Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Love Me Like You Do

I've been working on this blog (in my brain) for a while now. Frankly, it was partially written (in my brain) as soon as I heard there would be a film (loosely used term) adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey. I had a few potential post titles stemming from You Give Love a Bad Name, Your Own Disaster, Miserable at Best, to Smack My Bitch Up, my personal favorite. But that was back before the outrage from the religious right filled up my FB newsfeed, demanding that no one see this movie (or read the books) or else they would be doomed to eternal hellfire and damnation. And before there was a bomb ass movie soundtrack to utilize.

I originally set out to humorously provide my commentary on the whole Grey craze. I HAVE read the books and am going to hell, but I have yet to see the film (again, loosely used term). I'm not against spending $6.50 on a matinee showing of a terribly written and (I've heard) acted portrayal of what even the most extreme BDSM participants say is a shit representation of what they do. I paid money to see Jack and Jill, so I trust me when I say I am no film snob. If anything, I would see it JUST to tear it apart. But to see it with a bunch of horny, salivating women who have built this up in their heads to be the greatest love story of all time and have dildos waiting in the wings? Naw man, I'm good. I'll wait for home release (hahahahaha ewww) to view it. That's right, I said I WILL watch it, but I already acknowledged that I am condemned to hell so what's one more sin right?

If you have not read the books, you are missing nothing. Anastasia Steele is a mousy virgin who meets a billionaire control freak named Christian Grey. He takes her virginity, though this is a terrible term. She gave it to him. She wanted it and said yeah let's do this so he TOOK nothing. Anyway, after he deflowers the poor girl, he introduces her to his red room of pain and BDSM. He has a traumatic past and that's how he gets off. In the beginning, he has all the control and somehow she changes him (after three terrible books) into a man who DOES do romance and DOES love her and relinquishes control to her. Your classic girl thinks she can change the boy and does tale. Like Beauty and the Beast with whips...and ben wa balls...and butt plugs. It is not vanilla sex by any means and not for everyone to digest. I will admit I had just finished reading Infinite Jest, a book that I am told I am supposed to brag about reading by anyone who has ever read it, and needed a mindless escape. Why not pick up an easy to read series that was once Twilight fan fiction, I thought. Plus, I have a Kindle so I figured I wouldn't be embarrassed by it as no one would know what I was reading.

Yes, I was ashamed to be reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Not because I found it sinful, but because it is a modern day Harlequin romance novel but Fabio has been replaced with a leather clad man with a ball gag. Sorry, that's not fair, Mr. Grey wears worn jeans in the red room of pain. But you see my point, I'm sure. Sex...good, bad, or with still a personal thing. I may chat with my girlfriends about sex but I don't want a stranger knowing that I am reading all about the removal of a tampon to get it on (yes that happens). How would they know you ask? I was late boarding the Mr. Grey train and everyone knew about what kind of books they were. Plus, did I mention I had just finished Infinite Jest and while I am not a film snob, I consider myself well-read and didn't want people to know I slum it from time to time.

When the world heard there would be a movie, I played the same casting director game the rest of my girlfriends did. I still maintain that Katharine McPhee and Paul Wesley should have been cast as Anastasia and Christian. THAT I would see in the theater. I saw Magic Mike with a girlfriend and that shit was awkward. The movie premise was crap, the acting was crap, and the dance scenes were so-so and I could have waited for DVD. Plus, let's say it was exciting and appealing...who wants to be a riled up in a dark theater? Come one. Ew.

So now the movie is here, complete with that bomb ass soundtrack (that I will shamelessly plug again like it's my job) and more marketing than a Marvel movie. I have read more posts on my FB newsfeed in the past two weeks about Fifty Shades than I have about ISIS and that is saying something since a large portion of my friends list is crazy ass veterans who want all them there mother f-ers dead 'n shit. I've read why Christians should shun it, why women should feel empowered by it, why men should be threatened by it, why it is hurting our children, how it leads to domestic violence, and how you too can have Fifty Shades in the bedroom.

