Sweet Escape

Fat Alberto is at it again. He knows everything about anything and is determined to share it no matter what. Tonight we started out by talking about DWIs/DUIs. I know what you’re thinking, he knows about them because he’s had one, but that’s not the case. He knows all about the subject of drunk driving because; get this, someone told him. He doesn’t remember whom, but someone did tell him.

According to him, in the state of Texas you DO NOT have to do a Breathalyzer test. The cop will just take you to the place (yeah, the place) and you can tell the lawyer people that you don’t want to and they let you go. “They let you go because, you know, they don’t have the proofs that you were drinking because they didn’t steal your breaths, you know.”  KiKi Quiver Bone wanted to correct him, it was written all over her face, but she deferred to me.

To say that I enjoyed telling him just how wrong he was is like saying that sex feels good.  I think I exuded radiance. If you turned off the lights, I would have glowed. My smile was bigger and bigger with every point I disproved. Every time he tried to interject, I held up my finger emphatically as if to say “Shut the fuck up, adults are speaking.” There were a few times when he seemed to cower in his chair. Yeah, I liked it.

We moved on to concealed weapon laws. Racista told us a story about a gun her ex-boyfriend (the crazy cop) gave her and how when her house got searched by the cops, they told her she stole a cops gun. But her house was searched by accident. Oh, because search warrants get issued by accident all the time…well this is the Sun City, that’s actually plausible. However, you have a crazy ass ex-boyfriend who has abused his power to stalk you MULTIPLE times, so I’m thinking this wasn’t an accident. And why the fuck would you take a gun from him? You didn’t think “Hey maybe I shouldn’t take a gun from my disgruntled ex who’s a cop” or “Maybe this is a set up”.

KiKi is hiving the fuck out. She’s the white version of the Hulk. I’d be right there with her except at this point, Racista is fucking asking for it. She knows what to do, she doesn’t seem scared, and she is CLEARLY relishing the attention she’s getting from everyone about this. I almost want to find out his name to give him a head’s up. Like “Bro, you’re ex is trashing you and saying you’re a dirty cop.” There is a part of me that keeps thinking there is a chance she’s telling the truth, maybe that’s why I haven’t tracked his ass down. It just seems so….so much like bullshit. I find it pretty hard to believe that you would so nonchalant about the safety of yourself and your child. Or maybe she is. Maybe this is normal behavior where she comes from.

We just broke for lunch and Semper Fucking Idiot sauntered in. I guess he’s too busy and important to show up on time. I can’t wait to get him all riled up again. His neck fat jiggles when he’s raging out and it makes me chuckle. He keeps staring at me, like he wants to say something but suddenly forgot his words.

Somehow we got to talking about the Texas Seven and Semper Fucking Idiot puffed up his chest and added his input. This is WORD FOR WORD what he said:

SFI: When that shit went down, it was intense. They took forever to find them.

First of all, according to his own bio he gave the first day of class, he was not a local cop then. Second of all, KiKi was one of the prosecutors of two of the escapees and was placed under police protection when they escaped, so she kind of knows what she’s talking about. Thirdly, they were apprehended within a month, that isn’t really forever. You all know me, I have to wave the bullshit flag.

Me: You worked that case?

SFI: Well, yeah, I mean, I know about it.

Me: Well most of the country KNOWS about it. I KNOW about it, doesn’t mean I worked it.

SFI: I KNOW about it too. They were arrested in El Paso County.

Me: Yeah, El Paso County COLORADO.

SFI: No, El Paso County TEXAS.

KQB: No, El Paso County Colorado.

SFI: Well I know some guys that worked it and arrested them here.

Me: Then you know some guys who lied. They caught them in Colorado. And you said you were still in the Marines then. So you lied to.

SFI: I didn’t say I worked it. You said those words. Not me.

Me: But you implied those words.

SFI: I don’t know what that means. Now you’re making stuff up.

Me: I’m making up the word implies? Or I’m making it up that you implied something?

SFI: Yeah those.

Me: Those what?

SFI: Whatever.

Me: And they let you carry a gun.

SFI: Well, yeah, I’m a cop.

Me: (to KiKi) Next slide please.

