Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I've Been Everywhere

I really have. And now I am smack dab in Middle of Nowhere, Texas...better known as Kitty Kat, Texas. Don't get me wrong, aside from the herd of bison that don't think I'm good enough for my husband, it is a great place. Most people are very friendly, genuine, and I know I can count on them for anything.

Anything except having a Walmart, Target, drug store, Starbucks, etc. in their back yard. If they did, I would never leave this place. But alas, they do not and I must troll the Internet for the things I require...or just really want.

Starting with: An at home pedicure. You see, there is no nail salon, no comfy chair that massages my lower lumbar as I listen to bitchy Koreans talk about how dry my feet are. I miss those angry little Asians. *tear* I've had to take matters into my own hands...

This thing is a lifesaver. No foot soaking needed and I don't have to be referred to as white girl. Time saver and less racist.

Have I mentioned that Kitty Kat, Texas is dry? As in booze is not sold in this town village rest stop that I reside in. I could drive 17 miles to the county seat and buy beer at the gas station, but no liquor or wine. BUT (!) it's almost like Amazon.com knew that this would happen and prepared in advance. I give to you Amazon Wine!

I have Amazon Prime and my shipping is free and quick. Wine shall be mine!

Now, I know what you all y'all are thinkin', that there girl needs a wine rack to store all that there wine she's gonna be orderin'. Yep. Already ahead of you. And after trolling Amazon for hours...okay, like 15 minutes, I found this one that hold 9 bottles of manna from heaven.

Wall mounted means I don't have to try to find space for it. And though that price says $30.19, I got it for free 99, because Baby Sis decided I needed a house warming gift. She kind of doesn't suck.

Now, I'm not a super lush...but I do know where a drive-thru liquor store is about 45 minutes away. 

Moving on. You know what else the country has? Bugs. Every single type of bug imaginable. I would not be shocked if a Camel Spider popped its head out my kitchen cabinet just to say "Hey!" Actually, Hubby is super OCD about cleaning and bug extermination, so finding a bug in the house would actually surprise me, but if he was chillin' on my front porch with a sweet tea, I would wave back. Little bug hates bugs as well, and I think its time to buy stock in OFF.

You may be thinking, "Wow, she has options to choose from!" You'd be wrong. I use all of these. Yes, at the same time. Okay, I'm kidding. No, I am actually not.

The other night, Hubby was out patrolling the mean streets of Briscoe County. Little Bug and I were just about to go to sleep, when we heard the unmistakable sound of the glass door opening, followed by someone trying to open the front door. Little Bug said, "Daddy's home!" and I went into the living room to greet him. But NO, I did not see his head through the windows at the top of the door. Someone was still trying to open the door though, so I turned right around and went to retrieve my baby. Not Little Bug, my other baby.

Beretta PX4 Storm Subcompact 9mm. And yes those are hollow points. Mine is loaded with them as well. Come in my house, I dare you.

EXCEPT my baby was not in its usual spot. I then grabbed my other baby, locked us in my bedroom and called Hubby. He was in the county seat, but sent the Sheriff and a state trooper to come right over and check the surrounding area. They found nothing but footprints likely belonging to the heathen children that live behind us. I'm actually happy that Hubby had my gun, because I would have probably fired. 

Which brings me to the next thing you need in the country. Security lights. And you can bet your ass that I bought one that will blind ya.

Worth every penny. Country people seem to be afraid of lights. I think that's why they don't have street lights, stop lights, or even electricity. I kid, I kid. Only the meth trailers are electricity free.

There is so much more stuff I have Amazon'd since our arrival, but I've got to save something for next week. That isn't a promise to actually write next week, but I might think about it. And since this should have been up yesterday before my iPhone Blogger app ate it, I'll have Tuesday's Thrashing up soon too!


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