I Miss My Friend

I have changed this blog title/song name more times tonight than I can count. I thought about Johnny Cash’s "Fair Weather Friends", Pink’s "Who Knew?", even We Used To Be Friends by the Dandy Warhols.

I have written this blog in as many different ways. Probably more.

One started with me referencing this article I read about the break-up of a friendship. It covered everything. When you grow apart because of distance, when you’ve had a big fight, and why it’s sometimes harder than a romantic break-up. I get that. If my husband and I were to separate, I would go to my best friend about it, but who do you talk to about your separation from your best friend? For those of you that though “your husband” I get that. Your husband can be your best friend and I am not saying I don’t feel that way about mine, but it’s not the same. Husbands of women like me are conditioned to take our side, right or wrong, tell us we look pretty and say how awful the other person must be. I don’t want to hear that.  And, the whole article was about best friends who are both women, not the case here.

I started another that rehashed all my best friend break-ups in my 27 years. My first was with CeCe in Kindergarten. She moved or I did. Saw her years later and it was like “Oh hey, you got fat. Oh, no you’re a teen mom? Wow.” Yeah, all kinds of awkward. There was a pretty good retelling of my many-a-stupid spats with my friend Kooie (yeah, if you’re reading this…it’s YOU) in middle school and the beginning of high school. We always made up but they still stung. I was delving into the fact that as women, it seems like we are genetically predisposed to fighting and bickering with each other and how great it was to finally have a BFF that didn’t have ovaries. But then I got sad and realized that now I DON’T have a BFF without ovaries.

I wrote one where all of his flaws were listed. One by one I destroyed his character in trademark Fat Bottomed Girl form. It was better than any Thursday Thrashing. Every time he let me down, didn’t call, hurt my feelings, etc. was on here. Every woman he every scorned (even though I had condoned it) was vindicated with my words. The latest one, eviscerated with the click of my keys. But for what? He was my best friend in spite of and sometimes because of his flaws. And the new broad? Maybe she has something to do with this, maybe she doesn’t, but he’s the only one responsible for his actions. Besides, it kinda made me seem like a jilted ex and that’s not the route I want to take. 

One of them retold our friendship from the beginning. It was actually pretty sweet. Mostly good, minus a few drunken moments here or there. It was quite long too, six years worth of wonderful times with your best friend can get lengthy. I recounted the million times we went to dinner while my husband was deployed and I was pregnant. How he would warn me not to eat the buffalo wings because I would just throw them back up and me cursing him that he was right as I puked. BBQ’s at our house, talking shit together to anyone who dared to not root for Texas; every fun time or meaningful conversation filled the page. When I got to the past few months though, I trailed off. I didn’t want to write about our end. I didn’t want to talk about the not returned phone calls and the disinterest and the wedge that turned the 500-mile distance between our homes into light years. I still don’t. I want to take back the angry text messages I sent, no matter how truthful they were. I want to pretend that he’s not a bad friend. I want to believe he’s just been really busy, that he hasn’t had time for anyone, not just me. I want, I want, I want. But we don’t always get what we want.

Sometimes, you just have to walk away. Or in this case, stop trying. Sometimes it just hurts too much to put in effort when the other person doesn’t. It’s like a friendship version of He’s Just Not That Into You except I didn’t get my copy until it was already a national best seller.

I don’t even know how to end this. I’m at 750-ish words and I’m not even sure if I’ve said anything at all. I have 10 different Word docs filled with priceless gems of blogs that all convey how I’m feeling and I don’t want to post a single one. I don’t want to share this with any of you because it makes it final. What happens if he says sorry tomorrow? Will he read this and change? Will he read this and not change? Fuck, like he can read. (I had to get in one zinger.) 

I just didn’t see this coming and yet, I saw it coming all along. 

I miss my friend.

Everyday I Write The Book

It may not be a good blog tonight, or it may be the best I've ever written.

