Not On The Test

I was running a bit late tonight and was not the first one to class. Mexican Snookie and Clown Face were here before me, studying. Yes, studying. You see, tonight we have an exam on the first three classes' material. We were given all the power point slides during week one so we can study them in preparation for the exam, but apparently, they didn't know until tonight that the exam is going to cover what was in the power points. Even though it was explained to them several times, they said they didn't know. Even though I personally explained it to Clown Face, they didn't know. So here they sit, speaking in Spanglish LOUDLY about the difference between a search warrant and the Supreme Court. They are actually debating if the Supreme Court gets the search warrants or issues them and if the Supreme Court is only for Texas.

Clown Face: The police get the evidence from the Supreme Court.
Mexican Snookie: Yeah but that's just for Texas. That Evans guy had the porn that they searched and the Supreme Court told them to keep it for Texas.
CF: Oh si, that's right.

No, no it's not right. Not at all. They went on and on and three minutes before class I snapped.

Me: Seriously, you're doing too much. It's not a hard test. If you even remotely looked it over the slides, you'll be fine.
CF: Oh you think?
Me: You're going to psych yourself out. (Looking up at I-USA) No offense, but it's pretty easy.
CF: Oh I didn't take offense.

I would hope not, I was talking to him, not you. She giggled at him and said "You'll go easy on me 'cause I'm easy on the eyes, right?" He walked out of the classroom to pretend to take a call. I know it was pretend because he winked at Juarez Teenager Female and I as he did it.

Right now, he's reading us jokes from Larry the Cable Guy. No one, well no one beside Clown Face, is laughing. He keeps looking at Stoner White Boy Cop and I like we are supposed to laugh, presumably because we're white. Well, guess what buddy? I'm not going to laugh, mostly because it isn't funny, but a tiny portion is because you can see the hurt in his face when we don't. He just gave us our week one performance rewards and Stoner White Boy Cop and I won. He gave us pens. I guess I can't complain, I left mine at home today.

Ten after the hour and we have finally started. I'm staring at Judge Dread on the screen and he's babbling about efficient cops. Since week one, Judge Dread has been on four, maybe five slides. Someone loves him some Stallone. He brought up informants and said "Snitches are an important part of the federal system, and the state system." Do you know how hard it was to not say that snitches get stitches. I had to fight to not go for the quick laugh.

Carlos Brown, SWBC's friend just walked in wearing ANOTHER striped polo, buttoned all the way to the top. His posture is killin' me. He scoots his chair as far as he can to the table and then slouches down. All I can see is head, shoulders and neck. Oh, and his hairy ass forearms and hands. He twitches a little bit, more of a junkie twitch than a palsy twitch. I'm not quite sure why I find him so fascinating, but he is. He's chewing gum and the whole right side of his head bulges out when he does. It's like Alien, but in his head. I feel like I've seen him before, perhaps on a Gangland episode.

We've started on Tennessee v. Garner and everyone has an opinion. It is the case from 1985 in which the Supreme Court ruled that you couldn't use deadly force on felony suspects that were not complying with commands. You could fuck 'em up if they are an immediate threat but Fat Alberto said "Oh cause like the book said if a robber is leaving your home you could shoot them." No Bro, just no. Home invasion and a police officer using deadly force are not the same things. Catch up. I wanted to ask what the pre-conditions for deadly force were and then answer before anyone else could, but I'm at the point where I don't need to show off, I did win a pen after all.

I pretty much zoned out for the last 10 min or so. I watched the final out of Matt Cain's perfect game (GO GIANTS1) and only came to just now when I smelled the oh-too-noticeable fart smell that wafted my direction. My money is on Fat Alberto. I-USA just isn't providing any gems tonight. I want to shake him and say his dullness is killin' my flow. He hasn't even graded out papers from last week yet. Maybe he had a bad date this week and is too depressed to attempt humor. He is combing his hair to the left now instead of straight back. Oooh, maybe it wasn't a bad date, but a good one. He's been gettin' some so his class doesn't matter anymore. Whatever it is, I'm baiting him with leading questions that should spark debate and he's not biting.

I did just inform the Hispanics in the room that they are not Mexican unless they are actually from Mexico and you should have seen the outrage conveyed on their faces. Classic. I'm right and now you're entire identity is called into question. Nationality and race are not the same thing people. I win. I guess I shouldn't brag about that, it's quite sad that they never knew that. I-USA told them that white people can be Mexican and I thought I saw a tear roll down Blob Zombies cheek.

We're on break and Hipster Gordo is stuffing his gob with vending machine snacks and Dr. Pepper. He doesn't have a neck. No exaggeration, he's got a chi-neck. It's making my neck feel creepy. I keep touching it to make sure it's still there.

Just took the test and I got 38/40. And it was the two questions I changed even though I knew they were originally right. God damn it. I shouldn't be upset, I still got the highest grade but I'm disappointed in myself. I-USA said to the class that if you got less than 30, then you need to study more. I laughed and Katniss said "How do you get less than thirty? Wow." and I saw Juarez Teenager Females test. It said 29/40. Whoops. Oh and we got to grade our own tests. Every time I-USA would say an answer you would hear a "YES!" or "NO!" in what was intended to be a whisper but was anything but. I thought Katniss was gonna cut somebody. "Seriously?!" she said. "We're gonna go all first grade and do this with every answer?!" I almost died. But the other side of the room did, in fact, do it with every answer. I'm not saying that one should cheat, but as I am certain of their level of integrity, you'd have thought they would have gotten higher scores. What was even better was when they asked what their grade was. Um, you graded your own test, how could you not know?

Mexican Snookie and I-USA just made a joke about serial rapists, because apparently, rape is funny. No people, it's not. Only if the serial rapist is a clown. We've moved on but I'm now ready to pounce. When I-USA mentioned Atticus Finch, Mexican Snookie said "Who?" I-USA and I said "From To Kill a Mockingbird" and she still looked confused as fuck. She tried to play it off but I am now fully aware that Mexican Snookie cannot read. And I discovered that her real name is that of the local mall. Seriously. Those of you who live in Sun City will get that and LOL real world.

We're sort of going over next week's lesson and we've been promised that we get to contiue our not Nazi movie. Oh joy. Let's watch an Asian documentarian's flick about Juarez. BTW according to the flick, I should just kill myself because it is all the white man/America's fault. I cannot wait for the gasps and gagging sounds that are sure to happen when the camera man zooms in on blood on the floor or a body covered in a sheet. Seriously, that shocks you? We see that shit every damn day in movies and TV. You care that an average of 8 people are killed a day in Juarez, but don't bat an eye when someone mentions a soldier dying or another bullied teen committing suicide, even when it happens in OUR town. I intend to keep up my RiffTrax-esque commentary the entire time.

I'm going to end this now so I can pack my stuff up. I have considered writing an op-ed on this "film" and turning it in to I-USA, if I do, it'll post it on here for all of my lovelies.