Monday, June 27, 2011

Be True To Your School

1805 hrs (6:05 pm for you civvies) and class has not started. Five people aren't here....not a shocker, it's the same ones who are always late. My instructor keeps giving me nervous glances since I have already called him out on his perpetual inability to start class on time.

He just started, 1806 hrs. Also just referenced that papers must be posted by 1159 pm tonight in accordance with class policies. Yeah, that was my doing. Fucker tried to mark my paper as late and gave me half credit until I informed him that it was not late in accordance with his policy letter. Two weeks later, I have full credit and I have made him my bitch.

He's now explaining to the class that next week's presentation needs to be done at a college level. What the shit? If you have to explain that to them, maybe they shouldn't be in college. Oh how cute, he thinks I am diligently taking notes. Nope, just trying to stay awake.

Dear God, he is giving out performance awards for the 2nd week paper. Lame, I know. And I already know it was going to be mine. 10/10 on my paper, yeah, no one was going to beat that. Very few people in my class can even spell correctly with spell check, let alone put together an essay. He put in my notes that I had the best paper in the class, yet again. Really? Is that why you tried to give me half credit the first time?

Ooh, he gave me a mini-Hershey bar. Guess I can pretend to listen for the next hour.....

1834 hrs: I must inform you that African Army just got schooled by instructor. For those of you who do not know African Army, he is ACTUALLY an African but joined the US Army for citizenship. He is a racist, a homophobe, an anti-Semite and very anti-Law enforcement, yet is studying criminal justice. He tries to argue with everything I say and one I have reduced his opinion to the poop that it is, typically says something hateful under his breath. I really just LOL'ed when he was told just how wrong he is.

1845 hrs: Mrs. Wannabe Officer (a school security guard who never shuts up...ever) randomly says "Oh the picture was in black and white on our print out but now I get what you mean by see the whole picture because we can see it in the PowerPoint." No bitch, that's not at all what he meant.

1851: Couldn't make it to 1900 hrs. Former Team Member Stinky keeps staring at me. He does this every class. So fucking creepy. Like, dude, we kicked you out of the group for a reason. You're lazy, stupid, and creepy. Quit trying to read my computer screen. Better yet, read it. YOU FUCKING SMELL LIKE YOU BATHED IN SHIT. Oh, didn't see that? Gonna keep staring hard at my screen, if only I could magnify this shit for you. Wait, I can. Just zoomed in. Maybe he will get the fucking hint.

SN: Why is he so obsessed with Nazi's? He references them at least twice every lecture. Right now he's sharing his research on the Gestapo in Germany.

1902 hrs: FTM Stinky is doing the hungry chicken trying to stay awake. So tempted to drop my binder in front of him or bump the shit out of his chair. No wonder you're failing. Tool.

1922 hrs: He just woke up by face planting on the table. Classic. I not only laughed, I pointed and laughed. Hard. Not the best idea, I have to pee really bad. Oh thank god, break time.

1745 hrs: Line at Subway was out the door and down the block so we walked to the corner's 103 still. Bad idea. And I didn't buy more water. Shit. Back in class to find YouTube up on the projector with a video about Nazi Germany cued up. This shit is gettin' super weird. I mean, he strongly condemns them, but there is a slight air of admiration for how efficiently they ran their government. The video has "Mad World" by Tears For Fears playing in the background. Great, I want to see emaciated Jews and Hitler when I hear this song next time.

2003 hrs: Mrs. Wannabe Officer is speaking again. Thanks bitch, we really wanted to know that you thought parole and probation was illegal. Seriously.

2015 hrs: Instructor USA just said "One int he hand is worth two in the bush". Apparently I am the only one who saw that Geico commercial and I LOL'ed.

2024 hrs: Sunflower seeds were a bad idea. My mouth is raw. Totally can't enjoy my Monster now. Tastes like salt, but not in a good way.

2037 hrs: Every time Mrs. Wannabe Officer asks an irrelevant question, I am tempted to heckle. She asked about the 5th amendment. She asked if you can get around it. I know Instructor USA wants to strangle her, you can see it in his eyes. He used to assume she was joking, quickly realized she is serious and does not know the answer and begrudgingly explains each answer. Then she asked if Casey Anthony got around the 5th amendment. Oh, the things I want to say to her. Sadly, very few of them have anything to do with her intelligence.

2103 hrs: We are done for the night. Does Instructor USA release us early? Nope. We are watching a scene from Liar, Liar. Great movie. Gotta love that Jim Carey. Would I choose to sit here and watch it instead of going home? No. I was not aware that we pay so much to watch a movie. I already pay for Netflix. I can watch it there. At my home. With my family. Or not watch it. We aren't just watching the final courtroom scene, Instructor USA is giving us a play by play narrative. Because Jim Carey movies are that complex. This isn't Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, it's fucking Liar, Liar....not that deep.

2110 hrs: Clearly, Reese Witherspoon's epiphany in Legally Blonde was stolen from Jim Carey's in Liar Liar. Clearly. I have less appreciation for Elle Woods' perm revelation now. "That fact that my client has been ridden more than Seatle Sleugh is irrelevant".

2113 hrs: I think he may dismiss us soon. Yay!

Sorry about my non-fitness related rant. Hope you think no less of me than you did already.


Tiffany said...

Just kidding. We have to watch another video. This one is on Drug War: America. Cheesy opening title and PSA music included.

Courtney Fleming said...

Dear Lord, this is so painful and funny at the same time. I was just looking into going back to school today... I may now reconsider...

Tiffany said...

I want to say "No, it's just my class" but I really don't think that's true. It might be, but I haven't seen evidence to support that.

Shannon said...

I am sitting here with tears since I laughed so hard just now.... BAHAHAHA... you should write a column. This is hilarious. Can I come with you to class one night? :)

Tiffany said...

My mom has asked the same thing. I'm not sure if you can audit a class, but I am going to figure out a way to stream the class from my phone or webcam. It's going to happen.

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