I-USA walked into class (consisting of Typhoid Maria, some chick, and myself) wearing a blue polo that had Captain America's shield embroidered on it. Yes, that really happened. I wouldn't have noticed, but he announced to us that "Captain America will be teaching tonight. Assemble!" Wow, thanks for making The Avengers uncool. The other two offered obligatory giggles, but I starred at my computer screen intently trying to hide the disgust and horror I am sure my face conveyed. He said "Apparently Tiffany is not impressed. Are you a Thor fan? That's it. You like those long, girly locks." No, I'd prefer to tap Captain America's ass over Thor's any day, but a grown man donning a super hero polo and calling himself said super hero is Sad. As. Fuck.
He took a phone call and dramatically conversed (in front of us) with the person on the other end, someone from his office I'm sure, because when he hung up, he stated "I took a beating in court today. It was brutal. It actually has a lot to do with criminal procedure." I could not resist and said "Maybe if you had worn your Captain America polo, you would have slayed them." Sarcasm not lost on him, he replied "I think the judge was a DC fan." I see what you did there, trying to bond over comics. You're still awful.
STILL as Yet to be Named Clown Face, fuck, we'll just go with Clown Face (since no one offered suggestions), came in and excitedly asked "We get to watch a movie tonight, right?!" Bitch must really love movies, cause you'd have thought a no answer would make her kill herself. She had this anxious expression on her face that contained the slightest trace of sorrow. He told her "I see no reason why we won't get our movie on" and then WINKED. Yes, winked. What kind of movie does he have in mind? Fucking pervert.
We're watching video clips of dogs to warm us up for the night. I am trapped in that South Park episode where every one is getting high on cough syrup and watching a TV show that consists of nothing but dogs in cute hats. Every one is laughing and saying how cute this is, everyone but me. I am dutifully blogging for you, my peeps that would scorn these videos. Or would at least tell me that you'd scorn these videos and never let me know you secretly enjoy them. I-USA just giggled and said "Oh I love doggies." Well, you'd have to because no woman loves you.
Speaking of other things he loves, I am certain I am one of those things. Check out what he said about my paper:
Light years? With the exception of Katniss, a measurement has not been invented that properly expresses how ahead of my classmates I really am. I'll take light years, for now. I wish I could pull up last years instructor remarks. They were, um, suggestive to say the least. I'll leave it at that. Hopefully, this class will produce even more gems.
He gives out his official US Attorney coins for performance. I got one last time. I actually have it in my purse right now as I decided that at some point, I will give it back to him and tell him that it is for his wonderful instruction. I'll have to stage it just right, get Katniss on the camera. He was just digging around his bag for this weeks performance award but couldn't find it and said it would have to wait until later. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's going to me. Come on, just because I'm light years ahead doesn't make me less of a show off. Give me my coin and chocolate motha fucka. If it does not go to me, I'm still going to lie and make up a scenario in which I still won. Just kidding, like I'd leave out one of these slack-jawed sloths' acceptance speeches. Momma likes to take care of her babies. Ew. That's disgusting. My bad.
Fat Alberto said his first gem of the night. "The police like to make sure the stuff they find is there." If you found it, isn't it there? I am equally as confused as he is. I'm about to add something except I haven't been paying attention. We're all up in the Fourth Amendment according to the power point. Fuck. I should be killing this. I might have to step away from the blog for un momento....
Someone (I-USA) is very jealous of state court. That's where all the action is. "You know, rapes, murders, the fun stuff." Fun to try or fun to do? He makes me wonder. He's got this laser pointer key chain that he has yet to use and keeps flipping it around his finger. Repetitive motion drives me bonkers and it makes him look even creepier. He just referenced his Captain America polo again. Some one wants to feel special. We just talked about searching a trunk of a vehicle and that line from 99 Problems just came to mind. "The glove compartment is locked, so is the trunk in the back. And I know my rights, so you gon' need a warrant for that." Yeah, I'm thugged out. It came to mind every time I had to do a vehicle search back in the diz-ay. Shit, more proof that I am an urban liberal.
45 minutes past the hour and Blond Sonja shows up. Just in time as we are starting to talk about vigilante justice. I doubt she'll have an opinion, but one more person to witness my opinion always makes me happy. I-USA brought up a case in NM where two retired Marines caught the guys breaking into their homes and cars and executed them. He explained how that isn't allowed under the law and I had to counter. I reminded him of the man in Texas (because Texas is AWESOME) who shot and killed the burglars who broke into his neighbors house as they fled, even though he was told by the 911 operator to not shoot. He said flat out that he would kill him. And guess what? He wasn't charged. At all. And one of those fuckers died. Bam! Every reason why Texas kicks ass. He stammered some BS about why that would have been the DA's call. Yeah, and Texas DAs make the right call.
