It's my final math class tonight. This should be followed with a "AND I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY!", and don't get me wrong, part of me is. The other parts of me are divided up amongst a few other emotions. Shall I touch on those?
I shall. Let's start with anxiety. I haven't even been in this classroom for more than a few minutes and I have already been inundated with calls and texts. Coca Cola is running late, Shit In My Mouth just now looked at the presentation, Cum On Irene feels she needs to make a few changes to her part and Other Team Member is a few seats away from me hacking her gd brains out. Anxiety covers all of that nicely. CC being late means we can't go first which I had planned on doing so we could leave sooner. I created SIMM's portion specifically for her so she could shine, she needs to score 20/20 on this to get a C. Cum On Irene is a fucking idiot and the only change she should make is to her gd face. And if I get sick again, I will murder Other Team Member. For reals.
Number two on the list is a delicate mix of anger and sadness. I am angry that every week for the past 10 weeks, I have been these people's fucking mother. I'm pretty sure we are all legally adults, but realistically, they're middle schoolers. I realize I'd have had less stress and less hair loss had I just let them crash and burn, but unfortunately, letting them crash and burn would have affected my grade. I don't do not A's. I'm angry that these people succeeded on someone elses coat tails. I am angry that, in all reality, they will continue to be just as lazy and scrape by the rest of their course load on tax payer's dimes. But then the sadness kicks in. Coca Cola can't hook me up with free shit anymore. That's depressing.
Number three is flat out dread. I know this next class is going to be filled with a fresh crop of fucking morons. It will bring three to four new team members that I will have to carry on my already heavy shoulders. It'll bring another instructor that I wow with the most generalized of opinions and gives me an A simply for not being stupid. An instructor that thinks my worst work is the best he/she has ever seen.
I'm not trying to sound conceited, really, that isn't the case. I don't think I'm a super genius, I don't think I'm too cool for school, I merely know that the quality of student AND instructor at University of Mythical Bird is well below par. I realize that in attending UOMB I have chosen to take the easy road to a masters and by doing so, I must suffer through the village idiots that have all congregated here. I also realize that without the staff and students of UOMB, I would have far less blog material. So I guess I'm feeling some gratitude as well.
I've been listening to a lot of John Mayer in the past 24 hours for no apparent reason and during a shuffle all albums session, this song called New Deep came on. The lyrics are really wonderful, all about the pompousness of youth and how over analyzing is ridiculous and how this person has really made a change. The chorus starts out with this statement that "Numb is the new deep" and it got me to thinking "Wow, what a good choice for a blog title". I'm sure you all have caught on that the blog titles are all song titles...if you didn't, just pretend you did.
I'm still not sure how it applies to my night so far. Maybe because I believe (cough cough KNOW) I am far more evolved than anyone else in this class. Maybe it can serve as a reminder that I am not the center of the universe, and that I need to be nicer. I need to change. There is this line where he says "I'm a new man, I wear a new cologne and you wouldn't know me if your eyes were closed." Granted, this song was pre-John Mayer the raging man whore douche bag, but I'm smokin' what he's rollin'. Perhaps I should stop analyzing the fault in others and have a good time.....
Just fucking kidding! Tonight is an especially special night. I did a bad bad thing. I gave myself the easiest part of our presentation. I'm talking title slide, objectives slide, intro and maybe one or two math problems. I also informed my team that they will be receiving ZERO help from me tonight. JJO said they need to be able to do it on their own and it will not effect my grade if they suck, so BAM! Let them eat cake. Or whatever Witty phrase works there.
The first two groups that have presented flat out said before they started that they didn't understand what they're doing and JJO was on that shit. He kept jumping up and saying "Clear as the muddy waters...." and writing frantically with the dying dry-erase marker. As much as this place costs, you'd think we'd get some better markers. Maybe a coffee bar. We did get snazzy desks with outlets built in, so I guess my charger thanks them. I actually think all of the money we pay goes to the AC bill. It's fucking freezing in here, plus everyone is sneezing and coughing. Apparently, no one in this class was taught to cover their damn noses and mouths.
