Sunday, November 13, 2011

Who Do You Think You Are?

This blog is TWO weeks in the making. Actually, ten years in the making, but I meant to write this one two weeks ago. I would tell you what happened in school two Thursdays ago, but it's what happened when I got home from school two Thursdays ago that is really the spotlight.

Class was actually pretty blog worthy too. My fucking filthy, fat and lazy teammate Tejas Mo didn't do his portion of our assignment and gave me 14 different conflicting excuses why which culminated in me telling him how fucking lazy and stupid he is and our instructor giving him zero credit. I had a whole blog written on it in my head to type out when I got home (our instructor has a no comp policy when others are presenting) but something magical happened when I pulled in the driveway.

Let me back it up a bit. The scum of the earth live across the street from us. They have since we moved to Texas 10 years ago. Every neighbor on the block came over and warned us of all there crazy experiences with this family and told us to be careful. The six children used to have knock down drag out fights in the front yard, screaming matches between the mom and ex-husband, and one time the oldest daughter ran away once to our house and told us all about how all of the children had been molested and sodomized by the step-dad and his friend (aged 60+ at the time) and how she hated her crazy mom so much. My mother called the cops, like you're supposed to, but the girl recanted and said we made the whole thing up. One time, no shit, I witnessed the oldest daughter giving the old man step dad a lap dance in the drive way. Granted, it took home an average of ten min to get from his car to the front door so maybe she was providing motivation.

Anyway, before I had left for the Air Force, the cops had been to that house probably 100+ times on anything from curfew violations, noise, fighting, restraining orders (the girl had a crazy bf who is now the father of her child...and the three she aborted before that) and abuse charges. While I was away, my parents said it was even worse. They built a second story to their home ad moved even more people in. On any given night, there are 6-11 cars parked out front. Almost every night, they blast music until the wee hours and her now 15 year old youngest daughter gets drunk and high in the front yard with her siblings and friends.

We've called the cops a million times. So has most of the neighborhood. However, no one ever leaves a name out of fear of retaliation. They actually called the health department on our cats, saying that we were feeding strays. Our chipped, fixed, vaccinated and registered cats. I was tempted to cut them myself for one, using the law to attempt revenge, and two, for fucking with my animals, but I didn't. I told myself that no scheme I could dream up would do to them what karma would. Boy oh boy was I right.

The Saturday before Halloween they threw a party. No surprise. These are the same people that put a bouncy castle in their driveway on a Tuesday for no reason. So 11pm hit and I got everyone in our house plus some neighbors to call in the noise violation, curfew violations and to also mention the strong smell of pot. About 1230 am or 1 am the cops show up. I meet them outside before they go over there and I lay it on thick. I mean truly Oscar worthy if I do say so myself. I tell them that these people are just so scary and that they have made every ones life hell. I tell them the music keeps everyone up (they actually turned it up more while I was talking to the cops). I told them that my poor 3 year old baby girl couldn't sleep because her window faces them (all while looking at the female cop...she was sooo on my side after that). I told them how we were sick of living in fear that our cars would be vandalized or that beer bottles would be smashed in the street. I look the male cop straight in his eyes and said "I'm just so grateful that EPPD has officers like you that truly care". It was amazing.

They told me to go inside so the Douchbag family wouldn't see me and the male said "Ma'am, you shouldn't have to live in fear. We'll handle this." So what if it was said to my breasts....whatever works. So they went over. It took almost 10 min for someone to come to the door. I couldn't hear anything, but the crazy mom tried to slam the door in the male officers face. He kept it open with a stiff arm and it looked pretty heated. The female officer put her hand on her weapon a few times. I was hoping for a shoot out, but it ended in a citation. The Douchebags went back inside, but the officers stuck around and took down the plate of every car there....

One plate in particular was important. The Old Man step dad's. Little did we know, Paul H. Flynn, 78, of El Paso, Texas, had a warrant out for his arrest. We learned of this two Wednesdays ago when EP County Sheriff's, EPPD SWAT and ICE agents raided their house. I mean kickin' down doors, scaling walls and the whole nine yards. Evidence was seized, weapons removed and a kindly SWAT guy let us know to BOLO for Mr. Flynn. The warrant was for Felony Theft less than 100,000 but greater than 20,000....but three agencies don't kick in your damn door for theft. Apparently he was wanted for some other stuff they haven't been able to prove yet.

So the following night, I get home from class and I am flabbergasted to see his Lincoln with it's handicapped plate (he uses a cane and has a mean hunchback) sitting boldly in their driveway. I call 911 as instructed by the police to do so and tell them that he is there. How fucking stupid are you to go back there? I mean shit, they raided your house, you don't think they'll come back????

EPPD sorta kinda fucked this one up. Four units descended on the house in a staggered formation, but the oldest daughter was going to her car as they did. She ran back inside (to warn everyone) and then came back out with her bat shit mother and they told the cops that he escaped out the back door and hopped a rock wall into the storm ditch behind their house. Really. A 78-year-old man with a cane hopped a 8 foot high rock wall and escaped. I thought "Surely they can't believe this, they're gonna check the house" but no. Didn't happen. 3 of the 4 officers went into the gas line, under the fence, and into the storm ditch to search. They came back out 15 min later and took off. We saw them driving in the subdivision behind ours with spotlights. Every 5 to 10 min we would see a patrol car drive down our street. Finally, after an hour or two the old man slowly....and I mean with steps that seemed eternally slow...hobbles out to his car with his 32 year junior wife following.

We called 911 to inform them that not only had the officers been duped, he was trying to flee again. Oh, did I fail to mention we were sitting in our neighbors driveway with hot cocoa and popcorn? No joke. Nothing is better than witnessing Karma at work first hand. Anyway, the cops finally apprehended him at his OTHER house a few blocks away. He was booked and released on a bond that they put their house up as collateral for.

I had a brief, yet very entertaining verbal altercation with one of the sons that he raped the next day as well. Yes, I am going to hell, but as he told me to go suck off my father, I had no choice but to reply "Oh sorry, I'm not into that. I hear you really liked getting ass raped by the felon though. Your sister told us all about it. Did he make you call him daddy?" Even Hubby informed me I was gonna burn for that one. Worth it I think. All he could reply with was that I was a whore and a bitch and fucking stupid. He drove off spastically while flipping me off and making cock sucking motions to which I said "I hear you are good at that!" and then a "God Bless" for good measure.

It's been all quiet on the western front since then. Well, someone broke a beer bottle in front of our car that was parked on the street last night. The glass was politely swept up and placed in their driveway. I'm hoping they are actually stupid enough to try something. I would love for him to get his bail revoked or for him to flee and they lose the house. I am tempted to stage Operation Hip Replacement where I kidnap the old man and prevent him from making his court date. Too much?

Anyway, stand by for blog #2 of the night. It's back to school.


Shannon said...

I cannot tell you how hard I am laughing over here. INSANE neighbors you have....I will help you with the kidnapping. Let me know. :)

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