Sunday, October 21, 2012

Time Is On My Side

New class, new group, new instructor, still an outcast. There are actually 2 other white people in the class, but one is Stoner White Boy Cop from I-USA's class and the other is staring directly at my boobs. Hipster Gordo and Mexican Snookie are also in this class, but I will pretend to not know them for as long as I can get away with. There's a guy who was in my last class but I still don't know his name. We said "Hello" and all, but it was forced.

The chair of the department is our instructor. He's a bigot through and through according to Katniss, but he's got an academic crush on me already. He already announced to the class that I will be a blessed addition to the Master's program, the one they probably won't make it into. Yeah, he said it. He's never had me before but he's heard "great, excellent, amazing, inspired things" about me. I guess I am the one "you want in your group, because 90% of this class is group and she's a genius." That bar is now set way too high. I read the syllabus and had every intention of coasting through this class. I have all the individual work already done and half of my group work done. They're all looking at me like I'm a glass of water and they've been lost in the desert for a week. Well, at least I'll have my pick.

Clown Face just walked in late. I could have sworn she wasn't going to be in this class. I checked the roster and didn't see her name...oh wait, I only know her as Clown Face. No wonder I didn't know. I should really learn real names. Hehehe, and you thought I was just protecting identities.

HMIC is what we'll call the instructor. Head Mexican In Charge. He's spent the past ten minuets letting us all know just how at the top he is. He's got jokes too. I think he's a cross between George Lopez and Larry David, but not because he's Mexican, but because he does the stereotypical Mexican voice to make fun of them. I don't think I'm going to hate him. As we started going over the policy letter and syllabus, he said, "I don't do this whole 'I'm a stupid Mexican and I don't answer questions and I don't listen' because I will fail you and probably hit you." Yeah, I am the only one laughing.

There is a line in the policy letter that states "in order to promote professionalism in any criminal justice occupation and future dealings in the field, it is recommended to avoid wearing caps, hats, or sunglasses during class." I not only get it, but I love it. Hipster Gordo is wearing both a hat and sunglasses. HMIC is explaining why this is essential to giving a good presentation and why someone needs to be able to listen to you present without thinking you're a "stupid, fat, wannabe gangster" and kept his eyes locked on Hipster Gordo. He still kept his hat and shades on and HMIC let out a heavy sigh and said, "Okay, so obviously you just don't care. I'll remember that when I grade your work." AND STILL, he leaves on his cap and shades. Target acquired. 

We had a pretty intense 20 minuets or so of quality teaching before the break. HMIC sat down next to me and taught from that seat. It made everyone else tense up but I relaxed a bit and was able to take it in more than if he had been pacing up front. It helped me focus on the content and not Clown Face's sharpie brows or Hipster Gordo's eyeliner. Yeah, he has on eyeliner. HMIC did scare me a few times when he would stop speaking and yell at whoever wasn't paying attention. Not directly, mind you, but in that way that let's everyone know he means you and causes you to shrink in your chair. "BECAUSE THE CONVERSATION ABOUT WHO PUT IT IN YOU LAST NIGHT AND WHAT HAPPENED ON JERSEY SHORE HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH CRIMINAL JUSTICE.... and really, that's how you can embrace other cultures in your field of work..." He then apologized for making me jump out of my skin. Clown Face said, "Oh you did it to me too!" HMIC smiled and said, "Well, remind me to decide if I feel bad about that."

Look, I realize that if he was treating me this way, I would be irate. BUT there is a difference. I am studious, I am attentive, and I participate. THEY had a 15-minuet conversation about brands of tampons before realizing that HMIC had stopped speaking and was watching them. It's a bit deserved. Tampons guys, tampons.

I think I’ll skip the rest of class and break down each classmate for you guys. It’s going to get intense, so hold on.

Hipster Gordo: Homeboy described himself as an “Inventory Specialist Interim Supervisor” at Wal-Mart. His real name is Eduardo but he prefers Eddie because the white people always fuck his name up. Funny, because the tongue ring in your mouth caused your rolled R to sound a bit off, but I’m the one who’s going to fuck it up. He kept his shades and hat on the entire time and I heard him whisper that he was “high as fuck” so he couldn’t take them off. I’ll be sure to remember that should I find out what Wal-Mart he works at.

Stoner White Boy Cop: Apparently he just made detective for Sun City PD, though the other cops in the class were talking among themselves saying that he fucked some higher ups wife and detective is now in jeopardy. He still looks high. He is growing out his “detective mustache” as he called it, but it looks like gnarly pubes on his face.

Mexican Snookie: She’s back and still rocking coral colored clothing. I told Katniss this and she said “What? She hasn’t been shopping since before?” She works at Duncan Doughnuts and she said she recognized some of the cops from class from there. When asked what she wants to do with her degree (should she graduate), she said, “I don’t know, why are joo putting me on the spots?”