The chick currently presenting is wearing a see through white shirt with an ill-fitting white bra that makes her look like she has inverted nipples. And she's a skinny fat girl, so I am even more disgusted. You know what I'm talking about. She's thin-ish but has creepy bell rolls and has a shirt from the Baby Gap. What's worse is she is wearing a man's xxl hoodie but it isn't zipped and it's hanging off of her shoulders. She needs a high pony tail in a scrunchie to really be able to pull this look off.
We just went on a 30 min break and Coca Cola asked if I wanted anything as he is going to the gas station and I have no desire to walk there, stand in line for our whole break and come back to class and be that jackass that's eating during the presentations. I prefer to be the jackass that is typing hateful things while occasionally saying "Uh huh", "Oh, that makes sense" and "7" without even looking up. Anyway, I said "Yeah, can you get me some coffee or hot chocolate or whatever. something that's hot". He replies "Like those starbucks drinks in the cooler? Or like a burrito?" SERIOUSLY?????? It took everything to not flat out slap the man across the face ala Terrence and Phillip on Brooke Sheilds (I think maybe one of you will get that reference), and after the long pause that should have been followed with a slap, I say "Like, hot coffee in a cup".
We're up next and I am giddy with excitement. I can't wait to present and then kick back and watch the train wreck. I wish I would have brought my knitting stuff. How perfect of a picture did I just paint? Huh? Feet kicked up on a chair, knitting away and chuckling as my team burns in the flames of the wreck. I know, I'm sick.
So they bombed....hard. Coca Cola went first. It was awful. JJO kept asking me to explain and then would say "No, I'm sorry. Coca Cola, please explain" and then when he couldn't, JJO would take over. SIMM did great, but he rushed her because she knew it. Same with me. Then came Cum On Irene. She started by saying "Well, it wasn't on the slide but I thought I would add yada yada yada" HOWEVER, it was on the fucking slide. Right on top. Way to look like a fucking idiot. Then she said "Well, I worked really hard on this but it's just so hard to understand." She didn't work hard on anything. I made the whole goddamn thing. I almost hit an old woman in a hot pink sling. And then Other Team Member didn't even present. At all. She stood there and said "Oh well you just explained it so we're done". I am enraged right now. Fully.
I am going to destroy this bitch. I can't wait until next week's class. I will craft a presentation that makes the rest of us look like good mother fucking Will Hunting and makes her look like Slingblade. It is so on. Would it be wrong to leave her name off of the HW as well? I mean, she doesn't do any of it. I do. I make the team logs that say who does what. Granted, I lie on those logs so they are believable, but I can fix that real quick. Maybe shoulder check her as we walk to the front.
And before I fucking forget, she has a damn bow in her hair. A fucking bow like I would put in the Little Bug's hair. And the bow matches the bows on her shoes and the bow earrings she is wearing. They're all blue to coordinate (allegedly) with her outfit. Problem is, her shirt is a pastel pink disaster and the pants are fuchsia. It isn't color blocking, it's color raping.
JJO is talking over the final group now, I'm sure he's trying to explain something important about next week, but I could care less. I'm trying to figure out how to cut a bitch without anyone knowing I cut a bitch.
WAIT! It gets better. I came out to my car to find a note on my door that said "Text Me Plz. Brandon" with his number. So I think, shit, maybe he hit my car or some shit. Nope it was the campus security guard and he said he's trying to meet new people. WTF???? Not just inappropriate, I'm creeped the hell out. Sooooo reporting that tomorrow.
I'm still not sure how it applies to my night so far. Maybe because I believe (cough cough KNOW) I am far more evolved than anyone else in this class. Maybe it can serve as a reminder that I am not the center of the universe, and that I need to be nicer. I need to change. There is this line where he says "I'm a new man, I wear a new cologne and you wouldn't know me if your eyes were closed." Granted, this song was pre-John Mayer the raging man whore douche bag, but I'm smokin' what he's rollin'. Perhaps I should stop analyzing the fault in others and have a good time.....
