Love Me Like You Do

I've been working on this blog (in my brain) for a while now. Frankly, it was partially written (in my brain) as soon as I heard there would be a film (loosely used term) adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey. I had a few potential post titles stemming from You Give Love a Bad Name, Your Own Disaster, Miserable at Best, to Smack My Bitch Up, my personal favorite. But that was back before the outrage from the religious right filled up my FB newsfeed, demanding that no one see this movie (or read the books) or else they would be doomed to eternal hellfire and damnation. And before there was a bomb ass movie soundtrack to utilize.

I originally set out to humorously provide my commentary on the whole Grey craze. I HAVE read the books and am going to hell, but I have yet to see the film (again, loosely used term). I'm not against spending $6.50 on a matinee showing of a terribly written and (I've heard) acted portrayal of what even the most extreme BDSM participants say is a shit representation of what they do. I paid money to see Jack and Jill, so I trust me when I say I am no film snob. If anything, I would see it JUST to tear it apart. But to see it with a bunch of horny, salivating women who have built this up in their heads to be the greatest love story of all time and have dildos waiting in the wings? Naw man, I'm good. I'll wait for home release (hahahahaha ewww) to view it. That's right, I said I WILL watch it, but I already acknowledged that I am condemned to hell so what's one more sin right?

If you have not read the books, you are missing nothing. Anastasia Steele is a mousy virgin who meets a billionaire control freak named Christian Grey. He takes her virginity, though this is a terrible term. She gave it to him. She wanted it and said yeah let's do this so he TOOK nothing. Anyway, after he deflowers the poor girl, he introduces her to his red room of pain and BDSM. He has a traumatic past and that's how he gets off. In the beginning, he has all the control and somehow she changes him (after three terrible books) into a man who DOES do romance and DOES love her and relinquishes control to her. Your classic girl thinks she can change the boy and does tale. Like Beauty and the Beast with whips...and ben wa balls...and butt plugs. It is not vanilla sex by any means and not for everyone to digest. I will admit I had just finished reading Infinite Jest, a book that I am told I am supposed to brag about reading by anyone who has ever read it, and needed a mindless escape. Why not pick up an easy to read series that was once Twilight fan fiction, I thought. Plus, I have a Kindle so I figured I wouldn't be embarrassed by it as no one would know what I was reading.

Yes, I was ashamed to be reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Not because I found it sinful, but because it is a modern day Harlequin romance novel but Fabio has been replaced with a leather clad man with a ball gag. Sorry, that's not fair, Mr. Grey wears worn jeans in the red room of pain. But you see my point, I'm sure. Sex...good, bad, or with accessories...is still a personal thing. I may chat with my girlfriends about sex but I don't want a stranger knowing that I am reading all about the removal of a tampon to get it on (yes that happens). How would they know you ask? I was late boarding the Mr. Grey train and everyone knew about what kind of books they were. Plus, did I mention I had just finished Infinite Jest and while I am not a film snob, I consider myself well-read and didn't want people to know I slum it from time to time.

When the world heard there would be a movie, I played the same casting director game the rest of my girlfriends did. I still maintain that Katharine McPhee and Paul Wesley should have been cast as Anastasia and Christian. THAT I would see in the theater. I saw Magic Mike with a girlfriend and that shit was awkward. The movie premise was crap, the acting was crap, and the dance scenes were so-so and I could have waited for DVD. Plus, let's say it was exciting and appealing...who wants to be a riled up in a dark theater? Come one. Ew.

So now the movie is here, complete with that bomb ass soundtrack (that I will shamelessly plug again like it's my job) and more marketing than a Marvel movie. I have read more posts on my FB newsfeed in the past two weeks about Fifty Shades than I have about ISIS and that is saying something since a large portion of my friends list is crazy ass veterans who want all them there mother f-ers dead 'n shit. I've read why Christians should shun it, why women should feel empowered by it, why men should be threatened by it, why it is hurting our children, how it leads to domestic violence, and how you too can have Fifty Shades in the bedroom.

More of my female friends than I expected are anti-Fifty. Some because it is a crap read/watch and there are much better erotic novels out there (love you Susan) and some because the relationship is fucked up (it really is) and this should not be something women aspire to have. I mean I aspire to have his bank account, but Mr. Grey can keep the handcuffs.

Most of the ladies have protested (again and again and again) due to religious reasons. Yes, with all the world's problems to tackle on behalf of God, they have chosen Fifty Shades of terrible writing. This is not love, they say. This is pornography. This is vile. This does not glorify God. This should be banned. That's their opinion and I can certainly unfollow them on FB so I don't have to see the posts they are sharing over and over and over...posts that they have not written as they would never have personal knowledge of such sin. You know, except that I know who you were before (and sometimes with) Christ. But that's not important. This is filth that Christians should wholeheartedly condemn and then judge everyone else for engaging in. Because as a Christian, you are supposed to act as God's hand extended...wait...

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. That's in the bible right? Somewhere? I know you all think I am just some heathen, but I may have read it a time or two, or fifty, and I distinctly remember Jesus telling people to chill the fuck out. He says to love as he has loved. Love them like he do (see what I did there? Title tie-in, bam). Kind of hard to show the heathens of the world God's love when you are busy damning them to hell for reading a book or watching a movie. Whatever happened to the softer of Christ? Hmmm.

Let me ask this, did you hate Harry Potter too? Were you like my Pastor's wife, telling kids that it was of the devil and reading it would send them to hell? Don't act like it was just the crazy Pentecostals in a tizzy over it because everyone was tripping on my man HP back in the day. People lined up to demand that libraries banned them and there were even a more than few Harry Potter bonfires. Not the fun kind where you roast marshmallows and throw back a few beers; I'm talking about burning books like the Nazis. What about And Tango Makes Three? The book about the two male penguins (true story) that adopt a baby penguin orphan? I know someone who wanted it banned from the library for promoting a homosexual lifestyle to her son...even though he was under a year old and she would have to read it to him for him to know what it was about. And she wasn't the only one. Seriously, a book about what really happened in nature was trying to turn all our kids gay. Maybe throw it on the pile with HP just to be safe.

I have also been told we are living in the end times and this is one more sign of that. Yeah, Revelation specifically mentions "Laters babe" and "We aim to please" in between plague (which I am sure is Ebola right?) and destruction and the anti-Christ (is that Obama?). I've read Revelation and I will start tripping when Israel is supernaturally protected by an attack from Russia because that's when it really starts to pop off.

