Friday, November 16, 2012

Low Expectations

Sometimes, I come to class thinking, "Man, tonight is going to be epic." I felt that way tonight. I woke up at 1630 hrs (I am normally getting ready by 1500), had to rush to get ready and print out my note cards for my team presentation that I forgot to practice. As I am rushing out the door, my mom and husband inform me that Little Bug got hurt at school today and one of her teachers was a total bitch about it. So I had to stay and get the whole story. That set me back 10 minuets and the line at Starbucks put me back another 15. By the time I got to school, I knew tonight had to be entertaining, because it always is when I am in no mood to write.

Wrong. Tonight is a snoozer. The last night of class always seems to disappoint me. Everyone has checked out. Usually, I can count on these people to be at their literary best when I am at my most tired, annoyed, rushed, etc., but tonight I am let down. Maybe if this was last week...le sigh. 

So fuck them. I'll be ranting about zee German.

Little Bug is in Pre-K as I am sure I have bragged about numerous times. The very first day, she made a BFF. We shall call her Julie. Julie and Little Bug were both born in Germany, at the same hospital no less. Her father is in the Army and her mom is German. She's a few months older than Little Bug, taller, and a brunette. She has a 7 or 8 year old sister that she is a carbon copy of. We will call her Jay. Little Bug and Julie are inseparable. They insist on holding hands pretty much all the time, they finish each other's sentences, and they laugh at everything like it's an inside joke. I'm very happy Little Bug has a BFF.

Julie's mom is a whole different story. N and Jim (the husband) have been married for some time. They met in Germany when he was stationed there the first time and while she was dating another American service member. I'm not judging, it'll be important later.

SN: One of the cops is sitting next to me biting his nails and popping his joints over and over. I want to beat him. His nail bits are scattered all over the desk. I may scream.

After a week or to of school, I invited N and Julie over to swim on a Sunday. I believe it was Labor day, and we also had over my gal Shannon and her awesome brood. I figured that if N and I didn't hit it off, at least I would have Shannon there. I don't want to take to long on the Labor Day fiasco, but the woman is a nut. She spent almost the entire day talking about our pool and how she wished they had put in a pool instead of turf, how "they" were in the Army, and a plethora of info about her oldest daughter Jay. She ignored Julie to the point that the little girl clung to me like I was her mom. I am not normally a kid person (unless it's my friend's kids) but I felt so bad for her. She was desperate for attention. And of course, Little Bug was so taken with the older sister. I know that's how little girls are, but I was on LB like a hawk making sure she paid attention to Julie instead.

Jim showed up and he was everything I expected. Loud, pompous, boisterous, typical southerner. Hubby and Shannon's hubby Rob got on great with him, but I couldn't believe how much he dominated the conversation. I thought I was loud...sheesh.

Despite being severely annoyed with N's obsession with materialistic things, I dismissed it as a cultural miscommunication. Despite having been in the US for sometime, her accent was still noticeable and there were just some things about her that screamed "GERMAN!" What bothered (bothers) me the most is her total disregard for Julie. The sun rises and sets with Jay, but Julie is often times ignored. They went to Jay's school's Fall Festival, but skipped Julie's because "Jay didn't want to go to something for little kids." They ordered Jay's school portrait but were not going to order Julie's until she "cried like a little baby about it." When Julie comes over for a play date, she can only stay an hour or two because it isn't fair to Jay. Yep, Jay, who is in school until 3, doesn't think it is far that while she is at school Julie is at our house playing with Little Bug. We wouldn't want to anger Jay.

The first time Julie came over for a play date, she said and did some things that really bugged me. She told Little Bug that LB had such a nice small tummy and that she (Julie) was fat and gross. Little Bug ran in my room to tell me this, and also that "Julie said she hates herself." I had to have LB repeat this like six or seven times. I couldn't believe that a five-year-old girl was even capable of thinking she was fat or hating herself. I had them both come in my room. They climbed up on the bed and we had a talk about self-worth. We talked about how you should always love yourself, no matter what. I don't even know if I handled it right (LB is not lacking in self-worth AT ALL), but her angst broke my heart.

I didn't bring it up to her mom. what would I have said? Your daughter has body image issues at 5? As a younger sister, I assumed she got most of this from her older sister, they're where we little sisters get most of our issues, but a nagging part of me wondered if N was partly or mostly responsible. She is constantly comparing Julie to Jay and Little Bug. "Oh look at Little Bug's outfit? See how pretty she is?", "Julie, why isn't your hair pretty like Little Bug's?", "Jay doesn't have dry skin like Julie", and much worse. Every time she opens her mouth out flows something critical about Julie, and Julie is always within ear shot.

When it was Julie's turn to host a play date, I ended up staying there as well. Not because I didn't want to leave Little Bug alone (though I didn't), but because Jim was also home and he insisted on giving me a tour of their house. The same house N was devastated about because they didn't have a nice pool like ours. The house is nice, really, but it isn't anything different from any other house in Sun City. Two-story, multiple car garage, open floor plan, up near the mountain and over-priced. They paid $225,000 for it using their VA loan and put nothing down. Not the route I would take, but they were sure proud. Then the tour started.

We started on the second floor with the kids playroom. It was full of toys (mostly Jay's), a big screen LCD TV, pottery barn furniture, and "super expensive carpet." I know how much everything cost in the room...because they told me. Jim kept nudging me and saying, "Guess how much that carpet cost. Just guess." I finally did and he LOL'd in my face and said, "Double that!" All for a kids play room.

