I shall start off this blog by making a very special announcement:
The world champion Greenbay Packers beat "dem Saints" 42 to 34! Absolutely FABULOUS way to start off another championship season! GO PACK GO!
Alright. I had my Cheesehead moment for the week.
Where to begin with class? My brain is like mush right now. I spent 3 hours of class working on my final test in the math lab. It isn't due until next week, but it's not like I actually listen to the other groups presentations. I know, shock, I chose a test over Farmville and the Sims.
My group presented first. Let me re-phrase that. I presented first. The Deputy, who I gave the easier, first section, couldn't pronounce the word function. He kept saying "Fuckton". He had three slides and function only appeared three times, yet he managed to say "Fuckton" like forty times. Thank GOD he won't be here next week. Every presentation I've made, I've given him the easiest part. It's usually the intro and it's ALWAYS step by step, laid out so simply that a preschooler could understand it. But EVERY TIME he feels the need to ad-lib, to put in his UN-needed and never correct two-cents. Today, it was trying to explain "Fucktons" and "bases and expinents" (exponents).
So after interrupting him SEVERAL times to save the group score, Coca Cola starts his portion. Not only does he not know that comma's mean there is a pause, he also thinks that x to the 3rd power is X3. J-JO corrected him every single time he talked about powers, which was every other word as his potion was about powers. Afterward, he told me "It's cause I didn't look at it until today and it was really hard to understand cause it's like, complicated with the math and stuff". That's a direct quote, I wrote it down as he was speaking, realizing it was blog gold. I was not aware that math is hard to understand and complicated until Coca Cola pointed it out to me. And I had that shit to them on Monday, how did he just look at it today? Oh, I know why, because he, like the rest of my team, is a lazy mother fucking idiot.
Shit In My Mouth was next. She informed me while Coca Cola was presenting that she never got the presentation email so she needed to know what part was hers. I told her I sent it on Monday, twice actually (accidents happen) and even showed her my outbox from my phone to prove it. She opened up her mail app and said "Oh, I guess I just missed it." So let me get this shit straight, I tell you I will have the presentation sent to you by Monday and you don't think to text, call or email me asking where it is. You don't check your email thoroughly? You wait until class has started to see what you're supposed to present on????? So she tries to explain Monomials and Polynomials but keeps saying MOMIALS and POLLYS. About thirty seconds in, I cut her off and handle that shit. She kept saying "Yeah, that's right" and "Exactly". No bitch, stop talking. I could have said "Shit In My Mouth is the most retarded woman alive" and she would have said "Yeah that's right" and "Exactly".
My portion went by without the slightest of hiccup. J-JO seemed relieved that he didn't have to interrupt or correct me. And that I could say "Function", "Whatever to the whatever power", "Monomial" and "Polynomial".
I literally spent the next three hours on this test. It was a bitch. You only get one shot and there is ZERO help. I had the textbook open in one window (do Macs have windows???), google in one tab, and this math solver website in another and I still got an 80%. It'll all still average out to an A, but if me, the only person with 100% (or even an A for that matter) in the class can barely get an 80%, the rest of them are fucked. My team members kept trying to ask me questions about next weeks assignment and I had to explain to them a million times that I was doing next week's test, that once you start it it can't be stopped, and that I would get the assignment done by Tuesday. They almost got murdered. When I finished, the looks on their faces were priceless. The Deputy asked if it was hard and I said "Well, I worked non-stop for three hours with every resource I could find and I got an 80%". He replied with "Shit, we're fucked". I wanted to say "Why? Because you mooch off of my brain and still have yet to figure out that Google can do 60% of the work for you? Because fucktons are complicated?", but I just said "Well, you'll do your best." And by best, I mean that he'll get a D overall.
To top it all off, I come home to a fully Fall/Halloween decorated house, complete with motion-activated skeletons and a bat that scared the living shit out of me as I tried to open the front door. Mi Madre and Hubby did an excellent job, even if it is a month too soon for Halloween (but the fall section is very timely), but I was not warned in advance of the crazy bat by the front door and I almost had a heart attack. And my Little Bug was so tuckered out from all the decorating excitement (and the fact that she conned me out of a nap again) that she passed out before I got home. I snuck in her room and gave her a kiss on the forehead and said "I love you the best" (I tell her every night) and her little hand came up and pushed my face away. Great. Even asleep, she's a diva.