Long story short, who's the bigger asshole here? The people reading this crap and watching it, or the person focusing all of their energy on taking it down. What have you done to glorify God lately? What actions do people see him in of yours? I can post scripture all day, 'ery day but it doesn't make me holy. It doesn't prove I am showing people Christ's love and forgiveness. It just cements in a non-believers eyes that they don't want what you're selling because what you're selling is judgment and hypocrisy.

Brennan Manning said it best. "The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable." Sure, you could (and probably will) argue that a Christian watching this film is exactly what he was talking about, but I would counter that the judgment of others is far, far worse than being the Christian chick seeing a dirty movie. We all knowingly sin every single day, so how is watching a movie any different? You don't know the condition of someone's heart any more than they know the condition of yours, but you sure are showing them the ugly bits with your attacks. I'm not saying tone down your faith to appease others, but how about you just stop being a dick about it?

You're just a sinner saved by grace...the same grace you forget to extend to others. Isn't demanding perfection from others contrary to what you believe?

I have reached around 2000 words on a topic that if you all had just ignored, would've have gone away. According to every review, the movie is a steaming pile of poo and the novelty would have soon worn off. But nope, let's make it more appealing by being the zealots who condemn it. Shit, even I want to see it now just to piss you all off.

Have A Nice Day

You know you haven't blogged in a while when you go to your blogger page and it makes you sign in. I didn't even remember the password and almost got locked out. I had set that for "remember me"...apparently Blogger is a bit senile.

I have not had time to blog at all. I am not trying to make excuses, but you work a full-time job, work on your Masters full-time, and be a wife and mother and tell me when there is blogging time. Seriously, someone tell me, because I miss this. The sound of my fingers flying over the keys as I rage out over the idiots of the world is more peaceful than you can possibly imagine, but I can't do it instead of being with my family. However I have carved out a bit of time for myself (and all of you adoring fans) this Sunday evening. Chores are done, school work is done, Little Bug is needing alone time with her iPad, and Hubby is at work. AND I NEED TO RAGE.

We all know what is happening in Israel and Gaza right? Hamas terrorist scum is using women and children as shields and firing on Israel because they want to achieve their ultimate goal of death to all Jews. If you didn't know, now you do. If you disagree, kick rocks because this is not the blog where I eloquently explain why Israel is not the bully of the Middle East. I can and have and probably will on here soon, but not today. Today I do what I do best. Today I ruin someone's life.

This someone is truly deserving. I haven't come across someone as deserving since my cunt faced neighbor decided to slut shame teenage girls. I let her be because she dug her own grave and her wickedness was soon shown to everyone. I didn't have to dirty my hands because hers were fucking filthy already. But this someone, well he is a special kind of candidate. He is the kind that is woefully ignorant to world events but thinks himself a genius because he reads the headlines. He also is the kind who brags about his job and doesn't realize that what he says constitutes OPSEC violations and could cause serious security risks.

His name is Edwin Peguero and he is a scared little man. He should be. Though he has since blocked me and removed his comments from the post where this went down, sceenshots last forever. Screenshots that I have forwarded to his employer and the Israeli Consulate in New York. I have spoken with a representative from his employer and after we got past her righteous indignation as a Jew, she took my contact information and had me email her directly the screenshots of his comments.

I know there is a part of me who should feel bad for him. He is an Air Force vet and English is apparently his second language. Maybe he genuinely doesn't understand what he posted and why it is ignorant garbage that leads to anti-Semitic filth. Maybe he thought bringing up his military service and name dropping who he works for now and what he does for a living would calm the little white girl down. Obviously I am just a woman who did not recognize that the men were speaking. But as he stated that I didn't know him more than once adding P.S.'s about his job that were an OPSEC don't poster waiting to happen, I realized there will be no feeling bad for him. There will only be soul crushing and livelihood killing.

He doesn't know who I AM. He doesn't know that I don't skim headlines to form an opinion, I read everything. And I remember everything I read. I am highly educated. I am not going to quite down. I served in the same branch of service as he did, except I don't use my service as a trump card. I take very little personally but this, this I take personally. When you side with Hamas, when you condemn Israel's right to defend itself, you are basically saying you agree with Hamas. You are supporting the eradication of the Jewish people. BECAUSE YOU FUCKING IDIOT THAT IS WHAT HAMAS WANTS. Eat a dick. Suck some terrorist asshole. Oh, and start looking for work in another field, possibly another city, because you popped off at the mouth to the wrong mother fucking bitch.

*Drops Mic*

This One's For The Girls

The older I get, the more it upsets me when women or girls treat each other like shit. Probably because when I was younger I treated other girls and women like shit. I've been a bad friend, a frenemy, a backstabber, jealous, and cruel and any one of you gals who say you haven't is full of it. And I don't even have the luxury of saying it was as a teenager because frankly, I spent the better part of my early twenties being a this way. My bet is that most of us have.

I am so embarrassed at how I behaved towards other women that I have written, deleted, rewritten, deleted and now REwritten this blog this morning alone. Seeing my behavior written out makes it undeniable. It seems unforgivable, though I have been lucky enough that many of them have forgiven me (and vice versa). And frankly, my pride and embarrassment is going to prevent me from writing them all down in this version. I may share them later, but I think they will distract you all from my point.

Yes, I do have one. I am not here just to shame all of us ladies into tears. I am a mother to a daughter. Read that again. As a mother to a daughter, I am even more aware of the vile, vicious things we ladies do to one another. I fear every single day that some girl who wasn't loved enough or hates herself is going to take that out on my girl; my girl who thinks drag queens and old people are magical. My girl who apologizes to her toys for not playing with them enough. My girl who loves everyone and sympathizes with the world. My smart, kind, beautiful girl who doesn't know what it is like to feel unloved or look in the mirror and hate everything about yourself. Because let's face it, we hurt other girls and women because we ourselves are hurting.

We've moved to the middle of nowhere as I have previously mentioned and it has been an eye-opening experience for me. It is in a small-town that you really see the damage that girl on girl crime causes. I know it is bad everywhere, but in larger cities you can avoid someone if you don't like them. You aren't forced to see them every day, to pretend like you like them. So instead of developing your relationships with a group of girls you chose, you talk shit about the ones that are forced upon you. What's worse is that they hate each other because they're taught to do it. Their mothers are too busy gossiping about other women AND teenage girls that they don't see their daughters behaving the same way they do.

