Thursday, October 27, 2011

Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell

It has finally happened. I have been placed in a class that is very likely what I will experience when I am burning in hell. I'm sure I have said it before, but never in my life have I witnessed such ignorance. I mean it this time. These people make the inbred freaks from The Hills Have Eyes look like Einstein. I am still trying to wrap my mind around the how these people graduated high school, let alone got into college. I will do my best to describe them to you all, but we may have to have a part two to cover this one.

I already knew by reading the class roster that I was the only white person and that's including the teacher. There were a few names that perhaps could have been pronounced differently than what I was thinking, but my gut told me I was a lone wolf. No biggie, race doesn't matter to me, all I care about is that you do your damn work, and from the looks of our syllabus, there is going to be A LOT of group work. So I find the building and room that our class is in say a general "Hello" to the people that are already there and then sit down at a desk (they seat two per) that has two open to my right and one to my left. A seating choice, might I add, that clearly says that I like my space. I even spread out my binder, laptop, coffee and bag on the desk, so it was abundantly clear that you should pick another spot.

Didn't matter. In walks a pockmarked, fat, greasy yet flamboyant Hispanic mail that says "Hola beetches" to the room and sits down in the one spot to my left. He has a chipped manicure on his right hand, a stained Texas shirt (my heart wept for Bevo) and his jeans were low rise. Yeah, you read that right, LOW RISE. I could see his hairy paunch from a mile away. He starts setting up his things on his desk and sees my computer and says "Ayyyyyeeee, she's smart, she bought a small cheap computer!" to I am assuming the woman on his right. I replied "Well, no, I bought a Macbook Pro. You know, made by Apple. Maybe you've heard of them." He just gave me a blank stare and said (about two minutes of staring later) he said "Oh, the guy that died mades those. The guy that makes the jobs". Without laughing at his face I said "Um, Steve Jobs? Yeah, he ran Apple and he died recently". Now I'm not judging (oh wait.....) but this guy had some no name brick of a laptop and has the nerve to call mine cheap and small?! No dude, it wasn't cheap and just because it's lighter than yours doesn't mean it's small. And STEVE JOBS DIED, not the guy that makes the jobs. He then sees my phone (an iPhone 4) and says "Oh, how do you like your ayyyyyy phone?" but before I can answer, he says "It's a 3 huh? This like just came out." Oh and guess what, he gets a blog name. Why? Because he's my new team member. I think I'll go with Tejas Mo.

So the next class members trickle in and every last one of them spoke to me in Spanish first. With each limp wristed handshake they would offer, I would say "I'm Tiffany and I do not speak Spanish", to which I would get "Oy yay, that sucks" or "Oh so we have to use English then for you?" in response. These two guys came in at the same time and one sat down right next to me and the other made a loud sigh and sat in front of us. The one next to me says to the girl next to him "oh I see how it is, you let someone steal our spots. Imma get you back". Clearly he is referring to where I am sitting, so I say "Are you talking about this spot? I can move so you can sit together. All you have to do is ask instead of acting as if I can't hear you". Apparently this excited him as he then attempted to turn on his charm. We'll call him Rico Suave (since he was pretty gross too). He licked his cold sore covered lips, no joke, and says "No ju can sit right next to me. We're just playin" as his eyes focused right at my chest. Super.

Our instructor is actually pretty cool. Been in law enforcement for 10+ years. Dry witted and doesn't take any shit. When she was introducing herself and the course, the group of Juarez Teenagers (of which Rico is included) to my right were rambling on in Spanish. She cut them off and said "This is Written and Oral Communication in Law ENGLISH. Do I need to add that to the slide? That we speak ENGLISH here?" I had to use all my strength not to burst into laughter. She then asked us to ask some questions that were on the slide to the person next to us. We couldn't write down their answers, we had to retain it and then introduce them to the class based on the answers.

