Thursday, May 17, 2012

Sweet Escape

Fat Alberto is at it again. He knows everything about anything and is determined to share it no matter what. Tonight we started out by talking about DWIs/DUIs. I know what you’re thinking, he knows about them because he’s had one, but that’s not the case. He knows all about the subject of drunk driving because; get this, someone told him. He doesn’t remember whom, but someone did tell him.

According to him, in the state of Texas you DO NOT have to do a Breathalyzer test. The cop will just take you to the place (yeah, the place) and you can tell the lawyer people that you don’t want to and they let you go. “They let you go because, you know, they don’t have the proofs that you were drinking because they didn’t steal your breaths, you know.”  KiKi Quiver Bone wanted to correct him, it was written all over her face, but she deferred to me.

To say that I enjoyed telling him just how wrong he was is like saying that sex feels good.  I think I exuded radiance. If you turned off the lights, I would have glowed. My smile was bigger and bigger with every point I disproved. Every time he tried to interject, I held up my finger emphatically as if to say “Shut the fuck up, adults are speaking.” There were a few times when he seemed to cower in his chair. Yeah, I liked it.

We moved on to concealed weapon laws. Racista told us a story about a gun her ex-boyfriend (the crazy cop) gave her and how when her house got searched by the cops, they told her she stole a cops gun. But her house was searched by accident. Oh, because search warrants get issued by accident all the time…well this is the Sun City, that’s actually plausible. However, you have a crazy ass ex-boyfriend who has abused his power to stalk you MULTIPLE times, so I’m thinking this wasn’t an accident. And why the fuck would you take a gun from him? You didn’t think “Hey maybe I shouldn’t take a gun from my disgruntled ex who’s a cop” or “Maybe this is a set up”.

KiKi is hiving the fuck out. She’s the white version of the Hulk. I’d be right there with her except at this point, Racista is fucking asking for it. She knows what to do, she doesn’t seem scared, and she is CLEARLY relishing the attention she’s getting from everyone about this. I almost want to find out his name to give him a head’s up. Like “Bro, you’re ex is trashing you and saying you’re a dirty cop.” There is a part of me that keeps thinking there is a chance she’s telling the truth, maybe that’s why I haven’t tracked his ass down. It just seems so….so much like bullshit. I find it pretty hard to believe that you would so nonchalant about the safety of yourself and your child. Or maybe she is. Maybe this is normal behavior where she comes from.

We just broke for lunch and Semper Fucking Idiot sauntered in. I guess he’s too busy and important to show up on time. I can’t wait to get him all riled up again. His neck fat jiggles when he’s raging out and it makes me chuckle. He keeps staring at me, like he wants to say something but suddenly forgot his words.
Somehow we got to talking about the Texas Seven and Semper Fucking Idiot puffed up his chest and added his input. This is WORD FOR WORD what he said:

SFI: When that shit went down, it was intense. They took forever to find them.

First of all, according to his own bio he gave the first day of class, he was not a local cop then. Second of all, KiKi was one of the prosecutors of two of the escapees and was placed under police protection when they escaped, so she kind of knows what she’s talking about. Thirdly, they were apprehended within a month, that isn’t really forever. You all know me, I have to wave the bullshit flag.

Me: You worked that case?
SFI: Well, yeah, I mean, I know about it.
Me: Well most of the country KNOWS about it. I KNOW about it, doesn’t mean I worked it.
SFI: I KNOW about it too. They were arrested in El Paso County.
Me: Yeah, El Paso County COLORADO.
SFI: No, El Paso County TEXAS.
KQB: No, El Paso County Colorado.
SFI: Well I know some guys that worked it and arrested them here.
Me: Then you know some guys who lied. They caught them in Colorado. And you said you were still in the Marines then. So you lied to.
SFI: I didn’t say I worked it. You said those words. Not me.
Me: But you implied those words.
SFI: I don’t know what that means. Now you’re making stuff up.
Me: I’m making up the word implies? Or I’m making it up that you implied something?
SFI: Yeah those.
Me: Those what?
SFI: Whatever.
Me: And they let you carry a gun.
SFI: Well, yeah, I’m a cop.
Me: (to KiKi) Next slide please.

It’s like I am a magnet for these people. God forbid I have a class of NOT idiots. Or a blog that isn’t mistaken for that of a Catholic Santorum supporter (some of you will get that). I checked out after that. I figured anything else that anyone else could say would fail in comparison.

Before I end this, let me inform you all that I am a woman named Alice and a minority. All of you are part of "The Insidious Liberal Plan to Infiltrate and Indict the Tea Party". My followers that have blogs don't actually write them. They are all robots carefully crafted to seem like caring housewives and mothers, but they're really spies for Obama. Click the link, you'll see. Anyone who has met me in real life was a part of the conspiracy as well because I don't really exist, so you must be lying. And because I am sure that crazy asshole PolitiJim will read this searching for more clues to the conspiracy he's created, let me state that was all SARCASM. 

Next week I'll recap the end-of-class potluck we are being forced to have. Or maybe I won't. I may post this blog full of detail and then disappear without any explanation because that's what robot blogs do.


Shannon {ava_caitlyn} said...

BAHAHAHA!!!! I laughed so hard...I almost peed. LOL!!! WOOT!!!!

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