I don't want that for my Little Bug, but I don't want that for any girl. I want to live in a world (or hell, I'd take just my town) that isn't filled with hateful women tearing each other down behind each others backs and smiling sweetly to each others faces. I want to live in a world where girls don't slut shame each other and then go and sleep with the same guy. I want to live in a world where women don't condemn each other for making a choice that is different than their own. I want to know that my girlfriend only says things to my face and doesn't share what I have confided in her with the cool girls to get ahead. Yeah...the cool girls still exist at this age except at this age you can tell they are just as damaged and self-loathing as you used to be.

This probably isn't FBG comeback you all waited so patiently for, but I can't get it off of my mind and isn't that what my blog is for? I know I'm not THAT old, but being a mother changes your whole perspective. Being good friends with other women does that too. I look at these girls who desperately want to be better people than they have been raised to be and I feel so sad and yet so hopeful for them. Because at least they know it's wrong and knowing it's wrong is the first step to being better.

Don't get it twisted. I'm not having some world shaking epiphany. My snark is still alive and well and will be aimed at all parties who are deserving, male and female. That doesn't mean I can't be a better FRIEND and in turn help others be better friends. I'm not saying it'll even work, but who knows what'll happen if I reach one girl? Maybe she'll reach another. And then that one reaches another. Fingers crossed right?

You Kill Me

I'm about to lose some friends, but that's okay. You don't have to like what I am about to say for it to be true.

Black culture is responsible for the murder of Christopher Lane. Had their mommas and daddies been present, they wouldn't be involved in trying to live a gang banger lifestyle. Had they not been trying to emulate the images they see from the black entertainment world, they wouldn't have thought killing someone would give them some street cred. Had they been involved in productive activities this summer, they wouldn't have been bored and killed a white man in cold blood.


Yes, those boys are responsible for their own actions. I say fry 'em. And while you do it, make sure their heroes, who I assume are raps elite, have to sit their and watch what they inspired. One of them calls himself "Baby Drake" on his FB page. And a "Black Power" pic on there. Who's to say it isn't racial now? If we can accuse Zimmerman with no evidence, we can nail this asshole with that pic, right?


It isn't a race issue you say? Maybe not, but if it was a black man shot by three white kids, y'all would be on the Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton race baiting train. Are you pissed? Good, because I sure as hell am. This is what a culture that promotes hatred, violence, crime, misogyny, etc. causes. This is what happens when you don't hold yourself to a higher standard. This is what you have allowed to happen after people fought so hard for your equality. Be fucking pissed and be very ashamed.

If you live under a rock and have not heard about how three black teenagers murdered a white, Australian baseball player in Oklahoma because they were bored, you can read about it here. Or here. Or here.

And if you aren't angry, if you aren't disgusted, if you can't feel the same sadness and rage you felt for Trayvon Martin, you can go fuck yourself you racist piece of shit. Yep, you are a racist. No apologies today or from here on out. Same standard for all.

I've Been Everywhere

I really have. And now I am smack dab in Middle of Nowhere, Texas...better known as Kitty Kat, Texas. Don't get me wrong, aside from the herd of bison that don't think I'm good enough for my husband, it is a great place. Most people are very friendly, genuine, and I know I can count on them for anything.

Anything except having a Walmart, Target, drug store, Starbucks, etc. in their back yard. If they did, I would never leave this place. But alas, they do not and I must troll the Internet for the things I require...or just really want.

Starting with: An at home pedicure. You see, there is no nail salon, no comfy chair that massages my lower lumbar as I listen to bitchy Koreans talk about how dry my feet are. I miss those angry little Asians. *tear* I've had to take matters into my own hands...

This thing is a lifesaver. No foot soaking needed and I don't have to be referred to as white girl. Time saver and less racist.

Have I mentioned that Kitty Kat, Texas is dry? As in booze is not sold in this town village rest stop that I reside in. I could drive 17 miles to the county seat and buy beer at the gas station, but no liquor or wine. BUT (!) it's almost like Amazon.com knew that this would happen and prepared in advance. I give to you Amazon Wine!

I have Amazon Prime and my shipping is free and quick. Wine shall be mine!

Now, I know what you all y'all are thinkin', that there girl needs a wine rack to store all that there wine she's gonna be orderin'. Yep. Already ahead of you. And after trolling Amazon for hours...okay, like 15 minutes, I found this one that hold 9 bottles of manna from heaven.

Wall mounted means I don't have to try to find space for it. And though that price says $30.19, I got it for free 99, because Baby Sis decided I needed a house warming gift. She kind of doesn't suck.

Now, I'm not a super lush...but I do know where a drive-thru liquor store is about 45 minutes away. 

Moving on. You know what else the country has? Bugs. Every single type of bug imaginable. I would not be shocked if a Camel Spider popped its head out my kitchen cabinet just to say "Hey!" Actually, Hubby is super OCD about cleaning and bug extermination, so finding a bug in the house would actually surprise me, but if he was chillin' on my front porch with a sweet tea, I would wave back. Little bug hates bugs as well, and I think its time to buy stock in OFF.

You may be thinking, "Wow, she has options to choose from!" You'd be wrong. I use all of these. Yes, at the same time. Okay, I'm kidding. No, I am actually not.

The other night, Hubby was out patrolling the mean streets of Briscoe County. Little Bug and I were just about to go to sleep, when we heard the unmistakable sound of the glass door opening, followed by someone trying to open the front door. Little Bug said, "Daddy's home!" and I went into the living room to greet him. But NO, I did not see his head through the windows at the top of the door. Someone was still trying to open the door though, so I turned right around and went to retrieve my baby. Not Little Bug, my other baby.

Beretta PX4 Storm Subcompact 9mm. And yes those are hollow points. Mine is loaded with them as well. Come in my house, I dare you.

EXCEPT my baby was not in its usual spot. I then grabbed my other baby, locked us in my bedroom and called Hubby. He was in the county seat, but sent the Sheriff and a state trooper to come right over and check the surrounding area. They found nothing but footprints likely belonging to the heathen children that live behind us. I'm actually happy that Hubby had my gun, because I would have probably fired. 

Which brings me to the next thing you need in the country. Security lights. And you can bet your ass that I bought one that will blind ya.

Worth every penny. Country people seem to be afraid of lights. I think that's why they don't have street lights, stop lights, or even electricity. I kid, I kid. Only the meth trailers are electricity free.

There is so much more stuff I have Amazon'd since our arrival, but I've got to save something for next week. That isn't a promise to actually write next week, but I might think about it. And since this should have been up yesterday before my iPhone Blogger app ate it, I'll have Tuesday's Thrashing up soon too!

