Funky Chicken

I tend to refer to my dear friend Nic when it comes to all things gay. I've known him since middle school and we've had some grand adventures. We would ride around for hours in his Jeep Cherokee and do all sorts of silliness. We even protested the choosing of hot pink as our junior class color by forming Junior's Against Hot Pink (JAHP). It was just us two, but we made the yearbook bitches. I always knew he was gay (though he didn't tell me until later) and it never bothered me. Even being a regular (forced) church-goer, it just didn't seem wrong to me. He is who he is and he can love who he loves and that's all that matters.

Nic also served in the Air Force (before I did) and while I was in basic, he sent me the funniest letters telling me to keep my head up and where to sneak candy from. He sent me pics of him acting a fool at his job (photography) and told me he was proud of me. I once asked him how he felt about "don't ask, don't tell" and he replied with something along the lines of "If the Air Force can't tell I'm gay then that's their problem!" He served his country honorably, probably more than a whole lotta straight folks.

So it should come as no surprise that in the midst of all these people condemning Chick-Fil-A for their CEO's personal beliefs, I would defer to Nic. I have my own opinion on it, of course.

I think a man who runs a privately owned company can donate to whomever he pleases and praise whatever god he chooses and think marriage is between a man and a woman all he wants. That's what the 1st Amendment is for. It doesn't only apply to liberals. I don't have to agree with him (and I don't), but I don't think mayors of any city have the right to say that a business that will employ it's residents can't operate there. In this economy, you take jobs where you can get 'em. Chick-Fil-A employs gay people, they serve them food, and they have NEVER been accused of discriminating against them as a company. You don't want to eat there? Fine. But by threatening to pull your business until they change their beliefs is...what did the ACLU call it? Oh yeah. Viewpoint discrimination.

But I digress. I asked Nic to write a guest blog about where he stands on this issue. He was more than happy to oblige:

You know that old saying “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?” This phrase is, without a doubt, completely and utterly true for me. A tasty and delicious meal can put me in the happiest of moods, and a crappy or bland meal can leave me winning the day’s official Sour Puss award. People could tell me the worst things about certain types of food, but I would still eat it. I would just laugh in their face while I stuffed my mouth with a KFC Double Down chicken “sandwich”. If it’s good, it’s good.

Why do I open with this pearl of wisdom about my love of food? Because as a gay man, I am supposed to hate Chik-Fil-A. With every glitter-covered fiber of my being, I am supposed to think that this is the restaurant that the devil frequents when he needs a quick bite, or when it’s 3AM and he is jonesing for something tasty to soak up all that evil alcohol he’s been consuming. But what I’ve been told, really, is that I am supposed to completely forget every time I’ve licked the inside of a French fry container because the lingering taste from the consumed fries taunts me from the inside of the package. I am supposed to forget every time I’ve stuffed my face with more than enough food, stopping to think “If I have another bite, I could explode” but then realize that it’s worth it and finish the rest of the sandwich. More so, I am supposed to forget the wonderfully cheerful people that have always helped me, and while they are paid to smile and be friendly and not look like they’re judging me for my large order, I know that a small part of them is really nice and friendly and not judging. Yes, I am supposed to forget all of this because the man that signs his name to all the Chik-Fil-A checks decided that it would be a good idea to give money to the Anti-Gay Campaigns.

To begin with, I would just like to state that this man is an idiot. I mean, why did he think it would be a good idea to make these contributions from the corporate account? He could have easily made them from his own account. While it would still be partially associated with him, as he is the President of the company, it wouldn’t have been as big of a deal (like it is now). This route would have saved the company a whole lot of bad press, and all of the anger would have been pushed directly to him. I mean, he seemed to be very pleased with the outcome of everything, since he was happy to accept the blame of the situation (made apparent by his “guilty as charged” remark). Though, I must say...way to be so proud of yourself while still being a complete douche. Kudos to you Mr. Cathy.

I haven’t been to a Chik-Fil-A in years. I think the last time was when I was in Ohio, and I think I went there to console myself and make me feel good about being in Ohio. Lord knows I needed something. I remember it being so tasty and good and a mini-escape for me. But that was forever ago. The closest location to where I am is 48 miles away in Fairfield, which is worse than Ohio (and yes, that is possible!) So, that’s the reason that I haven’t been in a long time. But if there was one closer, I would probably go there. And I know that I would have a shit-load of people screaming at me, “What are you doing? They don’t support gay marriage!” I understand that there needs to be solidarity in boycotting things, and that the power of the customer’s dollar is incredibly important. I understand this, and I know that my eating there would be horrible. But I sincerely and honestly believe that my stomach is more powerful than anything. I don’t really get into politics, but I do get into food. So now you know.

