The Bitch Is Back (Part 1)

I had a tough time choosing the title for tonight's blog. Ultimately, Elton John always wins out, but I had some other close choices. Keeps Getting Better was the second in line, but as I detest Christina Aguilera, I had to veto it. Stiletto by Billy Joel and Cold as Ice by Foreigner also came into play, but I think I can save them for later. Besides, The Bitch is Back is the best possible description for how my night will unfold.

I'm currently taking my last ground class at University of Fictitious Bird. This might make some of you sad, but don't fret as I have two more online classes and chapters (yes chapters) worth of stories that never made the blog. Not because they weren't good, but because they were chapter material. Read into that what you will (see what I did there?). Anyway, this class is all about international relations. Seems apropos since I seem to be the only American in the class.

My instructor loves me. He's an old, hunchback Jew who is hard of hearing, yet full of knowledge. I sit in awe each week as he explains things to us and recalls specific incidents of international significance that he lived through. I kind of wish he was my Zayde and I could come visit him in his home that smells of rich mahogany and he would tell me stories from the war. I don't think he's THAT old, maybe more Korean War than WWII. Every week, it feels like he and I have this intense discussions about world affairs and that we're the only two people in the room. Well, we are the only ones who actively participate. Everyone else needs to be stabbed in the temple to get some brain juice flowing.

My team is no exception. They. Are. Idiots. The self-appointed team leader, Poison Pussy, is a daft and aging pathetic hipster and single mother of 20. Okay, I think she said she had 4, but she doesn't have custody of all of them because of her issues. I candidly asked, "Is it the meth?" but she laughed. She either didn't get it or it was a nervous laugh because she's a methhead. She is easily in her late thirties with or without meth use, has spotty dyed pink hair, and dresses like my baby sister did when she worked at a hipster skate shop (you know it was bad little sis). And she thought Iran was in China. I'll let that sink in..........................we good? Moving on.

Then there is Belittle. She's fat, but not obese, more like weird shapes. She speaks English, but that is a generous statement. She "es an ejucation major. I like to teash the kids" Yep. She also plagiarizes like a fucking idiot and still does not understand why "joo can't just use the words of the writers because that's what joo say anyway." She's not really important, except that she would be the easiest of the group to make cry. I call her Belittle because it sounds like her name and it's so easy to do to her.

Finally, we have GI Schmo. He wasn't in class for week one, didn't speak to us at all during week two (except to say "You air force?"), and week three, didn't communicate with the group at all about the team assignment, and then added his unedited train wreck portion to the final version and said "Don't worry guys, I added my part." No dumb ass, you were left off for a reason. When I told the instructor and GI Schmo that his part should not be considered as part of the paper, he told me I wasn't as "high speed" as I think I am, then sent me this message:

i said the high speed reark as a joke i am not mocking your military service, I served in the Army as a combat engineer probably one of the most dangerous jobs to have,two deployment to Iraq & Afghanistan, so if anybody who knows what it means to serve and sacrifice it would be me. I have lost best friends in these pointless wars. So as you can see i am a veteran just like you and i know war. So if you think i was mocking your service, you are wrong, I figure you would get the joke but didn't take it so well. your bad.

Yeah, because your military service is relevant to the situation at hand. He knows war, but doesn't know how to write properly or comply with team deadlines. I got 8 out of 8 on the paper. Poison Pussy and Belittle got 4 and 3 respectively. GI Schmo got a 1. Needless to say, they're all a little pissed.

That's what brought on this weeks drama. I missed class on week 3. I didn't feel good and I was tired. But I messaged PP and told her that I would provide an outline for the week 4 assignment. She said OK. Of course she did because she doesn't posses an original or creative thought in her tiny little meth-riddled brain. I messaged her my outline and she texted me back to say that they came up with their own idea and that I could do it or be kicked out of the group. WHAT? We were on good terms the week before. Other than getting a better grade than them, I didn't do anything wr....Oh. That's it. Anyway, she assigned me and GI Schmo the same thing essentially. We can ignore the fact that her plan (which I learned was actually GI Schmo's plan) was not even close to what the syllabus called for and just focus on the redundancy for a second. I explained to her the dilemma she created and she said "Do it or don't. You can be kicked out real quick." I politely responded that a simple Google search would prove me correct, but we could always involve the instructor if she wanted to be argumentative. She did. So I got Zayda involved. He informed them I was correct and said that he "strongly suggested that Tiffany's suggestions become law in this team." Owned.

The thing is, no ones portion changed but mine. They all still had a full week to do their portions, while I had less than a day. It was due to GI Schmo on Tuesday and it all got resolved on Monday afternoon. However, I am the only one who posted my learning team portion to the team forum on Tuesday. When I noted this to GI Schmo and asked for transparency, I was told to kick rocks. He said he would edit it, post it for review, and submit it "when I get to it" and then added that I needed to "be calm and courteous" if it was even in me. We all know how I feel about time lines and due dates, but I feel even more strongly about some POS, dumb as rocks, wannabe bad ass telling me where to go. So I replied.


