAS SAYING, vehicle in motion helps create probable cause but obviously the vehicle couldn't have gotten to where it was without it being driven. He should have arrested the drunk guy." Semper Fucking Idiot hit...wait, HIT the table with his fist and said "That's what I was going to say." Um, huh? I was saying it first dude. What? Are you fucking 5? 'I wanted to say it but she said it and that's not fair!' My four-year-old behaves better. This guy is one confrontation away from being on the news for using excessive force. Even KiKi was shocked. She picked her jaw up off the floor and said "Is there some sort of problem Semper Fucking Idiot?" He just mumbled no.

Class ended after that and he jumped up quickly, gathering the...oh wait, he didn't bring anything, and speed walking out of the room. Me and my girls (yeah, BS and JTF) were laughing with each other all the way to the parking lot, where Semper Fucking Idiot was maniacally waiting for his team members. I half expected him to make the international sign for I'm watching you, and he may have, but I giggled with the gals about something or other (nothing to do with him) and headed home. I will admit I took an alternate route in case he was following me. One can never be too careful when you anger a Clocktower.

Hopefully next week he wears his hipster glasses again and I can get a pic. Good night to all and Happy Mother's day to all the hot mommas (ugly ones too) that I know.


Shannon {ava_caitlyn} said...

BAHAHA!!! Clocktower. Loving it.... I can go with you and hang out by your car...we can follow HIM!! ;)

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