Friday, August 24, 2012

Before He Cheats

I wasn't going to blog today. I went and saw 2016: Obama's America (it was good!) and then had Little Bug's Meet the Teacher thing for Pre-K. I was perfectly content on coming home, feeding the kid, maybe drinking some wine, and then taking a coma. But as the fates would have it, I logged on to FB to find something that cannot go un-blogged about.

Let me start by giving you some back story. I've known one of the subjects of this blog for well over 15 years. My family went to church with him and his family, he may or may not have dated my sister for a spell, I think I made out with his cousin once in a parked know, church kids gone wild. Whatever. The guy hasn't crossed my mind in years.

I got a friend request from him a few months back and after asking someone else who the heck he was, I said, "Sure, let's take a walk down memory lane." I approved the request and then looked around on his page, nothing remarkable. I thought that the obligatory "Hey! How the heck are you?" would soon come, but it didn't. He sent the request, not me, so I wasn't going to say anything. Until today, I had yet to "Like" or comment on anything of his. The appropriate amount of time to do so had passed.

I never see his posts in my news feed. Like, ever. But today, at the top of my feed, was this gem:

And OF COURSE I "Liked" that shit. How do you not click "Like" when you see that a jilted ex-gf has hijacked his account?! Once I managed to read through the grammatically challenged diatribe, I LOL'd real world for a while. I was Skyping with my older sister at the time and even she had a laugh. She informed me that church should be pretty interesting come Sunday and that she was not responsible for anything she KNEW I would be adding to it. She knows me so well.

From what I remember about James, everything she claims he has done sounds legit. I'm a little disconcerted because he still lives in his childhood bedroom and I would hate to think he was bangin' skanks with his parents in the other room. Not classy bro. But this is me, and I have to comment. I thought that she was only a one-time poster, but after I told her to enroll in an English class, Jilty McPsycho Ex accused me of having cheated on James. 

After I swallowed my vomit, I had to defend my honor. I informed her that I had never been anything with James and that even though Lindsey had relations with him, didn't mean everyone else did. I don't even know this Lindsey gal. I looked at her profile since her last name was provided to everyone and admittedly, she looks like a skank. I may have been infected with herpes just looking at her picture. And the praying thing and saying hi to his momma, that was for laughs. It isn't my fault inbred folk don't get it.

Nicole, who is one of my oldest and dearest friends, commented as well (as you can see). We carried on a separate conversation on her page about this conversation. Totes hilarious.

Now some more...

I could have just accepted her apology and let it ride, but through my tears of extreme laughter, I had to continue. But this Lacey comes out of nowhere and decides that anyone else commenting on this needs to grow up and sounds like trash.

I don't know what it is about the people that lurk around the slums of my hometown, but they bring this fight out in me that can't be reigned in too easily. What's worse is that all the sarcasm and sick burns of the world are lost in their tiny little brains. I mean, you, my loyal readers, can read these posts and giggle right? Those of you who know these people and read my blog, you're gasping for breath from laughing so hard...I know it. Why can't this broad see the humor in it?

And really, accusing me of being high is the best comeback she's got? Honey, have you seen me scratching my neck outside of your cook house looking to score? No? Then I'm not high.

All of this could have been avoided (thankfully it was not) if Jilty McPsycho Ex had just followed some simple rules that I will now present to you.

The Rules for Getting Revenge on Your Cheating BF:

1. Correct spelling and grammar are an absolute must. 
We want to take you seriously, we do. The run-on sentences and liberties you've taken with spelling make that impossible.

2. Keep it short and not so sweet.
This gal has the right idea:                                                         

As does this one:

And if you must go the hacking of the FB page route:

3. This is by far the most important rule. Pay attention. GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND FORGET ABOUT HIS CHEATING ASS!
Seriously, he cheated on you. Why lower yourself to his level by pulling this shit? Carrie Underwood led all of you jilted bitches astray when she described the damage she did to some schmuck's truck. He fucks another woman so you end up in jail? Because that's what happens when you bash in windows and slash tires. You go to jail because you will get caught. Especially when you hack his FB and Twitter to tell everyone how he wronged you. It's called motive, you has it.

What I wouldn't give for the women of the world (and skanks of Lodi) to stop thinking they can change a man. Your pussy wasn't so magical that he immediately stopped his cheating ways. If he got with you while he was with his ex, that should have been a sign. Also, just a thought, but if he doesn't ever check his FB, wasn't it all kind of pointless? 

See you all Monday.


Jennifer Caldwell said...

MEDDLING WHITE TRASH! ha! It almost made up for the nightmares.

hero said...

nice blog, just support to you, if there is free time visit my blog

ChrisDavid said...

Sometimes I wish I would have gone to my originally HS so I could take part in some of these misadventures. Then, I realize I am better off not.

Shannon {ava_caitlyn} said...

Lovely!!! LMAO!!! This is hilarious, but I loved hearing you tell it at Starbucks. LOL!!! :)

John McCord said...

The packers photo...classic. I remember posting it during the game on FB, super owned.

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