The team charter, much like the course syllabus, is a biding document for the learning team. Failure to adhere to it will result in the instructor grading members differently for the submitted assignment. We all agreed to adhere to the charter and university rules. I'm not sure about your feelings on integrity, but I feel VERY strongly about it. Failure to produce your portion for the assignment on the day YOU requested it is a lack of integrity on your part. Holding people accountable to their word is not disrespectful, but not honoring your word certainly is.

Not as snarky as you all expected? Well, the forum is monitored. I have to maintain some control. He didn't reply. Instead, he posted last night this:

Hey everyone here is the Paper for week 4. Good job everyone, good sources, good citations and good coverage on the topics given.  Feel free to check it out and let me know what you all think. 
Thank you for all your hard work everyone.

Except, he didn't wait for review and corrections, he posted it for grading. I am irate. With the exception of my portion and references, the entire thing is a train wreck. Egypt is spelled "Eygpt" 13 TIMES throughout three separate sections of the paper. Citations don't exist and there is bold, absolute plagiarism by the paragraph. I printed out the paper, the plagiarism check, and the school's editing software's corrections of the paper and plan on bringing them to class to gloriously shame them all. Also, I WILL be telling GI Schmo that even though he referred to everything as good, I don't think that word means what he thinks it means. Yep, sometimes you have to go Princess Bride on a mother fucker.

I publicly and formally asked to be recused from the team and the team assignment via the forum. I stated that I do not, have not, and will never participate in violations of the university's policy and do not support academic dishonesty. I also made sure to highlight that my portion was checked for plagiarism and came back clean. And I posted EVERYTHING in the team forum. I'm covered. They, however, posted nothing in the team forum, so proving who wrote (or stole) what is going to be a little harder. Zayda takes plagiarism very seriously and will be forced to submit the three of them to the Academic Integrity Council. Meanwhile, I'll be free to operate as my own learning team and next week, I'll presenting an intelligent analysis of Middle East relations. I get sweet revenge and freedom.

Well, I hope that's how it'll play out. Stay tuned....


Oh, here's a taste of the edits needed to make their paper not suck:

 

 

There was much, much more, but the black ink doesn't do it justice. I should have used green, like my favorite English teacher Mr. Woo. I feared green. Maybe these people should too.

The Angry American

Okay, I realize that I many, many, MANY years late on this one, but funny things come to me when I’m in the shower. In this case, it was brought to me by Spotify radio. I was listening to “Boys Round Here” by Blake Shelton earlier today and I was diggin’ it so much that I hit the radio button for it. Normally, Spotify would generate a radio station with similar artists and genres. I expected some “1994” by Jason Aldean, The Pistol Annies, Miranda Lambert, or even some Kenny Chesney. What I got was “Dear Mr. President” by Pink. I double-checked, then triple checked, and yes, it said “Boys Round Here Radio.” Spotify, you have never made such a big mistake, but I forgive you because the song brought on a wave of emotion.

For those of you who have not heard the song, you’re not missing much. It’s Pink’s lyrical open letter to then President Bush circa 2006. It’s everything you would expect from a liberal woman and every criticism of President Bush that was trendy. It’s also pretty catchy and I found myself singing along. Except I didn’t imagine I was pleading with W, I saw President Obama in my minds eye. If I didn’t know that Pink was a hypocritical liberal who made a quick buck on attempting to shame a man with his past, I’d have thought it was directed at Barry Soetoro. Not sure who that is? That would be President Barrack Hussein Obama II, at least that’s what he used to go by.

Anywho, I thought I would try my hand at song interpretation. In BOLD are Pink’s lyrics and underneath in regular text are my thoughts. Enjoy. Or get really offended. either way gets me blog traffic.

Dear Mr. President,

Come take a walk with me.

For a photo op? Because that doesn’t sound like something Bush would do. Obama, for sure. He loves a good walking photo.

Let's pretend we're just two people and

You're not better than me.

Did Bush really act as if he was better than anyone? This line confuses me. I don’t recall him throwing expensive parties and taking million-dollar vacations at the cost of taxpayers. I mean, we weren’t even in a recession then and the man would take a trip down to Crawford Ranch, which he owned. But whatever, who cares about poor Americans when you get to party with Justin Timberlake.

I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.

This one. THIS. ONE. Couldn’t get Obama to do this. Everything is either Bush’s fault, the GOP’s fault, or he just doesn’t answer.

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?

What does Obama feel? Not much, or not enough to do something about it.

Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?

Does he pray that those awful Jews stop trying to control him or that America will fall? His pastor, Jeremiah Wright, certainly believes that. He called Israel an illegal state and said “To equate Judaism with the state of Israel is to equate Christianity with Flavor Flav.” He also called for God to damn America. This is the man who married the Obama’s, baptized their children, and even is credited for the title of his book, The Audacity of Hope. I don’t think I would personally let an anti-Semitic baptize my kids, but I’m not Obama.