I-USA walked into class (consisting of Typhoid Maria, some chick, and myself) wearing a blue polo that had Captain America's shield embroidered on it. Yes, that really happened. I wouldn't have noticed, but he announced to us that "Captain America will be teaching tonight. Assemble!" Wow, thanks for making The Avengers uncool. The other two offered obligatory giggles, but I starred at my computer screen intently trying to hide the disgust and horror I am sure my face conveyed. He said "Apparently Tiffany is not impressed. Are you a Thor fan? That's it. You like those long, girly locks." No, I'd prefer to tap Captain America's ass over Thor's any day, but a grown man donning a super hero polo and calling himself said super hero is Sad. As. Fuck.

He took a phone call and dramatically conversed (in front of us) with the person on the other end, someone from his office I'm sure, because when he hung up, he stated "I took a beating in court today. It was brutal. It actually has a lot to do with criminal procedure." I could not resist and said "Maybe if you had worn your Captain America polo, you would have slayed them." Sarcasm not lost on him, he replied "I think the judge was a DC fan." I see what you did there, trying to bond over comics. You're still awful.

STILL as Yet to be Named Clown Face, fuck, we'll just go with Clown Face (since no one offered suggestions), came in and excitedly asked "We get to watch a movie tonight, right?!" Bitch must really love movies, cause you'd have thought a no answer would make her kill herself. She had this anxious expression on her face that contained the slightest trace of sorrow. He told her "I see no reason why we won't get our movie on" and then WINKED. Yes, winked. What kind of movie does he have in mind? Fucking pervert.

We're watching video clips of dogs to warm us up for the night. I am trapped in that South Park episode where every one is getting high on cough syrup and watching a TV show that consists of nothing but dogs in cute hats. Every one is laughing and saying how cute this is, everyone but me. I am dutifully blogging for you, my peeps that would scorn these videos. Or would at least tell me that you'd scorn these videos and never let me know you secretly enjoy them. I-USA just giggled and said "Oh I love doggies." Well, you'd have to because no woman loves you.

Speaking of other things he loves, I am certain I am one of those things. Check out what he said about my paper:

Light years? With the exception of Katniss, a measurement has not been invented that properly expresses how ahead of my classmates I really am. I'll take light years, for now. I wish I could pull up last years instructor remarks. They were, um, suggestive to say the least. I'll leave it at that. Hopefully, this class will produce even more gems.

He gives out his official US Attorney coins for performance. I got one last time. I actually have it in my purse right now as I decided that at some point, I will give it back to him and tell him that it is for his wonderful instruction. I'll have to stage it just right, get Katniss on the camera. He was just digging around his bag for this weeks performance award but couldn't find it and said it would have to wait until later. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's going to me. Come on, just because I'm light years ahead doesn't make me less of a show off. Give me my coin and chocolate motha fucka. If it does not go to me, I'm still going to lie and make up a scenario in which I still won. Just kidding, like I'd leave out one of these slack-jawed sloths' acceptance speeches. Momma likes to take care of her babies. Ew. That's disgusting. My bad.

Fat Alberto said his first gem of the night. "The police like to make sure the stuff they find is there." If you found it, isn't it there? I am equally as confused as he is. I'm about to add something except I haven't been paying attention. We're all up in the Fourth Amendment according to the power point. Fuck. I should be killing this. I might have to step away from the blog for un momento....

Someone (I-USA) is very jealous of state court. That's where all the action is. "You know, rapes, murders, the fun stuff." Fun to try or fun to do? He makes me wonder. He's got this laser pointer key chain that he has yet to use and keeps flipping it around his finger. Repetitive motion drives me bonkers and it makes him look even creepier. He just referenced his Captain America polo again. Some one wants to feel special. We just talked about searching a trunk of a vehicle and that line from 99 Problems just came to mind. "The glove compartment is locked, so is the trunk in the back. And I know my rights, so you gon' need a warrant for that." Yeah, I'm thugged out. It came to mind every time I had to do a vehicle search back in the diz-ay. Shit, more proof that I am an urban liberal.