When he asked the class if your cleaning lady can grant the police permission to search your home when you aren't there, I said yes. She is left at the home and is essentially in charge of the home and can allow the police access. He asked if anyone disagreed with me and while I am sure most of them did, they're starting to learn that I am always right. He said "Tiffany is probably right." Probably? Didn't you go to law school? No wonder you got your ass handed to you in court.
"There was a guy in some other country who was having a seajure and the cops thought he was resitting and they pulled him from the car and he was kicking but it was really a seajure." Thanks for sharing that, who else, Fat Alberto. Gordo Hipster added "The same thing happened in Socorro. A guy was reaching for his pump and the police thought it was a gun and they shot him" How is that the same thing? Mistaking a "seajure" for resisting, probably some poorly trained cops who didn't notice eyes rolling back into the mans skull. Guy reaching for something when police are telling him to put his hands up, stupid guy. Yep, not the same thing. Nice try boys, but you suck.
I-USA has a picture of Barry "The Motha-fuckin' Man" Goldwater up on the screen. I don't even care why, I just love that Barry be representin' yo. He started talking about Michael Dukakis and how he ran against the first Bush. The Other Side of the room all scoffed. Bitches, please. Y'all don't even know anything about this. Some of them, okay like 3, are old enough to have voted in that election, though I am sure they didn't. They just heard Bush and wanted to talk shit. Fucking liberal idiots. The saddest part is that, while I am 99% sure they don't actually know what they stand for, they're conditioned to vote for whoever promises them the most free shit. I'll take comfort in knowing that no matter how much education they are given (yeah, I doubt they have to pay for it), they will not show up to the voting booths come November. I'd bet money on it. Sun City will have a less than 30% turnout this fall.
Okay, no more politics. That's a whole 'nother blog. Can I just say that I detest women who hold in their bowl movements in the restroom? I'll explain, though it would be more funny to just not. We had about 15 minutes before break and I had to pee. I thought I could hold it but said fuck it and excused myself from the room anyway. I get in the restroom and handle my business and I hear a tiny fart. We all know what a tiny fart in a public restroom means. Some body's gotta shit and they are trying to wait until the bathroom is empty. I flush and you could hear her relief, and some more farts, because she thinks this is the beginning to her window of opportunity. I know her shit is not my business but I don't care. I speak up and say, "Honey, you might as well just let it out because I am wearing Spanx and it'll take some time to get my shit together." She gasped and then said, "Fuck it." I should have kept my mouth shut because something died in her anus. I could not wash my hands fast enough. When I came back to class, I had to knock on the door as it was locked and I-USA tried to be cute. He cracked it and said "Are you selling something? te he he." That's the best you can do? I smiled coyly and simply said, "Nice shirt."
Okay, seriously, seven fucking people didn't come back. And Stoner White-Boy Cop totally just rolled his eyes when I started talking about search warrants. Maybe he's pissed he doesn't get to play subject-matter expert? Fuck you, white boy. Hipster Gordo just told us a story about his cousin who's house got raided by the cops but the cops had the wrong house. Yeah, I am so sure that he was innocent. Well, Sun City cops might actually fuck up that bad. Whatever. He really didn't have a question, just a story. Clown Face asked if the cops can tear up your car during a search, like at the bridge. I-USA said that, basically, yeah, they can. He advised them to never piss off a a Customs Agent. I added "Or just don't go to Mexico." Katniss stole this one and said "They can't. They live there." We LOLed in real life.
Katniss and I have decided that we would probably get along well with Stoner White Boy Cop and his cohort, a stalky Hispanic male with a Charlie Brown shirt. They seem to laugh or roll their eyes at Fat Alberto when we do. Maybe I judged them too soon. Also, during the break, I-USA told me I did and excellent job on my paper and then told Stoner White Boy Cop he did "pretty good too." Oh SWBC, always a bridesmaid, never a bride. We were talking about specific consent and Blob Zombie asked "Can you say you can search this but not this?" Seriously, that is what specific means. I did add that now you've told the officer what to get a warrant for. I'm pretty sure she wrote that one down. Might need it in the future.
SWBC finally said that he is in fact one of Sun City's finest. Albeit, a shitty one as he said he would not stop a guy walking into a 7-11 at 1 am with a ski mask on in the middle of the summer. Really? When we all basically said he was fucking stupid, he said he would probably stop the guy. Probably. Glad you would probably do your fucking job. It's called a fucking Terry Stop, bro. Look it the fuck up. I have changed my mind. We would not get along well.
We are covering some of next week's lecture but I-USA has advised us that we WILL get a movie. Clown Face can hardly contain herself. She pounded her fists on the desk and said "I wanna see the movies!" like a toddler demanding a snack. I wanna see you get a makeover, but I have to be patient, so you do too. Gosh darn it, he caved and is starting it. AND it's not about Nazis. He really is playing the documentary about the murders in Juarez. Fuck me. Everyone seems to be excited about the flick. I guess they fail to realize that if we didn't watch the movie, we could have left by now.
I'm going to pack my shit up now, that way I can leave as soon as I-USA shuts it down. See you Saturday...if I feel like it.
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