Moment for Life

I'm back! Yes, I have said that before and thought I meant it, but this time...well, I really sort of mean it. You get a full week of Fat Bottomed Girl. I highly doubt I can keep this up though. I start my Master's program very, very soon and Little Bug starts Kindergarten in a week! So, because I will be trying to work around all of that, I give to you, my loyal fans, a full week of posts.

Monday will, of course, be Must Have Monday, but this will be a very special "So you moved to the middle of nowhere?" edition.

Tuesday, which was once Time Warp Tuesday, is now Tuesday Thrashing. I am aware that Thursday Thrashing had a better ring, but school starts on Tuesday's now...so get over it.

Wednesday will remain What in the World? Wednesday.

Thursday is now either a Time Warp or Turn Up The Stereo Thursday. It'll make sense come this Thursday.

Friday, well, I don't know about Friday. Maybe I'll rehash the week and put up some pics of my Little Bug. Or maybe I'll dedicate it to Kitty Kat, Texas. I'll figure it out as I go I guess.

Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow, bright and early and with a smile on my face. Well, really not all that early and I cannot actually promise I'll be smiling.

Reunited

Fat Bottom Girl has moved. No, not domains or whatever, but actually packed up and moved. I and my brood are no longer residents of Sun City, Texas. We now reside in Kitty Kat, Texas. No, of course that isn't the real name of it, but it IS shockingly close.

Kitty Kat is located in the heart of the Texas panhandle in a county that will remind you of a one season TV show on Fox that starred THE Bruce Campbell. I'll wait while you Google it. Got it? Great. There are about 1100 residents of the county and 250 of them are in Kitty Kat. The ones I have met and had actual conversations with are lovely. They think my husband hangs the moon every night and that my daughter is a beautiful blessing. They even think it is so wonderful that I am an educated, lovely mother and wife and tell me how I am going to be such a positive role model for the girls in this community.

We went on down to the Baptist church last night for the last night of Vacation Bible School. See, hubby has been up here for a few months now, working as a deputy sheriff. He was wrangled into going to church almost as soon as he got here....despite being a non-religious Jew. Oh well. They kept him busy and fed him, and I am glad to have been dropped into such a loving group of people.

Little Bug loved it. Lots of kids her age and lots of playing.

She even got to perform in the VBS program. She managed to get most of the dance moves right and the words. I'd post the video, but Blogger hates me today.

Afterwards, there was a hot dog dinner for all the kids and the church congregation. Got to chat with a lot of great folks. We went back home afterward and Little Bug ran around the yard with her daddy, some neighbor kids, and her daddy's friend Jake until the sun went down.

Now Jake lives around the corner, while his parents and sister live across the street. We spent most of the night over at their house just talking and whatnot. Great people. They love my husband like a son and were great to me and Little Bug. I adore these people, I mean that.

HOWEVER....not everyone in Kitty Kat is as welcoming and friendly. It was overheard at the local gas station that some of the local ladies are not my biggest fans. In fact, my arrival is the talk of all the bison. No, not the bison running wild in the state park. I'm talking about the lard-ass, single bitches in town with two plus children by different daddies (and maybe one from their own), no education, and pooling their food stamps to sell for cigarette money. The herd thinks that my husband is way too good looking for me. As hot as he is, they expected I was gonna be a gosh dern super model. Instead, I'm just some ugly bitch.

Now, I know that everyone expects me to drive on down to the herds stomping grounds and let them have it, and trust me, I WAS tempted. Even had a speech:

Hi, I'm Fat Bottomed Girl, Deputy Hubby's wife. You know, the one who isn't hot enough for him. I just thought I'd come on down and introduce myself so you could say it to my face instead of behind my back.

Even thought of bringing them some of my delicious homemade cookies and adding "Have these cookies since y'all are so hungry for drama." But they aren't worth it. You see, while I certainly have some poundage to lose, I'm not 300 plus pounds of destitute scum. I've got a husband who loves me and our daughter, would do anything for us, and doesn't steal my belongings to buy meth. 

I know everyone dies famous in a small town, but I haven't even been here five days yet! Oh well, I guess that's what happens when all you have to do is lust after another woman's husband and eat. As their asses and debt increase, mine will be getting smaller and my bank account larger. Think I still might stop in an introduce myself. Might as well give them something to fear...right?

The Bitch Is Back (Part 3)

Zayda and I are an unstoppable team. I waited in the hallway for him since he's old and I knew it would take him a while to get to the classroom. I greeted him warmly, but he saw through it. "Sit with me, lets discuss the volatile circumstances between Israel and the rest of the Middle East," he said with a smile. My country is Israel for my teams International Relations project, how fitting. I told him about Iran's (Poison Pussy) desire to wipe Israel off the map. I told him about Egypt (Belittle) compromising the whole Middle East stability with false words. I told him about Syria's (GI Schmo) acts of genocide and refusal to stop being combative. He laughed whole-heartedly.

"So, Poison Pussy wants to kick you out of the group. Belittle plagiarized her whole assignment, and GI Schmo keeps picking fights?" he said with a grin. I told him that he must be a genius. Again, he laughed and said, "That, and I monitored your learning team forum this week. If I didn't have dentures I would have had some popcorn." I adore this old man. I gave him all my supporting evidence and he thanked me because "now I won't have to grade it myself." I was pretty in-depth. He told me that Israel became a free state in 1948 and now Fat Bottomed Girl became one in 2013. I smiled and said, "I feel like we should celebrate." He replied, "Getting to see you do a presentation next week without the burden of the Islamic regimes weighing you down is celebration enough for me."

I am Israel now. I am free. I posted my portion of the Week 4 assignment in my forum for grading. I get to do next week's team stuff on my own. This is like my dream class. I don't have to put up with idiots and I get all the credit. Yay me!

The battle has been won, but the war still rages on. GI Schmo and Belittle stared daggers in me when I came back in. Belittle asked GI Schmo if he was going to talk to the instructor. He looked at me still and said, "Oh yeah I will. But not in front of her." "Do you mean me?" I said with a smile. "I've emancipated myself from your repressive regime, you don't have to worry about me bettering your people anymore." He didn't get it. Why was I even closed to surprised?