It’s like I am a magnet for these people. God forbid I have a class of NOT idiots. Or a blog that isn’t mistaken for that of a Catholic Santorum supporter (some of you will get that). I checked out after that. I figured anything else that anyone else could say would fail in comparison.

Before I end this, let me inform you all that I am a woman named Alice and a minority. All of you are part of "The Insidious Liberal Plan to Infiltrate and Indict the Tea Party". My followers that have blogs don't actually write them. They are all robots carefully crafted to seem like caring housewives and mothers, but they're really spies for Obama. Click the link, you'll see. Anyone who has met me in real life was a part of the conspiracy as well because I don't really exist, so you must be lying. And because I am sure that crazy asshole PolitiJim will read this searching for more clues to the conspiracy he's created, let me state that was all SARCASM. 

Next week I'll recap the end-of-class potluck we are being forced to have. Or maybe I won't. I may post this blog full of detail and then disappear without any explanation because that's what robot blogs do.

Don't Stand So Close to Me

Or sit. Or breathe. I am sitting at least 15 feet away from a girl in bedazzled jeans and a too-tight top, hooker hoop earrings, J-Lo blowout hair, and claws that are in need of a fill. She smells like she bathed in Paris Hilton perfume or something equally as cheap and tacky. It's nauseating. I got an instant headache 30 seconds after she walked in the door. Here's the kicker, I had to walk past her to throw away something and she was talking and I am 99% positive someone shat on or around her mouth. But she's chewing gum. It's probably shit flavored. I don't think I would want to hose her down as much if she would just shut the fuck up. She has questions about everything. It isn't the rest of the class' fault you left early in week one and didn't show up at all last week. Please do the fucking reading before class and stop interrupting. I don't pay to here you say shit like "It's cause I didn't read the books and stuff so what is that?" THAT is gonna be me slapping the shit out of you, that's what that is.

My head is killing me. Every time she speaks she feels the need to flip her hair over whatever shoulder is bare and it wafts the Stank by Paris Hilton in my direction. We were just talking about suicide and how it is illegal in some states to help someone kill themselves and she got all Catholic on us. "You go to hell if you kill yourself. That's the truth." I brought up Dr. Kevorkian and how he assists terminally ill people and she was like "Well he's going to hell too." The whole class disagreed with her, but shoot if she didn't stick to her guns. I'm all for standing your ground (not a reference to George Zimmerman...that willget a separate blog) but could you at least attempt to sound intelligent? J-No (as she will now be called) just keeps saying that everyone is going to hell. Great argument. Is there a hell that exsists for people who FUCKING STINK?

Semper Fucking Idiot showed up late and every time KiKi Quiver Bone asks him something pertaining to Sun City Police, he stammers an "I don't know" and then pretends to check his phone. He is also wearing a bright red shirt with orange lettering that says 'Marines'. Let's advertise that you were once one and now the shirt fits you like you got it from Baby Gap. I can see a clear definition of his belly button cavern and it must be cold in here because the nipples of his D-cup titties are hard as rocks. He is also wearing hipster black glasses that weren't on his face in week one (he wasn't here last week either) and they do not look prescription. They look like he picked them up at Zumiez along with the skinny jeans he should NOT be wearing. I can just picture the sales clerk wanting to tell him that he shouldn't buy it but deciding the commission on the sale was more important than the view. I can even picture him in his Sun City PD uniform, pot belly hanging over his utility belt, fat thighs rubbing together in his polyester pants, and sweat stains, lots of sweat stains. Maybe a donut, but he looks more like a McDonald's McGriddle kind of guy, mainly because he smells like maple syrup.

My team just presented on a fictitious case made up for our class and we had to explain one of the charges against the defendant. The defendant assaulted a police officer while he was being apprehended by punching the police officer in the face. Under Texas Penal Code, it could be charged as simple assault or aggravated assault. We decided since he was also being charged with murder, kidnapping, and drug charges, we would charge him with aggravated assault. Semper Fucking Idiot was chomping at the fucking bit to contest that. He is a police officer, after all. He said he's been assaulted several, SEVERAL times and it's always been charged as simple assault. I of course replied with "I'm so sorry that you have been assaulted so many times. How unfortunate for you. But, since the defendant is being charged with other heinous crimes, we feel we should charge high. One, because it would stress to the jury the seriousness of the offense and two, we can." He tried to interject but KiKi cut him off.

