Saturday, August 20, 2011 4 comments

4 My People

I was supposed to do this yesterday, but *insert really good reason why I didn't here*. Now that we have that cleared up, I'll give you what you've been desperately waiting for (at least I'd like to think you have been).

The Deputy is a middle-aged, heavy-set, Hispanic male who has been a deputy sheriff for the next county over for five years. Before that (and trust me, this is his only saving grace), he was a deputy sheriff for Maricopa County. If you don't know why that is awesome, I'm going to ask you to choke yourself right now. He is divorced with a daughter and son who he seems to be very proud of. He is a republican (okay, that's a plus too) and is a criminal justice major like me.

Now to the shit you came here to read. Have you ever met that guy that tells a pretty lame joke and no one really laughs, but he tells it about 15 more times within the next hour hoping for more laughs? Yeah, that's the Deputy. He will also ask the same question over and over until he gets an answer that he likes or makes sense to him. He kept asking how we were going to post our group work on the website and I said to him that I would be the one posting it. He then asked how I was going to post it. I again said that I would be the one to post it. Again, he said how. Third time wasn't the charm, it was my snapping point and I responded "I will post our group work to the website. You will send it to me when you are done, I will compile and double check the math, and then, once all of that is done, I will save it in a word document and upload it to with my computer." Apparently, the sarcasm went right over his head and he said "Oh, okay, sounds good." He didn't have his homework finished either, and he kept answering Jaime James Olmos' questions loudly and proudly...except he was wrong every time.

Coca-Cola isn't too bad. He is also middle-aged and Hispanic, but in relatively good shape. He is another criminal justice major, and he uses math everyday at work (according to him). He is almost finished with his degree, just a few basics left to knock out so I am relatively confident he will be a good team member. I seriously doubt that this close to the finish line he would trip.

Now, the female medical biller, or as I will now be calling her, Shit In My Mouth. She's in her mid-twenties, has a kid and a fiance, works as medical biller for a pediatrician, will be moving to Austin soon, average looking Hispanic....anything else? Oh yeah, her breath smells like someone opened up her mouth and took a nice, hearty shit. I even offered everyone gum, a really strong one too, and it was still horrendous. My dog's asshole smells better, I'm sure.

Oh, and she's one of those "power of positive thinking people". She is constantly telling herself things like "I can do this", "I am a good leader", "I am in control of my situation" and what not. She even said in a somewhat shaky voice "I will be the one to do our Team Charter and the learning logs. I need to be a leader. I can do this". Seriously? Bitch, if you wanted to be a leader, I wouldn't be doing all the ACTUAL work for the group.

I really do welcome the break from all the crazies from my previous classes, but this class is going to do a number of things. 1)Provide ample blog material. 2)Induce vomitting from the smell. And 3)Add to the growing list of reasons I should have chosen a different school.

Thursday, August 18, 2011 2 comments

Strangest Places

I have walked into an alternate universe on the University of Phoenix campus. The Falcon building. No, I'm not joking, that's the name, and my oh my, it is a beauty. This is what all of the Criminal Justice majors have been missing out on. 

You see, I have to take a math class, two actually, which means I am no longer with my loveable group of miscreants that you have all come to know. Who am I fucking kidding, they were not loveable and I am not sad to be apart from them. 

I am in a classroom that has work stations WITH outlets built in (no more fighting for the ones on the wall), comfortable chairs, clean carpet, and technology from THIS century. I'm a little excited to see how the other half lives and learns. There is another CJ guy in here, a deputy sherriff the next county over and even he is amazed with the quality of The Falcon. Shit, even in the civillian world, cops get the short end of the stick. 

Our instructor is the chair for the math department for some high school. He didn't seem too proud of that fact either. Apparently, that school had very low math scores...and he's teaching us. Super. He looks like the teacher from Stand And Deliver. I don't know what to call him, Edward James Olmos or Jaime Escalante. Maybe Jaime James Olmos. I like it. J-JO it is. He wears glasses AND he's a math teacher...this is too awesome. Unfortunately, there is no Lou Diamond Phillips. "I got more bad news for you, *profe.* I know this is really gonna trip you out, but... I forgot my pencil. "

Oh I love that movie. I need to queue that shit up on Netflix. 