Oh Dang: I think she’s Asian. Her name is Kimmy with a B and her last name is pretty obvious ^. She is built like a super model except that her face is contorted into this hideous expression, like she had a stroke. It’s just her bad attitude. She hates our instructor and said out loud that if he pronounced her name wrong again she would report him. He told her, “You’d report me for that? What are you going to do when you see your grade from the first paper? Should I wear a second chance vest?” I LOL’d and got a death stare.

Angel Bautista: Sounds and looks just like Angel Batista from Dexter, but white. And yes, I know that Hispanics come in all different colors, but trust me, He. Is. Caucasian. And old. He works for the Department of the Army, which means he’s a civilian gate guard.

Clown Face: She worked for UPS for 16 years but quit because she didn’t feel “respecteded no more” and now is suing them for her pension. She says she has been offered some really awesome jobs (like jobs I would jump on) but she isn’t sure what she wants to do. HMIC said that it was amazing she was offered these jobs because you have to have a degree for them and she said, “Well they really like me.”

Pinky: My new teammate. She works at a call center, wants to be an FBI agent or a criminal defense attorney, and has an obsession with pink. Everything she had on, head to toe was pink. EVERYTHING. I asked, “So you like pink, huh?” to which she replied (seriously, “I try to wear it everyday. It really is my best color.” Elle Woods would be proud? She also spelled her own name wrong on the team list (and scratched it out with her pink pen to change it), thinks that immigration is cool but only for light skinned Mexicans, and says my name like “Teeeffaneeee.”

The Brain: She is also my other new teammate. She’s so quiet that you have to have her repeat things 4 to 7 times, has the thickest accent I have ever heard (or not heard) and her head is 4 times larger than it should be to be proportionate to her body. She sits next to Pinky (who is super tiny) and I hear the iconic theme song playing.

Jack Diesel: Sits in front of me and is covered in tats from his neck down. HMIC asked him what he does and he told us about the gym he works at.... whilst flexing. You work at a gym? Couldn’t tell. He wants to be DEA but undercover, which (and I am dead serious) is why he got all the tats. You know, so he could blend in. That’s totally why the DEA will hire him and start him undercover immediately.

The Three Stooges: I think I might have had them in a class or two a while back, but you’ve seen one trio of fat Sun City cops, you’ve seen them all. They sat in a row and finished each other’s sentences. They also said they knew Mexican Snookie and that she was a bitch all the time in the drive-thru to which she replied, “Oh its cuz I hate my job and shit.”

Hosway: That’s how he sounded out his name for HMIC so I guess we just have to leave it at that. He’s portly with Backstreet Boy facial hair and a bad Express for Men fitted T addiction. I know that his nipples are pierced and that he has a hairy gut because none of the sales people at Express for Men wanted to tell him that a small could not replace an 2XL. He’s the same kid who wanted to work with the Federalas in my last couple of classes, but now, he wants to work for “childrens stuff.”

Flowers: Skinny, pockmarks, whip smart, and also my new teammate. Works for his dad’s detailing company but wants to work for customs. He only has a few more classes, but his dad said he couldn’t apply until he finished college. He’s 19. Apparently he graduated HS at 17 with his Associates because Sun City offers that program. I am tres impressed, but can’t look directly at his face. I might throw up, seriously.

Dental Diva: Showed up HELLA late and then demanded to be handed the roster to sign. HMIC said it could wait until break and she said, “You gon’ regret that. Imma sign all large and shit.” HMIC asked her to please settle down and added, “Let’s not show up late AND be disruptive.” She shut up quickly. It’s hard to be taken seriously when you have Mickey Mouse scrubs on. Her and Oh Dang are buddies (and the tampon convo culprits) and during break conversed about how it was too bad the dentist she works for is old and married because he has mad money. And is also probably too rich to go for your FUPA.

Chinese Tats: He started by saying, “I’m open to whatever (long pause followed by gross smile) ladies.” Had to swallow down my puke. He wants to work for some type of criminal justice entity (but he said envyty) but not one that has crazy hours because “I did that once with the Navy and I’m not about that anymore.” He has Chinese symbols lining his forearms that he says mean all the clich├ęd things, and check this out, he got them “in Asia on shore leave. That’s some authentic shit, you know?”

Dawg: Dawg is my dream teammate. He is a vet tech, a substitute teacher, this is his last class, and he will be leaving for Dallas to work as an Animal Cruelty Investigator for Dallas. He’s THIS close to being done, which means he will not be fucking anything up, but the Three Stooges snatched him up.

Should be a pretty easy class. Not too much learning team stuff, and I always appreciate that. My art class that I’m taking online is a different story. I have the uneducated team from hell. More on them later. I hope to get back into the swing of regular blogging, but who knows. See you later.


Ana Lyman said...

I have missed you and your wonderful blogs! Keep the antics coming!

Shannon {ava_caitlyn} said...

I missed your blogs!!! I am loving Jack Diesel... and PINKY! I am her. Well, kind of. :)

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