We started off class with an ice-breaker. Why does the United States have a greater trade with Canada than Mexico? Belittle started it off by saying (after a very long Google search) "Um, with Canada, we have a border." Zayda said, "We have one with Mexico too. Next." Poison Pussy was up and said, "I don't have any knowledge of that." I couldn't resist and quickly replied, "Of course you don't. Heads up, Canada isn't in China." She scowled and said pass. GI Schmo also opted to pass, but added, "I've never been to war with Canada, so I just don't know much about it." Zayda asked if he had ever been to war with Mexico either and he didn't respond. I was next and mentioned a few statistics and reasons off the top of my head. Yes, McMac was closed. I don't need Google. Poison Pussy scowled again and said (in what she thought was a whisper) that I just thought I was so fucking smart. I smiled and "whispered back" that I AM so fucking smart. The other team let out audible noises implying the bitch had been burned. I desperately want to say "And not just in her vagina."

Just now, out of nowhere, Belittle loudly exclaims, "If you're going to text in class, can you turn off the noises Tiffany?!?!" Poison Pussy got really red and tried to switch her phone off. Belittle saw this and said, "Oh no girl, you're good." Since Zayda is deaf and can't hear the shit talking, I smiled and said, "I'm sorry, I am so embarrassed. You know my name, but I am trying really hard and can't remember yours. Are you new?" Even Poison Pussy laughed. You are an extra in the film doll, sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up.

We have to discuss our human rights paper from Week 3 as a team before the whole class. They won't even acknowledge me on it. That's fine. I asked Zayda if I should just cover the whole Middle East since I'm the only one who knows where it is located. He laughed and said, "Maybe I'll learn something about China though." Poison Pussy did not laugh.

"Let me start because I am the team leader," Poison Pussy said. "All bow before your Queen," I added loudly. Again she looked confused. "Oh that's right, you're the only person who doesn't get it. Please, continue Your Majesty," I replied. She ranted on about how she knows where China is but she knewed (yes that is the word she used) that Iran does businesses with China and thought they were really close enough to each other. 4,000 miles really isn't that far I guess. It's like maybe a few days walk. She said Iran is seen as a leader in the Middle East and the world and that their President is respected so much that he spoke at Columbus University in New York. I didn't comment, just LOL'd and rolled it into a coughing fit, garnering sympathy from the other team. They asked if I was choking. I said that I was choking...on stupidity. Belittle jumped in to talk about President More Si? (that's her pronunciation) of Egypt. He has been the president for a long time. He was in jail, but now he is free and runs things for the Muslim Brotherhood. Zayda looked at me to correct, but I smiled and said nothing. GI Schmo kept it simple. "Syria has chemical weapons that they use on their own people. But that's their business, not ours. We don't need another bullshit war."

I cleared my throat, rather dramatically I might add, and started. I addressed the freedoms in Israel, for all faiths, not just the Jews. I mentioned world human rights agencies ratings of Israel. I highlighted the current efforts to bring gender equality to the religious sites in Israel, specifically the Western Wall. I even cited a few missteps by Israel, but stated, "In contrast to the rest of the Middle East, Israel is a mecca for human rights in the region. Though my former teammates failed to mention anything of significance, Israel is perhaps the only country in the Middle East where you will not be persecuted for not be a Muslim." I also said, "Just a quick side note. I don't know where they got their information Poison Pussy, but in what reality is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a respected leader by the rest of the world? Do you troll pro-terrorist websites and take their word as gospel?" I had hoped this would spark a fire in her and that I would get some type of response, but she said, "I don't even know who that is." "The President of Iran," I replied. "Well, that's not who I said," she snapped. "But you said the President of Iran," I replied quizzically. "Nuh-uh." It's pointless.

This was all AFTER the break. Team A presented before we broke. It was as if they were unaware that Latin America was their chosen region. After five minuets of babble, Zayda put his hand up and said, "I'm gonna call it."

During the break, the Three Amoebas huddled around Zayda's desk and tried to complain about me and said I MADE them turn the paper in without editing it. He said firmly, "I know that to be completely false. There will be no more discussion about Israe--ahem, Tiffany. After class we will discuss the plagiarism issue at length if you wish. I have already submitted your portions for further review." Poison Pussy looked outraged and cried, "WHAT ABOUT HER?!?!?!" Zayda didn't miss a beat. "Tiffany submitted her portion separately and proved that she did not participate in academic dishonesty. From examination of your team forum, I can attest that she even warned you about the many, many mistakes and you reacted rather, well, immaturely frankly. You three will be held accountable for your actions."

I had a slight skirmish in the hallway after that with Poison Pussy. I was filling Katniss in on what was going down and Poison Pussy walked by and scoffed/laughed. So I broke out in crazy hysterical laughter. She walked down the hall, then turned around and came right back. Um, obvious much. When I came back in, she was whispering to GI Schmo and they laughed when they saw me. I smiled and said, "You can continue to talk about me, or you can try to act like an adult. I'm not sure if you can spell it, but maybe you can Google it." She said whatever and rolled her eyes and then said, "You see?" to GI Schmo. He was like, "Yeah, that's Air Force for you, real high speed." I couldn't hold back.

Me: You wouldn't know much about that would you?
GI: Excuse me?
Me: High speed. You clearly have no idea what it means to be light years ahead of anyone. Should I speak slower for you?
GI: Whatever. We kicked you out. Get over it.
Me: I asked to be removed. Enjoy those F's. You know you have to pay that money back, right?
PP: Don't talk to her. She's so dumb.
Me: But I know how to spell Egypt and where Iran is, so there's that.
GI: Whatever.

The rest of class was a series of moments of them glaring at me and Zayda demonstrating why I'm his favorite. Poison Pussy had the nerve to whisper, "What's worse is that that bitch is a mother." No, I didn't choke a bitch the fuck out. I simply replied, "Maybe that's why God killed off your litters." Cruel? Yes. Do I regret it? Not one bit. Do I wish I had gone harder? You bettcha. I think I should really thank Zayda for not having a hearing aid. They may talk a lot of shit, but I get to respond which makes it all worth it.

At one point during class discussion, I asked GI Schmo if he was legally retarded, because anyone who thought that the problems in the Middle East could be solved with giving Iran a nuke must be. I asked if he had to wear a helmet when he's awake and if he got to serve in the Army as a make-a-wish thing, you know, pretend to be a soldier. He said, "There's nothing pretend about my service. You don't know war okay." The leader from Team A said, "I had you in my last class, you said you never deployed." "That's because I don't like to talk about it," GI Schmo replied defensively. "Really?" I asked, "because you used your combat experience to explain why you can't turn your work in on time." He shut up quickly and Team A Leader air high-fived me. I didn't know we were cool like that bro, good to know.