45 minutes past the hour and Blond Sonja shows up. Just in time as we are starting to talk about vigilante justice. I doubt she'll have an opinion, but one more person to witness my opinion always makes me happy. I-USA brought up a case in NM where two retired Marines caught the guys breaking into their homes and cars and executed them. He explained how that isn't allowed under the law and I had to counter. I reminded him of the man in Texas (because Texas is AWESOME) who shot and killed the burglars who broke into his neighbors house as they fled, even though he was told by the 911 operator to not shoot. He said flat out that he would kill him. And guess what? He wasn't charged. At all. And one of those fuckers died. Bam! Every reason why Texas kicks ass. He stammered some BS about why that would have been the DA's call. Yeah, and Texas DAs make the right call.

When he asked the class if your cleaning lady can grant the police permission to search your home when you aren't there, I said yes. She is left at the home and is essentially in charge of the home and can allow the police access. He asked if anyone disagreed with me and while I am sure most of them did, they're starting to learn that I am always right. He said "Tiffany is probably right." Probably? Didn't you go to law school? No wonder you got your ass handed to you in court. 

"There was a guy in some other country who was having a seajure and the cops thought he was resitting and they pulled him from the car and he was kicking but it was really a seajure." Thanks for sharing that, who else, Fat Alberto. Gordo Hipster added "The same thing happened in Socorro. A guy was reaching for his pump and the police thought it was a gun and they shot him" How is that the same thing? Mistaking a "seajure" for resisting, probably some poorly trained cops who didn't notice eyes rolling back into the mans skull. Guy reaching for something when police are telling him to put his hands up, stupid guy. Yep, not the same thing. Nice try boys, but you suck.

I-USA has a picture of Barry "The Motha-fuckin' Man" Goldwater up on the screen. I don't even care why, I just love that Barry be representin' yo. He started talking about Michael Dukakis and how he ran against the first Bush. The Other Side of the room all scoffed. Bitches, please. Y'all don't even know anything about this. Some of them, okay like 3, are old enough to have voted in that election, though I am sure they didn't. They just heard Bush and wanted to talk shit. Fucking liberal idiots. The saddest part is that, while I am 99% sure they don't actually know what they stand for, they're conditioned to vote for whoever promises them the most free shit. I'll take comfort in knowing that no matter how much education they are given (yeah, I doubt they have to pay for it), they will not show up to the voting booths come November. I'd bet money on it. Sun City will have a less than 30% turnout this fall. 

Okay, no more politics. That's a whole 'nother blog. Can I just say that I detest women who hold in their bowl movements in the restroom? I'll explain, though it would be more funny to just not. We had about 15 minutes before break and I had to pee. I thought I could hold it but said fuck it and excused myself from the room anyway. I get in the restroom and handle my business and I hear a tiny fart. We all know what a tiny fart in a public restroom means. Some body's gotta shit and they are trying to wait until the bathroom is empty. I flush and you could hear her relief, and some more farts, because she thinks this is the beginning to her window of opportunity. I know her shit is not my business but I don't care. I speak up and say, "Honey, you might as well just let it out because I am wearing Spanx and it'll take some time to get my shit together." She gasped and then said, "Fuck it." I should have kept my mouth shut because something died in her anus. I could not wash my hands fast enough. When I came back to class, I had to knock on the door as it was locked and I-USA tried to be cute. He cracked it and said "Are you selling something? te he he." That's the best you can do? I smiled coyly and simply said, "Nice shirt." 

We're back from break and back into the swing of things. Apparently, Training Day is a great example of the exclusionary rule. No explanation as to why, he just felt the need to include it. I did just realize half the fucking class never came back from break. It's 15 after. Either they all made a McDonald's run and hit traffic or they said fuck it and left. Clown Face is still here. She must really want to see that movie. Maybe she senses it will be about Nazis and that's why she is soooo excited. Can Mexicans be Nazis? Are they both going to look at me after he hits play?

Okay, seriously, seven fucking people didn't come back. And Stoner White-Boy Cop totally just rolled his eyes when I started talking about search warrants. Maybe he's pissed he doesn't get to play subject-matter expert? Fuck you, white boy. Hipster Gordo just told us a story about his cousin who's house got raided by the cops but the cops had the wrong house. Yeah, I am so sure that he was innocent. Well, Sun City cops might actually fuck up that bad. Whatever. He really didn't have a question, just a story. Clown Face asked if the cops can tear up your car during a search, like at the bridge. I-USA said that, basically, yeah, they can. He advised them to never piss off a a Customs Agent. I added "Or just don't go to Mexico." Katniss stole this one and said "They can't. They live there." We LOLed in real life.

