Thursday, April 26, 2012

District Attorney

Tonight is the night. Criminal law with KiKi Quiver Bone. I could have gone with something else, but Quiver Bone made me giggle...that and KiKi Fuck Stick doesn't have the same ring to it.

KiKi Quiver Bone is a lawyer and was an assistant district attorney with the Sun City for 78% of my life. I'll let you do some calculating really quick....with me still? Okay. She was in college when I was shitting my pants. She also has blond hair that is the similar to a yellow highlighter, and has one of the fiercest face-lifts I have seen since Joan Rivers, but the neck of a Turkey (you know, the hangy thing). Add a rolling backpack contraption and lipstick that is far too matchy with her hot pink twin set and I think I've given you an accurate description. As we speak she is discussing adjusting the thermostat as she is going through "the change." I can tell by looking at her she is probably menopausal, but I didn't need a verbal confirmation.

Fat Alberto is 'bout it though. He's been kissing her ass for the past five minutes or so that she has been in the classroom. He told her "Ay wey, there is no way you're old enough for that senorita." I'm shocked he didn't call her "guera" which you probably have heard pronounced "wetta" as most Hispanics I know that have called me that are too lazy to know their own language, not just mine. Oh, did I mention she was white? Alas, I have to surrender my crown. No longer am I the ruler of Only White Land. Or should it be "Whites Only land"....eek, reading that made me cringe. How about Queen of the Lone White Folk? Fuck it. I am no longer the only white person.

Right now she is having the guy who brings around the class roster for signing how to use the computer. She wants to know how to use the projector that is hooked up to the computer to show the class the "power point slide show presentation" (yes, she said all of that). He is trying to explain to her that the computers at our campus work just like the ones at the other campus she teaches at, but she is NOT having it. She started speaking slower to him (apparently she thinks he doesn't understand English?) and repeated what she said before. I feel like I am watching a travel show where the traveler thinks that making hand signs and speaking slow will help them get the natives to understand, but the natives end up either telling them to fuck off or just smiles and points in the wrong direction. He is smiling and pointing. Well played roster man, well played.

After giving us her life story (yes, including mid-life crisis and menopause) she started to ACTUALLY teach us. First impressions aside, she isn't half bad. Mind you, I detest lawyers merely on principle, but she is a stickler for grammar and has been teaching high school for a few months now and stated she "does not tolerate retardedness." I literally LOLed. Anyone who hates stupid people as much as I do must not suck all that much. I will not retract my observations on her appearance or change her name (she definitely gives off a KiKi vibe), but she is NOT a stupid woman. She's dry (that is not a menopausal dig), witty, hates teenagers (yay!), enunciates her words, and liked my nail polish (Essie Turquoise and Caicos). Couple that with a law degree, 20+ years of experience working for the right side of the law, and she thinks my daughter is "beyond adorable" and she's probably going to be my favorite teacher ever.

When we started discussing elements of a crime, Fat Alberto decided to start telling a story about how "this guy, wey, he was like a druggie, you know, but he wasn't a druggie, you know, and the police were like..." but she cut him off and said "Didn't you here me say I don't tolerate retardedness?" I snorted and choked on my tea at the same time. He (of course) didn't get it and tried to keep telling his story, to which she cut him off again and said "I see no relevance of anything you could possibly say to what we are discussing. Moving on." His jaw AND mine (and probably the whole class' collectively) were on the floor...his out of shame, mine out of sheer respect and adoration.

We have an El Chuco police officer in this class. He's a former Marine (though from the look of him you wouldn't know it) and is wearing a Lynard Skynard t-shirt. I thought maybe this would make him awesome, but when I said "Excellent band" to him, he, in all seriousness, replied "What band?"
Me: The one on your shirt.
Him: No, it says Lynard Skynard. Isn't that an alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: Yeah, like Jack Daniels, no?
Me: No. Please pretend I never spoke to you.

This brief and shameful conversation earned him a blog-name. Semper Fucking Idiot. I don't care how many Marines I have just offended (I know of only one who reads this). How do you call yourself an American citizen and not know the song "Sweet Home Alabama" or "Free Bird" (at a minimum) and who sang it?! I wanted to ask him if he had ever drank Lynard Skynard and what it mixes well with. I wanted to say "Oh yeah, that's such a good brand. You should order it next time you go out drinking." Actually, I wanted scream "FREE BIRD!" in his face as I slapped him. But alas, I just let it go.

Other than some random thought-vomit that my other classmates felt the need to turn into word-vomit, not much else happened.

Oh, Typhoid Maria asked me if I wanted to be in her group and I was unable to stifle a laugh. It was an outburst of hysterical laughter. I think for a moment, I could have been sent to a psych facility because that's how crazy I must have looked. Well, I looked more crazy when I abruptly stopped laughing and Van Damned her (Hubby, I thought of you) and said "I prefer to work with people I don't detest." She must not know what detest means because she replied with "Is it cause you guys already told the lady you're a group? Maybe in the next class." No bitch, not in the next class. Not five classes from now. Not ever. Do I need to turn this into Green Eggs and Ham? I do not like you here or there, I do not like you anywhere. Of course this is the amended version and I will NOT change my mind at then end by trying to work with her and it turns out she's a gem.

Okay, now nothing else awesome has happened. I have to pee really bad and I'm going to try and do it before class is over. I bid you all adieu.


Shannon {ava_caitlyn} said...

Oh you are just so awesome. I love it. Do you wanna be in MY group??? Do you like me?? I know who Lynard Skynard is... promise! :)

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