Then this just happened. Poison Pussy had security come to our classroom. She left, went and got security and then pulled Zayda into the hallway with them. I knew immediately it was about me. Game on bitch. I'm not sure what she said, but she came in smirking. She said, "Security will be here to walk me out, so don't try anything." What? This bitch is a psychopath. Either the meth or the hair dye has warped her mind. I went and spoke with the chair of my department and the head of security. My Chair was pissed. He told me she randomly walked up to security and said "This girl is gonna hit me. I know it. Can you come stop her?"

WHAT. THE. FUCK???? Chair and Head Security weren't buying it and asked me if I felt safe walking to my car. I was pretty shocked. I told Chair about how she walked back in the class and cackled while waving her finger at me. He said, and I quote "What a crazy bitch." Yeah, that sums up my thoughts. Head of Security asked me to file a complaint and Chair said he could email me the form. She told them that I followed her to her car last week after class and threatened her all night. I wasn't here last week. "Check the attendance," I said. "That didn't happen. One, because I'm not crazy, and two, because I wasn't even here." Head Security radioed his other guy and asked him to sit in class with us. Chair said a number of times that my Hubby is a cop, so they better keep me safe. This is beyond. What, I don't know, but it is beyond.

This went from you got busted for academic dishonesty to full-blown Glenn Close boiling my rabbit. When I came back in class, she pointed at me and made the creepiest face. Like, "I'm going to get you bitch and wear your skin." I WASN'T going to hit her, nor did I ever say I was going to hit her, but now I think I need a baseball bat. And a priest and a crucifix while I'm at it, because this bitch is possessed! I was just going to settle for an honor code violation, but now I think explosion sounds like the best option. Why do the psychos ALWAYS find me?

My Chair sat in class with me for a bit. He told her to sit down and shut up or leave. He told her to stop glaring at me. After about 15 minuets, we had to answer team discussion questions, but since I am without a team, I asked if I could answer the first question. They weren't jumping on it and Zayda said that was a great idea. Chair said, "Clean out your ears, you're gonna want to hear this." Poison Pussy said, "No thank you," and walked out of class. Then, she came back, loud as hell, and said "I'm so sorry, I need my pills." Then some weird fake crying happened, she answered a text, and went back to normal. Jaws collectively dropped in the room. I want to believe this was real. I really want to. But sorry, it's all too calculating for me. If you're really having a meltdown, you don't go get security and try to set me up with a smirk on your face.

Chair and Zayda assured me after class that Poison Pussy's allegations were not to bug me. She was lying and they knew it. But seriously, who the fuck does that? She's either really off her rocker, or her break conversation with Zayda made her realize she was fucked and she needed to do something drastic. A mental health breakdown will get you out of class I've heard.

I'm mentally spent guys. I have to work tomorrow and this has drained me. I am praying for a peaceful and uneventful class next week.

The Bitch is Back (Part 2)

I left my computer charger at home. As of right now, McMac has 2 hours and 5 minuets of battery life remaining. Of all the nights! I might go old school and jot it all down by hand, transfer it to here, then blow all of your minds.

I'm the first one here and I've set up my command post. To my left is my Trenta Cool Lime Refresher and backup bottle of water. In front of me, my mac. To my left, placed just enough away from me so someone else could read it is my evidence. The plagiarism check, the professional review, and my personal edit dripping with green ink. Poison Pussy sits next to me on that side, so yeah, it's for her.

Forgot to mention why I call her Poison Pussy. Two weeks ago, she tells me (out-of-nowhere) that she has miscarried twins, triplets, and what the doctors think were quadruplets. She said (with a Jodi Arias smile) that her uterus was like poison. Then she said that she had cancer "in my pussy", but like pre-cancer, but really more like a weird test result that got cleared up. So, she doesn't have cancer. Thus Poison Pussy.

Zayda usually gets here before the students. I really hope that's the case tonight. I need to talk to him before anyone else talks to me. If I engage with the Three Amoebas first, I might waste all my good stuff right off the bat. There's a certain way you address people who you know are going to be crucified as well, and I want that satisfaction. Am I evil? That was rhetorical, of course I am.

I have this turning in my stomach. It isn't nerves, more like this amped feeling I can't get rid of. Is this what GSP felt like before he whopped Nick Diaz's ass? You know what I mean, that feeling of "Wow, this guy is so unmatched that I am actually catching a high off of my excitement" kind of thing? Someone told me today that in a battle of wits, you should never engage with someone who is unarmed. But the kicker is, much like Nick Diaz, they think they've got a shot. They're each others hype men. Think Flavor Flav, but less intelligent. Sure, this may be shooting fish in a barrel, but those fish were talking shit and I am deadly accurate.

I think I'll end here. Part 3 will be the class breakdown. This way I can save McMac's life.

The Bitch Is Back (Part 1)

I had a tough time choosing the title for tonight's blog. Ultimately, Elton John always wins out, but I had some other close choices. Keeps Getting Better was the second in line, but as I detest Christina Aguilera, I had to veto it. Stiletto by Billy Joel and Cold as Ice by Foreigner also came into play, but I think I can save them for later. Besides, The Bitch is Back is the best possible description for how my night will unfold.

I'm currently taking my last ground class at University of Fictitious Bird. This might make some of you sad, but don't fret as I have two more online classes and chapters (yes chapters) worth of stories that never made the blog. Not because they weren't good, but because they were chapter material. Read into that what you will (see what I did there?). Anyway, this class is all about international relations. Seems apropos since I seem to be the only American in the class.

My instructor loves me. He's an old, hunchback Jew who is hard of hearing, yet full of knowledge. I sit in awe each week as he explains things to us and recalls specific incidents of international significance that he lived through. I kind of wish he was my Zayde and I could come visit him in his home that smells of rich mahogany and he would tell me stories from the war. I don't think he's THAT old, maybe more Korean War than WWII. Every week, it feels like he and I have this intense discussions about world affairs and that we're the only two people in the room. Well, we are the only ones who actively participate. Everyone else needs to be stabbed in the temple to get some brain juice flowing.

My team is no exception. They. Are. Idiots. The self-appointed team leader, Poison Pussy, is a daft and aging pathetic hipster and single mother of 20. Okay, I think she said she had 4, but she doesn't have custody of all of them because of her issues. I candidly asked, "Is it the meth?" but she laughed. She either didn't get it or it was a nervous laugh because she's a methhead. She is easily in her late thirties with or without meth use, has spotty dyed pink hair, and dresses like my baby sister did when she worked at a hipster skate shop (you know it was bad little sis). And she thought Iran was in China. I'll let that sink in..........................we good? Moving on.