Just fucking kidding! Tonight is an especially special night. I did a bad bad thing. I gave myself the easiest part of our presentation. I'm talking title slide, objectives slide, intro and maybe one or two math problems. I also informed my team that they will be receiving ZERO help from me tonight. JJO said they need to be able to do it on their own and it will not effect my grade if they suck, so BAM! Let them eat cake. Or whatever Witty phrase works there.
The first two groups that have presented flat out said before they started that they didn't understand what they're doing and JJO was on that shit. He kept jumping up and saying "Clear as the muddy waters...." and writing frantically with the dying dry-erase marker. As much as this place costs, you'd think we'd get some better markers. Maybe a coffee bar. We did get snazzy desks with outlets built in, so I guess my charger thanks them. I actually think all of the money we pay goes to the AC bill. It's fucking freezing in here, plus everyone is sneezing and coughing. Apparently, no one in this class was taught to cover their damn noses and mouths.
The chick currently presenting is wearing a see through white shirt with an ill-fitting white bra that makes her look like she has inverted nipples. And she's a skinny fat girl, so I am even more disgusted. You know what I'm talking about. She's thin-ish but has creepy bell rolls and has a shirt from the Baby Gap. What's worse is she is wearing a man's xxl hoodie but it isn't zipped and it's hanging off of her shoulders. She needs a high pony tail in a scrunchie to really be able to pull this look off.
We just went on a 30 min break and Coca Cola asked if I wanted anything as he is going to the gas station and I have no desire to walk there, stand in line for our whole break and come back to class and be that jackass that's eating during the presentations. I prefer to be the jackass that is typing hateful things while occasionally saying "Uh huh", "Oh, that makes sense" and "7" without even looking up. Anyway, I said "Yeah, can you get me some coffee or hot chocolate or whatever. something that's hot". He replies "Like those starbucks drinks in the cooler? Or like a burrito?" SERIOUSLY?????? It took everything to not flat out slap the man across the face ala Terrence and Phillip on Brooke Sheilds (I think maybe one of you will get that reference), and after the long pause that should have been followed with a slap, I say "Like, hot coffee in a cup".
We're up next and I am giddy with excitement. I can't wait to present and then kick back and watch the train wreck. I wish I would have brought my knitting stuff. How perfect of a picture did I just paint? Huh? Feet kicked up on a chair, knitting away and chuckling as my team burns in the flames of the wreck. I know, I'm sick.
So they bombed....hard. Coca Cola went first. It was awful. JJO kept asking me to explain and then would say "No, I'm sorry. Coca Cola, please explain" and then when he couldn't, JJO would take over. SIMM did great, but he rushed her because she knew it. Same with me. Then came Cum On Irene. She started by saying "Well, it wasn't on the slide but I thought I would add yada yada yada" HOWEVER, it was on the fucking slide. Right on top. Way to look like a fucking idiot. Then she said "Well, I worked really hard on this but it's just so hard to understand." She didn't work hard on anything. I made the whole goddamn thing. I almost hit an old woman in a hot pink sling. And then Other Team Member didn't even present. At all. She stood there and said "Oh well you just explained it so we're done". I am enraged right now. Fully.
I am going to destroy this bitch. I can't wait until next week's class. I will craft a presentation that makes the rest of us look like good mother fucking Will Hunting and makes her look like Slingblade. It is so on. Would it be wrong to leave her name off of the HW as well? I mean, she doesn't do any of it. I do. I make the team logs that say who does what. Granted, I lie on those logs so they are believable, but I can fix that real quick. Maybe shoulder check her as we walk to the front.
And before I fucking forget, she has a damn bow in her hair. A fucking bow like I would put in the Little Bug's hair. And the bow matches the bows on her shoes and the bow earrings she is wearing. They're all blue to coordinate (allegedly) with her outfit. Problem is, her shirt is a pastel pink disaster and the pants are fuchsia. It isn't color blocking, it's color raping.