More of my female friends than I expected are anti-Fifty. Some because it is a crap read/watch and there are much better erotic novels out there (love you Susan) and some because the relationship is fucked up (it really is) and this should not be something women aspire to have. I mean I aspire to have his bank account, but Mr. Grey can keep the handcuffs.

Most of the ladies have protested (again and again and again) due to religious reasons. Yes, with all the world's problems to tackle on behalf of God, they have chosen Fifty Shades of terrible writing. This is not love, they say. This is pornography. This is vile. This does not glorify God. This should be banned. That's their opinion and I can certainly unfollow them on FB so I don't have to see the posts they are sharing over and over and over...posts that they have not written as they would never have personal knowledge of such sin. You know, except that I know who you were before (and sometimes with) Christ. But that's not important. This is filth that Christians should wholeheartedly condemn and then judge everyone else for engaging in. Because as a Christian, you are supposed to act as God's hand extended...wait...

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. That's in the bible right? Somewhere? I know you all think I am just some heathen, but I may have read it a time or two, or fifty, and I distinctly remember Jesus telling people to chill the fuck out. He says to love as he has loved. Love them like he do (see what I did there? Title tie-in, bam). Kind of hard to show the heathens of the world God's love when you are busy damning them to hell for reading a book or watching a movie. Whatever happened to the softer of Christ? Hmmm.

Let me ask this, did you hate Harry Potter too? Were you like my Pastor's wife, telling kids that it was of the devil and reading it would send them to hell? Don't act like it was just the crazy Pentecostals in a tizzy over it because everyone was tripping on my man HP back in the day. People lined up to demand that libraries banned them and there were even a more than few Harry Potter bonfires. Not the fun kind where you roast marshmallows and throw back a few beers; I'm talking about burning books like the Nazis. What about And Tango Makes Three? The book about the two male penguins (true story) that adopt a baby penguin orphan? I know someone who wanted it banned from the library for promoting a homosexual lifestyle to her son...even though he was under a year old and she would have to read it to him for him to know what it was about. And she wasn't the only one. Seriously, a book about what really happened in nature was trying to turn all our kids gay. Maybe throw it on the pile with HP just to be safe.

I have also been told we are living in the end times and this is one more sign of that. Yeah, Revelation specifically mentions "Laters babe" and "We aim to please" in between plague (which I am sure is Ebola right?) and destruction and the anti-Christ (is that Obama?). I've read Revelation and I will start tripping when Israel is supernaturally protected by an attack from Russia because that's when it really starts to pop off.

Long story short, who's the bigger asshole here? The people reading this crap and watching it, or the person focusing all of their energy on taking it down. What have you done to glorify God lately? What actions do people see him in of yours? I can post scripture all day, 'ery day but it doesn't make me holy. It doesn't prove I am showing people Christ's love and forgiveness. It just cements in a non-believers eyes that they don't want what you're selling because what you're selling is judgment and hypocrisy.

Brennan Manning said it best. "The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable." Sure, you could (and probably will) argue that a Christian watching this film is exactly what he was talking about, but I would counter that the judgment of others is far, far worse than being the Christian chick seeing a dirty movie. We all knowingly sin every single day, so how is watching a movie any different? You don't know the condition of someone's heart any more than they know the condition of yours, but you sure are showing them the ugly bits with your attacks. I'm not saying tone down your faith to appease others, but how about you just stop being a dick about it?

You're just a sinner saved by grace...the same grace you forget to extend to others. Isn't demanding perfection from others contrary to what you believe?

I have reached around 2000 words on a topic that if you all had just ignored, would've have gone away. According to every review, the movie is a steaming pile of poo and the novelty would have soon worn off. But nope, let's make it more appealing by being the zealots who condemn it. Shit, even I want to see it now just to piss you all off.


Anonymous said...

Susan sez: I do loves me a well-written porno-erotic novel, but I already know I'm going to hell.

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