I was whisked to Jay's room, also filled with the best furniture money can by. Crate and Barrel, Pottery Barn, Ethan Allen...all were present in Jay's room. I remarked that I loved the quilt set from Target, and N looked at me terrified. "You can tell it's from Target?!" she asked. I told her that I had looked at the same one for Little Bug and that though we did not get it, it was really cute. I'm sure she threw it out after and bought a high-end one. Julie's room was far less fancy. Also rocking a quilt set from Target (the owl one we got for Little Bug), N didn't put the same effort into coordinating this room as she did Jay's. Nothing on the wall (Jim said it's because he doesn't want nail holes in that room only), furniture matched but looked like it had been abused by someone before she got it...just a marked difference. She didn't even keep the door open that long, as if the room embarrassed how she treats Julie.

Down the hall was Master Suite number 1. N sleeps in this one, complete with more Pottery Barn furniture, a balcony, Jacuzzi tub, walk-in closet and "just a wonderful view" of the side of a mountain. After they listed the prices of everything from the carpet (different and more expensive) to the wall sconces, we moved downstairs. Jim sleeps in Master Suite number 2. Lives is a better word. Like, I get sleeping in another room because your spouse snores, but they LIVE in separate rooms. This one was a man bedroom to the core, but decked out in leather and "rich mahogany." I swear to whomever you worship, he said that...and was NOT making an Anchorman reference.

Then came the kitchen, laundry room, backyard, living room and formal dining room. Without giving the same price list they gave me, I will tell you that anyone who spends that much money on minor, non-value adding improvements on their home is an idiot. But anyone who brags about it, knowing that I know how much you make at your rank, is a pompous idiot. 

Despite all of these things, I was still pretty tolerant of Das German. Every morning when we drop the girls off at school, I can be polite and listen as she rambles on about how they should be stationed at the Pentagon and not here, how they should have got a pool (STILL!), how Little Bug is so pretty compared to Julie, and how they aren't going to participate with Julie's school fundraisers because Jay's school already had one. Until Red Ribbon Week hit. Each day had a specific theme. Day one was the day the kids got to dress up like what they want to be when they're older, day two was Tie-dye, day three was patriotic, day four was pajamas, and day five was crazy hair day. Little Bug dressed as a rock star for day one and while the kids were playing before class, N asked me what I was going to do about the tie-dye shirt. I told her I was going to make one. 

Then, my hatred of her officially began. She went on to tell me how difficult it was going to be to make a tie-dye shirt and how it WOULD NOT BE FAIR to Julie if Little Bug had one and she did not. Yeah, it wouldn't be fair to YOUR child that I make MY child a shirt. You know what isn't fair? The fact that if it was for Jay, you would have made three shirts so she had options. I made a shirt anyway, her child's feelings be damned and it cost me less than ten bucks and a few hours of my time. But from that point on, everything out of her mouth has sparked a rage in me that I can not quell. 

She is atrocious right? But wait, it gets worse. She treats me like her human Google. Every morning, EVERY FUCKING MORNING, she has a new batch of questions for me that a normal person would just, well, Google. Or Bing, pick your poison. At first it was just questions about the weather this time of year and if I know of any good local whatevers. However, the questions quickly morphed into where should she shop online for multiple, very specific things and what should she buy her 11-year-old niece for Christmas. Each time I try to passively answer the questions, she presses me for more info. Take the present question, I told her, "Aren't most little girls into dolls and stuff. Try that." Should have been the end of the convo right? Nope. She then wanted to know what kind of dolls, what does she do if the niece doesn't like the dolls she sends, should she send it with a gift receipt so she can return it, should she spend more than $50, dolls are kind of immature, maybe she should just send clothes, but what are the sizes....and on and on. Then she abruptly stops and says, "Dolls aren't right for her. I shouldn't have asked you." Go. Fuck. Yourself.

I don't answer now. I just pretend that watching Little Bug play is taking every ounce of my being. She hasn't clued in and still asks. I must not reply because the things that will come out of my mouth are not going to be pleasant. Or appropriate to say in front of our children. I feel like this blog hasn't remotely covered the suckfest that is Das German N, but she's one of those women you have to experience in person...

Anyway, I'm exhausted and need to sleep. I'll check in with Black Friday drama next week.

Oh, here's Little Bug's Red Ribbon Week pics:

OF COURSE she wants to be a Rock Star when she grows up!

Yeah, I made that shirt.

Voting for her future and waving like a candidate.

Pajama day...except she didn't sleep in those.

Her idea of crazy hair was me NOT styling it. One mom tried to make a dig by saying "I thought YOU of all the mom's would have done something crazy!" To which I replied, "She wanted it down and unstyled, like your daughter, every day." Take that bitch...and change out of your pajama pants.


Shannon {ava_caitlyn} said...

OMG. I made an appearance in your bloggy! WOOT! Yep, not digging this chick. LB looks so very cute. I love her!!! Oh, and it is really not fair that you made her a shirt...and not A... Just saying.

Paula Bridge said...

I spent the past three days reading all your posts. I lost count of how many times I laughed until I cried. You are hilarious!
I must ask, do you ever accidentally call your classmates by their blog names?

Fat Bottomed Girl said...

Thanks for reading. I've been so busy with work that I haven't had time to write lately.

Now as for your question...I have come very close a few times with Fat Alberto and Typhoid Maria. They are very much their blog names to me and I would catch myself starting to say their names. Katniss and I called them their blog names in conversation because she knows about the blog.

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