HOWEVER, his group discussed the kidnapping charge and he stated, very clearly and adamantly that he wouldn't have charged kidnapping, but unlawful restraint and why. Why? Because it was a safer play. J-No and Fat Alberto (in his group) both said they would charge kidnapping instead. So when it came to questions time, I started to ask why they disagreed and Semper Fucking Idiot cut me off and started saying that because he was a cop he knew what the charge would really be and was getting pretty angry. I politely waited for him to finish and said "That wasn't my question. May I please ask the question I intended to ask?" He started to speak again and KiKi said "You aren't a cop in here Semper Fucking Idiot. You need to cool it with all that machismo." I fucking love KiKi Quiver Bone.

He just sat down and is breathing heavily next to me. It sounds like an asthma attack. Except I know it's because he's trying to control his rage. Even Blond Sonya and Juarez Teenager Female were laughing there asses off. They told me "I knew you were ready to just destroy him but then KiKi got him too!" It was amazing and I am delighting in his embarrassment. He's angrily tapping his foot and chewing on his fingernails. I might want to be careful, those hipster glasses make him look like a textbook Clocktower. He is SEETHING right now. Someone brought up DUI's and how a cop wouldn't charge some guy because HE didn't see the guy driving. I said "Well the vehicle in motion helps create probable cause..." and he cuts me off and says "NOT necessarily. If..." to which I cut him off and said "AS I WAS SAYING, vehicle in motion helps create probable cause but obviously the vehicle couldn't have gotten to where it was without it being driven. He should have arrested the drunk guy." Semper Fucking Idiot hit...wait, HIT the table with his fist and said "That's what I was going to say." Um, huh? I was saying it first dude. What? Are you fucking 5? 'I wanted to say it but she said it and that's not fair!' My four-year-old behaves better. This guy is one confrontation away from being on the news for using excessive force. Even KiKi was shocked. She picked her jaw up off the floor and said "Is there some sort of problem Semper Fucking Idiot?" He just mumbled no.

Class ended after that and he jumped up quickly, gathering the...oh wait, he didn't bring anything, and speed walking out of the room. Me and my girls (yeah, BS and JTF) were laughing with each other all the way to the parking lot, where Semper Fucking Idiot was maniacally waiting for his team members. I half expected him to make the international sign for I'm watching you, and he may have, but I giggled with the gals about something or other (nothing to do with him) and headed home. I will admit I took an alternate route in case he was following me. One can never be too careful when you anger a Clocktower.

Hopefully next week he wears his hipster glasses again and I can get a pic. Good night to all and Happy Mother's day to all the hot mommas (ugly ones too) that I know.

I'm Down Like Your Internet Connection

Everyone loves a good conversation with tech support, right? The condescending tone of the so-called expert leaves us all feeling warm and fluffy. At University of Ficticious Bird, it is no different. Tech Support is an unavoidable beast that all must deal with and today, well, today was my turn.

I've called in the past, sure. Everyone has site issues and runtime errors, that's the price you pay for going to a university that does everything online. Today, however, I had one of those epic blond moments. I posted my group essay on Tuesday and without thinking, posted the rough-draft. I only caught it today because I always double-check the day of the assignment to make sure everything posted correctly. So, I make the appropriate changes and re-post the assignment. As I try to remove the incorrect version, I found I was unable to. It was odd because the newest post had a little trashcan next to it and gave me the remove option, but the old one didn't. Well, crud, time to call tech support.

I call the number and after getting through the menu, I am immediately connected to Charles (real name). He asks for my student registration number. I give it to him, taking momentary pauses as the number is long and he tells me, not once, but TWICE to repeat it. I do, with no attitude I might add, and then give him my name when prompted.