JJO is talking over the final group now, I'm sure he's trying to explain something important about next week, but I could care less. I'm trying to figure out how to cut a bitch without anyone knowing I cut a bitch.
WAIT! It gets better. I came out to my car to find a note on my door that said "Text Me Plz. Brandon" with his number. So I think, shit, maybe he hit my car or some shit. Nope it was the campus security guard and he said he's trying to meet new people. WTF???? Not just inappropriate, I'm creeped the hell out. Sooooo reporting that tomorrow.
I'm having one of those days. Not one THOSE days, the kind where everything is just off, but one of those days where everything is going smooth and then BAM! Someone comes along and fucks it up. Today, that person is, no shocker here, a team member. Actually, two of them. Cum On Irene and the other new one. She doesn't have a name yet. Maybe I'll think of one mid rant.
First, Cum On Irene. She had shoulder surgery this week, and even though I thought she would be missing class, she said she'll be here. Well, she is, with bells on. She's rocking a hot pink sling and matching lipstick on her face....not lips, face. I'm pretty sure she is hopped the fuck up on pain killers. She tells me, as I'm walking in, "Well I told you I'd be here girl! But I gadda tellllllllll you that I jus look at this thing we're doing right this second annnnnnnd I know I'll'll be okay because I'm jus good with numberses." No exaggeration on my part. She added "I means if youuuuuu can read the books then you can get this stuff, it's like history."
No, it's like math. And I think you may be too damn high to read books, but we only have one book. We haven't presented yet, but I gave her the title slide, the objectives slide and a basic introduction. There is actually barely any math at all in her beginning portion. I have no idea what the fuck she thinks she's presenting on.
On to Other Group Member. She texted me today to tell me her daughter was sick, they were at the pediatrician, and she wasn't sure if she was going to make it. I said that I hope her daughter feels better and just to let me know, if she couldn't, I would do her part. No biggie, I made the fucking presentation without anyone's help, I can present it too. The she texts me about an hour and a half before class and says "I can't get a sitter and my husband won't watch her" naturally sparking a WTF moment. I text back and ask why he won't watch his daughter so his wife can go to school and she replies "It's cause he doesn't want to get sick." So it's okay that she does? Of course I am pissed now and text her back "You do know that if you don't come tonight, you don't get any credit at all for the presentation?" to which she replies "Yeah, but he has plans this weekend and doesn't want to get sick."
Seriously???? He doesn't want to take care of his child because he has plans this weekend? You are going to lose 15% of your grade (that's how much tonight is worth) to take care of a sick child that he selfishly doesn't want to watch? I told Shit In My Mouth and Coca Cola why she wasn't going to be here, complete with the husband part, and they didn't even react. Like, it's normal that a man not take care of his child. Like that's just acceptable. Fuck that.
To top that all off, while we were waiting for the first group to get here, I ran to the student lab to print out a hard copy of our homework and I run into African Army. I tried to ignore his racist ass, but he said "What? You dont rememba me? Hahahaha". I replied "I don't associate with blatant racists." He looked shocked and pissed but I could honestly give a fuck. I was just hoping he was deployed or got kicked out or dead so I wouldn't get stuck with him in another class.
Oh wait, another what the fuck moment. We just finished our presentation. I presented Cum On Irene's part. She just stood there and kept saying "As you can see on the slide..." and I ended up having to present it and do all the examples. Then I had to save Coca Cola's ass because he still can't say x squared or cubed or to the anything power. Then I knocked out Other Team Member's part and by the time we got to SIMM's part, J-JO rushed her through it and then my part, he stops me and says "You're going again?" I said "yes sir, I did Other Team Member's part and now we're on to mine" to which he said "At least I know you get it". I'd be flattered if it wasn't so sad that no one else in the group or the class gets any of this.
