Next Contestant

Today is the first, official Time Warp Tuesday. Saturday's blog about pets was a request, and it was one a Saturday, so it doesn't count. Today will also be a request of sorts. The Other Tiffany informed me that I never explained the story about when Instructor USA hit on me in front of my husband, and while it will only be going back a little under a year, that's where we are walking down memory lane too.

Funny story, Instructor USA's class was the first class I blogged. You can find it here. I only wrote about it once as I was not as dedicated to le blog as I am pretending to be now. I realize that any future blogs that reference Instructor USA's class of yester year will have you all at a disadvantage, but unless I go back and try to blog the entire class from memory, you'll just have to deal. And take this flashback and cherish it.

So week 4 of Instructor USA's intro to whatever class, I left class early. Not by much, maybe a half-hour, and let's be real, I only missed the Nazi's. I felt wicked sick and actually spent the next 30-45 minutes in the bathroom blowing chunks. They all left way before I did. I didn't think a thing of it (leaving early) as I had always gotten full credit for my participation and even sick, I still had more to say than, well, all of them. Turns out, I did not get full credit. I got 2 our of 4 points. Not a huge loss but anything that keeps me from my A+ is a huge loss. I asked him about it the following week and he said "Well, you left early."I informed him that it was leave early or cover the desk in a lovely shade of regurgitated Subway and this had no effect on him. I pulled out my last card and said "I only missed the part of the class where you stop teaching, surely that wasn't worth two points." You should have seen his face. Caught red handed. Or maybe caught mid-Goose step. So we worked out a deal, I could have my 2 points for my A+ if I went to his trial he was currently prosecuting.

I know what you're thinking, 2 points is not worth the gas to drive downtown or the cost of parking, but my 4.0 GPA used to be a little too important to me. I convinced Hubby to join me, and the next day, it was off to Federal Court we went. After being delayed by the geriatric security the Marshal service had hired, we entered the court room to discover the proceedings had started. I-USA was questioning a witness and I SHIT YOU NOT, turned to see us take our seats and did the wink and gun with this little fey wave. There's a jury in the box, a judge, and a witness on the stand and he does the wink and the gun. What. The. Fuck. I stifled my laugh.

The next 30 minutes was torture. The judge clearly hated the defense attorney, clearly. You'd have thought the guy took the judge's mother out for a nice steak dinner and never called her again. Ignoring the fact that the defendant was caught dead-to-rights transporting illegal aliens across the border, and ignoring the fact that this dude was being watched for weeks before, AND ignoring the fact that he had already confessed and reneged, his lawyer was garbage. The judged "shsshed" him on more than one occasion. His family sat on the left-side of the room and had to be "shsshed" by the bailiff because every time the judge treated the defense attorney like shit, they got all emotional. Maybe the lawyer was a family member as well.

So they FINALLY break for lunch and Hubby and I are thinking the same thing, he saw me so I'd get my 2 points, let's bounce. We make a beeline for the elevator and I-USA heads us off. I do the obligatory intro and I-USA is sizing up the Hubby. He then shakes my hand and holds it way too long and says (while looking straight at my breast), "Your wife is really quite a remarkable student. She's so brilliant. Really. You're a very, very lucky man." As I pulled my hand away from his vice-like grip, Hubby smiled and put his arm around my waste and said, "I know. She's great. And much too smart for University of Fictitious Bird." I snorted. Little Bug is too smart for University of Fictitious Bird.

The elevator ride down to the lobby was uncomfortable to say the least. Two of the jurors were in there with us, so I couldn't take the attention off of my breasts brain by talking about the trial. I-USA leered at them it the whole time. Hubby just stood there, one hand in his pocket like a GQ model, with a shit-eatin' grin on his face. I-USA asked if we were going to lunch and I quickly said we had plans. As I walked across the court-yard, hand-in-hand with Hubby, I turned back to see I-USA seriously staring at my ass with his hand touching his mouth in that way that screams sleazy. I had a full-body convulsion of disgust.

I am fully aware that there is not that much to the story, just a creeper who, now that he is sporting hair plugs and no brows, really stepped up his creeper game, but know this: The next Thursday class post you read, you'll see that creeper in your head. Much like Tobias from Arrested Development, except not funny.

I do feel like I phoned this in, so I apologize. I'll make up for it on Thursday.