Now, aside from this company having some yummy food and completely hating gays, what else do you know about them? Probably nothing, because what’s the point of knowing anything else besides what is in the media and what is important? Do you know what the WinShape Foundation is? It’s the foundation that was created over 20 years ago by the original owners of Chik-Fil-A, Truett and Jeannette Cathy. The WinShape Foundation does a lot of stuff:

·       WinShape Homes - currently operates 11 foster care homes in Georgia, Tennessee and Alabama.

·       WinShape College Program - at Berry College in Rome, Georgia, this is a co-op program offering joint four-year scholarship funding to incoming freshmen of up to $32,000.

·       WinShape Camps - offers boys and girls summer programs at the college, which will be attended by more than 15,000 campers in 2012.

·       WinShape Retreat - offers a sequestered setting for marriage support and counseling and other gatherings on the Mountain Campus of Berry College.

·       WinShape Wilderness - an outdoor adventure program that facilitates experiential learning for all audiences in ropes course settings as well as canoeing, rock climbing and backpacking venues. Helps people use adventure to equip people to experience real change, not just in a team setting, but also through personal transformation.

·       WinShape International - mobilize leaders to transform young people and communities around the world.

Aside from all of this, they also provide $1,000 college scholarships to restaurant employees, with over $30 million dollars in total. But, aside from all of this, I’m guessing you still think that they’re completely horrible no matter what, right? Just because someone doesn’t agree with you about something, doesn’t mean that they’re completely wrong or evil or bad. It just means that you don’t agree.

Do you know how people are “fighting back” against this gay-hating corporation? They’re not going to allow them to build new locations. Seriously, the mayors of several towns throughout the US have decided that since they don’t love their gays, then they don’t want them around. Uhm...am I the only one to think this is a bit crazy? I mean, sure...it’s pretty bad-ass that some mayor is like, “Hey...gays are awesome. You don’t like them, then you can just get the hell out of here!” I think that’s pretty neat, but I also know that it’s pretty illegal. Or at the very least, it should be. Here’s why. Do you know of the Catholic church or the Mormon church or pretty much several other churches who happen to think that being gay is an abomination and that they are going to hell. What happens when one of these churches decides to build a new location, or a community center, or anything else that is church related? Nothing happens except that they get to build it. But why is that? I mean, they too hate the gays, don’t they? So why aren’t they being bullied as well? 

Perhaps the mayors of these towns should institute a new department of City Hall, called the Business Owners for Gay Love (or BAGL). Every time an individual was interested in opening a new business, they would have to come before BAGL employees and provide several references to their connection with the gay community and how much they love them. Photographs, letters of recommendations, and any other items are accepted. Yes, I’m being a complete smart ass about that, though if it gets created I am totally going to shit myself. Cause that would be so ridiculously awesome.

I think this entire thing has gotten out of hand, and continues to overwhelm the news every day. Many important stories are being overshadowed or pushed to page two because Chik-Fil-A is such a big thing right now. How about you report the story, as was done forever ago, and then let that be it. Having articles that state “Chik-Fil-A Still Hates Gays” does nothing. If, by the miracle of whatever entity you believe in, they perhaps change their mind, then you should report that. Otherwise, let the news be filled with things that are new, and not just a recap of what’s been happening and reported on for 6 months.

Here are my final remarks on this: (1) Chik-Fil-A is a restaurant that makes delicious food, and as such, should be judged on their food and nothing more; (2) the President of Chik-Fil-A is a douche, though with a name like Mr. Cathy, I would probably be as well; (3) while Chik-Fil-A has made a contribution to an anti-gay campaign (which is oh-so-wrong in the current times) they’ve also made some considerable achievements in other areas of philanthropy; (4) the news needs to stop reporting on this, as the story is completely old and over with, and we’ve already decided which side of the fence we stand on with this; (5) if I could, I would be eating a gallon of Chik-Fil-A fries right now, because I’m a Fat Bottomed Boy and my stomach is more important than politics. 


Nic (who is awesome) currently resides in the City by the Bay and will remain my go-to-gay for as long as I live. One day he will take my daughter out and tell her all the awful things her mommy did when she was younger, but she'll be better and wiser (hopefully kinder) for it.