Charles: (BIG HEAVY SIGH) What do you need?
Me: Well, I am calling because I cannot remove and assignment I turned in and...
C: (Cutting me off) When is it due?
Me: It's due today, but I posted the incorrect assignment and need to take it down.
C: You can't. Nothing comes down the day its due.
M: Well, I posted the correct one and it says I can take it down. It's due today.
C: Well I can't take it down.
M: I wasn't asking you to take it down, I was asking why I can't. But now that YOU'VE brought it up, why can't you take it down?
C: Because that's our policy.
M: Okay, I can't take it down on the due date and you can't take it down on the due date, then why can I take down the one I just posted.
C: BECAUSE THE OLD ONE WAS POSTED 48 HOURS AGO. I told you that.
M: Actually, you didn't tell me that, but I am so glad you felt the need to yell it at me.
C: I DIDN'T YELL.
M: Well I am so glad I pay for your awful attitude. Thank you for not being of any help to me. Can you transfer me to your supervisor, please?

He hung up on me. No joke. Motha fucka hung up on me. All calls are logged by your student registration number so I will be calling back and handling THAT shit. I may or may not let you know how that goes.

Now I am sitting in class laughing as Fat Alberto gives medical advice to the class. Apparently, when you get sick, it makes you sick. But like real sick. I asked him how long he had to go to medical school to learn that. He said without hesitation "Oh, I didn't go to medical school, but my doctor told me stuff."

Tonight we are discussing criminal defenses. Typhoid Maria interrupted KiKi Quiver Bone to ask "If you're guilty, why do you get a defense? You're guilty." KiKi, after many seconds of deep thought, told her "You are innocent until proven guilty, so you get to defend yourself in court. An arrest does not mean guilty." TM didn't let it go and said "But if the cops are arresting you, you're guilty." KiKi completly ignored her and moved on.

Fat Alberto does not understand what a justification is. Every example KiKi is giving (necessity, self-defense, defense of others, etc.) he tries to offer a counter-example that is not even close. For self-defense, he offered the OJ Simpson case as an example. Necessity, he said "You could kill someone if they took your necessity." KiKi is pretty much ignoring his add-ons, which only prompts him to keep talking.

The super racist girl from the NOT FA and TM's team, we'll call her Racista, just told us a story about her ex-boyfriend, a Sun City police officer, has been stalking her for months, on and off-duty. He's pulled her over and cussed her out, followed her to work and school, threatend her child, and she's talking about it like, for lack of a better word, non-chalantly. No big deal, he's just jealous, whatever. My jaw was on the floor. KiKi was equally as shocked. We were both telling her to go to HQ and talk to internal affairs and she just doesn't get it. She said she told his sergeant who she used to kick it with and he promised he would do something.

Me: Did he?
Racista: Well, he said he would but I still see him everywhere. He pulled me over last week and tried to act like he didn't know me and shit and then he was all 'I'm watching you bitch. I know who you fuck'.
KiKi: Then he didn't do anything or if he did, it didn't help. You need to go to IA.
R: Well like, but he said he'd help.
Me: Well he lied. If it really is as bad as you say, you have a responsibility to yourself and your child, and everyone who might come into contact with him in this city, to report him. That behavior is in no way okay.
R: Yeah, I know but, like...
K: But like nothing. Either it's real and you need to report it or you're a liar. Pick one.

We took lunch right after that. Racista tried to keep talking to me about it but I told her "I'm sorry, I just can't." Also during lunch, I discovered I will be the only student (plus Blond Sonya) who will have Big Time Army for our next class. Don't get me wrong, I delight in knowing that I do not have to see Fat Alberto or Typhoid Maria again. I'm even happy that I won't have to suffer through having A-USA for an instructor again, but to not get to witness Big Time Army destroy these idiots again...well, it makes me sad. My blog will surely suffer as I will have to spend time on HW again and I can't live blog, not to mention that my cannon fodder will have disapated. I have no doubt I'll get another group of magically delinquent classmates, but I have to make up new blog names. Lame.

It's now Sunday and I have yet to post this. I had too much fun watching Thor when I got home on Thursday to finish. And then couldn't Friday because of a yard sale and the The Avengers (GO SEE IT!). Saturday was yard sale part two, soccer, soccer pool party, and then an Awesome People Pool Party. All viable excuses as to why I couldn't be bothered. Sadly, I am not adding anything else to this other than the  above written excuse list. Next week lovelys, next week.