Thursday, April 19, 2012

Everybody Talks

For those of you who are awesome, yes, the title is in reference to the very wonderful everybody talks by the Neon Trees. Their new album dropped on the 17th and I am madly in love with it. They have almost cured me of my One Direction infatuation. Almost. They don't look as pretty as Harry Styles does...shirtless and wet jumping into the ocean (drool), but they have followed up their album Habits with the very amazing Picture Show. I suggest you all get it, via iTunes or where ever you buy your music. I have had both albums on repeat all day and have not regretted it one bit. Okay, album recommendations are over. Back to school.

I just, just, JUST walked into class and I see Fat Alberto and Typhoid Maria are having an intense conversation about someone who just died. Typhoid Maria is speaking in Spanglish about how whoever just died had only gone to the hospital the day before and got diagnosed with something that day and then died. Apparently, it is the doctor's fault because the guy should have been told sooner. Fat Alberto asked her if the guy had been to the doctor before that and she said "No, he hadn't been to the doctor in like 5 years. But they should have known." I did everything in my power to not say anything, it was hard, but I held everything I wanted to say in. Then, Fat Alberto started talking about how fucked up it was that the doctors told him that he was dying "super fast and shit" because "they should have just pretended he was fine so he didn't died all scared." Again, I held my tongue and went about my pre-class set up. I could not get my computer out quick enough to jot that lovely incite into the health system down.

As I started typing, they started discussing their presentation for tonight. Something about how power point was not working properly and that the pictures they use are not staying in the right place when they message it back and forth to each other. Then there was this sudden silence. I look up to find them both staring directly at me.

Me: What?
Typhoid Maria: Well, do you know why it isn't working or not?
Me: Do I know why YOUR power point isn't working?
Fat Alberto: Si.
Me: Maybe you have different versions and there is a disconnect some where. Maybe his version can't format it the way yours does.
TM: Well I'm not paying for the new office.
Me: You don't have to, just update it regularly when it notifies you.
TM: I don't get updates because mines bootleg.
Me: Then that's probably the problem.
TM: Well you don't have to judge me for it.

Um, okay. I literally didn't look up from writing the paragraphs on their initial conversation the whole time they were talking to me. Didn't make a weird face, didn't call anyone a criminal, how was I judging.

I continued typing (the convo and they start talking about how maybe it would be better if only one team member did the work like my group does. But Typhoid Maria says it like a little kid who is trying to goad someone. Then she says "Tiffany, isn't that how your group works? You do all the work?" Trying not to choke on my Starbucks I was sipping, I set it down slowly, flipped my hair to the side and turned to stare straight at her with a "let's do this bitch" look on my face. In my best, calm, Martha Stewart-esque voice I say "Our GROUP does the GROUP work. It's always been that way. I complete an equal portion of the work, as do the other members. To imply that they aren't as a part of the group work is slightly catty and jealous. I'm sure you didn't mean to come off like that, well, unless you are jealous of the A we have maintained since I have joined the class." She started to speak and then mumbled "I'm not jealous" to herself and has said nothing to me since. I did hear Fat Alberto whisper, in his clearly not a whisper voice, that they would talk to Juarez Teenager Female about joining them in the next class. Yeah, because she's the brains of our team.

I texted JTF as she walked in and told her that it was great working with her and I would be sad to see her join the other team, but that I wished her well. As she sits down she reads it and busts out laughing and texts me back saying "I would NEVER EVER fucking be on their team. Let me guess, they were talking about asking me to join?" I nodded and she laughed more. Apparently, every class we have had they have tried to steal one of my team members. She told me that Fat Alberto asked Typhoid Maria why she wants my team members and she said she wants me to fail. I'm not sure if she means fail the class or just in general, but sorry lass, the loss of a team member or even all of them won't cause me to fail. It would cause THEM to fail, but I'll still be rockin' an A. Bitch.

I think the next class we might end up coming to blows. She is so jealous of my brain, I think she might try to snatch it out of my skull. Maybe even zombie style. She's going to eat my brains. I said it. Crap, if a zombie apocalypse actually happens, I'll have to look out for Typhoid Maria zombie, because her hatred of me is so strong, her zombie self is going to be programmed to come after me. Yes, I realize that this implies that I would still be human and it may sound cocky, but come one. I'm gonna survive. It's just fact. Not because I watch the Walking Dead, not because I love a good zombie flick, but because I'll just fucking shoot everyone. Better not send any slack-jawed mouth breathers my way, if you look like your brain dead, you'll be dead. End of story.

Not sure why I went off on a zombie slaying bunny trail, but it happened. Whatevs. We are currently discussing why there are more border patrol agents on the southern border than the northern. Somehow that segued into how illegals get everything for free and us citizens are fucked over. I'll admit that I felt a bit of camaraderie with them. Like, wow, its not just the white folk that get screwed over here in El Paso. We are all getting fucked.