Came downstairs and watched Suits with Hubby and while it was another phenominal episode, I got all bummed when I realized it wouldn't be back until next summer. My Thursday's just won't be the same without Harvey and Mike. I mean sure, I'll soon have Grey's Anatomy, but they jumped the shark a few seasons back, I only watch now out of obligation.
Tomorrow will be a fun filled morning of crafting hand-made invitations to the Halloween party Mi Madre is insisting we have and maybe a Walmart run. I'm pretty sure there is something we'll need and Target is just not worth the drive. On the upside, the weather was glorious today in the West Texas town of El Paso and I look forward to a second day of wearing my awesome Gabor riding boots.
Until next time....which may be sooner than usual, depending on how tomorrow's attempt at being Martha Stewart goes.
Back in the saddle again. I am fully aware that I did not blog last week's class, or anything at all for that matter. I think the two blogs from two weeks ago should count for being to lazy/annoyed/pre-menstral this past week. Anyway, I will not promise comedic gold this time around, but I have a feeling that any of you that are like me will chuckle as you read.
"Are we clear?" Jaime James Olmos says outloud as he explains graphing linear equations. Some head nodding and vacant stares from the rest of the class (not me of course...I can actively participate and ignore at the same time) promt him to answer "Like the muddy waters of the Rio Grande". Kinda funny right? Wrong. He asks "Are we clear?" about every thirty to forty five-seconds, meaning he says "Like the muddy waters of the Rio Grande" every thirty to forty-five seconds. And every single time he gets courtesey laughs, which only encourage him to keep saying it. Seriusly people, it isn't funny anymore. Stop laughing. Besides, he's making fun of all of you and you're too fucking stupid to get that.
Oh, check this, Shit In My Mouth didn't show. Not only did she not show, she didn't tell any of us and now I have to present her portion of our presentation. Well, I don't have to, but realistically, I am the only one that can. I created the presentation, assigned slides to each member, and am the only one in the group that ACTUALLY understands any of this shit. The Deputy offered to help, but as soon as I said that I could do it, he said "Oh, that's good cause I was just offering to be nice".
The Deputy informed me that he has an 80%. I asked him why and he said "Oh it's cause I didn't think he'd check the answers. I don't got time to double check". Jaime James Olmos overheard this and informed everyone that I am also the only person in the ENTIRE CLASS that has 100%. Apparently, they do not realize that when doing your individual assignment in the online math lab, you can keep doing the problem until it is correct. There is no limit on the amount of times you can try. There are also these nifty little tools that walk you through the problem step by step, thus making getting the problem wrong next to impossible. Well, impossible if you are not a member of this class.
Oh, it's two hours and 11 min into class and the first group is finally done with their presentation. Jaime James Olmos feels the need to interject every other word. "Let me just add that..." is almost heard as frequently as "Like the muddy waters of the Rio Grande". I really shouldn't complain, the longer everyone else takes, the longer I have to tend to Farmville and my Sims, but he is an awful teacher. He got rid of the tests and quizes in our course and replaced them with group presentations. He said it was so we can all learn from each other. No, it's so you don't have to come up with a lesson plan. And I'm not learning shit from anyone. I'm learning it from my book and from what I remember from Mr. Kleinert, my freshman year math teacher. And from Google. Their calculator feature is amazing.
Team B is now presenting and only one team member showed. This really ghetto black woman, we'll call her Shanaynay, who is constantly saying things like "Why you be confusing me dawg?", "This shit be makin my head hurt", and my personal favorite "Naw dawg, that ain't right" when it ALWAYS is. She has no idea what's going on, ever, and she just did a problem on the board that caused me and a very fat white boy, The Blob, and this blonde haired mexican BITCH, we'll call her Fressa, to get into it. They both came up with the WRONG answer after they frantically scribbled on their paper. I, just by looking at the problem said "It's -1/2" and then contiued on with my farm. The Blob says "No it's not, it's 5". Fressa chimes in with "Yeah it's five, you don't always know" in that whine only hispanic bitches can master. I stifle a laugh and say "Really? How did you get to 5?" (BTW, the answer has to be a fraction, the rise over run to determine slope). The Blob says "It's cause I did the math" and Fressa adds "Yeah, we did the math." Jaime James Olmos says "No, you didn't do the math. She did the math, you two did some shrooms before class. Mrs. Golden, can you please come up here and explain your answer?"