He's talking to the class about how hard this is going to be. He said "I understand if your homework isn't done this week, that's why I made it due next week." and the whole class breathed a sigh of relief. What the shit???? I had my homework done on Sunday. Mother fuckers. 

I am Learning Team E, I like to think it's E for Escalante. It's like we are alread his favorites. It's me, the Deputy, a guy who works for Coca-Cola and a female Medical Biller. They're nice enough. We shall see if they get nicknames and their own blogs soon enough.

OMG, I should have clep'd this class. Why oh why did I take it?!?!?! I have the answer before he finishes the question. This is straight up grade school math. Grrrrr....

To be continued tomorrow...

Saturday, August 13, 2011 2 comments

Anchors Aweigh

DISCLAIMER: If you are easily offended, stop reading now. If you read that and think "No, I can take it, it's just Tiffany ranting again" I need to let you know, there will probably be stronger language than usual, a general hate for all things Mexico (mainly their drivers though), extreme political opinions, and I'll be throwing in some pot shots at Obama just for shits and giggles. That being said, if you continue to read past this disclaimer, you are not allowed to stop being my friend. I warned you, now you're stuck with me.

This past Wednesday, the hubby and I took our Little Bug to Target to pick up some European pillows and a down-alternative comforter for our new duvet cover, which looks stunning btw. I noramlly avoid Target unless they have a good sale on Smart Water, Vitamin Water, or toilet paper (and some other random crap), but I saw that the pillows were 15 dollars cheaper there than anywhere else I would go and decided it was worth it.

The problem with going to the Target @Sunland Park and I-10 is the entrance. The mall is across the street, and the rest of the area includes Ross, Marshalls, PetSmart, Best Buy and a handful of other retailers that stay busy. Traffic is almost always a nightmare and once you turn into the Target shopping center, there is an immediate stop sign that always causes congestion....should people actually stop.

I forgot to mention the entrance has two lanes, one for people going to the left side and one for people going to the right side. We happened to be in the left lane. A behemouth of a white Ford SUV (Excursion I think) was in the right lane, slightly behind us. Not for long though. As we approached the stop sign, the Ford cuts us off, narrowly avoiding crushing in the right side of our car (the side with Little Bug) and then slams on his brakes to stop at the stop sign. I also slam on my brakes to avoid dying. It is then that I see the plates on the vehicle are Mexican (as in from Mexico) and I say a few "Fucking Mexican drivers" and some other profanities and then thank my lucky stars that he didn't hit us. You see, Mexican drivers drive on our Texas roads without insurance. Should they crush the fuck out of your car, you are held liable for the damages. Fair right?

So, White Ford turns left, as do we, and I am strongly considering ripping this guy a new asshole should he stop at Target like me. I litterally am saying out loud "I hope this mother fucking peice of garbage fucking goes to Target. I'll fucking verbally rape him from groceries to toys (one side of the store to the other). Fucking illegal fucking bastard." White Ford then turns into a row of parking spaces in front of Target and then backs into a space near the front. Like the fucking jackass he is, he parks well over the line.

We drive past and of course I honk and flip him off, it would be un-American to just let it go. To my suprise, he returns the middle finger and I'm sure some choice language as I saw his lips moving. Whatever. He's a fucking twat that could have killed us and he's mad at me? Go fuck yourself. We park further down, I like to have a little bit more room and hubby jokes that guy is just asking to have his car hit on accident by a cart. I reply that he's asking to have my fucking foot up his ass and my hands around his throat.

I am suddenly fully enraged as I exit the car,. Maybe it's that Momma Grizzly shit Sarah Palin spews, maybe it's PMS, but as I see White Ford start to exit his vehicle, I unload.

Me: What the fuck is wrong with you? You could have fucking killed us? That's how you fucking drive?
White Ford (in a whiny Mexican accent): Whatever bitch. I didn't fucking hit you.
Me: You could have you piece of fucking shit! Learn how to fucking drive!
White Ford: Stupid white bitch.
Me: If you're gonna drive like a fucking asshole, go back to mother fucking Mexico and drive like that!