So we are on break now and the other team that is NOT Fat Alberto and Typhoid Maria brought us pizza. I'm not eating it, My Fitness Plan would be destroyed when I entered that pizza was my dinner and it always makes me feel like shit when it says I have gone over my calorie limit for the day. Fat Alberto obviously isn't counting calories as he has just finished his sixth slice. I guess I can't say he finished it as some of it is on his chin and shirt. So wasteful. Typhoid Maria announced she will not be eating pizza because she's watching her weight. One, we don't care, and two, what the fuck does she mean she's watching it? It's obviously not going anywhere. She did this weird little giggle and added "I have to keep my girlish figure." If by girl she means Dame Maggie Smith then yeah, she's nailed it.

Now she's talking about her daughter, a candidate for Teen Mom: 3-El Paso. The teenage volleyball player she never shuts up about is apparently a mother. And she gets government aid. No wonder she was so quite when the rest of us were bitching about how we don't qualify for any help. Her little superstar gets food stamps, health care, and free baby shit. They even offered her free housing but she didn't want to leave Typhoid Maria's house. Really? If she's a minor, mommy and daddy should be paying for it.

Team A is presenting right now. A as in Awful. A as in Assholes. A as in Typhoid Maria and Fat Alberto. They are talking about women offenders and how they are being discriminated against because they are starting to get tougher sentences now and that's not fair. Um, how do you tackle such solid logic? Women shouldn't get tougher sentences because they're women. Okay, let's just set equality back a few decades. Fat Alberto just said "Women are underrepresenteded in life AND the criminals justice systems because they're the victims, you know, so they get discriminated, you know." Minus the "you knows", that's word for word what the power point says. Oh, and hookers have rights. Not sure what those rights are but there is a whole slide with bold font that simply says "HOOKERS HAVE RIGHTS". I feel so informed.

Did you know that we have heard in the news all the time about security guards at schools raping little girls? Like all the time. You can't turn on the TV without hearing about cops and stuff raping women and sometimes men. It's on the news ALL the time. What fucking news channel are you watching? Women are also evil because they kill and better men all the time. Better men. Not batter, better. And they don't let the baby daddy see the kids because they might have been raped. No lie, that is a bullet on the slide. "They refuse acksess to baby daddy because of rape." Spell check is apparently not required at a college level, neither is a brain.

Team C is up now. I would tell you what it's about but, um, I haven't paid attention. Like at all. I had to tend to my virtual pawn shop on FB. Something about gender bias but don't quote me on that. Then one of them just said something about normal white suburban areas and everyone looked at me. Nice.

We are up next....stand by.

Okay, as soon as we finished, he released us to go home. I closed this Mac Book Pro faster than it took to type that and bolted. But for you, my loyal followers and sycophants, I will recap. Blond Sonya and Juarez Teenager Female did their parts with few mistakes. It kind of helped that I made them note cards that they were instructed to read word for word. I did the final portion of the presentation. I also had note cards, but one line in I said fuck it and went off the cuff. I literally spent the next seven minutes explaining how everything that is wrong with the criminal justice system is the fault of minorities. Hold up, I'll explain. I told them how stereotypes exist because we allow them to. You don't have to be a teen mom just because you live in El Paso (yeah, that was a motha fuckin dig at TM). You don't have to be uneducated because everyone in your family is. I told them that it was time that everyone stands up and stops letting others speak for them and what they believe. Everyone is offering a hand out, not a hand up and as long as they allow themselves to be treated like second-class citizens, that is all the would ever be. If you want change, be that change. I swear to you, I sounded like a Pentecostal preacher in a country church on Sunday. I needed a black choir, a bunch of old ladies with fans in the front row and a pulpit to bang my fist against and you would have thought it was a scene from Blues Brothers, The Apostle or even Red State. I think I channeled my preacher grandpa for a second...his demeanor, not his doctrine.

They ate it up. I was almost positive I heard one girl say "Preach it." Not Jimmy Smitts clapped at the end.  Too bad it was all bullshit and they were reacting to my charisma and not my words. Le sigh.

Next week is criminal law with a teacher who has a genital related name. I'll have to meet her before she gets a code name, but you will definitely think of the male anatomy when reading it. Until then. Tschuss bitches.


Shannon {ava_caitlyn} said...

Love it of course. Preach it sistah!!!

Angela Woods said...

Is this for real??? Not something off some tv show I've missed somewhere? At first I thought omg so inappropriate and rude, then as I got into it I thought, who the fuck are these idiots just begging to be made fun of!? Funny shit. seriously.

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