So I begrudgingly walk up to the front, write out the problem and solve it and before I can explain how I got it, Shanaynay says "Naw Dawg that ain't right", The Blob says "Nuh uh" and Fressa chimes in with "You're still wrong". Jaime James Olmos throws both hands in the air and says "I can't teach you people nothing" to which I respond "Anything". Yeah, right over his head. J-Jo went on to re-explain the problem showing them I was correct but Fressa, The Blob and Shanaynay are all giving me dirty looks. Shanaynay is sitting directly infront of me and has to do a 180 degree turn to look at me hard, but she's still doing it. I just smile politely and keep farming.
It's now 9pm and we have three more presentations to get through in an hour. Team C is up, Fressa is a member. Their Powerpoint presentation (btw my group was the only one to have a pp last week) looks exactly like I made it....if I was drunk and typing. How do you take a screen grab and not edit it to fit your slide? Half of the screen grab from the text book is missing and the text they added is spelled wrong. If you're going to try and copy my swagger, you need to step up your game Fressa. Just kidding, I know she didn't make it. She mispelled her own name on her name card. J-Jo asked her if it was really how she spelled her name, and she looked at it for a good two min before saying "Oh, I added a g" and giggled. Her name is Rosalba. How do you mistakingly add a "g" to your own name? I'd maybe understand if you were typing, mispelled words happen all the time when typing, but WRITING IT????
9:21 pm and they still aren't done with the second section out of four. That gives Team D and our team (E for EXCELLENT ESCALANTE's) less than 20 min each for our presentations. Judging by how retarded The Blob rest of Team D are, I am willing to bet good money that my group will not be presenting. He never interupts us anyway. He only interupts if the group is wrong. I know I sound like a cocky bitch, but I really am that damn good. Okay, maybe not that damn good, but the rest of the class is that damn bad.
Crap. 9:28 and he wants us to combine the last two groups. He asked if it was possible and I so desperately wanted to say "You can't add perfume to shit and make it not be shit" (us being the perfume of course).
Okay, so we knocked out our presentation without Team D assistance and J-JO said "Once again, the only group that got it right".
So I'm home now. Gave the Little Bug a bath and recounted most of the night to the Hubby. Only two more classes, followed by five of the next math class. I'll be heartbroken if I get smart people in the next class. Keep an eye out for a new blog Sunday night, as I will be attending the Annual Hill's Have Eyes Festival in Hatch, NM. Okay, it's the Hatch Chile Festival, but I'm pretty sure that movie was inspired and filmed in Hatch, NM.
"Are we clear?" Jaime James Olmos says outloud as he explains graphing linear equations. Some head nodding and vacant stares from the rest of the class (not me of course...I can actively participate and ignore at the same time) promt him to answer "Like the muddy waters of the Rio Grande". Kinda funny right? Wrong. He asks "Are we clear?" about every thirty to forty five-seconds, meaning he says "Like the muddy waters of the Rio Grande" every thirty to forty-five seconds. And every single time he gets courtesey laughs, which only encourage him to keep saying it. Seriusly people, it isn't funny anymore. Stop laughing. Besides, he's making fun of all of you and you're too fucking stupid to get that.
Oh, check this, Shit In My Mouth didn't show. Not only did she not show, she didn't tell any of us and now I have to present her portion of our presentation. Well, I don't have to, but realistically, I am the only one that can. I created the presentation, assigned slides to each member, and am the only one in the group that ACTUALLY understands any of this shit. The Deputy offered to help, but as soon as I said that I could do it, he said "Oh, that's good cause I was just offering to be nice".
The Deputy informed me that he has an 80%. I asked him why and he said "Oh it's cause I didn't think he'd check the answers. I don't got time to double check". Jaime James Olmos overheard this and informed everyone that I am also the only person in the ENTIRE CLASS that has 100%. Apparently, they do not realize that when doing your individual assignment in the online math lab, you can keep doing the problem until it is correct. There is no limit on the amount of times you can try. There are also these nifty little tools that walk you through the problem step by step, thus making getting the problem wrong next to impossible. Well, impossible if you are not a member of this class.
Oh, it's two hours and 11 min into class and the first group is finally done with their presentation. Jaime James Olmos feels the need to interject every other word. "Let me just add that..." is almost heard as frequently as "Like the muddy waters of the Rio Grande". I really shouldn't complain, the longer everyone else takes, the longer I have to tend to Farmville and my Sims, but he is an awful teacher. He got rid of the tests and quizes in our course and replaced them with group presentations. He said it was so we can all learn from each other. No, it's so you don't have to come up with a lesson plan. And I'm not learning shit from anyone. I'm learning it from my book and from what I remember from Mr. Kleinert, my freshman year math teacher. And from Google. Their calculator feature is amazing.