This sets him off and he very effimanately stomps towards me with a US Passport in his hand and shouts "You see this you fucking white bitch? You fucking see that? What now bitch?'

Let's step away for a second from the situation to analyze. He's the one who brought up race, not me. He's the one who almost caused an accident and then parked like an asshole, not me. He also has to carry his US Passport on him. Anchor, fucking, baby. His mother was with him....did I forget to mention that? She was whining as well but saying "No Alex, stop. She'll call la policia. Stop, just say sorry, stop." Why would she be worried about the police? Maybe because she is a god damn fucking illegal???? Got some coke in that Ford? Maybe a warrant or two? Anyway....back to the fight...

Me: What now? What about your Texas Driver's Licsense? Got one of those?
Anchor Baby: You must be a fucking racist. What a fucking white bitch racist!
Me: Because I said drive in Mexico with your MEXICAN plated vehicle? You're the one calling me a white bitch! Guess what asshole, if you are an AMERICAN citizen living in the state of Texas, you have to have your vehicle registered in the fucking state of TEXAS. Not fucking Juarez. You're fucking not only breaking the law with your fucking regisration, you're fucking breaking the law by driving like a fucking asshole. So yeah, take your ass and your un-insured Mexican plated car back to fucking Mexico!
Anchor Baby: You cant't fucking tell me what to do you fucking white puta!
Me: I can call the cops you fucking spic bastard (not my proudest moment, but I fight fire with fire).

Anchor Baby and Illegal Mami then scattered like the cockroaches they are into the HBA section of Target and I snapped out of my rage. Hubby, even though he wanted to be the one to destroy this jackass, took Little Bug inside the store and away from the potential brawl outside. He said later he knew I could drop that guy in as little as three punches and that the mother would cower in fear. He also said he was suprised I didn't drive them to suicide with my words...frankly, I was shocked as well. I didn't play my borderline sociopathic card, I let my rage grab ahold and all I saw was a fucking POS that could have hurt or killed my Little Bug.

It isn't about his race, I would have cussed out a white, black or even Asian man. Difference is, 9 times out of 10, any of the above three wouldn't have called me a fucking white bitch. Maybe a crazy one, okay, definately a crazy bitch, but not a white one. You know why? Because they aren't intitled racist assholes.

The problem with this region of the country IS MEXICO. It's a violent, filthy cesspool of corruption that enables and encourages it's citizens to get one over on the USA and the white man.

"Go ahead, sneak into the US and have your baby there. Not only will the hospiatl bills be free, but your kid is now a US citizen. You'll get WIC and welfare and you can keep your vehicle registered here in Mexico, they won't do anything about it! You don't have to have insurance or pay taxes, and when he's 18, he'll go to UTEP for free and screw over all those white kids who deserved that scholarship."

I think allowing US citizenship for those born of illegal parents is deplorable. It's just one more fucking way we screw over our own citizens, but let's put that aside for a moment. He's a US citizen. That means you follow the fucking laws of the country and state you live in. You don't get it both ways. You don't get to flash that passport and take advantage of all of the benifits of our great country all the while breaking the law because Mexico is allowing you to. You're either a Mexican citizen or an American.

Imagine the revenue from the registration and taxing of every Mexican vehicle that is being driven on our Texas roads illegally. Imagine the revenue for insurance companies if these people had to have it for their now Texas registered vehicles. Imagine the revenue from speeding and parking tickets for these now traceable vehicles. And I'm not talking about just El Paso. The whole fucking state of Texas would benifit. And Arizona and New Mexico....maybe even California (except I think nothing can help that pit of a state).

I'm sick of hearing about the rights of Illegal Aliens. They have no rights. They are criminals simply because they have chosen to enter the USA illegally. They are a burden on our healthcare and welfare systems. They enjoy entitlements meant for American citizens that American citizens are often turned down for (we couldn't get reduced healthcare for Little Bug because we make too much, yet can't afford it with what we make, but I know Mexican citizens getting CHIP, WIC, and unemployment). They drive on our roads and cause damage that they aren't cited for and don't pay for. And yes, not every illegal alien does this, some are law abiding citizens....except that they aren't because they are here ILLEGALLY.