Katniss and I have decided that we would probably get along well with Stoner White Boy Cop and his cohort, a stalky Hispanic male with a Charlie Brown shirt. They seem to laugh or roll their eyes at Fat Alberto when we do. Maybe I judged them too soon. Also, during the break, I-USA told me I did and excellent job on my paper and then told Stoner White Boy Cop he did "pretty good too." Oh SWBC, always a bridesmaid, never a bride. We were talking about specific consent and Blob Zombie asked "Can you say you can search this but not this?" Seriously, that is what specific means. I did add that now you've told the officer what to get a warrant for. I'm pretty sure she wrote that one down. Might need it in the future.

SWBC finally said that he is in fact one of Sun City's finest. Albeit, a shitty one as he said he would not stop a guy walking into a 7-11 at 1 am with a ski mask on in the middle of the summer. Really? When we all basically said he was fucking stupid, he said he would probably stop the guy. Probably. Glad you would probably do your fucking job. It's called a fucking Terry Stop, bro. Look it the fuck up. I have changed my mind. We would not get along well.

We are covering some of next week's lecture but I-USA has advised us that we WILL get a movie. Clown Face can hardly contain herself. She pounded her fists on the desk and said "I wanna see the movies!" like a toddler demanding a snack. I wanna see you get a makeover, but I have to be patient, so you do too. Gosh darn it, he caved and is starting it. AND it's not about Nazis. He really is playing the documentary about the murders in Juarez. Fuck me. Everyone seems to be excited about the flick. I guess they fail to realize that if we didn't watch the movie, we could have left by now.

I'm going to pack my shit up now, that way I can leave as soon as I-USA shuts it down. See you Saturday...if I feel like it.

This One's For The Girls

The following, minus things in parenthesis, was transcribed by me, but word-for-word said by Little Bug. She said she wanted to blog, so blog she shall.

When I woke up last morning, I watched TV. I made mommy and daddy move so I could be in there bed. Daddy put on Nick Jr and then went down the stairs. I took his pillows and spot. It was Miss Spider's Sunny Patch. It has spiders. It has those dandy flowers too. Those ones. Mommy was asleep still because she's got ears with water in them. She said it hurts. I got water in my ear from swimming. Daddy throws me in the water and I go under and it doesn't hurt. (I'm taking this as her telling me to suck it up.)

Mommy got me dressed in shorts that have pockets and are brown. My shirt has pink and blue, but it's a little teeny orange. I got to wear my TOMS. They're like grown-up shoes but they're really cool and I like them. They're my favorite shoes and that's all I'm gonna say. Mommy did my hair and she brushes it, like a little hurt because she always makes it tangled. Well, not her making it tangled, she makes it untangled like Rapunzel but I don't have girls to make it braids.

I went to get my new glasses with Daddy last week (yesterday). We were at Miss Shannon's house and I hit the wall and they broked. I hit my face really hard. They were very new and pink too. But now they're more new and still pink. Miss Shannon gave Mommy a towel that made my face feel better. And then Mommy said "How do you feel?" and I said "All better." That's why I got new glasses.

Grandma took me to lunch with Mommy at Chili's but I didn't have to eat a chili. I ate macaroni and cheese. And oranges. And lemonade. I'm the greatest eater. Sometimes I am awesome and so strong. I love everything and people. I can make my muscles big when I eat.

I play baseball and I always hit the ball with the bat. You have to run to the base really fast. Then you can run to the other base if your team hits that ball. I do it all the time. We're the red team (Diablos). Abigail is my best friend. She hits the ball really great. I like t-ball. Coach Daddy and Coach Mommy help us play the game. They always say "Line up! We're gonna give the other team high-fives!" and I say "Coach Mommy, are you Mommy now?" and she says "Not yet" or "Yes I am." You can't have Mommy and Daddy when they are Coach because it isn't fair to the kids. They don't have Mommy's and Daddy's who like baseball so I have to share.