Team B is now presenting and only one team member showed. This really ghetto black woman, we'll call her Shanaynay, who is constantly saying things like "Why you be confusing me dawg?", "This shit be makin my head hurt", and my personal favorite "Naw dawg, that ain't right" when it ALWAYS is. She has no idea what's going on, ever, and she just did a problem on the board that caused me and a very fat white boy, The Blob, and this blonde haired mexican BITCH, we'll call her Fressa, to get into it. They both came up with the WRONG answer after they frantically scribbled on their paper. I, just by looking at the problem said "It's -1/2" and then contiued on with my farm. The Blob says "No it's not, it's 5". Fressa chimes in with "Yeah it's five, you don't always know" in that whine only hispanic bitches can master. I stifle a laugh and say "Really? How did you get to 5?" (BTW, the answer has to be a fraction, the rise over run to determine slope). The Blob says "It's cause I did the math" and Fressa adds "Yeah, we did the math." Jaime James Olmos says "No, you didn't do the math. She did the math, you two did some shrooms before class. Mrs. Golden, can you please come up here and explain your answer?"
So I begrudgingly walk up to the front, write out the problem and solve it and before I can explain how I got it, Shanaynay says "Naw Dawg that ain't right", The Blob says "Nuh uh" and Fressa chimes in with "You're still wrong". Jaime James Olmos throws both hands in the air and says "I can't teach you people nothing" to which I respond "Anything". Yeah, right over his head. J-Jo went on to re-explain the problem showing them I was correct but Fressa, The Blob and Shanaynay are all giving me dirty looks. Shanaynay is sitting directly infront of me and has to do a 180 degree turn to look at me hard, but she's still doing it. I just smile politely and keep farming.
It's now 9pm and we have three more presentations to get through in an hour. Team C is up, Fressa is a member. Their Powerpoint presentation (btw my group was the only one to have a pp last week) looks exactly like I made it....if I was drunk and typing. How do you take a screen grab and not edit it to fit your slide? Half of the screen grab from the text book is missing and the text they added is spelled wrong. If you're going to try and copy my swagger, you need to step up your game Fressa. Just kidding, I know she didn't make it. She mispelled her own name on her name card. J-Jo asked her if it was really how she spelled her name, and she looked at it for a good two min before saying "Oh, I added a g" and giggled. Her name is Rosalba. How do you mistakingly add a "g" to your own name? I'd maybe understand if you were typing, mispelled words happen all the time when typing, but WRITING IT????
9:21 pm and they still aren't done with the second section out of four. That gives Team D and our team (E for EXCELLENT ESCALANTE's) less than 20 min each for our presentations. Judging by how retarded The Blob rest of Team D are, I am willing to bet good money that my group will not be presenting. He never interupts us anyway. He only interupts if the group is wrong. I know I sound like a cocky bitch, but I really am that damn good. Okay, maybe not that damn good, but the rest of the class is that damn bad.
Crap. 9:28 and he wants us to combine the last two groups. He asked if it was possible and I so desperately wanted to say "You can't add perfume to shit and make it not be shit" (us being the perfume of course).
Okay, so we knocked out our presentation without Team D assistance and J-JO said "Once again, the only group that got it right".
So I'm home now. Gave the Little Bug a bath and recounted most of the night to the Hubby. Only two more classes, followed by five of the next math class. I'll be heartbroken if I get smart people in the next class. Keep an eye out for a new blog Sunday night, as I will be attending the Annual Hill's Have Eyes Festival in Hatch, NM. Okay, it's the Hatch Chile Festival, but I'm pretty sure that movie was inspired and filmed in Hatch, NM.
I was supposed to do this yesterday, but *insert really good reason why I didn't here*. Now that we have that cleared up, I'll give you what you've been desperately waiting for (at least I'd like to think you have been).
The Deputy is a middle-aged, heavy-set, Hispanic male who has been a deputy sheriff for the next county over for five years. Before that (and trust me, this is his only saving grace), he was a deputy sheriff for Maricopa County. If you don't know why that is awesome, I'm going to ask you to choke yourself right now. He is divorced with a daughter and son who he seems to be very proud of. He is a republican (okay, that's a plus too) and is a criminal justice major like me.