Then there is Belittle. She's fat, but not obese, more like weird shapes. She speaks English, but that is a generous statement. She "es an ejucation major. I like to teash the kids" Yep. She also plagiarizes like a fucking idiot and still does not understand why "joo can't just use the words of the writers because that's what joo say anyway." She's not really important, except that she would be the easiest of the group to make cry. I call her Belittle because it sounds like her name and it's so easy to do to her.

Finally, we have GI Schmo. He wasn't in class for week one, didn't speak to us at all during week two (except to say "You air force?"), and week three, didn't communicate with the group at all about the team assignment, and then added his unedited train wreck portion to the final version and said "Don't worry guys, I added my part." No dumb ass, you were left off for a reason. When I told the instructor and GI Schmo that his part should not be considered as part of the paper, he told me I wasn't as "high speed" as I think I am, then sent me this message:

i said the high speed reark as a joke i am not mocking your military service, I served in the Army as a combat engineer probably one of the most dangerous jobs to have,two deployment to Iraq & Afghanistan, so if anybody who knows what it means to serve and sacrifice it would be me. I have lost best friends in these pointless wars. So as you can see i am a veteran just like you and i know war. So if you think i was mocking your service, you are wrong, I figure you would get the joke but didn't take it so well. your bad.

Yeah, because your military service is relevant to the situation at hand. He knows war, but doesn't know how to write properly or comply with team deadlines. I got 8 out of 8 on the paper. Poison Pussy and Belittle got 4 and 3 respectively. GI Schmo got a 1. Needless to say, they're all a little pissed.

That's what brought on this weeks drama. I missed class on week 3. I didn't feel good and I was tired. But I messaged PP and told her that I would provide an outline for the week 4 assignment. She said OK. Of course she did because she doesn't posses an original or creative thought in her tiny little meth-riddled brain. I messaged her my outline and she texted me back to say that they came up with their own idea and that I could do it or be kicked out of the group. WHAT? We were on good terms the week before. Other than getting a better grade than them, I didn't do anything wr....Oh. That's it. Anyway, she assigned me and GI Schmo the same thing essentially. We can ignore the fact that her plan (which I learned was actually GI Schmo's plan) was not even close to what the syllabus called for and just focus on the redundancy for a second. I explained to her the dilemma she created and she said "Do it or don't. You can be kicked out real quick." I politely responded that a simple Google search would prove me correct, but we could always involve the instructor if she wanted to be argumentative. She did. So I got Zayda involved. He informed them I was correct and said that he "strongly suggested that Tiffany's suggestions become law in this team." Owned.

The thing is, no ones portion changed but mine. They all still had a full week to do their portions, while I had less than a day. It was due to GI Schmo on Tuesday and it all got resolved on Monday afternoon. However, I am the only one who posted my learning team portion to the team forum on Tuesday. When I noted this to GI Schmo and asked for transparency, I was told to kick rocks. He said he would edit it, post it for review, and submit it "when I get to it" and then added that I needed to "be calm and courteous" if it was even in me. We all know how I feel about time lines and due dates, but I feel even more strongly about some POS, dumb as rocks, wannabe bad ass telling me where to go. So I replied.


The team charter, much like the course syllabus, is a biding document for the learning team. Failure to adhere to it will result in the instructor grading members differently for the submitted assignment. We all agreed to adhere to the charter and university rules. I'm not sure about your feelings on integrity, but I feel VERY strongly about it. Failure to produce your portion for the assignment on the day YOU requested it is a lack of integrity on your part. Holding people accountable to their word is not disrespectful, but not honoring your word certainly is.

Not as snarky as you all expected? Well, the forum is monitored. I have to maintain some control. He didn't reply. Instead, he posted last night this:

Hey everyone here is the Paper for week 4. Good job everyone, good sources, good citations and good coverage on the topics given.  Feel free to check it out and let me know what you all think. 
Thank you for all your hard work everyone.

Except, he didn't wait for review and corrections, he posted it for grading. I am irate. With the exception of my portion and references, the entire thing is a train wreck. Egypt is spelled "Eygpt" 13 TIMES throughout three separate sections of the paper. Citations don't exist and there is bold, absolute plagiarism by the paragraph. I printed out the paper, the plagiarism check, and the school's editing software's corrections of the paper and plan on bringing them to class to gloriously shame them all. Also, I WILL be telling GI Schmo that even though he referred to everything as good, I don't think that word means what he thinks it means. Yep, sometimes you have to go Princess Bride on a mother fucker.

I publicly and formally asked to be recused from the team and the team assignment via the forum. I stated that I do not, have not, and will never participate in violations of the university's policy and do not support academic dishonesty. I also made sure to highlight that my portion was checked for plagiarism and came back clean. And I posted EVERYTHING in the team forum. I'm covered. They, however, posted nothing in the team forum, so proving who wrote (or stole) what is going to be a little harder. Zayda takes plagiarism very seriously and will be forced to submit the three of them to the Academic Integrity Council. Meanwhile, I'll be free to operate as my own learning team and next week, I'll presenting an intelligent analysis of Middle East relations. I get sweet revenge and freedom.

Well, I hope that's how it'll play out. Stay tuned....


Oh, here's a taste of the edits needed to make their paper not suck:

 

 

There was much, much more, but the black ink doesn't do it justice. I should have used green, like my favorite English teacher Mr. Woo. I feared green. Maybe these people should too.

The Angry American

Okay, I realize that I many, many, MANY years late on this one, but funny things come to me when I’m in the shower. In this case, it was brought to me by Spotify radio. I was listening to “Boys Round Here” by Blake Shelton earlier today and I was diggin’ it so much that I hit the radio button for it. Normally, Spotify would generate a radio station with similar artists and genres. I expected some “1994” by Jason Aldean, The Pistol Annies, Miranda Lambert, or even some Kenny Chesney. What I got was “Dear Mr. President” by Pink. I double-checked, then triple checked, and yes, it said “Boys Round Here Radio.” Spotify, you have never made such a big mistake, but I forgive you because the song brought on a wave of emotion.

For those of you who have not heard the song, you’re not missing much. It’s Pink’s lyrical open letter to then President Bush circa 2006. It’s everything you would expect from a liberal woman and every criticism of President Bush that was trendy. It’s also pretty catchy and I found myself singing along. Except I didn’t imagine I was pleading with W, I saw President Obama in my minds eye. If I didn’t know that Pink was a hypocritical liberal who made a quick buck on attempting to shame a man with his past, I’d have thought it was directed at Barry Soetoro. Not sure who that is? That would be President Barrack Hussein Obama II, at least that’s what he used to go by.