What do you feel when you look in the mirror?

I hear he does this A LOT. Reports also state that he spends a large amount of time Googling himself. And don’t forget the many, many, MANY reports about his narcissism. Like this one. Or this one. And this one.

Are you proud?

Yes, I really think he is. Watch Obama’s America: 2016 just one time with an open mind. You might surprise yourself.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?

He’d probably like to use our tears as lube. Or he doesn’t hear the cries because he’s too busy partying with Jay-Z.

How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?

Oh this line, how I’ve been waiting for you. Not only has Obama NOT ended the war; he’s dragged us into more conflicts. But while I know this line was meant for Bush and our soldiers deaths, I’d like to highlight four mothers in particular who didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.

Mary J. Stevens, mother of Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens.

Patricia Smith, mother of Sean Smith, a U.S. Foreign Service Information Management Officer.

 Barbara Doherty, mother of Glen Doherty, retired Navy SEAL and contracted State Department employee.

Cheryl Bennett, mother of Tyronne S. Woods, retired Navy SEAL and State Department Diplomatic Security team member.

These four women did not get a chance to say goodbye to their sons; sons who ere savagely murdered by Muslim terrorists who attacked our American Embassy in Benghazi. Their sons called for help multiple times, only to be ignored by the President and his people. These four women don’t even get answers as to why their sons were left to die. They get a government cover-up on par with a Hollywood movie plot.

How do you walk with your head held high?

Oh this is easy. He’s a pompous narcissist, that’s how.

Can you even look me in the eye

And tell me why?

No, he can’t tell you why, because a man who ran on a platform of transparency has been the least transparent President of recent memory. You don’t have a right to know what a public servant does.

Dear Mr. President,

Were you a lonely boy?

Are you a lonely boy?

Are you a lonely boy?

I don’t know if he was lonely. His mom was a loose woman who had plenty of people in an out of his life. Hippies always have someone around…with pot.

How can you say

No child is left behind?

Yeah, this one was all Bush (the program at least), except that Obama cares more about teacher’s unions than the education of our children. Take a good look at the Chicago public school system, it’s pretty telling.

We're not dumb and we're not blind.

I’m not dumb and I’m not blind, but I’m not too sure about the writer of this song. Keep on praising Obama and the main stream media’s coverage of him all you want, but it doesn’t mean I have to be a sheep.

They're all sitting in your cells

While you pave the road to hell.

Yeah, I have heard Gitmo is pretty packed. Funny, I though Obama was going to close it.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?

Which rights? Her right to bear arms? He’s not a big fan of that one, or the Constitution for that matter. Obama once stated, “Our Constitution reflected the fundamental flaw of this country that continues today.” And this gem, “Well, it turns out our Founders designed a system that makes it more difficult to bring about change than I would like sometimes.” Well, thank goodness for that! Imagine what he’d be doing if he DIDN’T have the Constitution to keep him in line.

And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?

Well, only until a half year ago did he care about that one.

I can only imagine what the first lady has to say

You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.

Or pot. But really, Michelle has a LOT to say. She said he was born in Kenya. She said she was a single mother. She said she was only proud of America because a black man was elected. She also said “All this for a damn flag” during the 9/11 ten year memorial.

Let me tell you 'bout hard work.

What hard work? Obama has always been given a free ride. Always. And he has only been employed as a civil servant, which let’s be honest, is welfare.

Minimum wage with a baby on the way.

Maybe those people should make responsible decisions. Besides, Obama is totally cool with you killing that baby.

Let me tell you 'bout hard work.

Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away.

The bombs Obama sent. Drones baby, drones. And we’re next if we get out of line.

Let me tell you 'bout hard work.

Building a bed out of a cardboard box.

Just wondering what Pink knows about any of this. Why don’t you redistribute some of your wealth? After all, Obama did say that at some point, you just have enough money.

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Hard work

Hard work

You don't know nothing 'bout hard work

Hard work

Hard work

Oh

I completely agree. Obama and you know NOTHING of hard work.

How do you sleep at night?

Just like you do Pink; with a chip on your shoulder and condemnation in your heart.

How do you walk with your head held high?

Again, narcissists can do this easily.

Dear Mr. President,

You'd never take a walk with me.

Would you?

He would most definitely take a walk with you. As long as you can get him press and a Google alert.

Stupid Hoe

The problem with last week's "MJ I'm back" fax (as it has been labeled), also known as Paperback Writer, is that I'm not really making a comeback. I have too much going on to apply the required energy to bring you all daily snark.

But I can give you pictures.

Blond Sonja has gone dark...only in her hair though as she has squeezed herself into white leggings.

I really wish I would have been bold enough to snap a full-frontal shot. I think that'll be my goal for next week. Why next week? Because I overheard her telling Juarez Teenager female about this super hot dress she got for her date next week. Oh, I forgot to mention, she is the side piece for a Muslim dude and they meet up on Thursday nights. He picked Thursdays because she already has a sitter to come to class. Odd though, I thought Muslim's couldn't have pork?