Rico Suave tried to ask me, but I had already turned to Tejas Mo. Big mistake. He asked me the questions but before I had finished answering, he was on to the next. When we introduced each other, I remembered everything he said and added a few witty quips, everyone laughed, it was good. But when he introduced me....well, let's just say if my biography was written on what he said, you wouldn't know it was me. Apparently, I want to be a stay at home mom when I get out of the Army and that me and my retired husband are trying to have kids. I want to get my "doctor degree thing" to be a border patrol agent and I like to read books with my glasses. No exaggeration. I tried to correct him, but Instructor said "This is an example of inactive listening, well, really bad listening" and then asked me all the questions about myself. She then said "And that's the ACTUAL Tiffany".

We had to do a few skits based on non-verbal ques from suspects and how different phrases could be said different ways and I, not only being the only vet, but the only person with law enforcement experience, was light years ahead of these people. Apparently, semantics is a hard word (the book defines it three times in our reading), hopeful means the same as helpful, and a NON-VERBAL queue is when someone SAYS stop. I did a mock traffic stop where you suspect the driver of driving drunk and THREE people commented after that "That's what the cop sounded like that got me for my DUI."How are you wanting to be in law enforcement and you've gotten a DUI?!

When it came time to pick teams, the Juarez Teenagers wanted to do two groups of five (it would have put me in their group). Instructor explained that while we only had 10 people right then, that we had 12 total, so we could do 4 groups of 3 or 3 groups of 4. Rico Suave apparently can't count because he again said "So like two groups of five". After I patiently (yes me) explained numbers and math to him, the Juarez Teenagers made their own group, a male and female who knew the two absentees made a group and I got stuck with Tejas Mo and Joe Cool, a Hispanic male from Chicago who tries a wee bit too hard to put off a straight, tough guy vibe. At least Joe Cool isn't an idiot, and during our bathroom break told me that he had Tejas Mo last time and that he was glad he didn't have to deal with his suckage on his own.

I had to explain the homework to Tejas Mo SIX DAMN TIMES. I still don't think he gets it. I don't actually need him for the group project, or Joe Cool for that matter. Most of the group work actually takes place in class, so that's one less thing to worry about.

I am actually pretty grateful I didn't get the Juarez Teenagers, I might have killed them all. I think they are actually all Americans and are all 21+, but they spent the majority of the class talking amongst themselves about where they go to party in Juarez and how you can get a lot of high school girls there. The one female, a 4'10" size negative Hispanic female with a perma-scowl on her hairy face, kept saying "Yeah but they don't know how to fuck. You gotta get a real woman." Like you? It was all around creepy. They even made plans to go to a house party together tomorrow night. The one guy I thought might have a brain in the bunch (he said he didn't drink and seemed to have a legitimate career plan) added "I'll come if you bring some bud. You know I don't like to drink". But you'll smoke pot and you want to be DEA. Awesome combo.

I'd touch on the other group but they were pretty forgettable. I know the male was short and fat and said he worked security. When asked where at, he said "You know, like people pay me to do security at events and stuff. I'm like a bouncer." Yes, if by bouncer you mean they could use you as a trampoline. The female was older and just kept talking about how she doesn't know what she wants to do in the criminal justice system, how she wanted a career that "had like less long hours but paid good and stuff." Yep, that's law enforcement. Less long hours but pays good and stuff. They actually had a pregnant female in their group who left early. She wore a dress that left nothing to the imagination; every dimple and fat roll, even her thong pantie line (yes, I know thongs don't show pantie lines) and mad cleavage. Do women not know what slips are anymore? Do they not know what shape wear is? I know she is pregnant, but they make that stuff for pregnant women. And she almost fell 3 or 10 times in her 4 inch (no lie) lace covered heels. I think she may be working the poll on the day shift.

My brain is turning to mush. Until next blog!


Shannon said...

SIZE NEGATIVE... BAHAHAHAHA!! I love this post. This is going to be so good. I actually miss SIMM....

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