Now to the shit you came here to read. Have you ever met that guy that tells a pretty lame joke and no one really laughs, but he tells it about 15 more times within the next hour hoping for more laughs? Yeah, that's the Deputy. He will also ask the same question over and over until he gets an answer that he likes or makes sense to him. He kept asking how we were going to post our group work on the website and I said to him that I would be the one posting it. He then asked how I was going to post it. I again said that I would be the one to post it. Again, he said how. Third time wasn't the charm, it was my snapping point and I responded "I will post our group work to the website. You will send it to me when you are done, I will compile and double check the math, and then, once all of that is done, I will save it in a word document and upload it to phoenix.edu with my computer." Apparently, the sarcasm went right over his head and he said "Oh, okay, sounds good." He didn't have his homework finished either, and he kept answering Jaime James Olmos' questions loudly and proudly...except he was wrong every time.
Coca-Cola isn't too bad. He is also middle-aged and Hispanic, but in relatively good shape. He is another criminal justice major, and he uses math everyday at work (according to him). He is almost finished with his degree, just a few basics left to knock out so I am relatively confident he will be a good team member. I seriously doubt that this close to the finish line he would trip.
Now, the female medical biller, or as I will now be calling her, Shit In My Mouth. She's in her mid-twenties, has a kid and a fiance, works as medical biller for a pediatrician, will be moving to Austin soon, average looking Hispanic....anything else? Oh yeah, her breath smells like someone opened up her mouth and took a nice, hearty shit. I even offered everyone gum, a really strong one too, and it was still horrendous. My dog's asshole smells better, I'm sure.
Oh, and she's one of those "power of positive thinking people". She is constantly telling herself things like "I can do this", "I am a good leader", "I am in control of my situation" and what not. She even said in a somewhat shaky voice "I will be the one to do our Team Charter and the learning logs. I need to be a leader. I can do this". Seriously? Bitch, if you wanted to be a leader, I wouldn't be doing all the ACTUAL work for the group.
I really do welcome the break from all the crazies from my previous classes, but this class is going to do a number of things. 1)Provide ample blog material. 2)Induce vomitting from the smell. And 3)Add to the growing list of reasons I should have chosen a different school.
The Deputy is a middle-aged, heavy-set, Hispanic male who has been a deputy sheriff for the next county over for five years. Before that (and trust me, this is his only saving grace), he was a deputy sheriff for Maricopa County. If you don't know why that is awesome, I'm going to ask you to choke yourself right now. He is divorced with a daughter and son who he seems to be very proud of. He is a republican (okay, that's a plus too) and is a criminal justice major like me.
Now to the shit you came here to read. Have you ever met that guy that tells a pretty lame joke and no one really laughs, but he tells it about 15 more times within the next hour hoping for more laughs? Yeah, that's the Deputy. He will also ask the same question over and over until he gets an answer that he likes or makes sense to him. He kept asking how we were going to post our group work on the website and I said to him that I would be the one posting it. He then asked how I was going to post it. I again said that I would be the one to post it. Again, he said how. Third time wasn't the charm, it was my snapping point and I responded "I will post our group work to the website. You will send it to me when you are done, I will compile and double check the math, and then, once all of that is done, I will save it in a word document and upload it to phoenix.edu with my computer." Apparently, the sarcasm went right over his head and he said "Oh, okay, sounds good." He didn't have his homework finished either, and he kept answering Jaime James Olmos' questions loudly and proudly...except he was wrong every time.
Coca-Cola isn't too bad. He is also middle-aged and Hispanic, but in relatively good shape. He is another criminal justice major, and he uses math everyday at work (according to him). He is almost finished with his degree, just a few basics left to knock out so I am relatively confident he will be a good team member. I seriously doubt that this close to the finish line he would trip.
Now, the female medical biller, or as I will now be calling her, Shit In My Mouth. She's in her mid-twenties, has a kid and a fiance, works as medical biller for a pediatrician, will be moving to Austin soon, average looking Hispanic....anything else? Oh yeah, her breath smells like someone opened up her mouth and took a nice, hearty shit. I even offered everyone gum, a really strong one too, and it was still horrendous. My dog's asshole smells better, I'm sure.
Oh, and she's one of those "power of positive thinking people". She is constantly telling herself things like "I can do this", "I am a good leader", "I am in control of my situation" and what not. She even said in a somewhat shaky voice "I will be the one to do our Team Charter and the learning logs. I need to be a leader. I can do this". Seriously? Bitch, if you wanted to be a leader, I wouldn't be doing all the ACTUAL work for the group.
I really do welcome the break from all the crazies from my previous classes, but this class is going to do a number of things. 1)Provide ample blog material. 2)Induce vomitting from the smell. And 3)Add to the growing list of reasons I should have chosen a different school.
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