Thursday, May 24, 2012

Sing for Your Supper

Last night of KiKi Quiver Bone's class and we're having a potluck. Yes, that's right, a potluck. And shockingly, it was NOT Fat Alberto's idea. KiKi said that every class she teaches brings stuff for the last night and even though my group was all for just presenting and bouncin', but no, we must break bread.

I picked up a Raspberry Swirl from Starbucks as they are simply not worth any effort it would take to make something or get out of my car. Blond Sonya and Juarez Teenager Female both brought chips and that was only because I texted them and said we should bring shit. I figure if everyone is stuffed, they won't pay too much attention and we can get the fuck out of here. Fat Alberto brought a salad. Yep, you did not misread. He actually announced via the class forum that he would be bringing salad.

"Hey class, well the food that i decided to take to class for Thursday's class is going to be a salad. Im a gonna take a salad for the class. I hope this is good. 

See you guys Thursday. 


He actually include his last name as well. Very formal of him. And it wasn't really a salad. It was macaroni salad, obviously I will not be eating it. The sweat from his bald fat head might have dripped in it. The rest of them brought things like plates, drinks, pizza, and more chips. Typhoid Maria also brought chips but you'd think they were dipped in gold. She keeps mentioning them. "Oh I just brought chips but they ARE delicious." No bitch, their no different than the other fifteen bags of Limon chips.

Break, break, break. Fat Alberto is talking about one of HIS patients from the hospital where he has been promoted from security guard to doctor. "This woman that was there, you know, in the hospital, you know, she went crazy because her husband and dad were killed in Juarez, you know, and the state paid for her crazy time." I couldn't resist and added a "you know." He looked at me point blank and said "Yeah, I know right?" but not sarcastically. I don't know how people getting killed in Juarez would get money from the TEXAS victim compensation fund, but you know, he knows.

It's 1932 hrs and we have STILL not presented. KiKi has a presentation on the projector but we're not really discussing it, just shooting the shit. But we're only doing that because Fat Alberto is on his eighth slice of pizza. We don't mind staying late so you can get fatter. I just want to present first and be amazing, sit through everyone else's crap, and then go home. 

Aw shucks, just found out Fat Alberto will not be in our next class. Typhoid Maria will be all by her lonesome. This makes me smile.

Whoa, Semper Fucking Idiot JUST walked in. He said "I was in court testifying for a very important case." No one asked, he just announced. KiKi rolled her eyes and moved on. I cannot fucking stand him. He sits up against his table and his fat, saggy man tits are resting on it like a shelf. He has on a Dropkick Murphy's shirt, let's be safe and assume he does NOT know who they are. He also has on a green Boston Red Socks hat. The shirt is gray with green lettering and he has on black track pants. Yeah, you wore that to court, I am so sure. I just fucking love people who wear a sport team's hat because it matches, not because they're a fan. Let me see a fucking SF Giants hat or a Packers hat on his head and I might be losing my shit on a cop. He's got the clock tower glasses on too. If he wasn't tragically fat and had on skinny jeans, he could pass for a Sun City Hipster. I hate hipsters.

Typhoid Maria and Fat Alberto are whispering in Spanglish about me. I know it. Not because I'm paranoid but because I am definitely the only guera (Wetta) in the class. And I also heard a "Tiffania" once or twice. You sit one seat away from me, I can hear you. From what I gather, Fat Alberto thinks that when I switched my instructors for our next course, I bumped him out. I guess I have more pull than I thought. I wanted to interject and tell them that while I may be a scheming bitch 98% of the time, there were several open slots for the course and I did not in fact "bump" him. We all know it would be a waste of breath.

Moment of the night:
KiKi brought up the case where the baby sitter put that kid in a washing machine in the great state of New Jersey. While it is sickening and awful, things you do expect from New Jersey, I bring this up because of what Fat Alberto said about it. 

FA: Oh Tiffania, you'd probably go all loca and kill her huh?
Me: Excuse me? My name is Tiffany.
FA: That's what I said. But you know, you would, you know, kill that baby sitter huh?
Me: Actually Fat Alberto, I would let the justice system handle it because people who harm children tend to get theirs in prison and as the child lived, it would need me to take care of it. No one is worth being separated from my child. But I find it amusing that YOU of all people seem to think so little of me. 
(My whole team and the Racista's team are dying of laughter at this point)
FA: No, you know, it's cause you like guns and republicans and stuff.
KiKi: I like guns and republicans and stuff. Does that mean you think little of me too?
FA: No, you know, it's like, you know, because (points to his arm) like your colors and stuff.
Me: I hope you mean the colors red, white and blue because we are so patriotic to believe in this countries legal system because if you mean because we are Caucasian...
FA: Ay no! I didn't mean that, you know.
Me: What exactly do I KNOW? Because I'm pretty sure YOU telling me what I know every other word is the most annoying thing anyone in this class does.
FA: Wait, huh?
Me: It must be so hard to be you.

Somewhere amongst all of that, we presented. I volunteered my group to go first. I love stealing others' thunder. We all essentially had the same topic so going first not only set the bar high, it also allowed me to see the defeat on every one's faces. I'm easy to please like that.

Next week I will start with Instructor AUSA again. Should be pretty easy since last time he either starred at my rack or played Nazi videos. Night all.

ALMOST FORGOT! I snapped a pic of Typhoid MAria and the top of Fat Alberto's head.

You know you like her Suri Cruise bob. If I see Fat Alberto again, you WILL get a full shot.


Anonymous said...

You my love are HILARIOUS!!!!

Tiffany said...

Doni, because I know it's you, are awesome sauce.

BigYakker said...

Shit! Now I will have a bad mental picture flash ingo my head every time I listen to Dropkick! Thanks a lot!

Tiffany said...

I know, all I'll see now is his giant man titties pushing out the "D" and "s"

Shannon {ava_caitlyn} said...

WOOT!!! I adore you!

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