Saturday, July 28, 2012

Take U To Da Movies

I caved. I'm blogging my movie excursion. But first, the title of the blog is (of course) a song title, but you MUST see the music video.

BANGS- Take U To Da Movies

You. Are. Very. Welcome. What's that? You didn't thank me for bringing such awesome into your life? Well, you will later when this gem is stuck in your head. Because you can go to da movies any time u like, but guess who you gonna call? U baby boy, Bangs. 

Okay, took Little Bug to the 11:55 (AM because I am not an awful parent...too soon?) showing of Ice Age: Continental Drift. Her cousins had already seen it and raved about how funny it was, so she was dying to go. My older sister said that it wasn't bad either, so I wasn't dreading it. We got to the theater at 11:30-ish so I'd have plenty of time to get tickets, get her to use the bathroom, get her snack and find seats. I know it's been out for a while, but it was Saturday morning. There are always families out on Saturday morning. And, frankly, I wanted the seats in the front part of the top section so I could put my feet on the rail.

By 11:45 we entered the theater and our seats were open. I situated Little Bug, laid out her spread of popcorn, M&M's and fruit punch and checked in on Foresquare (gotta get dem points). There were a few other people in the theater but they were sitting higher up. They also didn't have children with them. Score! Kids movies without kids are the best. Little Bug doesn't count. She behaves better than most adults. 

Slowly, like Michael Phelps' 400 IM performance tonight kind of slowly, people started coming in. It's sort of a pet peeve of mine when people are late to a movie. They come in and finger pop each other's assholes instead of finding a seat. They yell for the rest of their party to join them, though they are only 2 feet away. Granted, I think late to a movie is one second after the trailers have started. These people were still technically on time. 

First up was a middle-aged Hispanic man with a soul-patch. He wore cargo shorts and a tee that had some attempt at a witty saying. He was followed by his wife, a white woman who looked younger with dirty blond hair and a very tired look. She pushed an umbrella stroller with a child in it. He was about 1, maybe younger, but he was already fussy. The husband sat down to the left of us but a row back, mumbling about how the seat he wanted was taken. I'm pretty sure he meant us as he was scowling right at me. The wife left the stroller at the base of the steps (with the baby in it) and then went to her husbands side. As the baby fussed and flailed, she stood next to his chair as he listed off things he wanted from the snack bar. She nodded and then started to walk out of the theater, but turned back when he said "Take care of it. I'm not missing this movie." She obediently fetched the stroller and left. 

I was not aware that Ice Age was the must see movie of the year. She came back after only a few minutes, juggling popcorn, a soda and two boxes of candy along with the stroller. Again, she left the baby at the foot of the stairs and took him his feast. She went back to the baby and started to take him out of the stroller, but the husband said "Keep him in it cause I ain't holdin' him." 

That's where she STOOD for the rest fo the movie. Just to the left of us, a family of four sat down. Well, the mom first asked if the seat next to Little Bug was taken and I said no. She plopped her 10-year-old down in the seat, then she sat, then her other kid, then the father. She handed the other kid a box of candy and then turned to the 10-year-old and said "You're in trouble, you don't get any!" I'm all for punishing your children if they deserve it, but she said it like she was getting off on it. I actually heard her let out a "ha ha ha." 

Behind us sat a family of 7. Five boys, all under 6 easily, and a mom and dad. The mom looked frazzled and understandably so. Her oldest (and fattest) sat behind me and proceeded to kick the headrest of my seat. Mommy dearest was dealing with a 2-year-old who was trying to take her diet coke (which she SCREAMED at him for) and Fatty wanted her to pay attention to him. He kept saying "Look mom, I'm kicking the chair. Look what I'm doing mom! Mom look!" I didn't hear her correct him, but he stopped suddenly. She probably gave him a "mom look". The dad stood up and said "I ahve to use the restroom", though it was more of a request than a statement of fact. She glared at him and said "Go. Quickly." 

Once the movie started, I figured it wouldn't be so bad. Kids make "oohs" and "aahs" and even talk a bit, but it's a kids movie. That's what they do. I was wrong. It wasn't just so bad. It was awful. Little Bug makes me thank the lord that she's my daughter and I didn't get stuck with any other kid in that theater. 

The 10-year-old spent the whole movie kicking the bars in front of us. It started out as an annoying vibration I could feel in my propped-up feet and then morphed into a constant "thomp thomp thomp" for the entire course of the flick. He also kept trying to steal Little Bug's M&M's when she would set them in her cup holder. I caught him each time. He would watch her and slowly creep his hand on the bag, until he'd see me looking and he'd turn and resume his kicking. His mother (a Fressa if I've ever seen one) largely ignored him the whole time as she was too busy, ANSWERING HER PHONE. She would answer it (a total of 6 TIMES) and say "Hey. Yeah. I can't talk. I'm in a movie. Yeah, that one. I know. I'll call you back." The sixth time became her last as I had finally had enough. The kid was kicking and trying to steal the M&M's whilst giving everyone a play-by-play of the movie and she answered her phone again. I had had enough. I said "Excuse me. If my 4-year-old can behave, then maybe should get off your phone and make your kid behave." She glared at me hard and then said into her phone "Yeah, I gotta go. Some white girl is getting pissed."

Back to the father and husband of the year. His wife stood for the whole movie and that baby wailed for 30 minutes straight. No exaggeration. He didn't even flinch. He just belly-laughed at stuff that wasn't that funny and would say "Oh shit!" during the action parts. His wife walked the baby out once, but came back in, only to have it wail again. But he had the nerve to loudly whisper "shut up!" when the family of 7's 2-year-old got excited. Part of me wanted to do his wife a favor and forcibly shut him up, but he definitely wasn't worth jail time.

Once the movie ended, I realized how many adults were in the theater. Far more than the number of children. It always skeeves me out when older adults are kidless at a kids movie. Shaking off the heeby-jeebies, I started to gather our things and trash, but sat as Little Bug danced to the end credits music. The Fressa stood up, walked right into her 10-year-old and then promptly launched her phone into the air. No one saw where it landed apparently, because she screamed at her husband to call it. I had to laugh out loud. She glared at me, but then frantically returned to searching (on her hands and knees) for it. The husband and kids started to grab their trash and she said "LEAVE IT! FIND MY PHONE!" I told Little Bug to grab her M&M's packaging because "good people don't leave their garbage. Only awful people do." Little Bug, as if catching on to the dig, said "That's right Momma, we're not awful people who leave their trash." I love that kid.

It always happens to me, it seems. But really, I bet this happens at every movie. I just have awesome situational awareness and keen observation skills. Really, the next time you're out-and-about and not rushed, take your time and observe everything around you. Eavesdrop a bit, stare even. You'll be amazed how fucked up the world around you is.


Caitlyn said...

Your Blog is so interesting!

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