Normally, this would be the point in the night where I knock out next week's presentation and HW and then gloat int he fact I get to do nothing school wise for the next week, but my brain is fried. It's bad enough I do all the work for the group, but having to do the one thing that is required of them is really pissing me off. JJO pulled me aside during our lunch break and said that he see's who does what and that their grades will reflect that. I just smiled and nodded but it was very nice to hear him say that. I already knew that, but I like that he reminds me every week. It almost makes all this group learning shit easier to deal with.
Mommy Night Out tomorrow with two of my favorite ladies....if we don't get too crazy, I may blog about it. Night all.
First, Cum On Irene. She had shoulder surgery this week, and even though I thought she would be missing class, she said she'll be here. Well, she is, with bells on. She's rocking a hot pink sling and matching lipstick on her face....not lips, face. I'm pretty sure she is hopped the fuck up on pain killers. She tells me, as I'm walking in, "Well I told you I'd be here girl! But I gadda tellllllllll you that I jus look at this thing we're doing right this second annnnnnnd I know I'll'll be okay because I'm jus good with numberses." No exaggeration on my part. She added "I means if youuuuuu can read the books then you can get this stuff, it's like history."
No, it's like math. And I think you may be too damn high to read books, but we only have one book. We haven't presented yet, but I gave her the title slide, the objectives slide and a basic introduction. There is actually barely any math at all in her beginning portion. I have no idea what the fuck she thinks she's presenting on.
On to Other Group Member. She texted me today to tell me her daughter was sick, they were at the pediatrician, and she wasn't sure if she was going to make it. I said that I hope her daughter feels better and just to let me know, if she couldn't, I would do her part. No biggie, I made the fucking presentation without anyone's help, I can present it too. The she texts me about an hour and a half before class and says "I can't get a sitter and my husband won't watch her" naturally sparking a WTF moment. I text back and ask why he won't watch his daughter so his wife can go to school and she replies "It's cause he doesn't want to get sick." So it's okay that she does? Of course I am pissed now and text her back "You do know that if you don't come tonight, you don't get any credit at all for the presentation?" to which she replies "Yeah, but he has plans this weekend and doesn't want to get sick."
Seriously???? He doesn't want to take care of his child because he has plans this weekend? You are going to lose 15% of your grade (that's how much tonight is worth) to take care of a sick child that he selfishly doesn't want to watch? I told Shit In My Mouth and Coca Cola why she wasn't going to be here, complete with the husband part, and they didn't even react. Like, it's normal that a man not take care of his child. Like that's just acceptable. Fuck that.
To top that all off, while we were waiting for the first group to get here, I ran to the student lab to print out a hard copy of our homework and I run into African Army. I tried to ignore his racist ass, but he said "What? You dont rememba me? Hahahaha". I replied "I don't associate with blatant racists." He looked shocked and pissed but I could honestly give a fuck. I was just hoping he was deployed or got kicked out or dead so I wouldn't get stuck with him in another class.
Oh wait, another what the fuck moment. We just finished our presentation. I presented Cum On Irene's part. She just stood there and kept saying "As you can see on the slide..." and I ended up having to present it and do all the examples. Then I had to save Coca Cola's ass because he still can't say x squared or cubed or to the anything power. Then I knocked out Other Team Member's part and by the time we got to SIMM's part, J-JO rushed her through it and then my part, he stops me and says "You're going again?" I said "yes sir, I did Other Team Member's part and now we're on to mine" to which he said "At least I know you get it". I'd be flattered if it wasn't so sad that no one else in the group or the class gets any of this.
Normally, this would be the point in the night where I knock out next week's presentation and HW and then gloat int he fact I get to do nothing school wise for the next week, but my brain is fried. It's bad enough I do all the work for the group, but having to do the one thing that is required of them is really pissing me off. JJO pulled me aside during our lunch break and said that he see's who does what and that their grades will reflect that. I just smiled and nodded but it was very nice to hear him say that. I already knew that, but I like that he reminds me every week. It almost makes all this group learning shit easier to deal with.
Mommy Night Out tomorrow with two of my favorite ladies....if we don't get too crazy, I may blog about it. Night all.
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