Anywho, I thought I would try my hand at song interpretation. In BOLD are Pink’s lyrics and underneath in regular text are my thoughts. Enjoy. Or get really offended. either way gets me blog traffic.

Dear Mr. President,

Come take a walk with me.

For a photo op? Because that doesn’t sound like something Bush would do. Obama, for sure. He loves a good walking photo.

Let's pretend we're just two people and

You're not better than me.

Did Bush really act as if he was better than anyone? This line confuses me. I don’t recall him throwing expensive parties and taking million-dollar vacations at the cost of taxpayers. I mean, we weren’t even in a recession then and the man would take a trip down to Crawford Ranch, which he owned. But whatever, who cares about poor Americans when you get to party with Justin Timberlake.

I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.

This one. THIS. ONE. Couldn’t get Obama to do this. Everything is either Bush’s fault, the GOP’s fault, or he just doesn’t answer.

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?

What does Obama feel? Not much, or not enough to do something about it.

Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?

Does he pray that those awful Jews stop trying to control him or that America will fall? His pastor, Jeremiah Wright, certainly believes that. He called Israel an illegal state and said “To equate Judaism with the state of Israel is to equate Christianity with Flavor Flav.” He also called for God to damn America. This is the man who married the Obama’s, baptized their children, and even is credited for the title of his book, The Audacity of Hope. I don’t think I would personally let an anti-Semitic baptize my kids, but I’m not Obama.

What do you feel when you look in the mirror?

I hear he does this A LOT. Reports also state that he spends a large amount of time Googling himself. And don’t forget the many, many, MANY reports about his narcissism. Like this one. Or this one. And this one.

Are you proud?

Yes, I really think he is. Watch Obama’s America: 2016 just one time with an open mind. You might surprise yourself.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?

He’d probably like to use our tears as lube. Or he doesn’t hear the cries because he’s too busy partying with Jay-Z.

How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?

Oh this line, how I’ve been waiting for you. Not only has Obama NOT ended the war; he’s dragged us into more conflicts. But while I know this line was meant for Bush and our soldiers deaths, I’d like to highlight four mothers in particular who didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.

Mary J. Stevens, mother of Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens.

Patricia Smith, mother of Sean Smith, a U.S. Foreign Service Information Management Officer.

 Barbara Doherty, mother of Glen Doherty, retired Navy SEAL and contracted State Department employee.

Cheryl Bennett, mother of Tyronne S. Woods, retired Navy SEAL and State Department Diplomatic Security team member.

These four women did not get a chance to say goodbye to their sons; sons who ere savagely murdered by Muslim terrorists who attacked our American Embassy in Benghazi. Their sons called for help multiple times, only to be ignored by the President and his people. These four women don’t even get answers as to why their sons were left to die. They get a government cover-up on par with a Hollywood movie plot.

How do you walk with your head held high?

Oh this is easy. He’s a pompous narcissist, that’s how.

Can you even look me in the eye

And tell me why?

No, he can’t tell you why, because a man who ran on a platform of transparency has been the least transparent President of recent memory. You don’t have a right to know what a public servant does.

Dear Mr. President,

Were you a lonely boy?

Are you a lonely boy?

Are you a lonely boy?

I don’t know if he was lonely. His mom was a loose woman who had plenty of people in an out of his life. Hippies always have someone around…with pot.

How can you say

No child is left behind?

Yeah, this one was all Bush (the program at least), except that Obama cares more about teacher’s unions than the education of our children. Take a good look at the Chicago public school system, it’s pretty telling.

We're not dumb and we're not blind.

I’m not dumb and I’m not blind, but I’m not too sure about the writer of this song. Keep on praising Obama and the main stream media’s coverage of him all you want, but it doesn’t mean I have to be a sheep.

They're all sitting in your cells

While you pave the road to hell.

Yeah, I have heard Gitmo is pretty packed. Funny, I though Obama was going to close it.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?

Which rights? Her right to bear arms? He’s not a big fan of that one, or the Constitution for that matter. Obama once stated, “Our Constitution reflected the fundamental flaw of this country that continues today.” And this gem, “Well, it turns out our Founders designed a system that makes it more difficult to bring about change than I would like sometimes.” Well, thank goodness for that! Imagine what he’d be doing if he DIDN’T have the Constitution to keep him in line.

And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?

Well, only until a half year ago did he care about that one.

I can only imagine what the first lady has to say

You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.

Or pot. But really, Michelle has a LOT to say. She said he was born in Kenya. She said she was a single mother. She said she was only proud of America because a black man was elected. She also said “All this for a damn flag” during the 9/11 ten year memorial.

Let me tell you 'bout hard work.

What hard work? Obama has always been given a free ride. Always. And he has only been employed as a civil servant, which let’s be honest, is welfare.

Minimum wage with a baby on the way.

Maybe those people should make responsible decisions. Besides, Obama is totally cool with you killing that baby.

Let me tell you 'bout hard work.

Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away.

The bombs Obama sent. Drones baby, drones. And we’re next if we get out of line.

Let me tell you 'bout hard work.

Building a bed out of a cardboard box.

Just wondering what Pink knows about any of this. Why don’t you redistribute some of your wealth? After all, Obama did say that at some point, you just have enough money.

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Hard work

Hard work

You don't know nothing 'bout hard work

Hard work

Hard work

Oh

I completely agree. Obama and you know NOTHING of hard work.

How do you sleep at night?

Just like you do Pink; with a chip on your shoulder and condemnation in your heart.

How do you walk with your head held high?

Again, narcissists can do this easily.

Dear Mr. President,

You'd never take a walk with me.

Would you?

He would most definitely take a walk with you. As long as you can get him press and a Google alert.

Stupid Hoe

The problem with last week's "MJ I'm back" fax (as it has been labeled), also known as Paperback Writer, is that I'm not really making a comeback. I have too much going on to apply the required energy to bring you all daily snark.

But I can give you pictures.

Blond Sonja has gone dark...only in her hair though as she has squeezed herself into white leggings.

I really wish I would have been bold enough to snap a full-frontal shot. I think that'll be my goal for next week. Why next week? Because I overheard her telling Juarez Teenager female about this super hot dress she got for her date next week. Oh, I forgot to mention, she is the side piece for a Muslim dude and they meet up on Thursday nights. He picked Thursdays because she already has a sitter to come to class. Odd though, I thought Muslim's couldn't have pork?