Obama pot shot time. Here is a man that has no problem sending our military into another war (Oh hello Libya), spends our nations money recklessly, pushes through legislation that gives healthcare to illegals, litterally says that Americans don't know whats best for them, and does it with a cocky smirk on his face, while American citizens go without. While American citizens are terrorized by Mexican gangs. While American military service men and women die. While American citizens go years without work. While American citizens watch our nations credit rating get downgraded.

I don't see Pink singing a "Dear Mr. President" song about that. I actually don't hear anything from all these people who swore Obama would be different. You all were right though. He sure was a hole hell of a lot different than you thought huh?

Oi vey. We started at Target, took a trip down to Mexico and then a cruise missle to DC. I know. Random. Hey, let's stop off in Iowa. All those Republicans vying for the GOP's nomination are just as bad. But that's for the next blog.

Monday, August 8, 2011 1 comments

My Name Is?

Say the title of the blog outloud. Just do it. Okay, you know how at the end of the sentence, you put that inflection on it that makes it sound like a question? Now imagine that inflection on every sentence a person says. Every. Single. Sentence. If you can imagine that, then you now know what it's like to talk to My Name Is?

When a sentence is not a question yet still ends in one is by far one of the most annoying speech characteristics a person can have. It's maddening. So much so, that I tend to respond with "Are you asking me or telling me?" The problem is that My Name Is? doesn't get it and always, always, ALWAYS responds with "Huh?"

My Name Is? is a nice enough girl. She's quiet, always turns her work in on time (even if it sucks...and it always does), always laughs at my jokes, and always has this look on her face that reminds me of a wounded puppy. She has been on my Learning Team for the past two classes strictly because Instructor USA asked us IN FRONT OF HER if we wanted her on our team. How can you look at a wounded puppy and say no? HOW?!

So My Name Is? was supposed to meet me before class to do a dry run of our group presentation tonight. Class is at 1800, so she said she'd be here at 1700. Nope, didn't happen. She showed up at 1730 and said "So I read over the presentation? I am doing the first five slides? I think I know what to say?" To which I say "You do?" and she says "I do?".

Now, I wasn't in class last week so maybe I just forgot that EVERYTHING is a question to her, but we seriously went back and forth for another five min. I finally said "Wait, do you know what to say or not?" to which she replied "No?'.

So I hand her the note cards I prepared and she read them over. I waited for 15 more min and she finally finishes the 5 index cards and says "So, I need to say this." WITHOUT A QUESTION MARK PEOPLE. I shockingly take it as a statement and get up to go to the restroom, but she says again "So, I say what's on the cards." I sort of nod and go to the restroom, thinking she is talking to herself, I mean, it was a statement for once. Not a question.

I come back to the class and she has a more severe wounded puppy face. Like if you kicked said wounded puppy square in the teeth and called it a fucking mutt. I ask her what's wrong and she says "You just ignored my questions? Are you mad at me." Seriously?!?!?! It's like f-ing opposite day all the time with her! I made up some excuse about how I couldn't hear her and I really had to pee and you should have seen her face shift from devestated puppy back to wounded.

I think I am just a magnet for these people. Or maybe it's God's way of forcing a filter on me.

Anyway, we killed our presentation. I volunteeed to have our group go first. We had to design a prison or jail and I nailed that shit. I made our prison basically model ADMAX Florence in Colorado. How can you beat an already exsisting SuperMAX prison? Oh, that's right, you can't. AND since the US only has one, there is a justafiable need for another one. The Warden was beaming with pride and didn't ask questions, just added a few comments about stuff we discussed. Not in a "You didn't fucking explain it right" but in a "I have a funny story to add to that" way. We weren't winning, we were destroying.

I'd go into the current presentation, but all I hear is Blah Blah Blah, but not in a Ke$ha song way, more like the teacher from Charlie Brown. However, I now know that "There's lots of black peoples in jail", "Libarries are important even for the guys in jails that don't read and stuff", Mrs. Wannabe Officer went into great detail about the food they would serve in their jail, and apparently, they're "gonna let the prisoners eat some good food"

Thank God I start Math next week and I'll get a break from these people.