I always clean my pets with my glove. I have to get rid of the hair or they get angry (they get angry because of the glove!). I give them hugs but I have to catch them. I always like to pet them. Daddy always helps me clean them in the bathtub or the pool. They don't like it because they are cats and they say "Meow, meow, meow" and I think they want to fight Daddy. Not me though. They love me. Gracie is my favorite kittie because she's a girl and doesn't bite me like Cali, the other girl.

The zoo is a big place where animals live. They have a lot of animals there (not really). There are giraffes, tigers and lions. The boy lion peed on the wall. They're really big. Giraffe's favorite food is leaves on the branches but we didn't see leaves. Tigers drink lots of milk (Tony the Tiger). Do you know what the monkey's like to do at the zoo? They like throwing their poop on people. They just do that because they're poop is yucky and they like it on people's arms and legs. Elephants put water in their noses to drink it. That's how the water got in Mommy's ears. I think she went to the zoo by herself and got sprayed. (When would I do that? I asked) Last night, you went to the zoo and that's why you made me go to bed.

Poppa is so silly. He always says "You are a Mudcat!" and I say "Nanny nanny boo boo, I'm not afraid of you" because I'm NOT! Then he chases me cause I grab his tail and he has to run cause I choke him (she does). I always choke him because it's the right thing to do because he tries to be bossy to me. Poppa is not my boss. Grandma says I am Poppa's boss. I'll always be his boss. He gives me a blessing before I go to sleep at night time. He says "In the name of the father, the son, holy ghost, amen" and then I wipe my nose off.

We go swimming with Daddy all the time because he says "One, Two, Three, GO!" and throws me in the sky and then I fall in the pool. I get water in my nose and I say "Daddy you got water in my nose!" and then we do it again. He laughs but it makes my nose have water and yuckies. Mommy goes swimming with us too but she doesn't throw me. Miss Shannon and Mr. Rob come to our house and go swimming with us. They bring Ava and Caitlyn and they are my best friends. They swim with me because swimming is good for kids. Caitlyn and my dad and Mr. Rob play volleyball but we have a new volleyball game with the floaters on it and I can play.

So, Grandma likes her flowers but the cats always get into it, inside AND outside, and Grandma doesn't like that. She always says "Now look what you did, you pooped in my flowers!" She made me a cactus garden with a turnel (turtle). It's a big garden. The cat's don't go in my garden cause then they'd say "Oh! I stuck my butt!"

My favorite show is Adventure Time. It has Jake and Finn and Jake called Finn a Butt Chicken! Okay so, Jake said in the library, Finn you come back here you Butt Chicken! And the Ice King said "Gunther! Are you blowing it up in there?!" and then Finn said "Man you're gross." Ice King took all the princesses body parts and made a princess that he didn't kidnap. He took Lumpy Space Princesses lumps and it was gross. Lumpy Space Princess is gross because she's lumpy. She sanged a song about her lumps for chumps. The Ice King was smelling something and it wasn't Gunther, it was the Ice King smelling! The Ice King turned into Finn. I think Jake said he was gonna find a lady for his laddy, but he didn't. Something else though, Finn was gonna marry a fire princess but she was evil and she gave him a smack on the face and said "You never do that again!" Finn is so brave.

I'm going to marry Spike. He will have brown hair and a black shirt and black pants and have brown shoes. He's very handsome and is my favorite boy that I will marry. We will have a pink dog with pink hair that talks and stands up. Daddy said "No way that's ba-nay-nay" but Mommy said I have to go to college first. I think I'll be an astronaut in college because outer space is for when you're older. Okay, so there's aliens there and they have eyes on top of their head and they need to talk to people in college and tell them they are aliens. Astronauts have rocket ships and they fly them, so I can do that. They have astronaut shoes and I like shoes a lot. 

I think that's all I want to say. It makes me tired to talk (not tired enough for a nap). You're my best friends and I love you.

Back to Tiffany:

That took almost an hour and a half to get out of her. I had to read things back to her, get her approval for the pictures and then she told me to start over. I actually started over once but the second time told her to kick rocks. You missed an amazing story about her Princess Castle and why she wants me to give it away and buy a bigger one. 

See ya Thursday!